Thursday, January 6, 2011

Friendly Fire

I’ve recently received a Facebook friend request from someone by the name of Lucy. She reminds me of my grandma…which is a good thing. But, I’ve no idea who she is.

Anyone who knows me realizes that I’m not exactly winning any awards for memory…and this person isn’t your random “Anrantha Patootienathapantstini” who wants to “show me his photo album”, which I’m pretty sure is code for something dirty. (I usually hit delete and then pour hand sanitizer on my keyboard.)

Which brings me seamlessly to my next thought: Should I know this person? Crap…have we met? I mean…I’ve interviewed a lot of people. Maybe she’s part of that Eleanor Roosevelt knitting club from ’02?

What kills me is that Facebook doesn’t give you anything to go on. Hell, even if Lucy neglected to include a personal note telling me how we might know each other, I’d still like a little more to go on.

Dear Facebook,
I’d like to respectfully request that you include another box beside the “Respond now: Confirm Friend” box. I’ve created one for you…since you still haven’t gotten around to it, even after I’d written you that last 293 suggestions:

And then I think we Facebook could have a nice, simple questionnaire, which I’ve taken the liberty to create:

Real name: (Not a fake one. I’m talking one I can Google and pay some agency $7.95 to run a background check and see if you’ve ever been arrested, owe any back taxes or sang “Muskrat Love” during karaoke night) _____________________
Name three reasons why I’d want to be your friend: (Examples would include: I’m second cousin to Christian Louboutin and I get a discount; I’ve won 60lbs of Godiva chocolate in some sweepstakes and I’m allergic to chocolate; My beach house in Maui is just collecting dust and I’ve got to use up my frequent-flyer miles before they expire.) These are merely some suggestions…______
Are you over the age of 21? (I’d need to know whether you can legally drink): _______________
Do you consider “living on the edge” to be surfing online with your anti-virus disabled? (Shows me what kind of a par-tay animal you might be. You…daredevil, you.) ___________
Do you have bail money? (My attorney insisted I ask this. I’ve no idea why.) _________
If you were a social media application, what would you be? A) Twitter, you twit. B) Facebook, ‘cause I have a face and you can read it like a book. C) What’s social media? (Okay. If it’s “C”, Get. Off. My. Blog. I…can’t even look at you right now.) _____

And so…in the end, I’m no closer to deciding what to do about Miss Lucy. It somehow feels disrespectful to just ignore her. My co-worker, Pinky, suggested in her oh-so-cynical-way that Lucy may not be a real person at all…that she could be some kind of spammer. Could you imagine? I let her in…and she gobbles up all my friends and family in one devastatingly, dastardly-evil move?? Am I really willing to take that chance on a stranger? I think not…unless Facebook’s willing to sign something awarding me millions in damages in the event of a hijack.

But then again, maybe she’s just a sweet little old lady…looking for someone to be her friend. (Awwwww.)

Hang in there, Lucy. I’ll get back to you…as soon as that P.I. I’ve hired gets back to me

Unknown said...

I would love to be "friends" with someone who has a beach house in Maui that is collecting dust ... and I don't even have any frequent flyer miles ... because I don't frequent anywhere too far from home. But I would ... if I had a "friend" in Maui. :) So if ol' Lucy turns out to have a house in Maui (or any other tropical place), please don't forget your real friends here in Blogville.


Heather said...

LMAO!!!! OMG Kathryn you are a hoot! Lucy is a fellow blogger who is new to Facebook and she is my friend. LOL! I can't stop laughing!

Tia said...

I figured somebody who comments regularly would know who Lucy the grandma was. :) lol

gayle said...

Check out her friends and see if you know any of them!

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

Ok this one made me snort out loud. I almost wish I was still in the dating world so I could break this out in a profile:

Do you consider “living on the edge” to be surfing online with your anti-virus disabled?

Lauren said...

Seriously? Only 7.95 for a background check? Can you run one on me next time I apply for a job? As to Lucy, I wouldn't do it. If she actually knows you she should eventually find you again right? In reality I mean. Maybe you shouldn't trust me... I tend to avoid most people.

Slamdunk said...

I am with you on being skeptical Kathryn, and glad that from your comments it appears to be an innocent gesture. I love your questions and think FB should def give you commission when they implement your strategy.

Runnergirl said...

Soooo troo! Although I don't really get friend requests anymore. I once got one from a guy's, who I sort of know through my husband, parents!

I applied a similar approach when I tried online dating.

Maybe I should apply that to all the random Twitter followers I keep getting!

Gigi said...

And this is why my Facebook is locked down tighter than Fort Knox. Spammers. Well, that and the fact - I don't want anyone from the past to find me.

Well, that just sounded mysterious - didn't it? It's not - I've just no interest in what most of those people have to say and/or are doing these days.

My first thought was it might be a blogger and it looks like I was right; according to Heather. Yay! Is this an omen? To start my day off right? Boy, I hope so.

sage said...

That settles it, I ain't going to befriend you on facebook and risk being ridiculed in a public online forum. Besides, I'm not allergic to chocolate.

