I realized the other day that I needed to update my 2012 list to Santa. I freaked out for a sec, thinking that it had to be too late…but then I figured, “No prob. I’ll just shoot the old geezer a quick email. He’d probably be impressed with my ingenuity and thoughtfulness in offering him an updated option to the old-fashioned physicality of unwrapping an actual letter. Besides, I’m sure I’m not the only one who keeps losing her crappy letter opener.
I thought you might like to see how this dialogue played out:
To: Mr. Santa Claus
Subject: A last-minute plea
I apologize for the delay in sending out this request to you. I’m sure you’re extremely busy, so I won’t keep you. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind adding to your sleigh some “Lancôme Resolution Eye Refill-3X™ Triple-Action Renewal Anti-Wrinkle Eye Cream”.
I’d really appreciate it!
From: Mr. Santa Claus
Subject: Re: Re: A last-minute plea
Thank you for your recent email and subsequent eleventh-hour request for ”Lancôme Resolution Eye Refill-3X™ Triple-Action Renewal Anti-Wrinkle Eye Cream”. I’m afraid Mr. Claus is out of the office at this time and will not return until January 7th. I wouldn’t hold your breath waiting for a response. But thank you for your desire to add even more strife to our already crushingly insane schedule, all in an effort to satisfy your vain, selfish need for perfect skin.
Eliza the Elf/V.P./Insensitive Last Ditch Requests/North Pole
To: Eliza the
Subject: Re: Re: Re: A last-minute plea
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why the hostility, Eliza? Shouldn’t you be focusing on needy kids, or that lengthy beach break you guys get in January to relieve some of that stress? I mean, yikes…it’s a teeny bottle of eye cream, for God’s sake. I get mine at the Macy’s counter, if that helps. First floor, next to the Estee Lauder counter? Across from the MAC display. I promose that the reindeer-police won’t even notice a tip in the register when you add it to the sleigh. It’s not like I’m asking for a freakin’ pony. Lighten up. It’s Christmas.
Kathryn/Requestor of ”Lancôme Resolution Eye Refill-3X™ Triple-Action Renewal Anti-Wrinkle Eye Cream.”
From: Eliza the Elf
CC: Mr. Santa Claus
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: A last-minute plea
When you strike out the word “bitch”, it does not prevent me from being able to see it. I have cc’d Santa on this email. That should give you something to think about for next Christmas.
Macy’s is out of your ”Lancôme Resolution Eye Refill-3X™ Triple-Action Renewal Anti-Wrinkle Eye Cream.” It’s on back-order and there is no expected re-stock date. And before you even think of asking, NO, my team cannot scout every possible location in an attempt to find you your freakin’ eye cream. Try replacing some of that wine with water every now and then and while you’re at it, try increasing the resolution on your monitor to 200% so you’ll stop all that squinting…that ought to help. Other than that, I don’t know what to tell you.
Yes, it’s Christmas. Please remember: it’s what’s on the inside that counts. You’ve got to just let it out.
Wow. That would be a great title for something, don’t you think?
“From the Inside…Out”.
What do you think, Kathryn?
In Christmas Spirit,
To: Eliza the Elf
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A last-minute plea
This recipient is out of the office and will return on December 26th. She’s spending the holiday surrounded by those she loves and is happily willing to create a few more smile lines in the process. She's realized it’s a small price to pay.
(Thanks for the reminder, Eliza.)
Wishing everyone the warm comfort of peace we all so deeply deserve this holiday season.
Love you. Mean it.