Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A Thousand Words

Don’t panic, people. I’m not planning a thousand word post…that would be cruel and unusual punishment…and what did you ever do to me?

Let’s start over. A picture is worth a thousand words. Better? Yeah, I thought as much. Boy, you guys are tough.

We’ll start with some sight-seeing. M’kay?


This one sort of speaks for itself….but I’ll have to disagree. Maybe First Baptist Church just needs a faster internet connection. (Yes, I was driving whilst I took this shot. Don't judge me. I did it for you.)


I love it when the obvious is explained…like how they’re open on Sundays!. Gotta love it.


WTF,” you say? This would be yours-truly shopping for apparel for one male offspring. This is what shopping is like in today’s modern age of cells and texts. There I am…in the young men’s department…and I’m trying to balance my 15-lb bag (don’t ask) and two other items that caught my eye and manage to lay the shirt flat on the display table and then stand on my tippy-toes and get far enough away so that the whole shirt will fill the frame on my cell….and I’m already in heels, so trying to eek out more height is making me downright teeter. That’s when I hear the voice of a young guy behind me (who’s sitting on an end cap…probably waiting for his girlfriend to finish shopping) say, “Um. It might be easier to just take a photo of that mannequin next to you. You do realize it’s the same shirt??” I did not. (Smart ass.)

So, I send photo to Connor with text that says, “Conmr doyoUul liKle tissV”. I do not check it for spelling before I hit send because it already took me ten minutes to get the photo to attach to the text. Between you and I, I felt the photo was self-explanatory.

To which he replies, “God, Mom. You suck at texting. I know you can’t yell at me because it would take you forever to type it.” Then, there’s an icon of a smiley face…but it’s not smiling and it’s red and it looks like it's emoticon-head is gonna explode. But Connor doesn’t bother to answer my freakin' question. Does he think I’m just randomly taking photos of men’s shirts and sending them to various people for fun? I mean, seriously....I hardly ever do that.

So I re-send the same photo and text four or five times…(just to annoy)…and then I text, “LiKee tes oor nO

And he sends back, “If you’re asking if I like the shirt, it’s okay. Eh. You sent that text like, 5 times. Lame.” To which I act all surprised ‘cause I don’t want him to realize that I’m fully aware. And yes, he said “Eh”. I did not purchase the shirt and he’s been informed to never text the word “eh” to me again.

Lastly (but oh…so not leastly):


Poor Mike Kaplanowitz’s wife. Did anyone run this photo by the fam after they posed for this impromptu PR shot in their hotel room during that last trip to Vegas? Does the Mrs have any idea there’s a fountain growing out of the top of her head?? And does Mike realize that it kind of looks like he’s got a horn growing out of the side of his head? I would have also photoshopped out the thermostat…it’s not really all that relevant. I’d also like to point out that the alleged “sisters” look nothing alike and are kind of forced together (no arm-around like I’m seeing towards their "parents"). Maybe they’re simply a combined family on a second marriage…or maybe Mike doesn’t really know these people at all. That would explain the fountain-lady not getting a voice in what goes to print.

Mike’s flyer claims, “Mike is working to keep families together and protect our quality of life.”

You go, Mike….but first, could you bet a twenty on Red18 for me? And then, please get your butt back to New York.

Gigi said...

Dying over the t-shirt drama! Not that I've ever done the same.....

Oddyoddyo13 said...

I love the "open on Sundays" thing...though I admit I didn't get it until you explained it. LoL

I was literally HOWLING with laughter over here. I just know I'm going to go downstairs and earn confused stares and the, "what were you laughing at upstairs?" sort of question.

(Don't worry, I can't text either.)

Carol said...

A picture really is worth a thousand words. I've done the same thing with clothes, although Mo is always like, I can't tell how it FITS from a picture Mom!

diane rene said...

I love it all - thank you for working so hard to keep me in giggles :)

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

I love this! We have some weird church signs around here. I'm inspired and will be taking pictures.

Wendy Blum said...

I don't think that's a fountain growing out of the wife's head. I think it's a bun. You know like the wife on the Jetson's has on her head,lol. Soon that hair style will be all the rage. The Half Beehive Up-Do! I think the daughter with dark hair looks like her mom and the other more like her dad. Love the t-shirt! My son would love it as well. During all the teetering on your heels, you wouldn't have seen what brand the shirt was? Cause I'd order one. Never hurts to ask ;)

Kimberly said...

Boy, the things you will put yourself through just to entertain your audience. :) Thanks for the good laugh. I needed one today.

Dreamfarm Girl said...

