Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Proclivity of the Lie

Encarta describes a lie as “to say something that is not true in a conscious effort to deceive somebody”. However if you check white lie, it’s defined as “a lie not intended to harm but told in order to avoid distress or embarrassment”.

Now, I can see some of you looking a bit guilty terrified perplexed by where I might be going with this. Which begs the question, “What did you do? Did you lie to me?? I’d better not find out you did, or I’ll never believe anything you say…ever again. Ever.”

Okay…bear with me here…I’m about to go seriously off-topic. This is too freakin’ hilarious not to share.

Here’s a screenshot of what I’ve just written in Word. (You can click to enlarge if you're like me and practically freakin' blind):

Okay. So it doesn’t like when I say “freakin”. It’s underlined in red. I’ve just added it to my custom dictionary, so it’ll stop bugging me...since we all know I'm not going to stop saying it. It also feels that the word “Ever.” is not a full, grammatically-correct sentence (indicated by that annoying, squiggly green line). I actually don’t freakin’ bite me, Word. But WTF’s wrong with that other sentence?? Huh. Let’s right-click and see what Word has to say:

What's interesting is the fact that this correction was extremely camera-shy, so much so that it wouldn't let me take a capture of, I broke out my actual digital camera. Equally interesting is that if I choose not to change the sentence to start with the word “this”, then I must add an extra question mark…making it two instead of one. I really only wanted one, but okay….done.

But guess what? It’s not happy with that. It’s still underscored in green! So, I right-click again:

Wha--?? Now it wants three question marks? I mean, I'm all about the drama…but really? I don't honestly think this is a three-question-mark moment, Word.

I put in three:

…and so on.

Okay. I know when to wave the white flag.

Now, it’s a whole hour later. What was I talking about?

Oh, right. The lie. People lie for all different reasons:

At work, to save your butt:
Boss: “I need the Kimmelson report.”
Employee: (Blank stare) “The Kimmelson report? What Kimmelson report??”
Boss: (Deadpan) “The one you confirmed via email two weeks ago.”
Employee: “Oh…that Kimmelson report. I’m just putting the finishing touches on it. Give me 15 minutes…”

When you’re a kid, to save your butt:
Angry parent: “Who the hell left the back door wide open?!”
Child: “NOT ME!”

Female friend to female friend, to save their friendship’s butt:
First: “I’m just crazy about Patrick. Do you think he likes me?”
Second: “Oh, definitely. I’m sure that he’s ignoring you because he likes you so much, he’s afraid he’ll self-combust if he so much as looks at you.”

I’m sure you can think of a thousand more….but you get the idea. I don’t think anyone starts off their day saying, “I think I’ll lie my ass off today!” but it happens. I’ve got news for you: Anyone who says they never lie….is lying. If you ask them to do something that they absolutely do not want to do, are they going to say, “Wow. I have no desire to do that. So, no.”

Yikes. Now Word wants me to change the word lie to the word lay. And that's no lie:

When do you think it’s okay to lay lie? Often and with no abandon? Occasionally but carefully? Never?? Tell the truth.

Alan W. Davidson said...

Lie? Only if it keeps me out of trouble. "I never tell a lie"--Bill Cl...Er, George Washington (yes, we up in Canada know who these people are).

Anonymous said...

In all honesty, I think it's NEVER the better choice to lie; but when you do, odds are it's the safer choice at that moment. I mean really, if you're bigger than me and have a bad hair day and WANT me to tell you you look gorgeous, don't get it twisted... I will tell you JUST that... and run away before you can find a mirror.


Gigi said...

I may been known to fabricate a bit once in a while - sometimes it's just necessary. (Why no, Hubby dear - these are't new shoes......)

Climb2Nowhere said...

I don't trust anyone who says they don't lie. Liar! As for me, I lie when I need to. I've lied to get out of stuff and I've lied to give myself time. Nothing to bad, right?

Unknown said...

I truly try not to lie. Really. :)

I just lied to my son the other day. It was a Tooth Fairy lie ... too long to go into here. I might have to write a post about it. Anyway, quick thinking got Mama out of trouble. And appeased the toothless boy.

kathryn said...

Alan W. Davidson: Oh, how very neighbors to the north send us arctic air and you insult our presidents. I'm sure Bill just had a momentary lapse of American-Amnesia. Very common. Surely you've heard of it??

Fierce: Oh, you're a very smart girl! So, it's honesty and then run away. I must make a note of that! I try above all to be kind...and sometimes that means not being totally truthful.

