Thursday, January 28, 2010

Restrictions Apply

I’m one of the only people I know that still listens to “regular” radio in the car. And yes, the barrage of commercials suck…and my timing sucks….as I tune in, I inevitably hear, “and that ends our 40 minute non-stop music mix with no commercial interruption!”….and then I’m in for a full ten minutes of commercials.

I’ve decided that I’d like to have the job of the guy that gets to talk really, really fast at the end of the commercial. You know the guy I’m talking about? He’s the one who has to get in about 50 disclaimers after the stated “almost too good to be true” deal is announced. I’m imagining there must be some special training involved to allow one to gain the verbal expertise needed to speak at a rate that comes close to breaking the sound barrier.

Let’s take a look inside one of these classes…shall we?

Instructor Johnny Rapidtalk: “TODAY WE WILL DISCUSS HOW TO STRING MANY WORDS TOGETHER AT A SPEED ALMOST INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO THE HUMAN EAR AND STILL ENUNCIATE CLEARLY,THEREBY AVOIDING ANY LEGAL RAMIFICATIONS WHATSOEVER FOR OUR CLIENTS.”

First–year student Damon Finkelburst: “Dude. Are we…like, supposed to be taking notes? I mean, is this…like, gonna be on the final? ‘Cause I’m gonna need my dictionary if you want me to write words like ‘enunciate’.”

Sawah Wosenpimple: “Weawy, Mista Wapidtawk. My mom says she paid top dowwah on dis cwass and she says tawking isn’t wocket science, so I’d betta wearn soon!”

Kathryn (Student Prodigy): “Excuse me? Could you please dial it back a bit? Is this the course where you learn how to earn millions in the comfort of your own home by crocheting beer cozies out of lanyard for seeing-impaired Amish alcoholics so they can be weaned onto Miller light and eventually onto that crappy non-alcoholic beer, with nary a clue of the deception…for beginners...with no prior experience necessary?”

Instructor Rapidtalk: “NO! THIS IS THE RAPID TALKING LEARNING CLASS.THAT CLASS WAS CANCELLED DUE TO ONLY ONE PERSON SIGNING UP.”


Sawah Wosenpimple: “Aw. Sowwy. Stay wiff us. Dis cwass is gweat!”

Kathryn: (Looks at Sawah cautiously…sighs) “Fine. Whatever.”

Damon Finkelburst: “Su-weet!”

Instructor Rapidtalk: “THE TRICK IS TO SPEAK SO QUICKLY THAT THE LISTENER HAS ONLY A VAGUE CLUE WHAT YOU’VE JUST SAID, BUT YOU’VE LEGALLY INFORMED THEM THAT EVERYTHING THEY’VE JUST HEARD IN THE AD IS ALL BULLSHIT! READY TO TRY? KATHRYN? WHY DON’T YOU GO FIRST.”

Kathryn: “Oh…gee. I don’t really think- -“

Instructor Rapidtalk: “IT’S EITHER YOU, OR WE’LL LET SAWAH WOSENPIMPLE TAKE A STAB AT IT.”

Kathryn: “I’ll do it! (Stands…clears throat)

Instructor Rapidtalk: “OKAY! THE AD WAS FOR COLONIAL SAVINGS BANK. THE AD PROMISES THAT WITH EACH NEW ACCOUNT, YOU WILL RECEIVE ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS AS AN INCENTIVE FOR BEING A NEW CUSTOMER….NO STRINGS ATTACHED! JUST STOP IN AND SIGN UP…IT’S THAT EASY. GO!!”

