Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Good, The Bad, The Miracle

A week ago today, I was staring and cursing…(ever so politely, of course) at the stupid, freakin’ cursor as it mocked me with its happy little blinking on and off. Oh, sure…it looks all strung out and happy when it’s surrounded by all those sweet, creative words…but when it’s center-stage on an empty white page?? Not so much.

Then came the mad rush to fit five days of work into three days…with Wednesday being the hardest day of all because I was still at work and da boys were all at home, where they were undoubtedly missing me terribly, probably rocking back and forth in a futile attempt at self-comfort, whilst intermittently wailing, “Mommmmm. I want my mommmmm.” So, you can imagine my confusion when I arrived home calling out, “Mummy’s home!” in my very best English accent and the response was a muffled, “Hang on. Be right there. I can’t pause or the zombies will get me,” or something to this effect.

Thursday was Turkey Day. Unless it’s not. In our family, we alternate Thanksgiving with Mock-Thanksgiving…which takes place on Friday, to allow for in-laws, etc. to host various members of our clan, as we’re ever-so-popular. Every couple of years, there’s even a wild card second Mock thrown in there…usually hosted by close friends. The upside is that you get to see everyone you love during an extended holiday that seems to go on forever. The downside to this tradition is that you end up eating Thanksgiving dinner several times…and that doesn’t include all that pre and post dinner consumption. And don’t even get me started on the leftovers. The good news is that if you don’t see any sweet potato pie at one place, you’ll probably find it at the next. The bad news is that you eat…and you eat…and you eat. And everyone sends you home with leftovers…’cause everyone knows that Kathryn can’t doesn’t cook.

On Saturday, Connor (13) woke up and announced that he’d lost his cell. After much ado, we realized that it must have fallen out of his pocket whilst he was playing Manhunt… which, to the best of my understanding, is where kids wait till it’s dark and play hide-and-go-seek. But they don’t call it hide-and-go-seek ‘cause they’re too old and too cool for such a childhood classic, so it’s called Manhunt. It involves a lot of running and tumbling and diving into ditches to not get tagged hunted caught, so you can see how his phone could have made a jump for it and flung itself into a pile of leaves or something.

I don’t know why he didn’t come to me as soon as he’d realized it was missing. I am such a kind, understanding, gentle soul and I would have totally understood. We would have laughingly slapped each other on the back and I would have said, “Hey. What are ya gonna do? This sh!t happens, bro! No big whoop!” Although, what I believed I actually may have said was, “WHAT?! ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME?? NOW YOU TELL ME? WTF??

The good news was that he believed he’d lost it at my sister’s place on Friday. The bad news is that my sister lives on two acres of land. “No worries,” I thought. I’ll wait till he goes to the movies with his dad and I’ll slip over to Laura’s and I’ll find that cellphone that’s been lying outside all night, probably face-down, which would explain why when they’d called it 327 times, they couldn’t find it in the dark. Oh, and did I mention he’d put it on vibrate prior to dropping it? The odds were definitely stacked against us…but I’m nothing if not determined. Of course, 15 minutes into looking through flower beds with piles of moldy, soggy fall leaves left me feeling somewhat disenchanted…as I muttered, “Needle in a freakin’ haystack. Oh. My. God. Are you kidding me??”

This is when I decided to turn to divine intervention. (I know you’re supposed to save this for life-threatening dilemmas, like when you’re on a runaway train that’s going 100mph and you’re heading for a brick wall. Seriously, though..who's putting a brick wall on some train tracks anyway?? I was desperate. And then there’s that whole having-to-cancel-the-service-and-replace-the-phone, so it was kinda bordering on being life-threatening, if you ask me.) I looked up to the heavens and asked the most optimistic person I know, my mom, to help me out. I figured from her vantage point, she probably knew exactly where Connor’s phone was and she was just waiting for someone to ask. So I did. I wandered around the now-dormant forsythia and weaved past the fenced-in garden, with absolutely no rhyme or reason to my meandering. I wasn’t even sure if Connor had been on this side of the property…but I put my faith in the power of my mom. I was alternately waving my arms dramatically and wiggling my fingers in a magical kind of psychotic psychic way and was mumbling, “C’mon, Mom. C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon….where’s-the-freakin’-phone-I-won’t-let-this-happen-again-c’mon-you-know-he’s-a-good-kid,”and I’d checked the flower beds and I’d checked around the base of the shed and I was looping around through the huge expanse of grass on the side yard towards the pine trees at the far end of her property when I happened to glance down and what to my wondering eyes should appear?



