The weekend found Kathrynville in complete chaos. It was controlled chaos, though. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.
I had some personal maintenance to attend to and it didn’t help that some of our regulars from Inside…Out decided to drop by.
I know what you’re thinking: “If only I’d been a fly on the wall…” But wait. You can be:
(Doorbell rings again.)
(Muffled grumbling, followed by jiggling of the doorknob and then the sound of a key turning in the lock)
Kathryn: (Rushing down the hall with hair color in her hair) “Jerry?? What the hell? How did you get in? ALEC!…PUT THAT DOWN. What’s wrong with you??”
Jerry Seinfeld: “I used the key that was under the mat. Who hides a key under the mat anymore? As hiding places go, not very creative. (To Alec) Put that away. You look ridiculous! (To Kathryn) What the hell is that in your hair?”
Alec Baldwin: “I’ve had to pee since 96th Street…but would he STOP? Nooooo…he said we’d be here in ten minutes. TEN FREAKIN' MINUTES…then we were on the BRIDGE and he said there was no place to STOP. I may wind up with SERIOUS bladder complications because of YOU. Every BUMP, I thought I would DIE.”
Jerry: “Oh, quit complaining…we’re HERE already! Go pee. And give Kathryn her late housewarming gift…it was in a box until ‘Mr. Pees-a-lot’ decided to use it as a lethal weapon. I swear, you're like a little old lady.”
Alec: (Shoves bust into Kathryn’s arms) “Love what you’ve done with the place. What the hell’s up with your hair?”
Kathryn: “Oh. Wow….gee, guys….I really…I don’t know what to say. I really wasn’t expecting…”
Kathryn: “Dammit. That’s the timer…I’m cooked. I gotta wash this crap out.”
Jerry: (Heads towards the kitchen) “It’s fine. Got any nachos? Is my leftover Chinese still in here?”
(Doorbell rings again...and again....and again)
Kathryn: “Sonofabitch! Door. Freakin’. Bell!”
Ellen Degeneres: “Hel-looooo? Anybody up for some gypsy folk music? No?? How about some Peter, Paul and Mary? (Sings) To every thing….turn…turn….turn….I am a rock….I am an eyeeeeeee-land!”
Oprah Winfrey: “For the last time, that’s The Byrds, Ellen…and Simon and Garfunkel. That’s two different bands. How many times have we discussed this? I swear...if you don’t put down that tambourine, I’m going to wrap it around your neck. Where’s Kathryn? Do I smell Chinese?”
Ellen: “I didn’t realize Chinese people had a distinct smell. KATHRYN?? ARE YOU HERE?!? (Shakes tambourine wildly) Kathrynnnnnnn?? Hel-loooooo?”
Kathryn: (Running down the hall, hair soaking wet) “I’m RIGHT HERE. Could you STOP YELLING? What’s that sound? Is Alec popping Taylor’s college bubble wrap? ALECCCC!!!”
Jerry: (Watching TV) “We’re making popcorn. What college course requires bubble wrap? Is he going to ‘sound effects’ college? Hey, why do they paint over the license plates on the cars in the commercials? Why do they even need license plates in commercials? Are they worried they’re gonna get pulled over? I mean, they’re already speeding…and those wheelies are probably against some law. I've got to write this down. Do you have a pen?”
Jerry, Alec, Ellen & Oprah: (In unison) “IT’S OPEN!!”
Jane Lynch: “Hey, Kathryn! Why didn’t you tell me you were having a party? I would have brought something...besides this awesome combination head-shot and t-shirt of my Emmy-nominated role on my Emmy-nominated show…”
Kathryn: “It’s not a party. It’s just me…doing a little...maintenance. Or, I was. I didn’t know anybody was com-...(listens)…is that Ellen...in the bathroom…with the tambourine??”
Jane: (Listens) “The acoustics are probably better in there. (Squints at Kathryn) You’ve got some black gunk in your ear there…you may want to have that looked at. Do I smell Chinese?”
(Heard off in the distance) "Mommmmm! The dog threw up on your bed!!"
(Sigh)...and so ends another weekend....