Kathryn: “SOME RESTRICTIONS APPLY. NEW ACCOUNTS MUST MAINTAIN A BALANCE OF NO LESS THAN FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS TO BE ELIGIBLE. NEW ACCOUNTS ARE REQUIRED TO AVERAGE NO LESS THAN TWENTY DEBIT CARD TRANSACTIONS A WEEK AND MUST HAVE A MIDDLE NAME ENDING IN THE LETTER “G” TO QUALIFY. NEW ACCOUNTS MUST ALSO PROVIDE AN ORIGINAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND MUST SHOW A BIRTH TIME BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 8AM AND 4PM TO ASSUME ELIGIBILITY. ANY EMPLOYEE OF COLONIAL BANK, THEIR FAMILIES, SECOND COUSINS, AFFILIATES OR YOGA INSTRUCTORS ARE NOT ELIGIBLE. OTHER RESTRICTIONS MAY APPLY AND ARE AVAILABLE BY SENDING A SELF-ADDRESSED, STAMPED ENVELOPE TO THE ADDRESS BELOW. OFFER EXPIRES JANUARY 12, 2011. NOT TO BE COMBINED WITH ANY OTHER OFFER, EXCLUDING THE AFOREMENTIONED MARGINALLY INCAPACITATED ATTENDEE."

Instructor Rapidtalk: “THAT WAS EXCELLENT. CLASS DISMISSED.”

Damon Finkelburst: “Awesome. Like, I have no idea what you just said.”

Sawah Wosenpimple: “I’m gonna need a weefund.”

Kathryn: “Um. What am I supposed to do with all this lanyard??”

Gavin said...

I hate that guy....but I find you amusing. Go figure. I think you could do a much better job then he could. So I say go for it. XD

Kristen said...

What I hate more than ending up the land off never ending commericials is morning talk radio. I have a favorite pop station but from six to ten it is just these two people talking with a bit of music. I don't know about anyone else but when I'm just trying to stay awake and make it to work hearing someone rambling on does not do the job.

BlackLOG said...

Iwonderwhypeopledon'ttrytodothe samethingwithspeedwritting.typefastenoughandeventualyitallbecomesablur........................

KT said...

barely understood what BlackLOG said, and I bet he had a hard time to NOT press the space bar. Go ahead, try writing a sentence without pressing the space bar, Kathryn.
thisisreallyhardandrequiresalotofconcentration.
Anyways, I don't like the talking or commercials and I hate how radio stations like to play the SAMe songs over and over and OVER again. So, I am part of the million that listens to a CD or my mp3 player.

ValleyWriter said...

Ha ha ha. I, too, listen to regular ol' radio in the car every day. We have a local add where "the lawyers" get to be funny in that fasttalk. I do find it kind of amusing. Maybe you could write for them!! :-D

Reaper said...

you are not the only one... I too listen to the radio and as i flip from station to station trying to run from the ads.... they seem to have them all in time to hit you at once.... but how can that be... damn them...

Tinkerschnitzel said...

Yup, and of course, they only play the really crappy songs when you're in the car too!

Spot said...

I hate the new disclaimers on everything. Why can't the ad just say the real thing to begin with. I prefer the fast talker guy to having to read the fine print on the tv ads though. Too much eye strain!

I like cds. No ads. No sucky songs. Lol.

♥Spot

PS~ thanks for losing the snow. It really helped!

TC said...

I listen to regular radio too. When I want music news or commercials are on, when I want news music is on everywhere.
CUTE post.

Gingerella said...

You're too funny. :)

I still listen to regular radio. It's free. :)

Ron said...

Bwhahahahahahahhahahahaha!

OMG...only YOU!

The dialague was brilliant!

How do you come up with this stuff?

I laughed so hard at that last paragraph I almost pooped! It's funny and also SO true.

I never listen to the radio or even watch TV anymore, but I know what you mean because in the past, I've heard that fast-talking BS before.

Thank for the great Friday laugh, my NY friend!

BRAVA!

xoxoxoxo

WannabeVirginia W. said...

That was very funny. I was actually reading the part of Mr. Rapidtalk really fast then, I said WTF? Then I read slower. Too Funny.

I just flip stations if there are commercials.

carissajaded said...

hahah love this. I always wanted to be able to speak like the micromachine man. I guess it is kind of the same thing... I speak pretty fast already, so i'm thinking I would be at the top of the class!

lifelove'n'wine said...

I always thought those guys were failed/retired auctioneers. They aspired to one day stand at the mic rattling off numbers and shouting SOLD! Alas, it's a tough business to break into and they had to settle for the radio commerical biz.

Lauren said...

