Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Testing 1-2-3

Ours is an existence that relies more and more on machines to do our bidding. Let’s explore this, shall we?

  • I wake in the morning on time…thanks to my trusty alarm clock. I automatically hate whatever song is the first to break into my REM sleep.
  • I stumble into the kitchen…where my trusty programmable coffee maker has brewed my java at precisely 6:01am. Not 6 o’clock…which is what I was aiming for and somehow overshot and then was too lazy to circle around another 23 hours and 59 minutes.
  • I dress and apply my makeup whilst boogying to my iPod…enthusiastically belting out the words to Rod Stewart’s Forever Young: “For! Fore-e-e-e-everrrrr Yo-o-o-ounnnng!!!” in addition to about 20 other songs, as it takes me a solid hour to get my butt out the door.
  • I bolt out the door and set my navigation (Nigel) to take me on a route I drive every. single. freakin’. day…but I still set him in case there’s an unexpected asteroid crash on one of my routes and I have to navigate around it.
  • I arrive at work. I work on a computer (duh) with not one…but two 27-inch monitors and I enjoy flinging my windows from left to right and back again for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I also maintain a cutting-edge average of 17 tabs open…in both Google Chrome and Firefox…simply because I can.
  • I remember to turn on my Walgreen’s Travel Humidifier to protect my delicate nasal passages from the harmful effects of the dry winter heat:

Yeah, sure…you think it looks stupid with that water bottle sitting on top of it. I thought so too, when I stood in line at Walgreen’s and absently waved away the cloud of humidified air from the unit they’d skillfully placed near the checkout. Meanwhile, two weeks later I was back on that same line buying one. I don’t give a crap if it looks lame or that my co-worker Danielle and I periodically roll our eyes every time we hear the *glug-glug-glug* it makes as it chug-a-lugs several ounces of water into its chamber…’cause we’ve got the dewy skin and moisturized nasal membranes of the humidified. Who looks stupid now?? (Don't answer that.)

  • When you walk into Ric’s office and he says “Hi”, you can’t be sure he’s actually acknowledging you…and, in fact, he probably isn’t. Between the headphone for Skype, the Bluetooth for his iPhone and the speakerphone from the landline all going, chances are pretty good that the “Hi” was meant for one of the other three people he’s talking to. (Or six, if he’s on a conference call.)
  • On the cusp of my ride home, I turn my cell from vibrate to “SAFE READER: ON”, which ensures a hands-free ride. I’m forever amused if I happen to receive a Project Notification from Guru.com (I’m still a freelance member, even though I have neither the time nor the inclination to freelance…but hey, I paid for a whole year). The female computerized voice states: “GURU DOT COM PROJECT NOTIFICATION! TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE- TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE- TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-TILDE-HELLOKATHRYN! (INHALE! GASP! SPUTTER!) It’s an absolute riot.
  • I then arrive home and check my answering machine for messages I have no intention of returning, if I can help it. It’s the end of the freakin’ day and I’m freakin’ tired. Don’t these people realize I’m at work when they call?

(Yes, I’m aware that’s a lot of messages. In my defense, I do check my caller ID when I get home. I’ve been…busy. Anyone who’s anyone knows to call my cell.)

  • Then I log into my computer and come here, whilst my handy DV-R scans the 327 cable channels for any unseen episodes of American Greed or anything whatsoever featuring Neil Patrick Harris, just because I think he’s adorable.

Then I go to bed.

Gee. I’m starting to understand why I freak out whenever we lose power. It all makes sense now…

Okay. Now you. Does your life mirror mine? C'mon...spill. You know you want to.

Alicia said...

My life is exactly like yours except I hit the snooze button several time. I don't listen to music while I get ready, I listen to Kiyoshi Timono on Channel 3 for news & weather.

I too drink coffee but I stumble around the kitchen with my hair in a towel making it in the morning cause I don't have the energy nor the foresight to prepare the night before.

I get into my car that has no Nigel, just Bob and Tom in the Morning on the radio and head into work...first putting on my bluetooth and setting my phone in the drink container place so I can see if someone calls me.

I then get to work & sit at my desk with my TWO MONITORS (slightly smaller than yours)and strap my headset on and fling windows left and right my own darn self!!!

Periodically I check my phone for texts and respond by text from my computer.

I then go home...again without navigation whilst listening to Ryan Seacrest on the radio. I walk in, get comfy and sit at my computer desk and check email, blog and facebook people.

Then I go to bed and do it all again...just like Kathryn does on the other side of the country!

I would die without all these electronic gadgets and do-hickeys!

Alicia said...

Wow...I struggled so hard to get that all typed up lickety-split so I would be the first commenter and I did it! I'm #1, I'm #1!

injaynesworld said...

That is one helluva lot of activity. I go from my bedroom to the kitchen, then into my office -- all still in jammies -- fire up the computer and presto. I'm at work. And other than pee brakes, this is where I pretty much stay. Your life is far more interesting than mine.

kathryn said...