Yes, folks. It was a dead cellphone in the form of a Thanksgiving miracle. Now, if only I hadn’t eaten so much...I would have been able to bend over to pick it up.

The lessons here are as follows:

  1. Relieve your pockets of your cell prior to playing tag Manhunt.
  2. It might be best to just say no to that second helping of pie....(times three).

So, here’s to happy holidays, happy endings…and lots and lots of sit-ups.

Vince said...

What I don't get is how the heck you can stomach attaching another Turkey a month later.
Also, a tiny question, were the winters back in the US day so darn bad that the needed four days of excuses to get rat-arsed plastered before the first of January. Oct31; Nov25-ish; Dec25; Dec31;. Your liver is just about over one day before it has to put on the elastic sweats yet again.;-)

Mark Price said...

yea you found the phone! Moms know stuff. I'm not a mom but occasionally someone will address me with a phrase that begins with Mother so I probably know stuff too.

Gigi said...

Without a doubt a Thanksgiving miracle! Mom's are pretty good about pulling out a miracle when you need one.

Kimberly said...

I sure hope you mapped out the place where you found the phone so after you are done with your 5 gazillion abdominal crunches and can once again bend over to get it you will be able to find it again. Wow, was that like the longest run-on sentence ever? :)

Glad you had a good Thanksgiving! And don't have to buy Conner a new phone! This time.

:)

Oddyoddyo13 said...

So it WAS lying face down. What are the odds???

Good thing that voodoo ritual thing you were doing worked. (Was it a voodoo ritual thing? I figured since you were waving your arms...)

Alan W. Davidson said...

It sounds like you and your guys had a grand time on the weekend. The kids here have a version of 'manhunt' but it's called spotlight. Manhunt in the dark with flashlight. A guy thing...the bigger the flashlight, the more the cool factor.

And had you been searching for the phone barefoot, you could have picked it up with your toes!

kathryn said...

Vince: Well. First off, not everyone does turkey for Christmas. As a matter of fact, I do believe most of us are turkey'd out by the end of November and we opt for ham...or fish...or lasagna. Anything but turkey. And second, the answer is, "No. We don't need any stinkin' holiday to drink. Any day is a good day to drink...just moreso if there's even the threat of snow on the ground. Any questions??

Mark Price: HA! Yeah, I can see people sometimes referring to you (oh-so-tenderly)with the word "mother" in it. It's interesting how you bring out such emotional responses in us, mister. We may need to have you studied.

Gigi: Yeah...we ROCK, don't you think? Between our perseverance and determination to find things, combined with help from up above, how can we fail? (That's a hypothetical question. If you start listing the ways we can fail, I'm gonna start crying.)

kathryn said...

Kimberly: Ha! Good point...for I know our luck is gonna eventually run out. This is about the third or fourth time he's lost it. And yeah...5 gazillion abdominal crunches sounds just about right!

Oddyoddyo13: Uh-huh. It was lying face-down. After much calculation, I've scientifically determined that the odds are 50-50. And I do believe it was a combination of voodoo and getting in touch with my other-worldly-side to see things from a....higher perspective.

Alan W. Davidson: Oh, if only I could have searched with my toes! It's funny you mention this 'cause I was wearing boots and my heels (yeah, not so practical for a cellphone search) kept sinking into the muddy, soft lawn. Yes, it's that time of year when everything's soggy and cold. I'd have given it 10 more minutes then bailed...it was just. too. cold.

ValleyWriter said...

Wow - I guess you had some divine intervention on your side! I'm amazed you found it so quickly. I see a nerdy (but useful) cell phone holder that clips to a belt in someone's Christmas stocking....

kathryn said...

ValleyWriter: Ha! Yeah, it would serve him right. I think there's a part of him that was hoping I wouldn't find it, so he could upgrade...which is sooo not happening. Thankfully, my mother is on my side. Hope your holiday was excellent, sweetie!

Jerry said...

Your admirable persistence and faith paid off and you are to be commended.

Note: Not one rude comment or joke at your expense. Reading of all the turkey eating sorta' made me sick because I've had too much of the damn stuff myself.

Go with God. And your Mother.

Dorn said...

They should call you when kids go missing! That phone would have been lost for ever had I been searching!