Haha! Oh lovely. Next up, movie-narator voice class?

Alicia said...

I listen to the radio as well on the drive to and from work. To work I listen to the Bob & Tom show, where I love to hate them! On the way home Ryan Seacrest.

My big questions to all the Ipodders and CDers is, How do you know what music is current if you don't listen to the radio? I've always wondered that. Maybe there is a 7th sense to music that I was born without? Let me know.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Awesome class. Of course, you, our dear Kathryn, is the star! Who else could speak so quickly and yet say so much, I ask you??? No one!

Kathryn said...

Gavin: Why, thank you kind sir. It's always good to know I have a fallback vocation...you know...just in case.

Kristen: Yeah...what is that about? Why do they assume ppl only half-awake want to hear other ppl drone on? I would think that peppy tunes would go a much longer way...

BlackLOG:Well, for one thing, your comment fell right off the page! I'd actually considered typing it like that but I was afraid no-one would be able to read it! I can read (what didn't jump off the page) yours just fine, though...

Kathryn said...

KT: HA! I DID try and type it all together like that...but between fighting the impulse to space it and word going crazy and my worry that no-one could read it (or wud get a headache if they tried), I opted out...(unsubscribed, if you will). I've gotten tired of my CD's and I need a better MP3 connector-thingie for my car.

ValleyWriter: OKAY! I'll bet writing for some fast-talking attorneys would be a HOOT! I'm glad I'm not the only one suffering thru all the commercials.

Reaper: I think they sync up for those ads....they HAVE to! I've noticed the same thing...everything's computerized these days, so I'll bet we're right!

Carol said...

Ummm, I can't read that fast so I put your blog in my slow readers unite forum, they are very, very upset with you!

Kathryn said...

Tinkerschnitzel: Uh-huh. Like Captain and Tenille...I always seem to hit the "flashback" stuff...when I'm trying to stay current!

Spot: I have to make some new CD's, since I don't have MP3 in my car and the adaptor-thingie is a piece of crap. I'm glad the no-snow made a difference...I wud've lost it a long time ago!

TC: Thanks! I'll feel in good company the next time I'm listening to all those ads. I really thought I was the last of a dying breed, listening to free radio!

Gingerella: YAY! I AM in good company! I'm glad!

Kathryn said...

RON! Aw, you're very welcome my Philly friend! Your glowing comments always make me smile right back at-cha! I am so lucky to have such fabulous comments...aren't I??

xoxo Happy Friday!

saku chan said...

haha i understand your dilema i feel as though i have been your shoes to many times ha ha i have all ways known when the commercials come on and they happen to come on every time i turn on the radio i am turning to youtube and my zune and my cd player that has made it all stop haha well i hope this has put some light in your dilema and you should see moonacre its a really good movie its with dekota fanning i think it sure looks like her so my it is im still trying to put the main charater and her together and see if it her geh my brain is frying haha

Kathryn said...

WannabeVirginiaW: Thank you! Yes, I flip the stations at the ads, too...unless I'm daydreaming and that's when that mindless chatter wakes me up!

carissajaded: I'm sure you'd pass with flying colors! Sounds like you've already got a leg up on all the others...especially poor Sawah.

Lifelove'n'wine: You are absolutely right, of course! I'd forgotten all about the auctioneers...although I REALLY can't understand them! These guys I can just barely make out. They have pretty good ENUNCIATION.

Kathryn said...

Lauren: Oooh! Good one! I could definitely get into that! Anything with voices, right??

Alicia: No, your logic is exactly the reason I like to listen to the radio! I've gone for long periods of time playing only CDs and my iPod and then I'm completely out of touch. My greatest new find is the MUSIC ID app on my Blackberry....it'll listen to the song and tell me name and artist! How cool is that??

Oddyoddyo13: Yup! That would be me! I've already received my diploma and am ready to move onto something else. Sweetie: Would you mind telling us how you came up with your screen name? I'm curious.

Lily Johnson said...

Oh dear!i was laughing so loud, my brother came to make sure i was ok. Sawa should have been warned that our very own Kat was in the class! The ad you read was hilarious.
You are awesome girl!

