Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I'm Just Not That Into You, Mr. Foo.


So today, I got a text from Taylor. Taylor’s living the life of a college freshman in a dorm. On campus. At college. He almost never calls…so, when I saw his name come up in my phone, I knew there could be only one reason:

  • He misses me terribly and realizes that his day-to-day life is incomplete and meaningless without me and he rues the day (RUES it, I tell ya!) when he made that fateful decision to move away from the only woman who will ever truly love him unconditionally….

Or….

  • He needs money.


Do I really need to give you a moment with this one??

His text said something along the lines of, “I’ve come to realize what a kind, nurturing, loving mother you are and I’m sorry for every single bad thing I’ve ever done, or ever will do.” I’m paraphrasing here…

Okay, what he may have actually said was, “Can you check my Generals account? I think I’m out of cash.”

…which was still unbelievable, ‘cause I just replenished it like, last week with $150! So, I decided to play dumb. You know, to buy more time.

So I text back, “What?”

And he says, “Being hard of hearing has no bearing on your ability to be able to read my text. I need cash, Mom. I’m so hungry.”

Dammit. So much for buying time. And hearing that an 18-year-old-boy is so hungry sets in motion a natural mothering phenomenon known as “The Heartstring Chain of Emotions” that is guaranteed to wear any distracted mother down and will ultimately produce cash for said boy.

I sigh deeply, jump online and deposit some green. Then I decide to check his transaction history, just for the hell of it. I see that on November 2nd, I’d deposited $200. Okay, so it was actually two weeks since the last deposit…which is about right with this time-warp thing here in Kathrynville. But still. Taylor had told me that he’d done a huge grocery shop with the idea that he’d just make it till Thanksgiving break. Where did it all go?

Exhibit A: (This is the actual transaction record. No dramatic license utilized…so help me God. No….seriously. Help me, God.)

November 2nd: Pizza Boys
November 3rd: Pizza Shop (Somehow, this is different from Pizza Boys. Go figure.)
November 4th: Generals Grab & Go Shop
November 5th: Generals Grab & Go Shop
November 5th: Applebee’s
November 6th: Pizza Boys
November 7th: New Foo Chow Restaurant (‘Cause it’s so much better than Old Foo)
November 8th: Pizza Shop
November 8th: New Foo Chow Restaurant
November 9th: Generals Grab & Go Shop
November 9th: Pizza Boys
November 10th: Generals Grab & Go Shop
November 10th: Generals Grab & Go Shop
November 11th: New Foo Chow Restaurant
November 12th: Generals Grab & Go Shop
November 12th: New Foo Chow Restaurant
November 13th: Pizza Boys
November 14th: New Foo Chow Restaurant
November 15th: Generals Snack Bar
November 15th: Pizza Boys
TODAY: ADD VALUE: $100
TODAY: Pizza Shop
TODAY: Pizza Boys (Pending)

And, there you have it. I texted him back and said, “Lighten up on the Foo. I love you.”

I stared at the blinking curser on the screen…waiting patiently for his response.

*Blink, blink.*

I’m not holding my breath.

allison said...

doesn't he know that if you go in with your roommates/other guys on the floor, you can get an entire sheet pizza and only spend maybe $3 a piece, max?

:sigh:

Out of curiosity, is this in addition to a meal plan?

at least he's just charging up pizza and Foo...could be much much worse :)

kathryn said...

Allison: Pizza and Foo Ha! Love that! No meal plan...puh-lease...you would've heard me screaming from there. And you're right. It could be much worse. Thanks for the perspective!

Kristy said...

Buy him a microwave and a case of top ramen.

sage said...

You're a good mom!

Jenny said...

If you were to open a General Foo's Pizza, you would be rich! RICH, I SAY!

.end transmission. said...

Dear Taylor, I would LOVE to send you more money, but I've spent all our spare cash on foolish things like mortgage, car payments and tuition. I'm currently contacting my broker to invest in FOO Enterprises, Inc. Maybe you could sweet talk old man Foo into giving you a job? You seem to like him alot....

You'res Trulee, .endtransmission., raving lunatic. :-) and annoyance.

Mark Price said...

Sheesh whats a guy gotta doo to have him some foo? The boy is starving, starving I say. He probably burns tons of calories studying till all hours of the night...I'd just send the loot. Taylor, youre welcome!

Kimberly said...

Mac-n-cheese and Ramen noodles. That's what I lived on while I was in college. Man, he's got it good! :)

Climb2Nowhere said...

You're a really good parent. I remember having 8 bucks in my pocket and trying to hold onto that for days. He definitely has it good with you!

Lauren said...

Wow! You're a really nice mom. Mine would have had my ass home teaching me to cook. Then again, she didn't even have to do that because I've worked in restaurants since I was sixteen.

