Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Eyedropper Envy

As some of you may know, I’m not the best cook.

(Audience: “Awwww! Nooooo!”)

Yes, it’s true. I’m more than mature enough to recognize my shortcomings:

1) I can’t cook.
2) I’m lousy at golf. (At least, according to Nintendo Wii…where I hold the record as being the only participant who was officially asked to stop playing by the game system. It literally refused to let me try again, I’d failed so miserably. We’re working it out in therapy.)

Otherwise, I’m pretty much perfect.

However, I still can’t cook. This is only a problem if you’re looking to do something as mundane as say….eat. Somehow, I have managed to keep da boys alive this long…no-one’s exactly sure how. I believe Yale University is planning a research study in the near future to hopefully uncover the mystery of their miraculous survival to date. I'll keep you posted.

The actual hazard of my inability to create a healthy meal became apparent this evening, when I made the boys my infamous mac and cheese with hot dogs and peas. (I can see JennyMac gagging somewhere down south as I type this….sorry, doll.) In an effort to save some green (and in my own warped way, to cook from “scratch” as only Kathryn can), I decided to buy the individual ingredients for this savory feast and make it the way I’m sure our forefather’s did: Using the microwave whenever possible.

I was psyched to discover that instead of buying Velveeta Mac & Cheese in the box:


…I can buy the Velveeta cheese separately...

…..(“melts better and a third less fat than cheddar cheese!” YEAH!) and macaroni shells and make it from scratch.

So to speak. (*cough!*)

The first thing that I noticed was that the BLOCK of Velveeta “prepared cheese product” is…how can I say this delicately?....of a thicker consistency than the packet of “cheese” that comes in the pre-packaged kit. (Authors note: I have to admit, I’d never noticed that there’s no mention of this being an actual cheese…much less even in the cheese family. I may therefore refrain from purchasing this product in the future. I’d appreciate it if no-one called Child Protective Services.) Thus, it requires more effort to convert it to the paste-like consistency required to mix thoroughly with the mac….a vital component in creating the infamous mac & cheese. This required many, many minutes in the microwave…with several, intermittent stops for some serious stirring. Connor had to apprentice for this complicated endeavor because…hey, I’m only one person and this is clearly a two-person operation.

Macaroni was cooked, “cheese product” was added, as was cut-up hot dogs and peas. It all gets mixed together into one chemically-induced shade of yellow-not-found-in-nature and is served in heaping globs to da boys, who absolutely devour it.

What?

It sounds gross,” you say??

I would not know…as I do not eat said meal. I couldn’t even if I wanted to…as it’s completely gone when I come back to clean up the kitchen.

This evening, I was late returning to clean up the mess. (I have “Noelle” to thank for this….hey, sweetie! It was all worth it!) Needless to say, the stuff was like cement on the sides and bottom of my biggest pot. As I tried to scrape the sides down of the yellow, congealed gunk (yeah, okay…so, I’m definitely not buying this again) a bit of gook projectiles off the spoon and hits me DIRECTLY IN MY EYE.

I yell, “I’VE BEEN HIT! OHMYGOD, WHO KNOWS WHAT THE HELL'S IN THIS STUFF! I’M GONNA BE BLIND! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! CALL POISON CONTROL! CHECK THE BOX! SEE WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT RECEIVING A DIRECT PROJECTILE-HIT IN THE EYE! HURRY!!”

Da boys came a-running and helped me (actually, Taylor felt compelled to carry me) to the bathroom, where we attempted to wash out my eye with warm water. However, it seems that upon coming in contact with the “warmness” of my eyeball, the “cheese product” seemed to have taken on a more “liquid” form once again and it had basically soldered my eye closed.

