Sunday, November 14, 2010

Queen of Everything

Although I’d thought it impossible, the level of insanity has reached a new high here in Kathrynville. Were you worried about me? Aw….that’s so sweet! Although I fear that my friends on Kindle may be more annoyed than concerned, I hope they’ll find it in their hearts to forgive my absence…(Hey, “Two Moms From Alaska"! Your glowing review made. My. Day! Seriously!!)

I digress. But allow me one more moment of sappiness, for it directly relates to the title of this here post. (Takes deep breath) Okay, I’m just gonna say it:

I love you guys. And I’m not just saying that because you come back here time after time and you read about my insanity and you comment the best, wittiest comments and you listen and you understand me and hell, you actually get me and even when you don’t, you still come back for more and you’ve never once called the men in the white coats to come and take me away (ha-ha). Not a mean word is ever exchanged (unless one of you starts yelling at someone who has undoubtedly caused me to rant) and I think you guys are absolutely, positively the best…bar none. And you guys need to understand that even if I get really, really quiet here in Blogville, it doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about you. The day they create mental-telepathy posting, I’m totally on board. I could go on and on…but then you’d never get an actual post out of me. I just want you to know that I appreciate every one of you…and I don’t honestly think I’m Queen of Anything. C.O.O. of Insanity, maybe…

Anyway. Wanna know what I’ve been up to? I hope so, ‘cause that’s kinda all I’ve got. On Thursday, I was invited to attend a cocktail party at Steuben on Madison Avenue for the unveiling of a new designer collection of crystal pieces. I’ll give you a moment to raise one eyebrow…and don’t forget to delicately raise one pinky in the air whilst commenting.

The name of the artist is Ross Bleckner. I took this shot outside Steuben:

…and here’s the piece that greeted you upon entering:

Pardon the shoulder of that guy who’s in my way. And pardon the poor lighting…and WTF is that, anyway?? It’s a huge solid block of tinted crystal with these amazing bubbles formed in it. God knows how they made this…and I figure it must weigh a ton.

Anyway. Yeah…boss (Dragon…Ric Dragon) and his lovely wife (Dragon…Jen Dragon) invited me to tag along and like, how could I say no? I’m not stupid. So, I donned my black to-the-knee cocktail dress and my sparkly new shoes…

(…which will ultimately be the bane of my existence) and I caught the three-something Metro North train, arriving at Grand Central at 4:30. The cocktail hour was at 6. Easy peasy, right?

I send numerous DM’s to Ric, telling him I'm en route…and I receive no reply. Finally I locate his cell# and text him:

Hey. Itd Kathryn. Im textng u cause domt trust u 2 ck dms. Cming 2 GC@4h30. Send limo.”

To which he (finally) replies: “With chilled champagne? Call when you arrive.”

(Notice it’s perfectly spelled. I hate that.)

I text back: “Prfer martini pls. 3 oolives. Debaatgn whether to hoof 1.3 miles.”

Ric: “No-cab over to meet us. Will reimburse. We don’t want a hot and sweaty Athryn.”

Me: “Ha. Ur a riot. 1 of my sprkly shoes keeps slpiing.” (Then I add a smiley face that looks like this):
I’ll tell you something you may not know about me: My left foot is almost a full size larger than my right. I know, I’m a freak. This makes buying shoes a PITA, ‘cause when I get the left to fit, the right is slipping off my heel. Usually I can stick a Dr. Scholl’s thingie in it and I’m golden…but upon exiting the train and walking through Grand Central, I realize I’m shuffing like a 90-year-old man. This will not do. So, I exit at 42nd Street and hit the nearest Duane Reade…shuffling down the escalator to the lower level in search of Dr. Scholl once again.

Now 15 minutes have passed and I’m shuffling uptown and looking for a spot to stop and stick something in my right shoe without being plowed down by the wave of rush-hour people walking by.

Text from Ric: “Where are you? We’re at Dresner’s. 78th and York.”

Me: “Im @ 42 + 3rd. Need cab & a bench!”

Ric: “Raise your hand. Quit walking.”

Me: “FINE. Next block.”

But the next block, there were several people ahead of me…all looking for cabs…so I finally ducked into a portico, slipped something into my shoe, felt it grab and I sprinted towards Lexington Avenue.

