Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I Can't Stop This Feeling

I don’t like to judge. I try really, really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt in every way possible. I do my very best to not go into anything with a pre-conceived notion of how someone’s gonna act, react, respond or retort.

You believe me…right?

Take, for example…the search for a physician under our medical insurance plan.

Clinton Kelly (My ever-attentive IV): “Who’s sick? Where’s the Purell? I did not see this memo. Did you ‘CC’ me?”

Kathryn: “No-one’s sick. It’s just a routine screening for Malaria, Leishmaniasis and Dengue Fever. No biggie.”

CK: (Eyes wide with alarm) “Dengue Fever? What the hell is that?”

K: “Oh, it’s transmitted through the bite of an infected mosquito. There’s evidently about 50 million cases worldwide a year. Small potatoes…just a precaution.”

CK: “What are the symptoms?”

K: “An infected person may experience a mild to high fever, severe headache, pain behind the eyes, muscle and joint pain and a wicked rash.”

CK: “I do feel a bit warm…and remember the other night when I said your rendition of “Hooked on a Feeling” was giving me a monster of a headache?”

K: “The ‘B.J. Thomas’ version or the ‘Hit Crew’ version?”

CK: (Sighs) “I don’t remember. It was loud and extremely annoying.”

K: “Well, did it start with ‘OOGA-CHUKA, OOGA-OOGA, OOGA-CHUCKA, OOGA-OOGA, OOGA-CHUKA’…”

CK: “Ow. Yes, that would be the one. And you’ve got that unexplained rash above your eye which looks to be extremely suspect.”

K: “That would be from my unfortunate macaroni fly-by of yesterday. It’s not a rash…it’s an injury. Geesh.”

CK: (Wary) “I’m not so convinced. What’s the treatment for this...disease?”

K: “Oh, there is no treatment. They tell you to drink water, take aspirin and wait to die.”

CK: (Becomes noticeably paler…sits down in chair)

K: “Oh, relax…I’m just messing with you. I needed a neurologist to give Kevin an EEG. You know…brain waves…” (Makes spooky, curly, dramatic arm gestures up and around her head)

CK: “Bite me.”

K: “Well…that’s not very neighborly. ANYWAY. My point is that I do not believe I can seriously trust a physician whose first name is ‘Heaven’. I mean, c'mon.”

CK: “What was her last name?”

K: “It doesn’t matter. She’s out. Then, I rule out all the ‘Irvings’, ‘Nathanials’, and ‘Agnes’…’cause you just know they’ve been practicing since the beginning of time and they’re not gonna be cutting edge....razor-sharp....in the know...”

CK: “So, to clarify: You rule out anyone you perceive to be too young and anyone whom you perceive to be too old, by your definition...and based solely on their first names and your assumption that by virtue of what could very well be a family name, passed on from generation to generation, they must be too out-of-touch with modern medicine to meet your stringent criteria.”

K: “That would be correct, your honor.”

CK: “Huh. Anything else?”

K: “YES. I pass over any name that I can’t readily pronounce. I mean, how am I supposed to have a dialogue with someone named Dr. Anath Vadavatamytha? I mean, no offense…but I’m going to come across sounding like a complete idiot.”

CK: (Chuckles) “Maybe he goes by ‘Dr. V’ for short.”

K: “Doubt it. Oh, and I prefer that he’s graduated from a medical school I’ve heard of, like Columbia, or Harvard or something…and I’d like to see a minimum of 5 diplomas on the wall of his office. A few plaques for voluntary work is always a nice touch, too. Maybe he could sponsor an orphan, or read to the blind? That would be nice....”

CK: “So, how many doctors are listed under the insurance for an EEG?”

K: “Oh, about 23…give or take…in this general vicinity.”

CK: “And how many of those loosely fit your criteria?”

K: “Uh. Seven….”

CK: (Eyebrows raised) “Really?”

K: “Well, three…”

CK: (Surprised) “That man-…”

K: “Okay, NONE. But, I just have to widen my search criteria. I know he’s out there.”

CK: “How much further do you need to look?”

K: (Squints at computer screen) “Depends….how far is it from here to….Littleton, Colorado?”