Clearly Taylor's only working on the freshman fifteen. It's when he realizes that it's happened that you have to worry. Then you'll be paying for seldom used gym equipment or memberships on top of FOO! -gasp!-

Slamdunk said...

Your the best mom.

I ate well my freshman year, but then realized how expensive everything was going to be if I kept it up. I decided canned pineapples, Sunny D, and cereal would work for a week--then I would sneak home a for a good meal a couple of times per month.

Vince said...

I remember the problem with collective living was that even if you went to the shop and bought 'real' food. Once in the 'fridge it was considered as belonging to all. So, if the kid is anything like me that is something that would drive him up the bloody wall.
But still Chinese takeaway, I'm assuming it's takeaway, that's going a bit Rockefeller.
You really should show him the glory of a block of cheese, two or three tomatoes and a hot Spanish sausage, a loaf and a grill.
And I thought the idea of the dorms was he had a card for his meals.

Christopher said...

Ha! Such a wonderful mother. Mine just sent me a Sam's Club sized thing of ramen packs and told me to get a job.

Gigi said...

Just great. You mean I'm still responsible for feeding him when MC goes to college?????

*sigh*

Courtney said...

I was a reader of yours, under a different name but, I came back.

I think you're such a great mom. When I moved out and asked my mom for money with the reason that I was "SO HUNGRY" she said... "dinner is at 630, be here or keep going hungry" lol Then again, I lived 20 minutes away.

Alicia said...

Just remember Kathryn....someday in your old age (many, many, many years from now) you're going to be hungry and he's going to be college-educated and making a ton of money and you will move in with him and he'll have to take care of you.

That's what I tell my kids, keeps them from asking for outlandish things like Pizza and Foo!

Gingerella said...

Never too young (or old) to learn how to cook....or heat up ramen noodles in the microwave. :) If he has a microwave accessible to him there's all sorts of heat up meals available that don't have to be frozen or refigerated. Tell him it's time to start his freshman diet....cutting back on cash instead of calories. :)

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Haha, I wonder where all those groceries went...?

kathryn said...

Kristy: I'm liking this idea. Bring on the ramen! It's the college way...right? He needs to earn those hunger pangs the way the rest of us did!

sage: Aw. Thank you, kind sir. God knows, the least I can get out of this gig are some good blog posts, right??

Jenny: Oh, you crack me up! Do you really think that General Foo's Pizza sounds appetizing? I don't think I want Foo anywhere near my pizza!

.end transmission. said...

Kathryn, Sometimes being between a rock and a hard place shows you just how strong you can be. This might show YOU what you already know. He's a capable young man who can be successful at whatever he does, if he works at it hard enough. Perhaps HE needs to see that he can do this, with your love and guidance and being his biggest cheerleader. There is a dangerous, fine line between supporting parent and enabler.

I should point out that you should be very proud of yourself for recognizing the importance of this decision, and not just handing over the cash without some further thought. That means you actually care about how your kid turns out, not that he's "no longer your problem." You go girl.

(see, I'm not always a jagoff.)

kathryn said...

.end transmission: HA! Only mortgages, car payments and tuition? Oh, my. Could you imagine if somehow we created enough buzz to tick up shares of FOO Enterprises? Now I have to look it up...

Mark Price: Yessir...Taylor's gonna loooove you. Easy for you to throw my hard-earned green around. Aw, hell. I guess he deserves the big bucks for all that "studying".

Kimberly: I know! He's one lucky boy...but he doesn't appreciate me. Not at all, I tell ya! Maybe I'll feed him mac & cheese for Thanksgiving just to even things out...

kathryn said...

Climb2Nowhere: Don't I know it! I, too, remember walking around with no cash and trying to make it through the week. Wait. That was just last week.

Lauren: Ha! Oh, God...talk about adding insult to injury! FOO, plus a gym membership?? Hey, even I have my limits!

Slamdunk: Aw. I love how you managed to attempt to eat from all the major food groups. That's actually not bad...what you ate. I'm sure Taylor wouldn't agree though. (It's gonna be a loooong year.)

kathryn said...

Vince: Well. I'm loving your Rockefeller reference. And you are correct, sir, in your estimation that Taylor wouldn't want his food eaten. They have 1 common fridge to share between the 4 of them. I agree that he's got to ease up on the Foo...and the pizza...and all of it! Unfortunately, I can't teach him to cook. Maybe you'll have to do it. As for the card? Yeah, it's all a-la-carte. Dorm, separate. Food, separate. UGH.

Christopher: Ha! I'm liking your mom! She's got spunk. Taylor & I will be having a heart-to-heart when he comes home in a week. Wish us both luck.

Gigi: Uh-huh. And you know how much they can eat. It's freakin' scary, right? He thinks he's immune to the Freshman 15. He's a guy. He probably is.

kathryn said...

Courtney: Wow. Thanks for coming back! I wish Taylor was 20 mins away. It's 3 1/2 hours with no traffic. Still, he can't keep this up for much longer. Correction: I can't keep this up for much longer!

