Sunday, December 19, 2010

Danielle the Dragon

Tis the season. Tis the month for long lines, blowing through many, many miles in the car and burning through umpteen gallons of gasoline (at $3.21/gallon!) driving here and there and everywhere looking for the gift and the tree and the ATM and the food and the booze and the perfect Secret Santa gift for under $20 and it had better be good, ‘cause no-one in my office can keep a freakin’ secret so Danielle is gonna know it was from me, anyway. And, of course, she did.

Happy. Freakin’. Holidays.

Lucky for me, I happened to be the first to reach into the hat and pick my Secret Santa gift…and I happened to choose the gal whose desk butts up against mine….for there are no secrets when you’re a Dragon and all us creative-genus-types tend to do better when we can let our mojos mingle together and play in the same space.

Minds out of the gutter, people.

Danielle is one of those people who knows everything about everything in our office. We’d hate her if we didn't like her so much. People call her name all day long and she never gets rattled. I honestly don’t understand how she keeps all that information in her head at the same time without having it explode. I’m thinking it’s possible she goes home every night and spontaneously combusts…then she stuffs all the brain matter back in and does it all over again the next day.

Often Sometimes, I’ll have my headphones on and my music up pretty loud, so I can concentrate on the Glee soundtrack my thought-provoking words for my article and I’ll peek at her over my monitor. I can watch her interact with my co-workers and can draw my own conclusions based on everyone’s body language, since I can’t technically hear a thing. I find that I enjoy making up my own dialogue:

Danielle’s typing…eternally typing…and staring intently at her monitor. Her computer is often slower than her thoughts, so she’s often scowling at it…or sometimes, I think I lip-read her say to her computer, “I hate you and I want you to die.” At least, I think that’s what she says. Then boss Ric (Dragon…Ric Dragon) walks over and stands next to her. His lips are moving…but Danielle’s not reacting at all…just keeps staring at the screen and typing away. Then Ric reaches for a piece of the office chocolate (of which Danielle is the keeper) and I see Danielle’s lips move…and I could swear she says, “If you take more than one piece, you will die”…but I can’t be sure. She never stops typing. Ric’s talking again and I’m creating the dialogue in my head:

Ric: “Gee, Danielle. You’re the best Dragon ever. The way you type so fast and know so much and manage to stuff all your brain matter back into your head every night is just awesome. Next to -athryn, you’re the best thing to happen to this place.”

And I scowl…’cause he’s left off the “K” in my name again and I hate when he does that. Then I realize that Ric’s looking at me and he’s still talking and now he’s pointing and now Danielle’s eyes are on me as well, so I rip my headphones off my head and I say, “What?” and Ric says, “What??” and Danielle just rolls her eyes and goes back to typing and glowering at her monitor.

But if you look really hard, there’s a glimmer of a smile playing on her lips ‘cause she knows what I’m doing when I’ve got those headphones on and I’ve mentally left the building for the sandy beaches of Kathrynville.

That’s why I had to ensure I got her a good Secret Santa gift. No-one can stay that calm forever…and I figure it’s just a matter of time before she blows. Maybe…if I’m really lucky, she’ll remember those funky, fashionable fingerless arm warmers I got her for Christmas and she won’t will me to die.

I figure Ric and the computer are on their own.

HulaBuns said...

Hehehehe! We all lose it at some point! You'll have to tell us as soon as it happens. It'll probably be on a day that you are remarkably calm or something.

Arm warmers? Hmmm, I think I need a pair of those. Where can I buy them? lol

Slamdunk said...

Sounds like Danielle is someone that everyone should work to stay on her good side. Sounds like you did your part.

Dorn said...

My team is scattered throughout the state so we all met in a podunk town in the middle for a holiday lunch. We did a White Elephant Gift Exchange. I don't know if Secret Santa would work with us being so detached. Oh and if she's anything like me at're not imagining the "Die Slow Computer Die" chant.

Lauren said...

