Sunday, January 31, 2010

Freakin' Genius

So, I’m working on laptop. As is customary, I have so many windows open that I’m losing my train of thought.


And suddenly, it happens: I have a FABULOUS, EXCITING, MIND-BLOWING IDEA….AN EPIPHANY!


So, I did the only thing anyone with an EPIPHANY-CLOUD over their head can do:

Kathryn: “Hello? Hi, it’s Kathryn…from ‘The Inside Out’? Is Bill there? Sure…I’ll hold.”

Bill Gates: “Hey, Cookie! What’s cooking? To what do I owe the pleasure? Did you have another epiphany?”

K: (Eyes wide) “How did you know?? That’s right! Remember when I’d mentioned to you that I thought it would be nice if everyone could have a custom-built computer…with only the stuff that they wanted on it?”

BG: “Nooooo…..sorry. Doesn't ring a bell.”

K: “Aw…c’mon! I said that purple shirt brought out the blue in your eyes….and you said, ‘Aw, shucks Kathryn…if I wasn’t married…’ and we laughed and laughed. Remember??”


BG: “Maybe…. Possibly. I can’t be sure. I get an awful lot of compliments on that shirt, you know. Why? What are you thinking?”

K: “Well. What about offering a computer with an operating system that’s customized for each individual user. We could call it ‘Kathrynville…inspired by Microsoft’! What do you think?”

BG: “Oy….how about ‘Microsoft You…inspired in part by a few brief conversations with Kathryn’? And what’s with the ‘-ville’? Are you expanding to an entire town now?”

K: “I have to say…I don’t care for the ‘tude, Dude. I may as well tell you that I’ve placed a call to…(*BEEP!*)…please hold…I’ve got another call-“

*CLICK*

Oprah: “Kathryn? It’s me. What’s up, sugar? Your message said something about an epiphany? Isn’t that your second one this month? You are on a roll, girl! Talk to me.”


K: “Hey, doll! Hang on…I’ve got Bill on the other line. He’s giving me agida…”

*CLICK…….CLICK*

Kathryn: “Okay! Bill? Oprah? You there?”

Bill: (Surprised) “Oprah?! I’ve thought about it. I’m in! Kathrynville it is! Let’s work out the details….”

Oprah: “Not so fast, Buckeroo. Maybe I want a piece of this genius idea from our gal here…she already threw you a bone with that whole Hotmail debacle. I do believe it’s MY turn to share some of the Kathryn-looooove….”


Kathryn: “Awwww. She says the sweetest things! She’s got a point, Bill….it’s really her turn. It’s important that I spread my genius evenly, ya know…”

Oprah: “We’ll call it ‘OhPrah-ctically Perfect…inspired by Kathrynville’…I know how you’re dying for that name to catch on, kiddo. Initially, no-one’ll know what the hell it means, but before you know it, you’ll be a household name! What exactly IS this, again?”

Kathryn: (Sighs) “I swear…sometimes it’s like I’m talking to myself. PERSONALIZED! Everybody gets only what they want. Ya want Google as your homepage? Done! You can have ONE add-on for multimedia…not a kazillion that just wind up conflicting with each other. No more of this proprietary crap! I mean, seriously…how many search engines does a girl need? De-cluttered, organized, simple. Everything you want...and nothing you don't. EVER."

Bill Gates: “Now, hang on a minute! That ‘proprietary crap’ is what makes this country--"

(*BEEP!*)

Kathryn: “Oops…Bill? Hang on a second….CLINTON!! How do I do a three-way?!”


Clinton Kelly (Surprised IV): “Well, first you need to know people who are into that sort of thing…. Who are we talking about?”

K: “Bill and Oprah…and I’ve got another call coming in.”

CK: “Bill Clinton and Oprah? Really?? Huh. You think you know people…”

K: “Oh…ew! Bill Gates. Oh, ew! No!! Just tell me how to conference a three-way, mister.”

CK: (Mumbles) “Hardly worth my walking all the way in here…press this, then this….now click here.”

*CLICK!*

Martha Stewart: (Thundering noise in background) “KATHRYN? AM I TOO LATE? IS THERE STILL TIME FOR ME TO THROW A FEW MILLION TOWARDS THIS THING?”


Kathryn: “Where the hell are you? What’s with the thundering noise in the background?”

Martha: “I’M IN MY CHOPPER….ABOUT TO LAND AT THE COMPOUND….RETURNING FROM THE VINYARD….—M -- …OO…-ATE?”

Kathryn: “Martha? You’re breaking up! We’ll work it out! I’ll call you later. Oprah? Bill? You still there?”

Oprah: “I’m here…but I think we lost Bill.”

Clinton Kelly: “Kathryn…they haven’t invented a 4-way residential conference call yet. You keep forgetting to add yourself to the total when counting up the participants. You maxed out with Bill, Oprah and you. (Holds up three fingers) That's three.”

Kathryn: “Riiiiight….how am I gonna remember that?”