Alicia: Oh, I love your logic! Honey, you always know just the right thing to say. I will keep this thought close to my heart and remind myself often that someday...(way, way in the future) he'll take care of old-Kathryn.

Gingerella: This is an excellent comment, sweetie! The killer is that he's bought tons of those types of heatable meals with some cash his dad sent him. I mean, how much can one kid eat? (Don't answer that.)

kathryn said...

Oddyoddyo13: And that is the $100,000.00 question. Answer that and we'll understand the secret of college-aged boys everywhere. (I doubt we'll ever know!)

kathryn said...

.end transmission: Hey, I never said you were a "jagoff"! I agree that this cannot, and will not continue. I'm not raising some pampered, spoiled, teen-aged brat...so help me God. (Seriously.) This is why he and I will be having a serious chat next week. He's perfectly capable of helping to support himself. I mean, we didn't get it all just handed to us, right? And we're JUST FINE! (Said a little too loudly, with a little more emphasis than required...)

colbymarshall said...

College makes you hungry. I agree...get him a microwave, some spaghettios and ramen and he'll be all set. Who knows? He could still visit Foo once a week ;-)

Missed Periods said...

In high school, we could always get my mom to let us forge a note from her to leave during lunch if we said we were hungry.

Jen said...

Ah, what it is to be in college with a gut of steel and no desire to branch beyond the two basic food groups: pizza and Chinese. I miss those days. My stomach doesn't.

Sorry I've been AWOL for so long. It's cold here. It always takes me a while to recover from the first snowfall.

Straight Guy said...

I don't see any transactions for the "Veggeteria." Strange...

Alan W. Davidson said...

He, he, he...what sort of hours is the Bank of Kathryn open anyway? And... I thought only old people hung out at Applebee's?

Runnergirl said...

Maybe you should send him a care package. Of food he actually has to cook. Or maybe he is his mother's son... (sorry!)

HulaBuns said...

Nuts!...would be my suggestion and cheese. But nuts he can keep close so that he doesn't have to worry about others eating them. Nut butters are also good - almond and cashew butter. They're good on crackers too. The protein in them will keep him filled up a bit more. He could also try protein shakes, they're a good way to get the protein he needs and not eat junk.

But kudos to you for being such a good mom! :)

kathryn said...

colbymarshall: Gee. I never thought of it that way. So, it's the education he's getting that's making him hungry. Very interesting! I don't know why this didn't dawn on me. I love your avatar!

Missed Periods:So, you'd leave during lunch...and do...what?? Inquiring minds wanna know. What did you do? And remember: Your mom may be reading this...AND there are impressionable teens hanging on your every word!

Jen: Hey, sweets! No worries...Ha! Loving your reference to the "two basic food groups". Yeah, if we ate that way now, we'd gain 30 pounds, break out and suffer from lactose intolerance. Oh, to be young again...

kathryn said...

Straight Guy: Hey! I thought you were on vacay this week...hanging w/Mrs. Straight-Guy & throwing back the occasional gin & tonic in the middle of the day...I'll assume you're still doing this, as I'm living vicariously through you. And gee...where is that vegetarian hangout??

Alan W. Davidson: Ha! Evidently, the Applebee's near Taylor's college must be the "hip" one. And the Bank of Kathrynville is open your standard 9-5. Although, we have a very limited number of clients....

Runnergirl: YES! Food he actually has to cook. That's the ticket! He has to be one better than his mother! (No offense taken, sweetie! HA!)

kathryn said...

Hulabuns: Aw. Thanks, sweetie. I like your idea of the nuts too...since he is one. (You knew that was coming, right?) Besides: It takes one to know one. (You knew that was coming too, right??)

Angelina said...

When my son was younger (3 years old) he thought we got money from the local food store because I always got change back. I guess he never saw the money I gave before I got the change. LOL!

Looks like your son thinks money comes from texts. Send a text and money materializes in bank account.

Vince said...

A young man went from Ireland to NYC. Discovered that the cash he had did not go as far as he thought. So, and this back in the day of telegrams, sent to his father 'nomon nofun yourson stop'. His father by return sent 'sosad tobad yourdad stop'.

Jerry said...

You are the sweetest, most delectable, insanely wonderful, vivacious, hauntingly beautiful woman I have ever had the pleasure to know. Can you spare some for me?

kathryn said...

Angelina: HA! That's an interesting spin on childhood beliefs! I've heard of the tooth fairy...and Santa...I must've missed the memo for the local grocery store! I wonder if I can collect back-pay??

Vince: HA! Sounds like "yourson" is not gonna be having much fun after all. Very cute. I don't know that much else besides the means of communication have changed...

Jerry: Sigh. (Blush) (Giggle) Sigh again. (Shrugs) Okay, to whom do I make out the check, you sweet talker??

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