Ric: “You’re lost, aren’t you?”

Me: “NO. Wakking updown. Nocabs!”

Many minutes pass.

Ric: “Where are you now?”

Me: “uh. Madison + 59”

I barrel down the final block and practically stumble into Steuben and fling myself into the first chair I see. A startled lady behind the desk gazes at me and I say, “It’s okay. I’m supposed to be here. I’m having a problem with my shoe.” And I point to the shoe, as if that will explain everything. She smiles politely and returns to her computer.

At this point, one of the BigWigs (whom you’ll recall was on that conference call when I was a newbie) glides down the suspended staircase. He’s dressed to the nines and I stand up and smooth my dress and introduce myself and he casually eyes my white plastic Duane Reade bag and says, “Nice bag. You might want to check that.” Then he smiles and says, “C’mon. I’ll give you a private tour.”

Robert took me all around and even let me pick some items up…albeit cautiously…all the while saying, “You’ve got it? Are you sure you’ve got it?” He even let me sign this bowl:

(although this photo is from the website and this isn't the bowl I signed)...but still. I felt uber-special.

Ric and Jen arrived a few minutes later and found me. I’d already been served my first glass of wine. It was a fabulous event! The other highlight of the night came when Ric and I were checking out some of the more expensive pieces. I picked one up and said, “Look, Ric. This piece is six thousand dollars. Do we have insurance? What would happen if I….just….uh!....uh!...” (That’s me, pretending to lose my grip on it.) Ric just smiled and said, “Kathryn. Put. It. Down,” out of the corner of his mouth.

That’ll teach him to open a cellophane-wrapped cookie directly behind me during a conference call, thereby practically throwing me under the bus. Offering me a bite of said cookie did not make us even.

NOW we’re even.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

You. are. a. genius.


The dropping-of-the-bowl, the stuffing random objects in your shoe (which does NOT make you a freak, btw), and the complimenting us all put you up another TWO notches in my book. :)

j.m. neeb said...

Well, I did actually call the men in white coats to come and take you away, but apparently you have to be "family" or a "doctor" or "not some random blogger who leaves the most awesome comments in the world." (Their words, not mine.)

So then those pricks decided to question my own mental state and I became irrationally angry, which seemed appropriate given the situation, and might have threatened the lives of everyone they ever met. As such, I think they will be here in about ten...

Before they get here, though, I should mention that I love the fact that you pretended to drop the expensive crystal piece. That's gutsy, because what if you actually dropped it?

(Then your boss would probably have called the guys in white coats to come for you. I'm guessing he'd have more success with the endeavor than I did, though...)

Unknown said...

My left foot is bigger than my right also! Not a whole size, maybe half, but still. I'm told that most people have a larger right foot. I guess that makes us special, huh? :)

Seriously though ... I am one of the ones that may not always comment, but I definitely always read. I love my visits to Kathrynville. Really.


Climb2Nowhere said...

First off, I love those shoes!!!!! LOVE! Gorgeous! I don't care if they hurt just drink more.

Second of all, we get each other because I have the same foot dilemma! My feet are a size apart. Nightmare!!!! I can never wear shoes like that. Sandals fit the best and I need strappy so I can make one tighter one looser! I love shoes but it's always a problem.

That being said...drink more!

Love the bowl!

Glad you're back!

Lauren said...

If I'd tried that I would have dropped it. I like heels, they're so pretty! But it's hard for me to find walking shoes, forget heels. I need 11-12s. Sometimes a half size. Next to impossible to find. Shoe stores are shoe-sizist (that's like racist but with shoe sizes). That makes it their fault not yours. Cool eh?

Alicia said...

Ooooo on the shoes. Love them! I don't know how you managed to walk that far though! I did miss you and wondered where you had gone. I figured the "dragon" had absconded with you and sure enuf he did. I'm glad you had a super time though, you deserve it!

Any cute men there?

Mark Price said...

Im so happy your Madison Ave. party was a smash...or happy rather that it wasnt a smash. Anyway sounds like a good time. I so wish I could think of something clever to say about your off-sized feet. I will think on it awhile. Glad youre back. Have a great day.

Dorn said...

I missed something...and I promise I don't mean this in a bad way...why did he have you sign a bowl? Was this his own collection or is it for when you become rich and even more famous?