You're too funny, Kathryn!

Thaydra said...

I have the same issue when new people pop up wanting to "friend" me. I really think there SHOULD be a little form when you send a request. Do you know the person you are requesting to be friends with? From where? If not, why are you sending the request?

Usually, I flip through thier profile and see if anything rings a bell. If not, I ignore it, and see if it comes back again. If so, then I will send them a message asking who the hell they are. =)

Kelly@MentalGarbage said...

I always hate when I think I "should" recognize someone and don't... Especially in real life... haha

Mark Price said...

I always just friend everybody then cull them out later. Ya I know its dumb but I would hate to offend anyone who might be someone I know but have temporarily forgotten about.

Alicia said...

I'm glad the mystery is solved Kathryn, cause poor Lucy really does look like a sweetheart and my first thought was she was probably a spammer in disguise. Good thing I read your comments and saw that Heather knew who she was!

Full-On-Forward said...

Im sooooo sorry!

I told my MOM how COOL you were and this is the thanks I get!

Hurrump-- turning his back on you..


OMG--Did you hear about the FISHKILL washing up on our Folly Beach!!! Really!!

k-- this is starting to scare me more than LUCY HORKY!!!!! Could she be.....

(Church Lady Voice)......Oh, I don''t know.......
_ _ T A N ???????????????

Alan W. Davidson said...

I'm a cynical guy and wouldn't trust the old dear as far as I could throw her. I say...send her a message asking if the two of you met at the Presidential Ball two years ago.

Unknown said...

OMG Kat you are hilarious! She doesn't look like she can hurt a fly. I like your idea for facebook though. Too many strange people sending friend requests for nothing. Happy new year darling!

Christopher said...

Don't wait too long to make your final decision on whether to add her. I mean, she does look pretty old.

That was mean but I couldn't help it.

Vince said...

You probably flagged on her system first. You know that way FB does that A B and C are friends. She might know A. A might know B and B know C.

Climb2Nowhere said...

You're hilarious! Lucy is so cute. I would be friends with her. We all get those random requests. I guess you should be careful, but I don't think Lucy will cause you any harm! Funny post!

kathryn said...

Kimberly: Well, I don't have any frequent flyer miles either, sweetie. That's why we need the friends that have it all! And yeah, you'd better believe that if I find any friend that meets this criteria, you'll be hearing from me.

Heather: Oh, YAY. You've solved the Lucy-riddle! And in record time, I might add. This is why it pays to sometimes broadcast your social media dilemmas, right? Sometimes, if you're really lucky, you get the answers you seek. Thanks, sweetie! Lucy's IN now.

Tia: How are you, sweets? Good, I hope. I love a happy ending and I can't believe how fast we figured out who Lucy was. Once again, Blogville comes through...

kathryn said...

gayle: Dammit! I didn't even think to do this! If I had, I probably would've realized that we had someone in common. Well, it all worked out in the end, anyway...and it made for a great post, to boot.

Stephanie in Suburbia: I know! I was thinking the same thing. Sometimes I'll feel like taking a walk on the wild side and will disable my firewall...for about ten seconds. That's enough to make me feel like a wild woman.

Lauren: Aw, honey. I wonder what would come up on a background check...of you?? You sound suspiciously concerned about...something....but what? I may have to run that check on you...just to see.

Kristy @Loveandblasphemy said...

The worst is when I have former students and current students ask for the friend request. As a rule, I do not accept it, or I mean, errr...I "ignore" it. Poor kids, but geesh, leave me alone!

Wendy Ramer, Author said...

Oh Kathryn, this is such a no-brainer for me. Life is too short to clog up your friends list with people who truly aren't. And there's my unsolicited feedback (which really was solicited since you put it out there).

Jen said...

I bet she's a fan. Reads the blog and then suddenly thinks she knows you. I just ignore those random requests. I can barely keep up with the people I actually know. I'm all for the questionnaire.

Cathy Olliffe-Webster said...

She has such a cute face. (Yeah, and so did Babyface Nelson.)

Rambles'N'Shambles said...

I took the liberty of doing your questionnaire, so that way, when you reflect back on it. You know it was a real questionnaire that somehow,somewhere evoked true answers and insights to the innermost soul of another.

Real name: Tiffany Cannon
Name three reasons why I’d want to be your friend:
1. I live in Australia, therefore can get you all good with a kangaroo so I dunno, you can ride around in its pouch.
2. I actually do have a substantial amount of chocolate I am unable to eat, and since its coming into summer It has to go or it will melt
3. We can melt the chocolate and make chocolate men. Like in that Cadbury advertisement.

Are you over the age of 21? In 13 days yes. But here in Australia, the legal age is 18. That’s right. 18.
Do you consider “living on the edge” to be surfing online with your anti-virus disabled? No, I consider living on the edge surfing on suspicious sites and downloading and playing every single ad game that comes my way living on the edge.
Do you have bail money? Yes I buried it under a tree by a crumbling rock wall.
If you were a social media application, what would you be? Facebook. Because I are have the friends.

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