(*BEEP!*)

Kathryn: “Oprah? Hang on, sweetie…”

*CLICK*

President Obama: “Kathryn? I just received your message. So, you’re finally ready to go ahead with Kathrynville?”

Kathryn: “Oprah? I’m gonna have to call you back.”


Gavin said...

Haha...I adore your little dialogues. You really do have an amazing talent.

Lauren said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Made my whole weekend! Wow... how come your imaginary friends are all rich, powerful and successful while mine live in my closet or under my desk? Love the photos! It just proves that everything you say is true.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

I'm telling you, genius is always recognized.

Dreamfarm Girl said...

:-() that is me with doing a big fat guffaw. This was hilarious! The photos are truly genius. You might oughta print em out really big, poster size! Especially the one with our beloved Prez.

Kimberly said...

Too funny! How DO you come up with this stuff?

Carol said...

All I'm gonna say girlfriend is that you have better conversations in your head than I've had lately with live people!

Jerry said...

I'm humbled and now a little afraid of you. All this time I thought you were a shy little country gal -- and now I find that you are schmoozing with the rich and illustrious. And to top it off, you have a lot of epiphanies. My wife had one of those right after we were married and...oh wait, maybe I have my words confused here.

Ron said...

YOU. ARE. BRILLIANT.

BRAVA!!!

Love the dialogue and LOVE the photos. How the hell did you do that? The one of you and Oprah is hysterical!

OhPrah-ctically Perfect!

I need to start hanging out with you. You're friends with all the in-the-know people! Please tell Oprah I'm launching a new fragrance, maybe she'll promote it before her show goes off the air - HA!

It's called "Kathrynville"

And it smells GENIUS!

Thanks for a great laugh, my friend!

X ya!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

I was waiting for Stevie to call you. You know about the IPAD thingy. Maybe he can IMAIL you with some INFO... Okay I need to sleep. Have to go to by IBED.

Jenny said...

I am on board with this whole K-ville plan. I mean truly, how many different photo/music/video/camera organizing/sharing/editing/mixing apps does a person need. The mind reels. If you need me, I'll be in Kathrynville. Thanks.

Lily Johnson said...

When i was done laughing (for several minutes), i thought to my self "This could actually work!" A personalised computer for everyone. You are a genius Kat. Seriously.

Collette said...

And I bet you know all the Rock stars too, right? Oh yeah, Ozzy called here looking for you. I told him you'll get back with him when you get a chance...lol Awesome post! (((HUGS)))

Bernadine said...

Hi

This was very funny. Making my Monday (as you always do). :)

Enjoy your Monday!!!

Picture Imperfect said...

LOL! Freakin' genius, indeed! i love your photoshops! :o)

Hope all is well with you, my friend. Talk to you soon!

~Smoog

BlackLOG said...

Are you trying to tell me that Obama trumps Oprah? I don't remember him being in The colour purple, at least Bill played homage to the film with his shirt selection...

Allegria said...

I'm surprised that a person with such connections as yourself deigns to hang out with us plebeians. :oD Great post. I'm awed by its beauty and profundity. And I want a computer installed with Kathrynville.

Have you spoken with James Cameron about a movie?

Allegria said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spot said...

I think they make medicine for people who talk to that many voices in their head?!

The pictures are too cute! How did Clinton get back from Vegas so fast? I swear he was just there Saturday night. Miss America pageant?

I totally want to come live in Kathrynville. =]

♥Spot

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

You have a seriosly warped and wonderful mind!!

Anonymous said...

Morning Gorgeous,
Looks like you had a wonderful day with your new toy. Picked a few good ones too, and I love the way you ties it all together. Sorry, don't mean to sound like this, this post was very, VERY funny Kath!
~Mone

Gingerella said...

And you'll have customized pricing too, right? :)

Tinkerschnitzel said...

Wonderful, as always!

Kathryn said...

Gavin: Thank you, sweetie! The question I often ask myself is, "How much is talent and how much is bordering on insanity?" Fine line...

Lauren: That's right! 'Cause if you can see it in a crappily-cropped photoshopped photo, then it MUST be true! And yeah...how come all your imaginary characters are living in dark, dusty places?? Wanna borrow some of mine??

Oddyoddyo13: Aint it the truth? We all recognize it in each other!

Mahsa said...

Hahhahahah, interesting and creative, better say BRILLIANT!

Loved the pics. great job :D

Kathryn said...

Dreamfarm Girl: Yeah...I think the Prez one is my favorite too! (He and I are OBVIOUSLY very tight!) I had so much fun writing this one...but those photos were a BITCH!

Kimberly: Thank you! And...I have no idea! It's just....there. (Scary, huh?)

Carol: HA! Well, that's the beauty of the imagination...it can go just the way you want it to!

Kathryn said...

Jerry: HA! Don't worry...I'll get you a dictionary/thesaurus for Christmas...set you right up! Yes...be very afraid. My rolodex (um, I mean Blackberry) is a virtual who's-who of big-names. Anyone you (I) can imagine, actually!

Kathryn said...