Lauren said...

I'm with Clinton on calling him Dr.V. And who says seeing the doctor has to be a bad thing. Make it a vacation! Do... whatever people do in Colorado... I want to say skying? I'm from northern Canada alright, it's been snowing two days straight. Back to my point though. Nothing says vaca like intrusive proceedures performed by complete strangers! Amazing how bad that sounds isn't it?

BlackLOG said...

Not sure what is going on but I'm finding it hard to get onto the Inside out, both my PCs keep freezing. It's taken 20 mins to write this.......Aaaaarrrrggghhhhhh

Runnergirl said...

Don't be misled by the names - at one of my old jobs, before I joined I was put in touch with a lady called Mary to talk about things. I assumed she was in her 50's... she was actually younger than me, and is now a very good friend. Plus, old fashioned names are having a revival. Although that would make a this generation "Enid" still less than 10 and therefore probably not qualified. Wait a few years...

Elfie said...

Bahaha,
It's probably best to at least see what the person looks like before deciding they aren't for you.
I mean, it's really the parents that you can judge from someone's name moreso than the person themself.
Just saying...

Pratik Gupta said...

"That would be from my unfortunate macaroni fly-by of yesterday. It’s not a rash…it’s an injury. Geesh."...GEE really!! how did you manage this one :)
hoping you are ok.

Tina said...

Kathryn, you do whatever feels right (no point in telling her anything else, folks, she'll just do her own thing anyway...quite right too!) and we're all behind you. Me and Stacey and you are going out if I ever get to America..

Heather said...

My computer is having issues with your page. I think it might be the snow.

I also (shamefully) judge a doctor solely by name. If I can't say it, then how am I to have a important conversation with them.

Spot said...

My daughters hematologist has one of those long names. And a heavy accent but he's amazing and treats her like she's his own daughter.

You have more criteria than I do. I look up their pictures online and go by who has a face I can trust? Lol.

♥Spot

PS- As for what BlackLog said...I think it's the snow stuff on your layout. It takes me forever to comment too.

KT said...

hmmm...i think i understand your criteria. you's looking for someone who is just the right age, with a name you can pronounce, preferably a male, i;m assuming...and handsome. That's your criteria isn't? jajaja, i'm just playing with you. I had to find a ob-gyn when i was pregnant and I had medicaid. They gave me a list and I just started dialing. No one answered me until the 5th name, which is the doctor I have now and LOVe him. Maybe you should do the same?

saku chan said...

hmm.... i dont understand this O.O are you trying to confuse me ?! gahh i cant understand why you want to put that nasty bug on your blog eeeewwwww bleh *puts hand on the computer * i hate any insect sorry about that but seriouslly why would you oh wait now i know (makes a guns with both hands) your so random hahahahaha

jmberrygirl said...

My last visit to a neurologist ended with her conclusion that I didn't sleep enough. No tumor, no disease, just plain old insomnia. No coping mechanisms or drugs were offered, either. Really shakes your faith in their ability to provide care...

Ron said...

Good Morning Kathryn!

To bad there isn't some way we can interview or AUDITION a doctor before we decide on choosing them.

Like, having them sing 16 bars of "I'm just a girl who can't say no" from Oklahoma!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh god, I wish I could help you with this one, but I haven't been to a doctor in like 20 years!!!

I just take an aspirin for everything!

HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA!

Hope you're having a great day, my crazy NY friend!

Doctor V.
xoxoxo

Reaper said...

i might be more confused now then before i read this.... *laughs*


*winks*

Paul Wynn said...

"Bite me" and scroll to see that massive mosquito.. ugh .. those things would always get my eyelids and I wake up with a fat bump on my eyes not only that my parents would make me go to school while kids would look at me like I'm some freak show.

Alicia said...

I hate picking doctors! Good luck with that.

Kathryn said...

Lauren: HA! Well, if we're going to vaca whilst being neurologically poked and prodded, then my criteria just narrowed dramatically...'cause I'll need someone with all the above qualifications who now practices in the Bahamas. Shouldn't be too hard...