Gigi: Well, shoes are the legal loophole to the truthful-clause. I mean, everybody knows that. Shoes trump lying, cheating and running over hubby's foot on the way to Marshall's.

kathryn said...

Climb2Nowhere: Nope...not bad at all. I think that's about average, if people are truly honest with themselves. (Pun intended) There's that whole theory about ppl who tell the truth to assuage their own guilt. We don't wanna be one of those people, right?

Kimberly: Aw. Mommy-lies are also exempt. I mean, they have to be, or we'd have a whole lotta devastated kiddies on our hands. Blog the story! I wanna hear.

Kristy @Loveandblasphemy said...

I have often thought of that movie Liar with Jim Carrey and shuddered because I would be in some deep shit if I was forced to tell the truth all the time (especially at work)!!!!!!!! (extra exclamation points added for emphasis and Drama)

Jerry said...

Let me get this straight. I can lay with abandon but not lie with abandon?

Squiggly lines are fuddy duddy lines (I note that fuddy and duddy have red squiggly lines here) and I ignore them -- especially when I am told that that are supposed to be 'faddy daddy'.

Christopher said...

I think it's ok to lie for the sake of comedy as long as no one cries.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

*bats eyelashes*

Why would you think we would LIE to you?


injaynesworld said...

It's definitely okay to lie to the IRS and the phone company. And the cable company. Oh, and those rat-bastard credit card companies.

And people who ask how you are when they really don't give a crap. You're really kind of expected to lie in that case.

Wow. I'm on a roll here. ;)

Your Word battle is hysterical.

Full-On-Forward said...

Liar, Liar pants on fire!

Now it wants me to put FRIAR!! Why the hell would I want to burn up a Monk?

Awesome Post! (Not a lay at all!)


Lauren said...

I try not to lie but mostly because I suck at it. People always know... Same with my mom. Our expressions give us away. We seriously need to invest in some quality sunglasses.

Ignore the green lines Kathryn! They know not what you know!

Slamdunk said...

It does make me feel good to ignore the WP's grammar suggestions--or maybe I am just living in my own kingdom and this is one of the few things I can control.

Mark Price said...

yeah, I'm a liar. but not always and almost never about important stuff. Honesty truly is the best policy unless your bosses ask you which one of their wives is the hottest. Thats a definite need to lie situation "They are both attractive women, way to far out of my league to even make a judgement. You are 2 lucky guys! I'll get lunch."

HulaBuns said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAH! This is freakin' hilarious. I suppose I tell a white lie here and there, but try to do that even on rare occasion.

Example - I put Binderclips pajama shorts on Turner (our dog) then remember that without dog hair in them he seems to get a case of the itchies. I promptly take them off Turner to have Binderclips walk in the room. I must've looked guilty because he asked me what I did. I responded with "I put your pajama shorts on Turner, on accident." LOL

sage said...

lot of folks struggle with lie and lay, but I'm sure not as many as those who use a lie to get laid... funny post, Kathryn

Spot said...

Actually, I really do very rarely lie. People who know me will attest to the fact that when asked to do something I really don't want to do I will say "No I don't want to do that, but I will do it anyway." We believe in speaking plain around my house. But I do occasionally tell the white kind so as not to hurt someone's feelings. Those kind = acceptable. The kind that hurt, betray or intentionally mislead = not acceptable and will not be tolerated. And yes, I have cut people out of my life for lying to me. I kept my daughter but well, she was a teenager at the time and at some point they all lie.

Awesomely thought provoking post.

j.m. neeb said...

OMG! I actually had that situation with Word earlier today! (And I am NOT lying.) I was trying to quote something while using a question mark and the Grammar Police kept requesting additional question and single quotation marks.

So I ultimately just told Word to GFY.

(The "G" is "Go" and the "Y" is "Yourself." Can't recall what that middle letter is for, though...) (I'm a liar. I know fully well what the "F" stands for.)

kathryn said...

Kristy: Ha! I think the world would be a terrifying place if everyone told the truth...all the time. I do believe there's a time and a place for lying. And yeah...definitely at work!!!!!

Jerry: Oh, Jerry. What are we gonna do with Word's Fuddy-Duddy-Faddy-Daddy words? Chrome only likes "Daddy". It says the rest are a no-go. I say we tawk any way we want to, dammit. Green & red lines be damned!

Christopher: (Snicker) long as we don't roast anyone, we should be okay? It's a fine line, my friend. Let's put our ties right up to it...

kathryn said...

