Kathryn steps onto the stage. A lone, (and EXTREMELY BRIGHT) spotlight shines down on her particularly-great-looking hair. She winces at the light…then decides it’s a small price to pay for a good hair moment. She smiles.
Kathryn: (Clears her throat delicately) “Greetings, all. I guess you’re wondering why I’ve called you here.”
Jerry: “Aw, crap….this sounds important. What did we forget? Is it her birthday? Did we forget her freakin’ birthday?? Someone get a calendar! Check the date!”
Ellen: “Aw, Jerry. Someone forgot to take their meds this morning. Kathryn's an April baby, remember? Cake, candles…trip to Vegas…something about a restraining order and she and Oprah being banned from the Bellagio, if I remember correctly.”
Oprah: “Hmm? What? It’s not ringing any bells. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Bill: “I hope she’s not thinking of sharing that little, teeny-tiny, practically infinitesimal, hardly-even-worth-mentioning article she may or may not have read about the use of IE falling at a rather alarming rate. Not that it is. 'Cause it's not. Lies….they’re all lies. Chrome and Firefox are just jealous.”
George: “Okay, now I’m definitely bored. Wow, her hair looks really good up there…”
Clinton: “I’m sure she’s announcing the release of my new book, ‘Oh, No She Didn’t: The Top 100 Style Mistakes Women Make and How to Avoid Them’ published by Gallery on October 12th and available at a book store near you….or, you know, online. We know how Kathryn looooves her some Internet.”
Kathryn: “Ahem. No, it is not my birthday. Ellen? You know what they say about Vegas…let it go. We’re not telling you what happened. EVER. Bill? IE sucks….you know it, I know it…everyone in this room knows it. As a basic rule, no-one gets jealous over something that’s painfully slow and crashes a lot. I’m just saying. Georgie? (Smiles) Flattery will get you everywhere. Clinton? Consider your new book pimped. Now, sit down…I’ve done enough for you, already. And, why are your book titles always so long? It’s a good thing they’re freakin’ hilarious, or no-one would ever want to review them. Now, SIT and BE STILL…all of you. I’ve got news!”
A hush falls over the packed stadium. (And you didn’t think I could fill a whole stadium…now, did you?)
I’ll give you a hint:
I know...it's a crappy photo. It’s a keychain. But, it’s not just any keychain. It’s a GOOGLE keychain…and it was given to me by my…………………………………………………(insert dramatic drumroll here)…………………………………
(……………………sound of crickets chirping……………….)
Kathryn: “PEOPLE! I’VE FOUND A FULL-TIME JOB! DOING SOMETHING I LOVE! I’M A WEB CONTENT DEVELOPER FOR…
(Stadium erupts into THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE! The crowd goes WILD! Kathryn pumps fists in the air in jubilation! The crowd begins throwing Bennys...
...((now officially the universal sign for “hello”, “good-bye”, or anything in-between here in Kathrynville)) up onto the stage.)
Slowly, the crowd grows quiet.
Kathryn: “I’d like to thank everyone who told me to hold out for my dream…where I could be happy going to work every day, instead of taking that job as a hippo hygienist’s assistant at The Bronx Zoo, which I really did not want to do. Although I’ll be busier than in the past, I’ll never leave you guys. (Sniffs) Consider each and every one of you cyber-hugged. It’s up to you to explain to any significant others where the errant glitter came from. I’m going to bed now…because tomorrow shall be my 10th day! I'm a working girl now! Wait. that doesn't sound right. Aw, what the hell!” (WOOHOO!)
Thank you….and good night! xo