Sunday, September 26, 2010

Light Fury


See this traffic light? Seems like just your ordinary traffic light, right? Trust me…it’s not.

This traffic light hates me. Seriously. At first, I thought it was an odd coincidence that I couldn’t seem to get through this intersection without sitting at this stupid light.

Then I started getting annoyed that whenever I came upon it, (it’s right smack dab in the middle of my drive to get…well, anywhere)…it’s always red. Every. Single. Freakin’. Time.

Without. Fail.

After a while, though…it started to creep me out. I mean, WTF? Two equally busy crossroads…the timing was…well, off. I mentioned it to friends and family. My sister said she’d never noticed anything unusual…but admitted that every time we (meaning I was in the car with her) came upon this intersection, the light was red. Weirder still, we’d round the corner about a quarter mile from the light-that-hates-me and we’d see it change from red to green…but by the time we got really close, it quickly changed to yellow-then-red.

My sister was like, “WTF?”

And I’d reply with, “I KNOW, RIGHT?!?

Of course from here, it’s only a hop, skip, 2 traffic lights and an imaginary stop sign in Kathrynville to figure out how all of this has come to be…how this ordinary traffic light came to be so vengefully hateful of the likes of me:


I figure long, long ago, these lights were living the life of any ordinary set of sibling-lights.
Big brother Bobby traffic light had the usual responsibility of taking care of his younger traffic light sister, Sissy. (That’s a red tootsie pop in her right hand, in case you couldn’t tell.) Bobby hated having to listen to Sissy go on and on about stupid things like the pretty, shiny cars that whizzed by…and he really hated when she threatened to tattle to Mom if he ever actually threw that baseball at one of those stupid, whizzing cars.


Things only got worse in the winter. Bobby’s and Sissy’s mom always made them wear puffy down coats and stupid knit caps with embroidered snowflakes on ‘em and the other traffic lights always made fun of them…calling them names like “Puffy Snowflake Lights”, or “Momma’s Puffy Snowflake Lights”…(’cause everyone knows that although traffic lights are mean, they’re not exactly adept at name-calling). One day, someone threw some snowballs from the sunroof of their car and one of ‘em hit Sissy square in the yellow flower she’d been holding since 1973 and she whined and whined for weeks! This made Bobby really mad…and I don’t mean angry...if you get my drift.

I figure Bobby somehow mistook my car for the one that threw that snowball (yeah…like I’d ever open my sunroof in the winter. Ha.) and it amused and satisfied him for a while to single me out and make me suffer through the two minute 49 second wait for the stupid, freakin’ light to change.

But I figure it’s just a matter of time before Bobby’s gonna SNAP…and trade that baseball for one of those long, grabby-thingies-they-advertise-on-tv-for-old-people-who-can’t-bend-over-to-reach-things and an industrial-strength pair of scissors:


…and that’s gonna mean the traffic-light-end for little ‘ole sister Sissy….


…but Sissy will survive and move in with Bobby (that’s drool in the corner of his mouth, in case you couldn’t tell)…but not before Bobby hooks up with a smoking-hot redhead from Vegas named Fanny who doesn’t give a rat’s crap about cars and sometimes showers the traffic below with teeny drops of glitter…

Hey, it could happen.

Fierce said...

I'm reading this on my break from studying physics and I gotta say Kathryn... some of the things you say... I mean... pure GENIUS! Wow, you are an inspiration to us all.

:)
xoxo

Kimberly said...

"’cause everyone knows that although traffic lights are mean, they’re not exactly adept at name-calling" ... Crack.me.up!!!! Too stinkin' funny!

sage said...

You're crazy, but I'm sure the lights are picking on you! Too funny. Wait till the lights get a one of those "lazy cop" cameras and start catching photos of your tail (eh, I mean license plates) every time you pass by.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Um...are there some childhood memories of yours we should be aware of..?

LoL

I agree with you though. No light has ever been mad at me, though, so I'm pretty happy...seems they know how to hold a grudge!

Gigi said...