Christopher said...

have you ever been tempted to switch shoes in the box so you're buying two different sizes? i doubt the person at the register would notice... just saying

Gigi said...

Call the men in the white coats (ha-ha)? No, never. Why give them reason to be looking at me? On the other hand, maybe we could share a room?

Love, love, love the shoes! You knew I wouldn't NOT comment on the shoes - didn't you?

ToBlog today said...

Oh, it is all so sex in the city. You walked a long way, too... You're a trooper and deserve Champagne and then some. Glad you enjoyed yourself!

Jen Dragon said...

Howdy Kathryn! Lovely blogpost about the Ross Bleckner opening- the guy is such a rock star ( but so are you for risking permanent crippledom to attend!) You should have been my date the next evening at Steuben for the Casino Night Fundraiser for Urban Glass! It was all Las Vegas in the downstairs gallery with music and dancing girls wearing, get this, GLASS CORSETS! I lost a bunch at roulette and am debating the ethics of putting in for re-imbursement from Dragon Search : )- anyway, I made an album of the fun (plus 2 videos) on
see u in Kingston...Jen Dragon

Cathy Olliffe-Webster said...

Your life is just SO much more interesting than mine. Keep on living it, Athryn, and I'll keep living it vicariously. In great shoes.

Unknown said...

Oooohhh - fabulous shoes! I have foot issues myself and refuse to wear shoes that hurt, so my options are limited. For those shoes - and that party - though, I might make an exception. Free wine, beautiful art to look at, just enough snafus to make for a good story - all in all, sounds like it was a great time!! ;-D

HulaBuns said...

You're a rockstar! What great shoes! I don't even like shoes that much (I know, it's strange for a woman) but I LOVE those shoes. Seems like a great time, you should feel special - we all (speaking of all your followers) think you are!

I hope you finally got that martini! :)

PS We're all freaks in our own ways, you with your foot (which, doesn't make you a freak, in fact I think it's really common) and me with my overall weirdness. ;)

diane rene said...

what a great night!

at least, it sounds like a great night from the lady who lives in cali and doesn't take a train/subway/cab anywhere and only puts on heels when hubby pays me to ;0)

cool bowl, but the big red thing? reminds me of jello. how much did that thing cost?

kathryn said...

Oddyoddyo13: And you. Are. The. BEST! I'm up two whole notches?? SCORE!! I'm so glad you came along for the ride. It was definitely more fun knowing I was going to share it with you!

j.m. neeb: Humpf. I can't believe that being "some random blogger who leaves the most awesome comments in the world" isn't good enough to get someone committed anymore. What is this world coming to? Thank God you lack clout, or I'd be emailing this response from the looney bin! You are too funny but I wasn't too worried about dropping the piece. There's thick, padded carpet everywhere.

Kimberly: Of course we're special, sweetie! I could have told you that. Thank you for the sweet comment...and right back at'cha. I love reading your posts as well.

kathryn said...

Climb2Nowhere: HA! "Just drink more"...that's exactly what I did. YES, sandals are the best! Now we just have to move somewhere where they'll always be in style, no matter what month it is. We need to become snowbirds!

Lauren: Wow. I'm loving the way you've turned my deformity into the shoe store's fault. You've somehow made it sound perfectly reasonable that I should be furious with them for not accommodating me!

Alicia: I'm so glad I was able to capture the sparkle. And I don't know how I walked so far, either. Honestly, my feet were on fire most of the night!

.end transmission. said...

I refuse to post a witty comment until the picture of you holding the signed bowl in the black dress with the shiny slipping shoes is posted. So there. :-P

kathryn said...

Mark Price: Ha. Thank you, sweet man. And, if you don't mind...maybe we could skip the freakish-foot-facts...just this once? I mean, would it absolutely kill ya??

Dorn: No worries! I was so hellbent on wrapping up that unusually long post that I wasn't really clear about the bowl. It's a display piece that you can sign with this diamond-tipped pen that actually etches the crystal. There were many signatures on it already but obviously they weren't letting just anyone sign it. I was one of the lucky ones that got to use the special pen. Cool, right?

Christopher: Oh, you are such a GUY...for us shoe-loving-gals know that they ALWAYS check the shoes to make sure the sizes match! Now I'm thinking it's 'cause many, many ppl probably have the same issue as me. Huh.

kathryn said...