Alicia: Oh, I'm loving this peek into your mirror-to-mine world. I swear...we're like freakin' twins. Now I'm gonna think of you every time I fling an image from my left screen to my right one. And YES, sweetie...you are absolutely #1 in my book! ROCK ON.

Unknown said...

I don't have quite as many electronic devices as you, but I would be lost without my laptop and the big bloggy world out there. I check Facebook way too many times in one day. And my day is incomplete w/out reading a blog post from Kathryn or a comment on one of my posts. Wow, can I schmooze or what?


Slamdunk said...

Thanks for sharing your day with us--too funny.

I would have laughed at you about your humidifier, but after spending several days at the in-laws in their very old home with um an antiquated heating system to say the least, my hands are dry, cut, and on fire from being inside. In other words, I may sneak one of those humidifiers with me to there house when we have to go for Christmas.

Lauren said...

Well... I don't use an alarm clock if I can help it. I wake up naturally at the same time every day. I don't have a cell phone. I only use my MP3 while walking. All of my class notes are hand written. We don't have an answering machine and there is no DVR. So I'm gonna have to say no, my life is very different from yours in this regard. I do spend a lot of time on the Internet though. Both for school and fun stuff. I'm aware... I might as well be a cavewoman...

Oh, and if you're still trying to smell your hair, I suggest flipping it forward over your head.

Mark Price said...

funny post Kathryn. I suppose I will stop leaving messages at some point. Maybe your machine could say "oh you again, yeah I'm pretty sure Kathryn isn't home ever! so please stop calling" Little does it know i call to talk to it! so there. Have a great day!!

Vince said...

I read first without going into the links. So I thought you were with Amtrak working at the Tac-desk, what with such screen inches and bandwidth.
You know if you were a bloke I would de-fin-ite-ly be thinking, somebody is compensating here.
I live in the Countryside and I've a Hound. So I'm up and at 'em at 5am most mornings.

JP said...

Yeah I'm pretty much like you... except I don't have that many tabs open simply because you know I'm trying to APPEAR like I'm working...

I get up at like 5:30a and start the coffee... sit down at my computer and look to see if I have any emails from anyone I care about (usually no). Make kids breakfast and get dressed and run out the door to make it to work on time.

At work I check what tickets I have to work on. Then I ignore them and play online. Then the boss comes into the room and I make like I'm busy, pack up my notepad and leave to go work on some tickets somewhere in the building. I stay away long enough until I think he's gone back to his office.

I get home and check my email again while Mrs Ryan is on her computer. She gets up and goes into the living room (where she has a laptop) then inevitably yells "JP!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???" Uhh... same thing you were doing 10 seconds ago. Sign off my computer and go sit next to her on the couch and we watch whatever is on the DVR. How did we watch TV before a DVR??? I propose the DVR is the single greatest invention of mankind. Anyway Glee was on last night... God I love Brittany. "Throw a possum at them".

Anyway this continues until bedtime when I check my email one more time then go to bed.

.end transmission. said...

I'm at work when I get there. Some days it's 8am, some days I get there by 9. I usually work 6 days a week, so there's some flexibility built into our schedule, because we work a lot of hours. Well, we're AT work for a lot of hours, that's more accurate. Google Chrome here, I won't do anything without it. I keep my PSP close in case the boss falls asleep at his desk, then I get my game on.

It's nearing the end of my day now, so I should go home and get some painting done at my folks house. Of course, tomorrow is a 12 hour day of.... Surf, coffee, surf, coffee, rinse repeat. Set up some electronics about 4pm, watch some sports, then tear down the electronics. Yawn. Whew. I'm tired just writing about it.

Runnergirl said...

I'm ashamed to admit that other than the coffee maker, ipod and a few other things, yes, that is my life. Except we rarely have phone calls on our machine.

Even when we're home, if the phone rings and it's not 8:00 on Sunday or Thursday (when Hubby's mum calls), we wonder who it could possibly be.

It's usually a marketing call.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Haha, NOT EVEN CLOSE. In fact, you're much more tech-savvy than I am...but, I do spend half of the time I'm not at school. The other half is dedicated to sleep and food. :) (It's not just a teenage guy thing...if I used my phone more like all normal people I'd throw texting in there too.)

Gigi said...

Well, of course my life almost mirrors yours completely. Except I tend to say really, really nasty things to my alarm clock when it goes off every morning. It's a miracle it even tries to wake me up anymore.

kathryn said...

injaynesworld: Interesting? I think not. Ah, I remember walking twenty feet to my home office like it was 8 or 9 weeks ago...which it was. Seriously, it takes tremendous discipline to work from home...don't you think?? I do.

Kimberly: Wow! You'd make a great PR-person. I think you're an excellent schmoozer...and an excellent blogger as well. But, you knew that.

Slamdunk: I'm telling you-it's freakin' great. Totally worth it...I don't care how it looks. I'm prone to nosebleeds in the uber-dry air of winter. Isn't that attractive? I'll take this humidifier to that any day.

kathryn said...