After a few frantic minutes, we realized we were getting more water on each other than anywhere near my cemented-eye, so da boys led me to the bed and we heatedly discussed our options. I wanted them to find me an eye-dropper with which we could douse my eye in warm water and then immediately wipe away the offending goo with a washcloth. Alas, there was no eye-dropper to be found, so we settled for Connor holding a Dixie cup of warm water over my eye and attempting to pour several drops in the general vicinity of my eye while Taylor stood at the ready with several washcloths, a flashlight and his cell. (I'm convinced he was texting during this entire debacle. I'm not sure, though...as I was BLIND.)

After an unspecified amount of time, I felt the stickiness subside and was finally able to begin rehabilitation of my injury with several deep eye-rinses.

In conclusion, if you see me winking at you…it may just be the residual trauma of a macaroni fly-by that went terribly, terribly wrong.

Mattenylou said...

That's funny, I hope you're seeing okay now. I think you should reinvest in that 5-pack, and let da boys make it themselves.

Sometimes it's best to just stay out of the kitchen...lol.

Lauren said...

Okay... umm... I'm not the greatest cook, but I feel the need (for the safety of all those involved) to beg you to seek assistance. Or at least ask that you wear protective gear. Goggles for your eyes because that's apparently necessary, helmet for your head, elbow and knee pads to avoid bumping into things, steel toe boots to protect you from falling items such as knives or just unexpected walls, and of course, oven mitts. Now that you have a safety checklist, I expect you to use it.

Gavin said...

Even I'm not that bad in the kitchen. Velveeta is almost better then glue sometimes I think. XD When I was little I would play with it like playdough. XD

carissajaded said...

Ahhh you make me feel so much beer about my cooking skills. Or lack there of. Although, I have to rub it into your face that I have been cooking macaroni with "real" velveeta cheese since I was in sixth grade. A girl has got to eat! And my mom would never buy the boxed macaroni! Next time you try it, you can just cook the noodles, drain the water, cut up the cheese into chunks and then stir it in... Or buy the 4 pack packages... that would probably be your best bet... But too funny!! I hope your eye is ok!!

Heather said...

I don't think anyone really knows what is in that stuff. But it sure does taste good, as you know, by nothaving any left.

That dish is common in my family, except for the Velvetta. Most of us just use the generic mac and cheese.

How sweet of the boys to help their mother in her time of need. I'm sure he was texting all of his friends. LOL!

Runnergirl said...

You had me sniggering at my desk again...

It's never too late to learn to cook you know. Apparently Jamie Oliver's Ministry of Food books are supposed to be good for that. As are the Delia books.

Moxie Girl aka Amber Lea said...

At least you provide entertainment with dinner. Sort of like a dinner theatre right in your own home! Gotta love that. As for the cooking skills, "from scratch" is always overrated, in my opinion.

Once again, I thank you for the laugh. I hope the eye is feeling better and not oozing "cheese product". :-(

hackaday said...

Hello it's my first time in your blog ever. It 's really cool. Keep up with the good work.
If you want check out my blog: http://cyglobe.blogspot.com. Greetings from Greece.

Bernadine said...

Hi

Ok. Let's try again....

I actually had a nice laugh at this post!! Not all of us are perfect cooks in the kitchen. At least your boys are still alive. That's a plus!! That actually mean that they do eat!!!

Btw I saw you've got one of THOSE comments again.

Enjoy your Wednesday!!! :)

Elfie said...

Hahaha,
You had better hope Jamie Oliver doesn't read this. It might make him cry.

Allegria said...

Ow. My eyes have sympathy ooze. Oh, but maybe that's just tears of laughter. Hope there are no latent side effects...

Gigi said...

It incidents like this that keep me out of the kitchen!!!

KT said...

Ok, first, I never knew there was any other type of mac&cheese expect the one that comes in the BLUE BOX! You learn something new everyday...anyways. poor eye, that must've sucked. But you're well, healthy, and now only half-blind

Kathryn said...

Mattenylou: I think you may be onto something. Some ppl are just better at non-food-related activities...don't you think??