Your texting is itself worth a thousand words...hilarious. And Mike ought to run the PR by your first if he wants to win!

Slamdunk said...

I agree that ou have some gem photos with the "what were they thinking" topic.

You arr very patient with your sons. This evening, I scolded my little daughter for arguing with me about taking her muddy soccer shoes off in the car--based on your experiences, the parent-child disagreements will become so much more complicated.

Dorn said...

Don't worry Kathryn, my wife is a gawd awful texter too. All it does anyway, is kill the English language. Power to the blogger/writer.

Lauren said...

I still don't get why people go to Church on Sunday. God is resting! It's the seventh day. Why does he want to hear us praying? He probably turns off His phone. Maybe I should ask Google and see if they have an answer. Maybe Google will even be able to tell me how Mike plans on keeping families together. I hope it's not duct tape. That would diminish quality of life for sure.

BlackLOG said...

Get cats they never text "Eh", although be warned they might crap in your flower beds*.....

Scene me looking out on the garden where I spot a bit of bum alignment going on in the flower beds

Me - "Mischief - McG, go next door to do your business....."

* Or worse your tumble dryer**

** I still hope it was one of the bad cats of the neighbourhood….

Me - “No the other next door”

Cats - “Eh!”

Nice neighbour - “Eh!”

Horrible neighbour – “Eh!”

Look what you started Katherine….

Selina Kingston said...

Your relationship with Connor is so funny - I love it !

Vince said...

A few years ago, I was getting on a high horse about txt, then I saw my own longhand. It holds the first two letters and the last two. The middle is very impressionistic.

It was a bloody horrible shirt for a lad btw.

I ha8 the ad's outside churches for generally they are put up by smartarse clerics. And miss the point altogether.
If I owned google I would insist that outside every office there would be a sign saying. 'We don't have answers, but we keep searching.'

Vince said...

Do you think that Horace Vandergelder and Dolly Levi would vote for him.

Boonie S said...

Great stuff, as always.

All the best, Boonie

brite said...

If I said I liked that t, would you send it to me?

Alan W. Davidson said...

Nice shirt story. Connor's becoming such a teenager...


You do realize that we in Canada use 'Eh' at the end of every other sentence? But it's said more interrogatively... Eh?

TC said...

My step daughters name is Jwdwy in my phone.....I understand completely, her name is Judy BTW.

HulaBuns said...

Hahahaha! Maybe Mrs. Kaplowitz (btw, I am saying "clapp-o-witts" in my head when I write or read that even though I know it's not spelled that way) is trying to start a fountain hat trend, perhaps? :D

Christiejolu said...

LOL! The first pic...Google knows nearly everything...

Alicia said...

I love how you see things in a photo that I wouldn't have...and I really love that you point it out. Like the photo of Mike and his family. Too funny!

My kids have been instructed to never text me "k". I mean come on...is it really to hard to say "ok" or "yes", "yeah", "affirmative"?

kathryn said...

Gigi: Noooo....of course you've never done it. I haven't done it either...I...uh...made the whole thing up. Yeah, that's it. I am not a shopping assistant to a 13-year-old boy...

Oddyoddyo13: Ha! You've made my day with this comment, honey....I can just picture you howling with laughter, then saying, "WHAT?!" when everyone's looking at you suspiciously. I LOVE that I was able to make you DO that!

Carol: Well, of course. 'Cause she's a GIRL. You're screwed with my shopping method if it's for a GIRL. Different gender, different planet.

kathryn said...

diane rene: Thank you, sweetie. Your comments make it all worthwhile...and it's so comforting to know that others see things the same way that I do!

Stephanie in Suburbia: Oh, good. Snap away...and then show us! I love how these churches try to inspire us. Makes for great blog fodder!

Wendy Blum: Oh, yeah...'cause a Jetson's bun is so much better than a fountain growing out of her head, right?? HA! "Half-Beehive-Updo"! You are too FUNNY! (PS: I do believe the shirt was Route 66)

kathryn said...

Kimberly: Aw. I'm glad I was able to deliver. I can appreciate needing that good laugh...more than I care to admit!

Dreamfarm Girl: HA! Yeah...and the killer is that I'm texting that way from my BLACKBERRY. If you hold the key down too long, it capitalizes it....that, and the keys are too small for my fat fingers.

Slamdunk: Oh, just you wait. My friend Susan always said, "Little kids, little problems...big kids"...well, you know where I'm going with this. God, she was spot on.

kathryn said...

Dorn: Hey, I figure...we can't be good at everything. Although, I'll admit...I thought having the quirky keyboard would improve my texting. It has not.