Lauren: HA. My hair is actually long enough to make a seriously long mustache that trails down the front. And I still can't smell anything. Wow. You are technologically-deprived. And yet, somehow you're surviving. I've determined that you must be a very strong girl.

Mark Price:Sonofabitch! I just checked all my stupid messages (I was up to 23) to make sure you weren't serious. You are now credited with getting me to delete 'em. And I was right...there were no surprises. (Although, there were 6 hang ups. Would you know anything about those??)

Vince: 5am? That's awfully early. I don't even think the sun is up that early. And LOL on the over-compensation-thing...remember, my setup was purchased by a GUY.

kathryn said...

JP: Oh, too funny. I've no idea how we survived without the DV-R. I'm completely and utterly spoiled by mine. I love the fact that I can even pause real time. I feel like a superhero. And yes, God love Brittany. I watch GLEE religiously...with this goofy-ass grin on my face. Life doesn't get any better. (JP!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!)

.end transmission: For a second there, I thought you were talking about actual surfing. Then I realized what you'd meant. You're such a GUY, with your PSP by your side. Don't you ever get your groove on with the tunes? Maybe whilst painting, perhaps? I'm loving this little window into everyone's lives...

Runnergirl: I KNOW! I feel the same way. The phone rings and I'm like, "Wha-?? What is this strange ringing noise? WTF do they want?" It feels like such an invasion. I think we've become too tecchie for phones.

Straight Guy said...

I just spent a few days unplugged and offline (mostly -- I have kids, too).

There were a few jitters. But we quickly remembered that you can also get reasonably good information by interacting with humans face-to-face. We found the best restaurants that way, actually.

kathryn said...

Oddyoddyo13: Sweetie, you need your sleep. Hell, *I* need more sleep! And you're in school for, what? 7 hours? That's practically a full workday. And I'll bet you're mentally composing posts during the bus ride. Am I right?

Gigi: HA. I totally hear that. Ironically, I rec'd your comment whilst driving, so the computerized female voice proclaimed that "Gee-gee had left me a message." I would've clapped with glee but I was driving. Have you noticed that as much as we hate our alarm clocks, we're still waking at 6am on the weekends? What the hell??

Straight Guy: You were...what? What is this "offline" of which you speak? Actually, I most recently (over Thanksgiving 4 days off) went 3 days without opening my laptop. But I did turn on my Blackberry every day, so it wasn't a true disconnect. I'm jealous. Your kids actually want to talk to you...

Dreamfarm Girl said...

oooooooooooohhhhh yeahhh. if the satellites and electricity ever go out, heaven help us.

Dreamfarm Girl said...

And did you hear? I'm moving to your territory! I'm gonna be a New Yorker, baby! (I'm in NY right now, hotel room, 31st and Madison.)

Missed Periods said...

Almost but not quite. I use a French press for coffee, but I do heat the water in an electric kettle. I only get one computer at work. And now I want that humidifier so I can have dewy skin.

Nance said...

It takes me a solid hour to get ready whether I am in a life-threatening-emergency hurry or not.

I cannot perform any yard or household task without my iPod (Maddow, On Point, Franzen, Bryson, and, this week, Bart Ehrman); without it, I might notice that the task at hand is being re-performed for the 6,760th time (approximate average)in my life.

I have so routinely cursed my cell phone every time it rings that my daughter crafted a ringtone for me that I cannot curse: my grandson in a 2 year old's rolling peal of delighted giggling--music to my ears.

My laptop has informed me that it is going with me to my next annual physical because it fears, otherwise, that the internist will be missing an entire vital organ system check, thereby possibly endangering my health.

Full-On-Forward said...

My wife has me HUNTING for her Humidifier now- Damnit- why did I bury it on the porch this past Spring!!!

We have exactly the same phone-- well not exactly- or one of us wouldn't have one! I only wished my TIVO would record 6-8 programs at once! I get charged extra for my "TO DO" list on DirecTV LOL

Love ya gal!

You are the Bomb!!

You do KNOW that Neil P is gay right??

John Boy!

PS: Not that it matters to me-- I just saw Starship Troopers on Starz with him in it the other night! I was watching for the SPECIAL EFFECTS- Dnise Richards and another girl that is Beautiful and Nude in the Movie!!!!

Hey--u said spill it!

PS: Ur humidifier looks like my I-PAD! LOL

Jerry said...

My life mirrors your exactly up to the point of the alarm clock and fresh coffee. From there you wander off into cyberland and I wander...well, somewhere.

Christopher said...

You need to like, stop and ask yourself. Are you living for your machines or are they like, you know working for you, man? You need to get off the grid and start a Workers Daily made with real ink and printed on paper made completely from hemp. If we don't go back to the way our ancestors did things we'll never realize that.. Umm... I forget where I was going with this but you should watch Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog, It has doogie in it.

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