Lauren: Yes, ma'am. I do believe that protective "cooking" gear may be in order. Or, maybe I should just have someone else clean up? Would that work? I LIKE that idea much better!

Gavin: That is an excellent use for Veleeta! Only you have to be willing to throw everything away when you're done with it, as it's nearly impossible to clean.

carissajaded: Well. First of all, I love your Freudian slip: You said "beer" instead of "better". We'll discuss that in detail another time. 2nd, I TRIED cutting it up and trying to mix it in! It had the consistency of RUBBER and it never melted enough with the noodles to resemble mac & cheese!

Tinkerschnitzel said...

Oh, Kathryn! I'm sitting at work trying not to give myself away. Just a few tips:

#1 buy the kraft mac and cheese and give up on the velveeta block. It's easier and it's the same stuff. I only use the blocks for stuff like queso.

#2 you are going ot have to soak your pan in soapy water over night. That's the only way it will come off.

No wonder you're always asking to come over for dinner! If I could make the food last long enough to make it from here to New York, i'd send you some meals. :D

B-ster said...

You made my day. I made velveeta mac & cheese the other day and couldn't get the stuff off the pan either! My husband just about lost it when I added hot dogs to it. I thought that was a normal staple with mac & cheese for mom's who don't cook! The kids loved it regardless.

Spot said...

Oh for the love of Bob! Kathryn stay out of the kitchen!! You may just be worse than Mo and that girl can burn soup! Hot dogs??! *shudders*

♥Spot

Kathryn said...

Heather: I just hope the episode doesn't somehow show up on YouTube! I suppose there's never a good time to get a "cheese product" in your eye, but that stuff BURNED! Not going there again! (Till the next time da boys beg me for it!)

Runnergirl: Uh-huh. I know, I know....I'd probably be more interested if FOOD were more interesting to me. I'd just rather eat, stop the tummy grumbling and move on. It's just not my thing, I think...

MoxieGirl aka Amber Lea: HA! Love the "dinner theatre" reference! The eye seems to be okay...no oozing orange...so, that's good!

Kathryn said...

hackaday: Welcome, Greece! Hope you'll visit again!

Bernadine: Yes, the boys have somehow survived....so, it can't be all bad! Actually, I don't think the comment is "one of those"....(I thought so, too...but sometimes, it's just someone who's new to blogging and is also not familiar with the English language. It was actually a legit and very nice blog!)

ValleyWriter said...

Oh man! I agree with a previous poster - goggles are in order! (You know, they make some that are supposed to help with cutting onions. They're "stylish" even.)

Seriously though, practice makes perfect! (Or at least edible.)

Kathryn said...

Elfie: HA! I know...I'm sure I'd make a lot of people gag/cringe/cry from my attempts at cuisine. Some are better than others...this was one of the worst, though....

Allegria: Nah...just a little red (or is that orange?) left today. I do believe I'll lay off the "cheese" for a while to come!

Gigi: I hear that. I spend an awful lot of time in the kitchen for someone who doesn't know what they're doing. I guess that's 'cause I don't know what I'm doing.

KT: HA! Yeah....so what if my depth perception is way off? What's the worst that could happen? Stick w/the blue box....it's probably safer!

Kathryn said...

Tinkerschnitzel: HA! I'd LOVE for you to send me some meals! Yeah, I figure anything you have to soak overnight to remove from a pan probably should not be consumed. Da boys are gonna have to find another favorite that's less....toxic.

B-ster: HA! See?? I've been making it for the boys that way since...forever! They've always loved it! I'll bet if I made it with a decent quality cheese, they wouldn't like it as much, knowing my luck!

Spot: YES....hot dogs! That way, you got your meat, your carbs and your veggies (the peas...did I mention the peas?). Totally healthy fare!

Kathryn said...

ValleyWriter: Seriously? Goggles for cutting onions? I thought you were supposed to bite down on a pencil! Was someone messing with me for that one, 'cause I look really stupid doing it and it doesn't seem to help!

