Monday, June 23, 2008

Swish

Most of today was spent preparing for tomorrow.

“What’s tomorrow?” asks Clinton Kelly, co-host of TLC’s What Not To Wear, and Macy’s spokesperson, but more importantly my IV…(you should know what this is by now…don't make me have to tell you again.)

K: "Why, it’s Connor’s graduation day!"

C: “Oh! He’s graduating from high school already?? I could swear he was just in 5th grade!”

K: "Oh, no. This is Elementary School Graduation. He starts middle school in the fall."

C: “And….?”

K: "No 'and'. That’s it." (Shrugs)

C: “And….you spent today preparing….how?” (Rolls eyes in mock-frustration)

K: "Oh. That. Well, he can’t very well graduate and say good-bye without gifts. You know…it’s the 'BBGs'."

C: “The BBGs? I’m not following...is this some special mom-code for something?”

K: "Nope....it's actually Margarete-code, if I'm going to give her credit...but she's not here, so.....nope. It’s Buh-Bye Gifts."

C: (Chuckles) “Buh-Bye?”

K: "Uh huh. As in 'Buh-bye' now. Thanks for the nurturing for 6 years. I’m heading off to that big ole’ impersonal middle school where they’ll boss me around, forget my name and make me study five times harder than I ever have in my whole entire life."

C: “So….I take it you’re not overjoyed by this event.” (Looks at her through squinty-Clinton baby blues)

K: "Nothing gets by you, Sherlock Kelly. Hand me a tissue, please.The BBGs are just the beginning….of the end." (Said with a hint of a Southern drawl, pausing to rest back of hand dramatically on forehead…looking just as stunning as Scarlett O’Hara…at least, in her imagination…)

C: (Chuckles again) “What, exactly did you buy for the BBGs? If you can find the inner strength to continue this dialogue…”

K: "Are you mocking? You’d better not be mocking."

C: (Smiles broadly) “I wouldn't think of it. I’m dying to know.”

K: "Oh, the usual. Picture frames, bath gift sets, calendars, coaster sets, notes, kitchen-in-a-bag—"

C: “Wait. What? Kitchen-in-a-bag? Did you say that?”

K: "Were you listening to me? Yep, it’s a wine tote bag filled with placemats, napkins, an oven mitt, a pot holder and a kitchen towel and they all match. Cool…right? "

C: “And you’re giving these to….who? Let me guess: the people you didn’t really care for?”

K: "Nooooo. Well, yeah. Maybe…. NO! They just get a verbal 'buh-bye'. Hey, I went through a LOT to buy these gifts, letmetellyou! It was POURING out…trees were being washed away and cars were being dented by the baseball-sized hail!":



C: “I see the SUN...and your steering wheel in this photo.”

K: "Oh.….sorry. That’s from the day I tried to get a shot of that unmarked police car sitting on the side of the road with the 'For Sale' sign in it’s window….it’s not easy to do without…ya know….the cop seeing you do it…. "

C: “Um-hmm…..”

K: "Here. See?":



K: "Wait. You’re not getting the full effect of the destructive force of the ravaging winds, driving rain and deadly soccer-ball-sized hail. Try this one":



K: "See the brake lights? That’s ‘cause we’re all stopping because of the….ya know…ravaging winds and other deadly stuff."

C: “And yet, there you were…fiddling with your camera phone, which we all know you can’t use without quite a bit of fidgeting…”

K: "Yeah, well….the moment…ya know….it needed to be captured. I owe it to my vast readership. 'Inquiring readers wanna know', ya know."

C: (Starts to roll his baby-blues, then squints at Kathryn in concentration) “What’s wrong with your earring? Is there something on it?”

K: "What? Oh, it’s probably toothpaste. Anyway, the rain was---"

C: “Excuse me….did you say ‘toothpaste’? Do I even want to know how….?”

K: "You’re excused. It’s no big deal…these earrings are long, I’m brushing my teeth…I spit and...swish...and rinse…and…ya know, sometimes it just happens. So the rain---"

C: “Wait. I’m not following….how does the toothpaste get from your mouth onto the end of the earring? What am I missing here?”

K: "Well, they DANGLE. (Said in a loud voice, for emphasis.) I gently, in a very ladylike manner, sip from the running faucet and since my head’s turned to the side, sometimes the earring just…gets in the way……………. WHAT?"

C: “So, you’re drinking directly out of the TAP, is what you’re saying! No glass around? Gross.”

K: "Are you kidding me? Glasses are a germophobe’s worst nightmare. Everybody knows that. I’ll take the tap any day. I don’t have to be a lady every minute of the day, ya know. "

C: “I’d settle for 50-50.”

K: "What? Did you say something??"

C: “Nope. Not a word. But, you’ve got some toothpaste on your neck………”



K: (Grins) "It’s MINTY. Ya want a taste??"

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