Lauren: YES! Please ask Google if God turns off his iPhone on Sundays. This is an excellent question that must be answered! And I wouldn't put anything past 'ole Mike...with that one mini-antler sticking out of his head and all...

BlackLOG: Hey. I have no control over what happens in BlackLOGWorld. You can hold me responsible for a lot of things...but where McG and Mischief choose to...(ahem) do their bizness is not up to me!

Runnergirl said...

I'm always tempted to leave my f'book and twitter posts as they come out without correcting them, but I worry I would offend someone with an inadvertent typo.

At least Connor didn't say "meh".

ValleyWriter said...

I think it's a riot that the church is reminding people they're open Sundays. Because you know - there is probably someone out there who asked that once...

And as for the T-shirt/texting idea - I never thought of that! I don't have kids, but I do have a 30-something husband who hates shopping (same thing as a teenage boy, right?). I'll have to try this out next time I'm shopping for him... if I can figure out the picture/texting thing. (I text so little, I still have one of those phones that has no keyboard, so you have to hit the "2" key 3 times for C, 2 times for B, etc. Wonder if it's even possible to attach photos on that beast...)

John McElveen said...

Knits-1
Pearls- 2

John

Missed Periods said...

"There are some questions that Google can't answer."

That's blasphemy.

Mark Price said...

The girls are cute. Don't judge the fountain headed woman, she is part of a proud race of fountain-heads that settled in this country long before the pilgrims. Ther guy with the one horn may be a minotaur(sp?)(the half man half rhinoceros thing from the time of Odysseus) 15 POUNDS? Are you hauling bricks around in your bag in case of a riot? Shirt? not so much...I too am giving it an "eh".
As usual your post is making me laugh. See you later!

kathryn said...

Selina Kingston: Yeah? He's a character, alright. Me? I'm completely normal. Right??

Vince: Oh! I love that line for Google! You really should share it with them, 'cause they need to hear from those of us that are constantly all over them, don't you think? And I think maybe Dolly Parton might vote for him...does that count?

Boonie S: Thank you, my friend! Always great to hear from you.

kathryn said...

brite: But, you're not a BOY. But, next time I see a cool shirt, I shall text you a photo...on my tippy-toes and everything. Okay?

Alan W. Davidson: So...you say "eh" instead of "huh?" That is acceptable to me. Connor's way is too dismissive...and yeah, in his mind, he's already very much a teenager. I don't care for it much.

TC: HA! Then, you feel my pain. Why do they make the buttons so little? I keep hearing all these great things about the new touch-screens that instinctively know what you want to say. I want the VOICE technology...let it type what I say, I say!

kathryn said...

Hulabuns: HA! I know...so, she's got this fountain-head thing going...plus, I'm sure everyone mispronounces her name. She can't catch a break!

Christiejolu: HA! I totally agree. I'm glad those church folks have a good sense of humor...or maybe they're trying to get us to come in and argue the fact!

Alicia: Well, the "affirmative" one might be pushing it a bit...although my boys are way faster at texting than I'll ever be. Unless it's speech-activated...I'm waiting for THAT.

kathryn said...

runnergirl: Oh, this is so true. Although, TAYLOR has said "meh"....in response to me gushing that I love him in a text. Then he gives me the emoticon of the bored-face. Nice...very nice.

ValleyWriter: I'm SURE you can attach photos with your phone, sweetie! And up until this new one, my last phone was just like yours. I loved having to hit the button like, 4 times for the letter "S". I'll bet your hubby would be much more appreciative of your efforts than my son. At least, I hope so!

John McElveen: Okay. It's going right over my head. I know there's a joke in here somewhere...

kathryn said...

Missed Periods: I totally agree. I knew you would understand. (Were your ears ringing today? I was talking about you. Don't worry...all good!)

Mark Price: Oh. Well, now I just feel bad...making fun of the proud race of fountain-headed-women. Will you help me compose an apology letter? Or maybe we'll send her some nice fall foliage that she can stick in her fountain.

I can totally see Mike being a half-and-half....I mean, who knows what the rest of him looks like.
Mark, you slay me...

sage said...

Don't be too hard on us Presbyterians, eh? Maybe they wanted to be different from the 7th day Presbyterians down the road (but probably not)... The last photo is funny. I didn't even look at the photo--I first looked at the ad and thought, "Ma Barker said the same thing, and so does all the Godfathers (1, 2 & 3)"

Anonymous said...

I went beyond the obvious church on Sunday thing and snickered at the 4th line: Adult Ed... Sleazy me!
I laughed at all of it.

Jen said...

Hilarious! I love how you and your son argue over texting.

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