TC said...

For some reason this reminded me of when my 2 yr old painted my 1 yr olds eye shut with fingernail polish while in the care of my FIRST husband, their father. There used to be liquid eyeshadow and the oldest one is still enamored of makeup.
Milk in with the cheese, a bit of butter. You can do the same thing with tuna, mush soup, and peas, I think it's better.
There you have two gourmet meals!!

Alicia said...

You know...Julia Child started learning to cook in her late 40s I believe, so there is still hope for you.

I've always wanted to try that brick of velveeta like they show in the commercials where you melt it with a jar of Pace Picante Sauce, (not the kind made in NEW YORK CITY!!!) and it's all melty and spicy and ooey gooey good.

Can you try that Kathryn and let me know how it comes out? But do use the checklist that Lauren suggested :-)

Kathryn said...

TC: Aha! I THOUGHT I saw something on the package about adding milk, but Connor didn't want me to. (Why am I taking directions from a 13-yo, I'll never know) I'll bet they'd like the tuna casserole thing...I'll definitely try that. Thanks!!

Kathryn said...

Alicia: Hmmmm. So, you're giving me permission to prepare something that I've never, ever made before? And you'll call 9-1-1 if I sustain any serious burns on any part of my body? (I don't think Lauren's protective gear said anything about burns) Just checking....

Tia said...

Holy crap! I nearly wet myself reading this one! Goggles & a lab coat may be a worthwhile investment. A fire-proof lab coat.

Kathryn said...

Tia: HA! I must say...it IS becoming a somewhat dangerous endeavor! I'm all for giving it another go, but at what point is it considered dangerous to my health??

Oddyoddyo13 said...

I knew I never liked that dang Velveeta cheese! Note to self: ask Mom never to buy it again at fear for her sight.

Thanks for the tips Kathryn! I usually run to you instead of the TV to find out which products work. You describe the situations much better than any infomercial can, that's for certain!

Jerry said...

Hey now. The Velveeta Mac and Cheese is the box is pretty darn good stuff. Do you know that you can mix canned chili with it and WALLA! You have...er Chili Mac and Cheese. I've been known to take Mac and Cheese and throw in some cooked ham or cooked sausage to have WALLA! Mac and Cheese and Ham...or Sausage -- all in one plate!

Don't denigrate my Mac & Cheese. It is one of our four (or is it five) food groups!

My first thought about your cheesy eye was to run and get a hair dryer. [Visions of yellowy goop drooling down your cheek]

Cheesy Eye. Kind of an interesting moniker. Perhaps you could rename your blog: The Cheesy Eye. Okay -- The Sensuous Cheesy Eye. (I'm working on it. I'll get back to you.)

Carol said...

I have one teenage girl, we buy easy mac, usually the kind that's already in it's own bowl. Oh and ravioli. Sometimes I make her eat peas or a piece of fruit just in case my grandmother was right and you will get scabies if you don't eat enough fruits and vegetables.
Glad to know I am not the only challenged cook who had managed to at least get her children to puberty.

JennyMac said...

OMG..your poor eye. And

my infamous mac and cheese with hot dogs and peas I am NOT gagging. LOL. I like peas.

saku chan said...

umm may i remind you said your self you cant cook i would let the boys do it haha just joking but seriouslly you should think about what i said just now what if you burn the whole place down *O.O* no more computer ahhhhh!

Kathryn said...

Offyoddyo13: Well, just think of me as candid Kathryn....I'll always shoot straight with you, sweetie! Tell Mom to wear protective eye gear!

Jerry: Huh. Waaaait a minute. Isn't your "Walla! Mac and Cheese and Ham...or Sausage" virtually the same thing as my Mac & Cheese with HOTDOGS? Hey, I'm not denigrating it...but I'm not 100% sure it IS A FOOD...much less part of a group! I'll leave you to your moniker-creating....good luck w/that!!