I think I would like this Danielle. People are forever asking me questions too. If it makes you feel any better, gas where I live is 1.14$ a litre? No?

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Everyone's got a Dianelle in the office. Don't you want to just stick a cream pie in her face?

Full-On-Forward said...

I'd love to be a Fly on that Office wall!


j.m. neeb said...

Off topic (well, you read my blog and know what my attention span is like...): You follow your own blog??

I was scrolling down on the screen and out of the corner of my eye, it looked as though I was your most recently-added follower. I said to myself "Why am I talking to myself?" But then I switched gears on, uh, me and said "There is no way there haven't been any other followers since I started keeping up with the Kardasians... I mean, keeping up with Kathrynville." (Easy to confuse the two.)

So then I went to verify that, in fact, you've gained more followers. (You had. Good job!) But then I noticed a familiar face and was like "She follows her own blog... Genius!"

That's all I got. :)

Climb2Nowhere said...

You almost make me want to work in an office!!! LOL! It sounds like fun! I'm so burnt from Christmas shopping and trying to figure out what to get everyone and wrapping etc. It's nuts! Thanks for the laugh!

Gigi said...

Gas is how much?? Hmmmm, life in New York is *definitely* more expensive!

I know EXACTLY what Danielle is saying to her computer - only because I am saying something along the same lines to mine on a daily basis.

She's gonna love those fingerless arm warmers!

Unknown said...

Wish British petrol was so cheap, we pay $7 a gallon

sage said...

I'm glad my work party is over... and looking forward for some off!

kathryn said...

HulaBuns: Yes, you are correct. We all lose it sooner or's just a matter of time! Yeah, those arm fingerless gloves that run up almost to the elbow. I would be stifling in them...but they're perfect for her.

Slamdunk: Exactly! You have to respect her...'cause she's so knowledgeable...but, oh she keeps from snapping at people is totally beyond me.

Dorn: Ha! I'd never heard of the "White Elephant" gig, till I just googled it. It sounds like a blast! Now I wanna know what you got. And yes...I'm sure I'm not imagining Danielle's desire for her computer to bite the dust. It's not her imagination, either...anyone else who jumps on says there's something wrong with it!

kathryn said...

Lauren: would like her. She's great! So, it was waaaay too much for me to convert liters-to-gallons and then Canadian-to-American currency. So, my co-worker Mark did it for me. Yowsa! I do feel better! You've made our gas look positively cheap!

A Daft Scots Lass: Actually, no! I'd like to stick a cream pie into her computer though. Scrap the whole thing and just start over.

John McElveen: You'd be fine as a fly on our long as you don't buzz around the chocolate. 'Cause then you're gonna die.

kathryn said...

j.m.neeb: Gee. I'm shocked you've become distracted...and are talking to yourself...and felt so little interest in my post that you were scrolling this way and that to check on my followers. You don't follow yourself? How do you know what you've been up to? Don't you like yourself??

Climb2Nowhere: I hear that, sweetie. I can't wait for it to be over...which makes me sad 'cause I know I should be enjoying it! Yikes.

Gigi: And yet... evidently, we're a helluva lot cheaper than Canada. Go figure. And she DOES love the fingerless arm warmers! She texted me over the weekend to tell me they're perfect. Score!

Mark Price said...

Hi Kathryn! This Danielle sounds awesome! Do you think theres any chance I might get some of that office chocolate?

Full-On-Forward said...

LOL_ I KNOW that look!!!


Alicia said...

Fingerless arm warmers? Hmmm, I feel an Iwanna post coming :-D

Just wanted to be sure and wish you a Merry Christmas cause there's just been so much to do that I haven't had a chance to visit my regulars.

All the best and may Santa bring you anything Uwanna!

Kristy @Loveandblasphemy said...

It's so much better when you can have some fun at work, including imagining things about your co-workers!

Jen said...

Great post! I've not had to do a secret santa this year. It can be kind of fun. Hope all your holiday plans are going well. I'm trying to stay sane.

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