That must be one long red light! But, it has a ring of truth to it, because I know of a couple of traffic lights that seem to have it in for me too.

Alan W. Davidson said...

When I woke up this morning, I honestly didn't think I would be reading a blog post about traffic lights. You have surpassed my expectations, Kathryn, well done.

Perhaps you're a bit scary as well...

kathryn said...

Fierce: I've decided that you study too much. By the same token, I realize, though, how incredibly smart and astute you are...'cause you called me a genius and all, so you know your stuff. Still. You work too hard. I'm just saying...

Kimberly: Ha! Stupid freakin' light...if I didn't have waaaay, too much time to sit at that stupid freakin' light, I couldn't come up with this crap. (I can't decide if this is good or bad.)

sage: Yes, I am crazy...like a fox. If you saw what I saw, you'd agree. Too many times to be a coincidence, my friend. I never run that light (as tempting as it is..it's the principle!), so if they photograph my tail, it'll be 'cause Bobby's a perv.

kathryn said...

Oddyoddyo13: Um. Yes...but not involving traffic lights...that I'm aware. This seems to be a clear-cut case of discrimination...or insanity (on the light's part...not mine!), or the most amazing, incredible bad timing in the history of traffic lights. You decide.

Gigi: YES. It takes forever. I check my email, wipe down my dash with those hand sanitizer wipes and God-knows-what-else...'cause I'm always first to hit it red, which means I wait the longest. LONGEST, I tell ya!

Alan W. Davidson: Sweetie, if you had as much time to contemplate this freakin' light as I have, you'd figure out a way to write about it as well. This is not an ordinary situation...and it requires an extraordinary explanation. That's not scary...that's just common sense. Right??

ValleyWriter said...

Let me guess - to make matters worse, it's one of those lights that turns red and makes you wait even though no one else is coming for MILES, right? I bet it is - damn Bobby & Sissy...

Oh well, at least you've found something do with your waiting time! (That is, making up stories to amuse the rest of us!)

Nance said...

Kathryn, I think you may have demonstrated the Non Plus Ultra of Mental Health, honey! Way to take that sh*t and turn it into shinola!

Helen Ginger said...

That traffic light is definitely out to get you. I agree, it's rather creepy. Your story is not, though. I loved it, even the poor sister's ending.

Jerry said...

Look Princess -- how long have you had these feelings that the world is out to get you?

With treatment you will come to understand the truth of the matter. And when I am able to trust you enough...I'll show you my Red Light Controller.

Lauren said...

LMAO! Oh my goodness! So great! I have a similar problem with a traffic light in town. I feel less angry now that I know what might be going on when I'm not there. You've opened my eyes. Thank you.

Slamdunk said...

With kids asleep, I should not be laughing and making noise. Note to self--read Kathryn's blog in the morning hours only...

Dorn said...

Too funny. There is a series of lights within the same quarter mile that I drive through daily. If I clear one I am guaranteed to miss the second only to be taunted by the third glowing green. It's like a tag team. Let's see how fast we can get the straight jacket on him.

Vince said...

Any time I see American traffic lights I thing of fruit, in a sort of Roald Dahl kind of way. I kinda expect to see Oompa-Loompas. And were it Florida or Southern California I don't suppose I'd be too far out. A bit like our lot in Spain.
http://www.stylebyme.net/2008/05/26/jessica-simpsons-tan/

dailyseeking said...

I will never look at a traffic light the same again!

brite said...

Kathryn...sometimes you leave me speechless...I'm not sure if this is more funny than weird or weirder than funny, but, as always, you make me smile.

Spot said...

I find it odd that I've never wondered about the secret lives of traffic lights...?

Are you taking your medication? Lol!

♥Spot

Tinkerschnitzel said...

You always keep me entertained. If I kick my mom and brother out, can you move in? I promise I'll cook!

KellyGrrl said...

You are tooooo funny! I love it :-)

Kristy said...

Oh, gawd, you crack me up. Freakin traffic lights. They're so stupid.