BlackLOG: Why? Why is this happening? I don't get it...I know Jerry had a teeny prob 1 time where it would not let him depart...but trouble getting in?? You should always be able to arrive...it's the leaving-part that should be hard to do! IDK.

Kathryn said...

Runnergirl: HA! You've made a valid point! But, I try to use other criteria besides just the name. I don't blame you, though...I'd no idea names like "Mary" were coming back! I'll bet she surprises a lot of people.

Elfie: Okay! So, I should add "looks" to my list....(scribbling that down)...that shouldn't be too hard. Wouldn't it be nice if they had photos and a little blurb about how much they love their patients for us to read? That would be so helpful!

Patrik Gupta: Yes, I'm fine...thanks for asking. I was cleaning up some cement-like Mac & Cheese and a piece projectiled into my eye. I'll survive!

Gavin said...

Hmm.....I noticed some people had trouble viewing your page....but I don't just so you know. XD

Anyways....I hate doctors. Though I've had the same one for a long time, but the older he gets the worse he is when I have to go see him. XD The other day I told him that I hope I didn't end up like him as I got older. All in joking, of course, but he just gave me this weird look. XD

Kathryn said...

Tina: YAY! So, in one comment, I've learned that I can do what I want and you guys'll come and participate in a week-long, blow-out, blogbud reunion party if you ever visit the US? (I did process that correctly, right?) EXCELLENT!!

Heather: But, you normally don't have trouble w/my page...do you? I haven't touched a thing...honest! And I know what you mean...It's frustrating when I can't pronounce someone's name.

Spot: Oh! The snow stuff?? It's outta here! When Heather mentioned the snow,I thought she meant the snow OUTSIDE! (DUH)

TC said...

Based on those criteria I should be Italian and about 90?

Lily Johnson said...

Errm, i dont remember the last time i went to see a doctor. Good luck Kat with the doctor thing and i wish you and your family good health.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Whew. Um....glad I'm not going into medical school because I'm not entirely sure how much you'd trust me......

Good that you're picky about those things though. They're important enough for you to, you know, have some reasons to be hesitant. The name though, I'm not entirely sure about.

Carol said...

You kill me! My company changes insurance company's every year, it drives me nuts. I'm always glad when Mo's pediatrician is on the list, she hates change, but seriously, they must have a name I can pronounce, be older than the cheese in my fridge oh, and I'd appreciate if you know who I am and why I had tests when I call for the results!

Kathryn said...

KT: What do you mean "no one answered you"? You mean they didn't pick up the phone at all? Getting to speak to a live person these days seems to be getting rarer and rarer. I'm starting to avoid the larger practices because of it.

saku chan: I know....ugly, ugly bug. That's probably the one good thing I can say about winter....no bugs!

jmberrygirl: Uh-huh. And had you seen an endocrinologist, it would have been a thyroid issue. Good thing you didn't see a psychiatrist...they'd find a way to say you're looney. Actually, it was better that the neuro lady didn't try to make something UP...

Kathryn said...

RON! HA! Or, maybe we could have them sing "If I were a rich man" from Fiddler on the Roof...then they could do the dancing too! It's important to have a medical professional who's light on his feet, right??

I like the way you think!
xoxo

Chrissy said...

When I need a new physician, I just pick the Indian woman. I didn't realize I did that until a friend pointed it out. They never let me down. Try 'em, you'll like 'em.

Kathryn said...

Reaper: HA! That is actually a pretty typical response, I believe. Hmmm. I don't know if that's a good thing.....

Paul Wynn: You would get bites on your eyelids?? Seriously?? OUCH! And pretty damn hard to scratch, too! I would've put "Off" on my eyelids every night...(probably not the best plan, either...)

Alicia: Eh...I'm used to it by now. THAT'S why I have a system!

saku chan said...

yeah but in winter there are rats eeeek eew oh speaking of mice i have a funny little guy named jerry you should come watch over at my place

Kathryn said...

Gavin: Thanks for the update. I've removed the "snow" from this page in case that was the culprit. I'm going out on a ledge and say that your doctor probably doesn't "get" you...or anyone else under the age of maybe 40??

Kathryn said...