JennyMac said...

this is awesome...Sawa...poor Sawa.

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, Kathryn.

I missed you while I was away last week.

I may not comment on every post, but I'm reading them all and loving them.

You're too talented to be doing this for free.

SOMEONE PAY THIS WOMAN! NOW!

Jerry said...

I'm certainly not an expert on this amazing talk-fast-and-crush-all-hopes-and-expectations-that-was-expressed-before talk, but it seems to me that you could have a career in auctioneering. I see a lot of advantages to this -- in control of an audience, in the spotlight, disdainfully acknowledging a meekly raised hand -- what more could you want?

Christiejolu said...

This was great!

I personally don't listen to the radio any more, I hook my Ipod up to the stereo now. But yeah those fast talking guys are good!

Nicole said...

As a fellow radio listener, channel changer, et al - thank you for giving me the biggest laugh I've had in weeks! Told ya, I needed to catch up on my reading!!

Wendy Blum said...

Sawa Wosenpimple reminds me of the character on Wonder Pets. Her name is Ming-Ming and that's how she talks. Drives me insane! Thank the Lord my son only has to watch that Nick Jr. show occasionally. I prefer listening to books on CD in the car on my way to work and back. They are really good. And I really had my doubts about them when a friend suggested I give them a try. Just like having the radio on but much better because there aren't any commercials. Currently, I am listening to Insomnia by Stephen King. And in case you care, I actually read the book a long time ago. Try them some time. Your library should have them. And who knows, it could lead to another fabulous blog from you =)

Fierce said...

Such a positive impact in the lives of some unsuspecting potential client. They shoulda known anybody whose middle name ended in a letter other than G did NOT deserve to be in on such a sweet deal. Oh wait, that means I'm out too. Shoot!

:)
xoxo

Collette said...

Of course, the commercials are all on at the same time, too. No music at all for about 5 minutes.
Gotta love those disclaimers though. I figure if it has a disclaimer you can't understand, then don't buy it! By the time you understand what the disclaimer is, your warranty has just run out...lol

snoble24 said...

yeah i hate it when they do that so fast talking disclaimers that you dont know what they are.i always wondered if you had to take a class to do it

Kathryn said...

saku chan: Yes, tuning into Youtube and the CD player makes it easier to drown out those commercials...but then you don't get to hear all the new stuff! Hard to find a balance!

Lily Johnson: Thank you! Yeah, I swear...those ads go by so fast...who knows what they're really saying??

JennyMac: Yes....my favorite character...little Sawa. She says to say, "Herro".

Kathryn said...

Carol: HA! It's a good thing then that I didn't mesh all the words together like I'd originally planned! I'd really be in trouble then!

JD at I DO Things: THERE'S the pretty girl! You're baaack! I've missed you, too! AND I've missed your lovely, (head-enlarging) comments! ROCK ON, bay-bee!

Jerry: HA! It DOES sound pretty perfect....although, I admit that I cannot understand a WORD the auctioneer says....I think that's prerequisite for the job as well...you must slur and cut off half your words. I can do that!

christiejolu: I wonder if the public radio people ever read these blogs...maybe they'd cut out some ads if they realized how tired of it we're getting!

Kathryn said...

Nicole: Aw. You're welcome! And it's great to hear from you! I'm glad I could give you a chuckle.

Wendy Blum: My sister does the books on tape thing...she's got a 1-hour commute each way. My stuff is more local, so I'd be listening to it piecemeal...I'm only listening so I don't turn into an old fart who doesn't know what songs are popular!

fierce: Aw....don't take it personally, sweetie! It was a crappy deal to begin with, trust me!

Kathryn said...

Collette: Hey sweetie! This is sooo true! Anybody who has to talk that fast has to be up to no good, right??

snoble24: I wonder that, too! I've also wondered if they have them speak "normally" and then speed up the sound...how much you wanna bet that's what they do?

Jenny said...

For a second there I thought you were talking about my bank. But it didn't say anything (rapidly) about only being able to make deposits on Tuesdays after the first full moon. So you know...totally different.

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