Christopher said...

Wow. That thing looked really hard to find. Nice work super-mom.

Lauren said...

Awesome! I love when that happens! The finding of things... not the losing. When I really, really need divine intervention I call my grandma and ask her to pray for me. For whatever reason things turn out better when she asks for things.

Geeta said...

Your "life" stories always have me cracking up. Glad you found the phone! Mom's always know best :)

Missed Periods said...

My friends and I used to play Manhunt too. It entailed getting all dressed up and going to a bar. But that was before I owned a cell phone.

JP said...

Of course the question begging to be asked here is "Did you actually say W-T-F or did you say it outright?"

I shit you not I met a guy once who I'd originally only talked to online and instead of sighing he actually said the word "sigh". Uh wut???

Slamdunk said...

Wow, I am going to organize a game of Manhunt tonight. I have lost my cell in odd outdoor places as well--when chasing the little ones at the park zippered pockets are a must.

HulaBuns said...

I can't believe you found it! Nice work. I will also need to do a buttload of sit-ups due to my pie eating, however I only had to eat one dinner, thank goodness, otherwise I'd be doing a lot more than a buttload.

PS I think I'll play manhunt with Binderclips tonight...except he won't necessarily know he's playing because I'll hide in a cupboard and jump out and scare him when he finds me unexpectedly. I'll be sure to let you know how it goes. ;)

Tinkerschnitzel said...

You're such a better mom than me, because I would have told him he was SOL and left it at that. I ate nearly an entire pecan pie. I'm not proud of it. I'm still having issues moving, and it's Monday. So sad!

Sawah said...

LOL i couldnt find it :( well, maybe its because u were moree determined xD oh and grandma of course would have laughed at your 'victory dance' after leading you to the phone :D

kathryn said...

Jerry: I KNOW. It just goes to show that I really know how to pick good commenters. Not a rude one in the bunch. (Yeah, yeah. I know I have absolutely no control over what other people say...but I'd like to believe I do. I maintain that I know how to pick 'em. I'm loving your closing line: Go with God. And your Mother Perfection.

Dorn: YES! I would tackle any missing person with at least half the determination I would for that cell! I'm kidding. Although, that was an expensive cell. But it's value was cut in half upon exiting the store....we all know this.

Christopher: Thank you, kind sir. I am an eagle-eye...or have eyes in the back of my head, depending on the occasion and task at hand. Sometimes it can be a curse.

kathryn said...

Lauren: I hear that. I'm thinking my mom and your grandma have the inside line to get things done. I love having people in high places...even if we do call on them for stupid missing cell phones...

Geeta: Ain't it the truth. I'm glad you enjoyed the window into my world. I do believe that Connor still has mixed emotions about being talked about. I'm chalking it up to the age.

Missed Periods: HA! NOW it rings a bell! I knew that game sounded familiar! I do believe I was at the other end of that bar!

kathryn said...

JP: OhmyGod...that is sooo weird. He actually said the word "sigh"? Creepy. I'll be honest with you: I usually say, "What the..." and then I usually mouth the last word because surely that's so much better than actually saying it outright. And I'm all about doing the responsible parental thing. (Okay I heard that snicker, mister.)

Slamdunk: Yes...zippered pockets. Or as ValleyWriter suggested, one of those dorky clip-on thingies. Why do I find myself thinking that you GUYS are just big, overgrown BOYS? Oh, yeah. 'Cause you are.

HulaBuns: Yeah...I wish we could do those sit-ups together...then maybe I could get past Day#1 of doing them. I think I hurt my neck...so I may have to take a break. Okay, so I'll get that ER deductible ready ahead of time for your surprise Binderclips-manhunt!

**I'm sorry, guys. It's a whopping 10:30 and I'm beat. I'll be online during lunch tomorrow to visit anyone I've missed tonight. Don't hate me. I'm feeble, sleep-deprived and running on empty...but I'm loyal and I don't want to rush through my visit to you, 'cause that's just the kind of gal I am.**

Runnergirl said...

That just sometimes happens, doesn't it, and you just realise it may have been a fluke, but that someone was looking out for you!

I want to come to America one day and have a proper Thanksgiving, it's not the same over here - although we did get a turkey dinner at a diner in Camden!

Kristy said...

Wow that's a whole lot of celebrating. You people are maniacs!

John McElveen said...

Call me!

:-)

John

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