TC: HA! Is that right? Well, that's why we need that little musical number to weed out the REALLY old ones who (honestly) shouldn't be prescribing anymore anyway.

Lily Johnson: Thank you, sweetie! All is fine...this is just routine stuff when you have a child w/autism.

Oddyoddyo13: Well, I don't let the name TOTALLY rule someone out...besides your name is BEAUTIFUL!

Carol: Oh, you've totally nailed it! The other one I love is: "If you don't hear from us, it means everything is okay." UH-HUH...on what planet is this EVER TRUE??

Kathryn said...

Chrissy: Hey, girlie! Yeah...that's 'cause they're so damn smart. But, how do you handle not being able to properly pronounce their name??

saku chan: I hope you mean the mouse on TV and not a REAL mouse!

Jerry said...

I got it. Go to a Faith Healer. I think they are cheaper anyway. As far as the EEG, drag Kevin to the local airport and stick his head in one of those full body scanners.

Sorry, I'm out of it a little. Just a touch of Leishmaniasis.

Warmest regards,

Jerry

Kathryn said...

Jerry: I'd give a faith healer a try...as long as he doesn't try any of that levitation crap...
As for the airport scanners....um....I don't think those go quite deep enough, if you get my drift....
I think he'd feel more violated than anything else!

Dreamfarm Girl said...

It's so ridiculous to try to choose a doctor among those on the insurance list, right? I mean, really, how's a person supposed to choose the surgeon who's going to CUT THEIR THROAT just by looking at names (I had my thyroid out this spring and choosing the surgeon was completely traumatic). Good luck to you!!

Tia said...

Ok. Littleton is about 30 minutes from my place so...(doing some quick math here)...it would be about a 3 1/2 hour plane ride & 30 minute drive from yours. :)

Probably not worth it.

Ampil said...

its been a while since the last time i read your blog..so nice to come back..

http://ampil070485.blogspot.com/

Pratik Gupta said...

Ampil has did it again - Pls refer " http://www.theinternalmakeover.com/2010/01/random-ill-show-you-random.html"
:D

KT said...

I love how you avoided the first part of my comment. lol...yeah, either no one answered the phone or they receptionist said the dr was super full, or that he/she wasn't in.

Kathryn said...

Dreamfarm Girl: Oh, honey! So, you're on synthroid? I know what you're saying about choosing someone...how are you supposed to put your life in the hands of someone based on a list? And if you have to set up meet & greets first...well, who has the time for that??

tia: Eh...maybe not...but seeing you definitely would make it a lot more tempting to try!

Ampil: Welcome back! I'm glad you've come to visit! Hope you'll stop by more often! **Sweetie: Your blog won't let anyone comment! The word verification is cut off and it won't let the comments publish!**

Kathryn said...

Pratik Gupta: No worries! It's possible some ppl don't realize that their blog is linked to their screen name and that I ALWAYS stop over to say hello. If someone can take the time to comment here, I can return the favor. Unfortunately not all do this, and in Ampil's case, there's something wrong with her commenting box and NO-ONE can leave a comment! She's probably wondering where everyone is!

KT: HA! Not intentionally, though...honestly! Sometimes I'm too focused on the last thing you say! And hey...I never said "handsome"...that would be a true BONUS! As far as no-one talking to you, that's where I move on as well. If they're that full, they shouldn't be taking on new patients.

Wendy Blum said...

I'm a bit behind as usual. Good luck finding a doctor. It's a pain, but I have no doubt you'll get through it with flying colors =) And I love the song Hooked On A Feeling. Both versions!

Kathryn said...

Wendy Blum: No worries, sweetie! I'll find the right doctor....it's just gonna take some serious weeding!

Jenny said...

Dude. All I'm saying is YES! I do the same thing! And I need pictures. I cannot be surprised when they walk in the first time. And thanks to Google and my mad stalking skills...bam, picture usually can be found.

A friend of mine recently recommended a new gyno...named Sunshine. Truth. I'm not sure how to proceed with this. I'm torn between knowing my PRUDE bff is comfortable with her upping her good doc rep, and Sunshine. Sun.Shine. I am conflicted.

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