Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Stress & Da Bird

So, I’m driving into work and I’ve got the radio on. I’m scowling and punching my radio buttons and I’m annoyed because I can’t find any public radio stations that don’t tawk, squawk and yell. Just so you know, I do not appreciate being yelled at first thing in the morning….if you do it, you’re dead to me. (Spits dramatically on the ground and makes exaggeratedly-wild arm gestures.)

Gee. I can’t believe Word let me sneak through with a word like “exaggeratedly”. I’m relatively certain it’s not a real word, Word...


So, I’m noticing how interesting it is that they say there’s a risk of flurries, when they never say there’s a risk of rain. I guess this falls under the header of there being a wind chill in the winter, when it’s considered a breeze in the summer.

You do find this interesting, right?? I knew you would.

Anyway, the news comes on and evidently a massive amount of crows just inexplicably fell out of the sky in Arkansas. No-one could understand why, so it was being investigated by scientists…who came up with three distinct possibilities that might explain this flock of madness:

  1. They were all simultaneously hit by lightning at exactly the same moment.
  2. There was an upper air disturbance and they were all simultaneously hit in the head by very large hail at exactly the same moment. (I am not making this up.)
  3. (This one’s my favorite…and almost caused me to run off the road) They died from stress due to the New Year’s fireworks in the area.

Okaaay. Now, I’m no rocket scientist…but…really?? Bird-stress from the fireworks? Is that the best you could come up with? Do you mind if I give it a try? I’ve got some theories of my own:

  1. The crows made a bet to see who could go the longest without flapping their wings.
  2. The flock mistakenly thought the ground was an open window. (Ya know…like in those Windex commercials? Work with me, people.)
  3. The crows, led my Cam, AKA Cammie-the-Coercing-Crow were brainwashed into thinking that it was only a myth that birds can’t eat rice, after Cam took them all out for sushi. It was a mass sushie-cide.

Okay….that made me wince and I’m the one who typed it. Hey, it’s a gift. I’m going to leave you now to ponder the obvious: How is it that Kathryn is not a scientist??

Some things, it seems….are meant to forever remain a mystery.

Cathy Olliffe-Webster said...

"Mass sushie-cide"

Hey, your explanations make just as much sense as theirs do. I really want to know WHY they died. It's like a Twilight Zone story in the making. I'm thinking aliens and dead movie stars and the giant sta-puff marshmallow man.

Unknown said...

Didn't all of this happen in that movie "The Happening"?

It's definitely creepy. I love people's reasoning for this. I've been reading comments on articles all day with statement's like "The military are testing bio-chemical weapons." I think we'll eventually find a reason, but in a laboratory. We may not know the answer for quite some time.

Unknown said...

I LOVE your explanations! And I really needed a good laugh after just watching my daughter's basketball team get clobbered by their opponent. Ugh! Thanks for cheering me up!

Are you going to post about all the dead fish too? I would love to read your theories on that! :)

Jerry said...

Now I think I heard that it happened in Louisiana (near the Arkansas border) too. Maybe they wanted to become Southern Fried Chicke...oh, never mind.

My theory is that some chemical company figured they could release some toxic stuff over the holidays and no one would know.....but the birds did!

But...sushie-cide sounds better.

Jen said...

I heard this whole thing while driving yesterday. I thought for sure someone was going to say it was a sign of the end of days. Like the floods and locusts coming. That would be such a crappy way to start off the new year.

Alicia said...

Hahaha, gosh I've been so busy holiday'ing it up (Word knows that's not a word..Word!) that I haven't been to visit you as often as I normally do...but I'm so glad I made it to this post, it is too funny. I heard that same news story this morning.

I told my sister that I thought the newsman had said that they had all frozen at the same time because it's so cold.

Did you know fish are randomly dying in the same area? Weird huh?

Lauren said...

I cringed and laughed at sushie-cide. Clever and yet... I don't know. I was discussing this at dinner with my parents. The crows fell (ha?) by the wayside when we started arguing over how to pronounce Arkansas. I don't know that we reached a resolution. Your excuses sound infinitely more likely than these so-called scientists. Keep us posted Dr. Kathryn.

Dorn said...