HulaBuns said...

LOL! I see we have a lot in common with our overactive imaginations and all. I love this post, absolutely hilarious. Boy, did I need that laugh.

PS I really appreciate the detailedness of the winter picture with snow on top of the left turn only sign. :D

HulaBuns said...

PPS I agree that the lights are evil

kathryn said...

ValleyWriter: That's exactly right! I swear that the traffic in the other direction never has to wait. Obviously senile-Bobby likes them.

Nance: Sweetie, this is what happens when Kathryn gets bored. I don't mean the normal bored, where you've got a few seconds to change the radio station...we're talking think up the story and write it down whilst sitting at that stinkin', freakin' light kinda bored. Scary-bored, evidently!

Helen Ginger: Poor Sissy. She did not fare well. I tried to make her look all Bette Davis in Baby Jane...I don't think my artistic vision translates well in "Paint". Connor says I draw like I'm 4.

kathryn said...

Prince Jerry: Somehow, I've always known on some subliminal level that you were behind all of this...a-la Wizard of Oz, if you will. Only now, you've tripped yourself up...proving once and for all that I am not paranoid...and that it's not the whole world that's out to get me...it's ONLY YOU, dammit.

Lauren: You're very welcome, my dear. I feel that all too often, we don't realize the hidden pain and suffering many of these traffic lights have had in their private lives and we therefore have little to no empathy for their plight. Perhaps we can begin collecting for weekly group therapy. Oh, wait. We'd have to go to them. Forget it.

Slamdunk: Aw...but it makes me so HAPPY when you laugh! These kids can sleep through anything anyway...right? "They" say it's important to not tippy-toe around when they're sleeping anyway...

Dorn: Then you feel my pain. It really does feel like they're out to get you, right?? It feels...deliberate...and that makes me crazy!

kathryn said...

Vince: Wow. She is very, very orange. I'm betting she'll never buy that particular brand of indoor tan spray ever again!

dailyseeking: Well, maybe that was my intention all along! Why should I suffer alone? You know how I just looove the company!

brite: Well, I try to bring my toes right up to the line of weird...but not technically cross over. It's a fine line, though!

kathryn said...

Spot: Medication? Dammit! I knew I forgot something for the last few weeks! So that explains why I saw those faces in the lights? Do YOU see faces in the lights, Spot??

Tinkerschnitzel: Well, I wouldn't want your mom and brother to be homeless....so, they can live in the shed in the back. Sure, I'll move in! I think it's a law that I have to notify the fire dept of my change of address, though...

KellyGrrl: Thank you, sweetie. I'm glad you enjoyed the insanity!

kathryn said...

Kristy: I'd just like to know who thinks up the timing on these stupid things. I'm sorry...but there's no rhyme or reason to THIS one. I'm beginning to believe that maybe Jerry is behind this. He and I must have a tawk.

HulaBuns: Oh, thank you SO MUCH for noticing all the little details! Honestly, those photos took me all freakin' day to do! It's nice that my hard work is truly appreciated, sweetie!

Runnergirl said...

There are a lot of times where your train of thought completely mystifies me - but it's always pure GOLD!!!

Have you ever thought about writing children's books?!

Thanks for pulling me a little bit out of post holiday blues!

Smileyfreak said...

Another completely plausible scenario from Kathrynville :) Thanks for sharing :)

Jen said...

Only in your little pocket of reality do these strange things happen. I like the comment about you writing children's books. I think that might be your calling.

Adele said...

Luckily, I've never had this kinda situation, because, well, i'm not old enough to drive. Oh and I live on an island with absolutely NO traffic lights. Excactly. 1 island, 10 000 people, 0 TRAFFIC LIGHTS. But believe me, just ONE LITTLE reason for living in New York rather than here is that your imagination gets waaayy more work...and that means happy readers. You're a genius :)

Alicia said...

Loved this post. I was going to reply in email but then I realized it I did my response to your genius wouldn't be preserved forever like it will be now...here...in this moment, in this time, in blogger.

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