Saturday, December 20, 2008

He's So High

The other day, I came across a talk show that I’d recorded on my gotta-love-it-DV-R. It was a gal and a guy that I did not know and as I’m fast forwarding through it, I’m looking for a clue as to why I’d taped it in the first place.

Clinton Kelly (personal I.V. and knower of great things): “It was me.”

Kathryn: “Wait…. What?”

C: “Remember? You saw Guest Appearances by Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy…and then me.”

K: (Chuckles) “Well, I wasn’t going to mention THAT part…but, yeah. It was you...promoting your new book. I guess it’s a crap shoot when it comes to who your fellow guest stars will be, eh? That announcement order hurts, too…ouch.”

C: “You can’t choose your family, your neighbors or your co-stars. That’s the rule, kiddo. So, why would you be bringing up this tidbit of information?”

K: “I’m glad you asked, sweetie. I was watching the segment with the mom who didn’t know how to cook. You gave her very basic instructions on how to cook a chicken. It’s like you were talking to ME.”

C: “You made that jump, huh? Yes…I remember. Pat chicken dry, rub with butter, stuff some herbs in the cavity, then a lemon…tie the legs and bake. It doesn’t get much easier…I figured even you couldn’t screw it up.”

K: (Gives evil eye) “Well. Nevertheless. I patted and I rubbed. For the record, I think raw whole chicken is gross. Picking up the wings to rub butter underneath…(shivers) It’s a little too up-close-and-personal for me.”

C: (Chuckles) “Duly noted. Are we to believe that you actually had some fresh herbs lying around?”

K: (Sniffs indignantly) “YES….yes, I did. Every time Jack or Tonia cooks something, they leave me with some unidentified bouquet of herbs in my fridge. Since you’d clearly stated that it did not matter what herbs they were, I took you at your word.” (Looks cautiously left, then right to make sure no-one is listening) “Don’t tell anyone…but it’s the first time I’ve ever used the herbs they leave behind. Usually they wind up getting trashed a week later.”

C: (Deadpan) “This does not surprise me. Proceed.”

K: “Well. I particularly loved the part about cutting holes into the lemon.” (Mimics the Psycho sound whilst shoving a knife several times into the unsuspecting lemon.) “That’s how I knew I had to at least try.”

C: “So had I cut it an ordinary way, you would’ve bagged it. Interesting…”

K: “Well…yeah. You made it fun. I ran into a problem with the string, though. See, I didn’t exactly have any. I considered using a navy blue shoelace I'd found in a drawer, but I was afraid the dye might leak into the bird and poison everyone.”

C: (Confused) “Ew. You didn’t use it…did you?”

K: “Nah. I went looking in the garage. I found something. No-one’s died…now have they?”

C: “What the…..? Is that the net to a basketball hoop?!”

K: (Smugly) “Why yes….yes, it is. Pretty smart, huh?”

C: “You couldn't find something that would have required a little less cutting? Where’s the hoop that came with it?”

K: “I’ve no idea. And no…this was the best I could do. It was this…or the shoelace.”

C: “That bird looks mortified. I think it’s preparing for takeoff.”

K: “Very funny. I also made garlic mashed potatoes, homemade gravy and fresh broccoli. Here’s the after-bird”:

C: “It looks great! How was it? Bated breath, kiddo.”

K: "Well, I left quite a mess in the sink...'cause I was working so very hard...for so very long..."

K: “The potatoes and broccoli were okay. The gravy was too thick…it had the consistency of jello and I just don’t think that’s right. The chicken, though…was delicious. I loved it!”

C: “Fantastic! So…what’s up with the title of this post? Does this have anything to do with me?”

K: “Well. Aren’t WE narcissistic? But yes…it IS about you. I think if a show develops from your book, this would make the perfect theme song. It encompasses both the hierarchy of the classes and also works because you’re…you know, so tall. Change a few words and it would be perfect! I’m sure Tal Bachman won’t mind.”

C: “I’ll take it under advisement. Just don’t sing the high notes…it hurts my ears.”

Anonymous said...

That is hysterical...using a basketball net to tie the chicken! I never would have thought of that.

Anonymous said...

Kathryn cooked a chicken!!! I can't believe it! It looked beautiful. I'm more impressed overall than I am slightly abhorrent of your use of the b-ball net. Eww, but like you said better that than the shoe laces, which I have no doubt you considered-if only for a second. Well doll, what else is there to do when it's snowing non-stop on a weekend. Excellent use of time, I only wish I was there.

kathryn said...

You guys just LOVE it when I cook...don't ya? Only for you, bay-bee!

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