Your take on the birds were far more plausible! Ever watched the show Flashforward? Nope? Well neither did the rest of America because it was canceled after one season. Whole lot of dead crows started the crisis. Brace yourself...you just might get to see your own future in the very near future!

Selina Kingston said...

That actually made me groan....even though it was too funny. I love coming here.
Belated Happy New Year to you !

Vince said...

It might be they realised that the Shooter on Grey's Anatomy missed the vitals of most of them and so the fricking programme is back on the telly. Causing innocent Crows to lose the will to live having to yet again to listen to that moany bint drone on about how dreadfully hard life is for the private medical community.
The Crows, as you know, have an antenna forever tuned into all transmissions.

Gigi said...

Sushi-cide - Kathryn, you slay me; you really do.

Do they even have sushi in Arkansas??

JP said...

Did anyone watch FlashFoward? (yeah I know no one watched it, that's why it was canceled)...


Full-On-Forward said...

I'm going to have to "CAW" you on the Mass- Sushi-cide! That was 5 plus AWESOME!!!

Also--a large number of Crows--

IS CALLED A MURDER!!!!!!! I'm serious! Another piece of the Sushi, Windex, Hail, Lightening theory!

But, WERE They were "Murdered"? by who s/he asks--- Brandon Lee of course? son of Murdered?? Bruce Lee-- whooooo scary! As was the Movie!

and you are funnier than ever!!!!!



Full-On-Forward said...

Wait-- I got it!!

Bird Flu!!!! They didn't get their shots, and that will teach them to go to Asian Bird Massage Parlors!


Nance said...

Swamp gas. A huge burp of swamp gas.

Arkansas has swamps, right?

sage said...

You should be on NPR...

As for the blackbirds maybe:

1. someone wanted to make Blackbird pie (wasn't there a nursey rhyme about that--maybe they are reliving their childhood)


2. too many kids got shotguns for Christmas in Arkansas!

kathryn said...

Cathy Webster (Olliffe): Wow...and they say that *I* have an imagination! "Aliens, dead movie stars and a giant sta-puff marshmallow man"?? Oh my. I'm thinking we can write a much better ending to this than any we'll see in real life.

Mike Vaz: Okay. Obviously, I have not seen this flick. It's a scary one, right? That would explain why I haven't seen it. My imagination is scary enough all by itself, thankyouverymuch.

Kimberly: Well, you know I have theories about everything. And I'm glad I was able to make you smile, even though I know you weren't planning to. Gotta keep releasing those endorphins!

kathryn said...

Jerry: Gee, Jerry. "Southern Fried Chicke"? Chickerelli Brothers? I've heard that Guido Chickerelli doesn't care much for that "Southern Fried" reference. But I'll let him deal with you. I do believe your theory is more plausible than mine...although my suchie-cide makes a better headline, don't you think?

Jen: Ha. "Crappy New Year" to us, right? Yeah...the end of the world can never really come at a good time. I think that's safe to say.

Alicia: Yeah...I hadn't heard about the fish till later. Then it just became downright creepy. I'm glad you've been holiday'ing it up! Word be damned! Happy New Year, sweetie!

Full-On-Forward said...






see I'm so upset- I have CLA- Caps Lock affliction going on!

Bewildered in SC,


PS: The Birdman of Alcatraz, or maybe Hitchcock could give us some answers over this Flap!!

Runnergirl said...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I reckon that the population of Arkansas have just had a spooky premonition of their life in 6 months time on a specific date.

No? C'mon? Someone must have seen "Flash Forward" (admittedly we gave up after Series 1).

Runnergirl said...

Just gone back and see Dorn's comment.

We must have given up half way through Season 1 then!

Unknown said...

I'm amazed that no one's thrown out the theory that it was aliens. It's ALWAYS the aliens!!!

[And the scientist in me has to point out that they were red-winged blackbirds, not crows. The girly-girl in me would then like to note that red-winged blackbirds are actually very pretty little birds... which makes me feel worse for the poor little things. Is that superficial? Wait, don't answer that.]

Betsy said...

Sushi-cide.....oh my. :)

How about: it's the End of Days and Armegeddon is almost upon us! Repent, Repent! Either that or it was caused by aliens...better get your tin foil hat on! ;)

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