I’ve recently received a Facebook friend request from someone by the name of Lucy. She reminds me of my grandma…which is a good thing. But, I’ve no idea who she is.
Anyone who knows me realizes that I’m not exactly winning any awards for memory…and this person isn’t your random “Anrantha Patootienathapantstini” who wants to “show me his photo album”, which I’m pretty sure is code for something dirty. (I usually hit delete and then pour hand sanitizer on my keyboard.)
Which brings me seamlessly to my next thought: Should I know this person? Crap…have we met? I mean…I’ve interviewed a lot of people. Maybe she’s part of that Eleanor Roosevelt knitting club from ’02?
What kills me is that Facebook doesn’t give you anything to go on. Hell, even if Lucy neglected to include a personal note telling me how we might know each other, I’d still like a little more to go on.
I’d like to respectfully request that you include another box beside the “Respond now: Confirm Friend” box. I’ve created one for you…since you still haven’t gotten around to it, even after I’d written you that last 293 suggestions:
And then I think
Real name: (Not a fake one. I’m talking one I can Google and pay some agency $7.95 to run a background check and see if you’ve ever been arrested, owe any back taxes or sang “Muskrat Love” during karaoke night) _____________________
Name three reasons why I’d want to be your friend: (Examples would include: I’m second cousin to Christian Louboutin and I get a discount; I’ve won 60lbs of Godiva chocolate in some sweepstakes and I’m allergic to chocolate; My beach house in Maui is just collecting dust and I’ve got to use up my frequent-flyer miles before they expire.) These are merely some suggestions…______
Are you over the age of 21? (I’d need to know whether you can legally drink): _______________
Do you consider “living on the edge” to be surfing online with your anti-virus disabled? (Shows me what kind of a par-tay animal you might be. You…daredevil, you.) ___________
Do you have bail money? (My attorney insisted I ask this. I’ve no idea why.) _________
If you were a social media application, what would you be? A) Twitter, you twit. B) Facebook, ‘cause I have a face and you can read it like a book. C) What’s social media? (Okay. If it’s “C”, Get. Off. My. Blog. I…can’t even look at you right now.) _____
And so…in the end, I’m no closer to deciding what to do about Miss Lucy. It somehow feels disrespectful to just ignore her. My co-worker, Pinky, suggested in her oh-so-cynical-way that Lucy may not be a real person at all…that she could be some kind of spammer. Could you imagine? I let her in…and she gobbles up all my friends and family in one devastatingly, dastardly-evil move?? Am I really willing to take that chance on a stranger? I think not…unless Facebook’s willing to sign something awarding me millions in damages in the event of a hijack.
But then again, maybe she’s just a sweet little old lady…looking for someone to be her friend. (Awwwww.)
Hang in there, Lucy. I’ll get back to you…as soon as that P.I. I’ve hired gets back to me…