Sunday, December 23, 2012

Eliza the Inspirational Elf

I realized the other day that I needed to update my 2012 list to Santa. I freaked out for a sec, thinking that it had to be too late…but then I figured, “No prob. I’ll just shoot the old geezer a quick email. He’d probably be impressed with my ingenuity and thoughtfulness in offering him an updated option to the old-fashioned physicality of unwrapping an actual letter. Besides, I’m sure I’m not the only one who keeps losing her crappy letter opener.

I thought you might like to see how this dialogue played out:

From: Kathryn
To: Mr. Santa Claus
Subject: A last-minute plea

Dear Santa,
I apologize for the delay in sending out this request to you. I’m sure you’re extremely busy, so I won’t keep you. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind adding to your sleigh some “Lancôme Resolution Eye Refill-3X™ Triple-Action Renewal Anti-Wrinkle Eye Cream”.  
I’d really appreciate it!
Happy Holidays-

From: Mr. Santa Claus
To: Kathryn
Subject: Re: Re: A last-minute plea

Dear Kathryn,
Thank you for your recent email and subsequent eleventh-hour request for ”Lancôme Resolution Eye Refill-3X™ Triple-Action Renewal Anti-Wrinkle Eye Cream”.  I’m afraid Mr. Claus is out of the office at this time and will not return until January 7th. I wouldn’t hold your breath waiting for a response. But thank you for your desire to add even more strife to our already crushingly insane schedule, all in an effort to satisfy your vain, selfish need for perfect skin.
Eliza the Elf/V.P./Insensitive Last Ditch Requests/North Pole

To: Eliza the Bitch Elf
From: Kathryn
Subject: Re: Re: Re: A last-minute plea

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why the hostility, Eliza? Shouldn’t you be focusing on needy kids, or that lengthy beach break you guys get in January to relieve some of that stress? I mean, yikes…it’s a teeny bottle of eye cream, for God’s sake. I get mine at the Macy’s counter, if that helps. First floor, next to the Estee Lauder counter? Across from the MAC display.  I promose that the reindeer-police won’t even notice a tip in the register when you add it to the sleigh. It’s not like I’m asking for a freakin’ pony. Lighten up. It’s Christmas.
Kathryn/Requestor of  ”Lancôme Resolution Eye Refill-3X™ Triple-Action Renewal Anti-Wrinkle Eye Cream.”

To: Kathryn
From: Eliza the Elf
CC: Mr. Santa Claus
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: A last-minute plea

When you strike out the word “bitch”, it does not prevent me from being able to see it. I have cc’d Santa on this email. That should give you something to think about for next Christmas.

Macy’s is out of your ”Lancôme Resolution Eye Refill-3X™ Triple-Action Renewal Anti-Wrinkle Eye Cream.” It’s on back-order and there is no expected re-stock date. And before you even think of asking, NO, my team cannot scout every possible location in an attempt to find you your freakin’ eye cream. Try replacing some of that wine with water every now and then and while you’re at it, try increasing the resolution on your monitor to 200% so you’ll stop all that squinting…that ought to help. Other than that, I don’t know what to tell you.

Yes, it’s Christmas. Please remember: it’s what’s on the inside that counts. You’ve got to just let it out.

Wow. That would be a great title for something, don’t you think? 

“From the Inside…Out”.

What do you think, Kathryn?
In Christmas Spirit,
Elf Eliza

To: Eliza the Elf
From: Kathryn
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A last-minute plea

This recipient is out of the office and will return on December 26th.  She’s spending the holiday surrounded by those she loves and is happily willing to create a few more smile lines in the process. She's realized it’s a small price to pay.

(Thanks for the reminder, Eliza.)

Wishing everyone the warm comfort of peace we all so deeply deserve this holiday season.

Love you. Mean it.

Gigi said...

I was just thinking about you (no, really, I was!) and to what did my wandering eye appear? But a post from Kathryn, one who's so dear!

Merry Christmas, Kathryn! xo

Lauren said...

Woah... Eliza is good! Damn! Turned that right around on you. Well played Madame Elf. Well played.

Right... and nice try Kathryn. I wouldn't feel too bad. Elves live forever. She's probably got at least five hundred years on you. Maybe that's where all your Lancome Triple Power Super Duper Blah Blah Blah Cream is going!

Happy Holidays!

brite said...

Merry Christmas Katheryn! May you and yours find light, love and joy this season and everyday!

sage said...

Smile a lot and laugh even more and avoid calling little people names! Merry Christmas, Kathryn.

Anonymous said...

So nice to hear from from you! Santa has spent years intimidating small children; no wonder his elves need some hospitality training! If they were required to go through Starbucks' program they would be more professional. Baristas always seem happy.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. It's a special Christmas treat to wake up with a post from you!

Jerry said...

It is so so nice to see you, even without the applied anti-wrinkle cream. The whopping best to you and your this Christmas. Please stop by.

Alicia said...

Dude! Only YOU could come up with something this hilarious! Which is why I miss you so darn much! Hoping you had a wonderful Christmas and that in 2013 you make more time for me...ummm, I mean us and your blog. Hugs from Sunny California :)

wendy said...

Every picture I've seen of you is awesome, so don't stress over the eye cream. However, maybe you could put a word in to Eliza for me for the upcoming Christmas? Since you really don't look as if you need the eye help. Just a thought :)
Hope your Christmas was great and wishing you and your family wonderful 2013.

Mark Price said...

Hi Kathryn!
Merry Christmas (late) Happy New Year (late). Hmmm... oh I know, Happy Easter! :)
Not sure yet if I am coming back to Bloggville but I sure have missed reading your posts. Hope you are well and enjoying the new year!

Jerry said...

Come see me.

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