RON! You. Are. Great. For. My. EGO!
Hey...stick with me, honey....I can hook you up (via PhotoShop) with anyone you like! And I won't have to do a crappy job just to keep from being sued!

I'll have Oprah's people call your people. Then we'll all do lunch.
xoxo!

Kathryn said...

WannabeVirginiaW: You are seriously stuck in an i-LOOP, honey? This is a serious affliction....I prescribe chocolate and martinis....STAT!

Jenny: Aw! Glad you're onboard! I'm so freakin' tired of the add-ons conflicting with each other...that, and apps trying to load 5 other apps along with the one I want. Grrrr....

Lily Johnson: You'll see....someday! Somebody's gonna come out with it and everyone'll clamor to get one. Streamlined...no additional CRAP. It's genius, I tell ya!

Kathryn said...

Collette: Thanks, sweetie! Tell Ozzy his voicemail is full...and I'm not chasing HIM! He knows where to find me.

Bernadine:Thanks, doll! I'm glad you enjoyed it! 'Cause I enjoyed writing it.

SMOOG! Welcome home! Great to see you! I'm on my way to your place!

Fierce said...

You have Obama on your contact list too??? OMG Kathryn, your epiphanies are like some kinda exclusive-to-ridiculously-rich-and-powerful-people-and-or-other-entities commodity. Way to go!!! *cheering* Clinton must be so proud.

By the way Clinton, what were you THINKING when she said three-way???!!!

;)
xoxo

Christiejolu said...

LMAO! Woman you are a genius!

Jen said...

You do have an overactive imagination. If only they were that easy to get on the phone. So sorry for my absence from commenting. I've been taking a vacation from the internet while on vacation in the sun. Back now to the arctic north and blogging.

Kathryn said...

BlackLOG: HA! I hadn't made that connection...I'll be sure to point it out to the Prez...

Allegria: You're my PEEPS! Don't you be talking trash about my PEEPS! (Is profundity really a word? Huh. I guess so....) Getting right on that movie deal....

Spot: HA!Didn't you know? Clinton is SUPERMAN....no-one travels faster than he does...or more often, for that matter. We'll all live happily in Kathrynville....

TC said...

My dog has Dispatchland (cuz Dispatch is his name), is that anything like Kathrynville?

I think I've had feverish dreams like that conversation? LOVED IT!

Kathryn said...

Maureen@IslandRoar: Hey, sweetie! How are you feeling?? I've missed you! I'm heading over....

Mone! Hey, you! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Actually, I worked on the photos off and on all weekend...it was such a hoot to work on them! xoxo

Gingerella: Uh-huh...with HUGE discounts for all my blogbuds!

Kristen @ Motherese said...

Hilarious! The photos, the dialogue, genius! If you're still looking for investors, I'm in. I'll transfer some doubloons from my PayPal account a.s.a.p.

Thanks so much for your comment on my guest post at IslandRoar. I loved my visit to your blog!

Kathryn said...

Tinkerschnitzel: Thanks, sweetie!

Mahsa: Aw, thank you! I'm glad all that hard work paid off!

Fierce: Clinton can be very naughty....he reminds me of this periodically. It's his disclaimer for any inconsistencies in his responses. (Smart cookie) Yes, evidently my contact list is growing and growing!!

christiejolu: Aw....thanks, sweetie!

Jen:No worries, sweetie! I was surprised you'd managed to get online at all! but, so glad you're back! I missed you!

TC: Hmmmm....I will allow Dispatchland into Kathrynville. They sound like a good fit!

Kathryn said...

Kristen @ Motherese: Aw...thanks so much! I enjoyed your guest post at Maureen's place also. You're welcome here any time...I'll stop by and say hello at your place as well. Thanks for the comment!

Jerry said...

I attempted to send you an email. I attempted many times. I simply wanted to privately thank you for your kind comments to one of my posts.

After writing the letter, I would carefully type in the funny letters at the bottom -- and I would get a message that I got the letters wrong. Again I would type, carefully verifying each keystroke -- each time the stupid message. After nine times I decided that I didn't want to send an email that bad.

So I publicly thank you.

(...and I think your email process is broke. Or dementia has finally settled in.)

Warm regards,

Jerry

Kathryn said...

Jerry: I'm so sorry about that! I'd no idea it didn't work properly! I'm going to try and disable the "email author" alltogether from the bottom if I can't fix it. You can ALWAYS email me by clicking on my "profile"...it's down there somewhere on my sidebar...no, keep scrolling....and there's a link to my email.
And you are very welcome, BTW. Now, I've gotta fix that!

Heather said...

Sorry I'm late to the meeting. You have my vote, sorry I can't donate to the cause.

Me, Myself and Her said...

Next time you have a conference call include me, ok?! Wish I "knew" as many awesome people as you LOL Great post as always, Kathryn =) And btw, sorry so late on the reply. Been a bit busy around my neck of the woods...

Kathryn said...

Me, Myself and Her: M'kay...I just have to put you in my speed-dial....DONE! No worries, sweetie...I'm just glad you're back!

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