Oddyoddyo13: Aw. You've lulled me (once again) into a false sense of honesty with your big brown eyes. And (once again) I won't see it coming when you blind-side me with your razor-sharp wit and remarkably mature humor. (I can hear you now. You're saying, "Who? Me??)

injaynesworld: HA! "Rat bastard credit card companies" HA! Wow. You definitely got into the groove! A great laugh for me as well!

John McElveen: Bob? John? Are you an alias?? Have you been lying to me??? Now I'm questioning everything you've ever said!

kathryn said...

Lauren: I like the way you think. Mainly because you think the same way as I do, which as far as I can see is the only way to think. That makes sense, right? I'll send you some Ray Bans. You practice lying in the mirror.

Slamdunk: HA. I'd like to think it's the former...but it's probably the latter. Hey, it's our blog and we can be grammatically incorrect if we want to be! I don't see no stinkin' blog police.

Mark Price: Oh, you are a card. That is by far the BEST answer to the "which boss has the hottest wife" conundrum...which employees are facing every day in this great country of ours. You shall have my vote, Mr. NextPresident. Now, what can you do about visible pantylines?

kathryn said...

HulaBuns: Oh, you are funny! I'm going out on a limb and assuming that Binderclips doesn't fall for this crap (I mean, this lovely sweet little tale of yours!). Doesn't Turner have shorts of his own??

sage: HA! Oh, you are a wicked man with the words yourself, mister. Lots of lying to get laid out there! I wish I'd thought to title my post with that!

Spot: Hey sweets! I shall remember to always tell you the truth and nothing help me Spot. But I'm still gonna tell you that no-one noticed the acorn stuck in your hair at dinner last night...'cause I loves ya too much.

kathryn said...

j.m. neeb: HA! You didn't need to spell out ANY of that to explain it to ME! So, we're living parallel Word-lives. Not surprising. Great minds and all that. Have you seen the latest in Urban Dictionary? "WTAF"??
You know "WTF", right? Well, this is "an expression of surprise or confusion used when WTF is insufficient to convey the magnitude of the situation. The increasingly flippant use and associated devaluation of the query 'WTF?!' has necessitated the creation a more heart-felt derivative. IE:"What the actual f#%& are you doing?"
Gotta love it.

Runnergirl said...

I don't think I lie that much - but I probably do more than I think I do. Although, it's probably not lying, just more professional bulshitting and covering my arse when I don't have a clue what the other person is talking about. Most of the time we all have to think on our feet, and that's when the inadvertent lies slip out.

I think it's okay, as long as it's not hurting anyone or landing someone else in the shit.

Man, my language is awful at the moment - need to use "freakin'" more often...

Workwear said...

Hi,thanks for sharing the information.Really i don't lie and don't prefer liars also but if we lie to save another people then there is nothing to bad in that case.

.end transmission. said...

I'll say that lying is a part of my daily routine. Sure, I like working with ALL of my coworkers. I think my supervisor does an outstanding job of managing his time and ours. I'm very satisfied with my workload, AND my pay rate.

I also hated your blog. :-)

Stop by sometime.

Jan said...

WORD is not the last word. There's a musical quality to grammatical stuff a person reads with interest. Please don't change your style. Lie? Lay? WTF!

Selina Kingston said...

Lying all the time isn't that bad but laying all the time....not so much !!!

ToBlog today said...

I'm a rather terrible liar. When I tell a lie i feel my face turning shades of red, the worst the lie the redder I got. I never knew how my mom knew I was lying.

When my 12 year old son lies, he blushes and one side of his lips turns up ever so slightly. He says, mom how do you know when I'm lying? I respond, I just know.

Full-On-Forward said...

snickering in private......

kathryn said...

Runnergirl: HA! Why do you think you hear "freakin'" so much from me??! I agree that the bullshit at work is a necessary evil. (Not at my work, of course...ahem....) And yeah, if it's not hurting anyone...where's the harm?

Workwear: Very true. Thanks for the comment.

.end transmission: HA! Wonderful comment....and I actually mean that! Isn't everyone satisfied with their pay rate?

kathryn said...

Jan: Hey! HA! Yeah...I know that Word doesn't always know WTF it's talking about. I think sometimes I count on it too much and I forget that it's not the boss of ME!

Selina Kingston: Oh, you're too funny! I guess Word was in a randy mood that night!

Angelina: Oh, God...that's priceless! So, your son's inherited the inability to lie successfully? Well, I suppose there are other professions besides politics...!

John McElveen: I can hear you!!

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