Carol: There you go. I do believe there is a special department in Heaven for guardian angels to spy on the likes of us cuisine-challenged souls. I still maintain that we can't be good at everything! LOVE your blog, BTW- wonderful posts!

JennyMac: Oh, yes you are! (Gagging) You're just too much of a lady to say it. It was nice of you to compliment the peas, though...!

saku chan: You're right, of course! I must think of the big picture! But what if there's a HOT fireman coming to the scene? NO! Must. Save. Stuff!!

saku chan said...

oh and ive got another video over at place comecheck it out this is the video week basically is what i call it when i have an urge to share it with the blog team haha and no the hotdog and mac n cheese is a food i tottally disagree with that AH! i used to eat it when i little with my little bro and we would watch lunny tunes matter of fact we havent done that in quit a while i shall make do a sister brother night mwhahaha in the laugh youll find something senistor and it is haha im trumtizing my bro isnt it funny XD

Ron said...

My dearest Kathryn....

When the time comes for the two of us to actually meet in person one day, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE remind me that we must eat dinner out.

I'm reading this thinking, "OMG...she sounds just like me, so I could never have her over for dinner."

You and I would be like Lucy and Ethel when they both got jobs at Kramers Candy Kitchen and couldn't even box chocolates!

HAHAHAAHAHHAHA!

That would be a riot, wouldn't it?

And listen, I'm not surprised to hear about the Velvetta cheese. I always thought that stuff was made of GLUE!

GREAT post, Lucy!

Love,
Ethel
xoxoxo

Kathryn said...

RON! HA! Can't you just PICTURE it??! The two of us....trying to read the instructions on how to make the rice...and neither one of us can read it 'cause we can't see the small print...and we're yelling at each other with mouths that would make a sailor blush. There'd be smoke EVERYWHERE (I usually bring my own whenever I visit), which will set off your alarm (which we'll have forgotten to disable) and the end result is that we'll have to go out to eat anyway, and your apartment will smell like a combination of Bengay, Tropicana orange juice and Penzoil for a month. (The fire dept will never understand why, but we'll know!) HA! xoxo

Lily Johnson said...

Okay, your sons are well enough to actually help you through this so your cooking cant be that bad. Anyway, ditch the product dear. I hate washing pots and pots with glue-like food is just pure hell.
Hope you are okay now.
Take care

Bernadine said...

Hi Kathryn

After reading your reply on my comment I felt a bit bad. I actually had no right being so rude to that person actually. I guess I'm just apologizing!! Sorry... I truly feel bad cause of what I said...

Pratik Gupta said...

Oh sorry, now i got it ( refer the comment on the post "' I cant stop this feeling'...i am so sorry for the eye...but please dont mind...i just imagined this in my mind and ROFLMAO

*Looks at ass rolling on the floor and lols at it

Amazing ones.
seriously, its soo...soo..entertaining! :)

Kathryn said...

Lily Johnson: Thank you sweetie. Yes, I shall ditch the glue-like food. It can't possibly be good for you...or for my eyesight, for that matter!

Bernadine: Oh, honey! Do NOT give it a second thought! Here, I'd JUST FINISHED saying how many spammers I get w/these blanket/universal comments...I thought the same thing that you did, believe me! But, I always check just to be sure. This is the 1% of the time it WASN'T a spammer.
Please don't dwell on it...everyone else thought the same as you and I did!

pratik Gupta: Thank you! Yeah, well...obviously, I also think it's entertaining, or I wouldn't tell you ALL ABOUT IT! HA!

Jenny said...

Okay. Hyperventilating. Laughing...can't...breathe...HAHAHAHAHAHA! Omg. That is so flipping hilarious. I'm glad you're ok, but seriously, macaroni fly-by is by far the meaning of life.

And the Wii golf. I am fairly certain I will laugh for days at this. I'm just picturing this poor gaming system is all aaaaaand you're done. haha. LOVE it chicken!

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