Gigi: HA! Yep...we could definitely share a room...but I'm thinking they'd break us up, so we're not going. I love the shoes, too...but they didn't love ME! (They're Tahari, btw. Marshall's!)

Angelina: Oh, yeah...definitely Sex and the City. I'm so glad you said that 'cause that's what I was thinking. And 19 city blocks and 3 Avenue blocks? Hel-lo? No wonder my feet were killing me!

Jen Dragon: HEY! There she is! I wish I HAD been your date for the Casino Night (Sorry, Ric) sounds like it was a blast. I love your photos and the videos! I'm so glad you posted's the next best thing to being there. I say, put it in for reimbursement. I won't tell the boss. (shhhhh!)

kathryn said...

Cathy Webster (Olliffe): Aw. Stop! You're making me feel even sappier...(I didn't think that was possible) Honey, you can walk in my shoes anytime...

ValleyWriter: Oh, it was a great time. Even if a part of me thought I'd never walk again. It was stupid, stupid, stupid to wear brand-new shoes. What was I thinking?

HulaBuns: No...not strange that you don't like shoes that much. I fall in and out of love with them. (I do believe it's a financial-defense mechanism, though) Hey, we've all got our "weirdness" factor, right?

kathryn said...

diane rene: HA! So, how much does hubby pay you to put on heels? Although, I'm thinking it's probably less than what that red piece would go for! I don't think it was for sale...and considering the fact that it's one of a kind? It's probably just as well that I didn't try to hold it.

.end transmission: Dammit. WHY didn't I get someone to photograph me as I'd tipped and re-tipped and gotten my grimy fingerprints all over said bowl? Opportunity fail!

.end transmission. said...

Well, perhaps your adventure is not over just yet.... Maybe you are supposed to go back for the photo op.

I should mention... Most important... Keep up the great work.

Tinkerschnitzel said...

Freakin hilarious, as always. Do we get to go to these fancy parties more often now? I don't have a pair of shiny shoes, but I'm sure I could find some. I've got a cocktail dress in the back of my closet I can wear that I typically save for weddings and the annual Christmas party at hubby's office. I'm sure it would work for these too. :D

sage said...

I love glass art and appreciate it almost as much as women in heels :) nice shoes.

Adele said...

Hilaaaarious. And I have the same problem with my for shoes is awful. I know what you feel :)

Jen said...

A friend of mine, due to childhood polio, has the left foot sized 5 and the other an 8. She loves elegant shoes and found it too expensive to buy 2 sets (size 5 and size 8) to get a pair that fit. So she put out an ad and found another woman with the same taste in shoes but with the opposite size configuration: left foot 8 and right foot 5! So for 26 years, these two still shoe shop together...

Runnergirl said...

Brilliant. Just brilliant. (and btw. my feet are nearly an entire size apart too!)

kathryn said...

.end transmission: Ha. That sounds like an excellent plan to me! I'm all about the photo op. Maybe they could take one of me handling that bowl...

Courtney: Oh, God. I could've used some T.P. that night! Between the heel-slippage and the eventual foot agony. I'm glad you understand my pain. (But I'm sorry you had to do all that shuffling...)

Tinkerschnitzel: HA! Yeah, I'm sure we'll be attending (at least the occasional) cocktail parties, at least, I hope. This one was fun...I loved being surrounded by all that gorgeous crystal. What's not to love??

kathryn said...

sage: Aw. You always know just the right thing to say. (Highly unusual for a GUY. Well done, sir!!) Next time, I'll take you with me.

Adele: Aw. I'm amazed how much I have in common with many of you. It definitely make me feel less like an outcast. Thank you for that!

Jen: OhMyGod! What an amazing story this is! That is serendipity at it's finest...that she found someone who mirrored her issue. Good for her!

kathryn said...

Runnergirl: Thanks, sweetie. I'm so glad you could come along for the ride...crazy shoe sizes and all. It was a blast!

injaynesworld said...

I'm laughing because I can totally relate to the shoe thing. My mother used to say to me "Beauty must suffer," and how we do. Great-looking heels though. What a fabulous event. I once coveted a Steuben rearing horse. It was $800.

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