Sunday, August 15, 2010

Down for Maintenance

The weekend found Kathrynville in complete chaos. It was controlled chaos, though. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

I had some personal maintenance to attend to and it didn’t help that some of our regulars from Inside…Out decided to drop by.

I know what you’re thinking: “If only I’d been a fly on the wall…” But wait. You can be:

(Doorbell rings)

Kathryn: “Doorbell!”

Silence.

(Doorbell rings again.)

Kathryn: “DOORBELL!”

Silence.

(Muffled grumbling, followed by jiggling of the doorknob and then the sound of a key turning in the lock)

Kathryn: (Rushing down the hall with hair color in her hair) “Jerry?? What the hell? How did you get in? ALEC!…PUT THAT DOWN. What’s wrong with you??”


Jerry Seinfeld: “I used the key that was under the mat. Who hides a key under the mat anymore? As hiding places go, not very creative. (To Alec) Put that away. You look ridiculous! (To Kathryn) What the hell is that in your hair?”

Alec Baldwin: “I’ve had to pee since 96th Street…but would he STOP? Nooooo…he said we’d be here in ten minutes. TEN FREAKIN' MINUTES…then we were on the BRIDGE and he said there was no place to STOP. I may wind up with SERIOUS bladder complications because of YOU. Every BUMP, I thought I would DIE.”

Jerry: “Oh, quit complaining…we’re HERE already! Go pee. And give Kathryn her late housewarming gift…it was in a box until ‘Mr. Pees-a-lot’ decided to use it as a lethal weapon. I swear, you're like a little old lady.”

Alec: (Shoves bust into Kathryn’s arms) “Love what you’ve done with the place. What the hell’s up with your hair?”

Kathryn: “Oh. Wow….gee, guys….I really…I don’t know what to say. I really wasn’t expecting…”

***DING!***

Kathryn: “Dammit. That’s the timer…I’m cooked. I gotta wash this crap out.”

Jerry: (Heads towards the kitchen) “It’s fine. Got any nachos? Is my leftover Chinese still in here?”

(Doorbell rings)

Silence.

(Doorbell rings again...and again....and again)

Kathryn: “Sonofabitch! Door. Freakin. Bell!

Ellen Degeneres: “Hel-looooo? Anybody up for some gypsy folk music? No?? How about some Peter, Paul and Mary? (Sings) To every thing….turn…turn….turn….I am a rock….I am an eyeeeeeee-land!”


Oprah Winfrey: “For the last time, that’s The Byrds, Ellen…and Simon and Garfunkel. That’s two different bands. How many times have we discussed this? I swear...if you don’t put down that tambourine, I’m going to wrap it around your neck. Where’s Kathryn? Do I smell Chinese?”


Ellen: “I didn’t realize Chinese people had a distinct smell. KATHRYN?? ARE YOU HERE?!? (Shakes tambourine wildly) Kathrynnnnnnn?? Hel-loooooo?

Kathryn: (Running down the hall, hair soaking wet) “I’m RIGHT HERE. Could you STOP YELLING? What’s that sound? Is Alec popping Taylor’s college bubble wrap? ALECCCC!!!

Jerry: (Watching TV) “We’re making popcorn. What college course requires bubble wrap? Is he going to ‘sound effects’ college? Hey, why do they paint over the license plates on the cars in the commercials? Why do they even need license plates in commercials? Are they worried they’re gonna get pulled over? I mean, they’re already speeding…and those wheelies are probably against some law. I've got to write this down. Do you have a pen?”

(Doorbell rings)

Jerry, Alec, Ellen & Oprah: (In unison) IT’S OPEN!!

Jane Lynch: “Hey, Kathryn! Why didn’t you tell me you were having a party? I would have brought something...besides this awesome combination head-shot and t-shirt of my Emmy-nominated role on my Emmy-nominated show…”


Kathryn: “It’s not a party. It’s just me…doing a little...maintenance. Or, I was. I didn’t know anybody was com-...(listens)…is that Ellen...in the bathroom…with the tambourine??”

Jane: (Listens) “The acoustics are probably better in there. (Squints at Kathryn) You’ve got some black gunk in your ear there…you may want to have that looked at. Do I smell Chinese?”

(Heard off in the distance) "Mommmmm! The dog threw up on your bed!!"

(Sigh)...and so ends another weekend....

Carol said...

When you said regulars, I thought your house was where I wound up this weekend. !

diane rene said...

isn't that always the way? you think you have some down time to "up do" the bod and the whole world demands your immediate attention!

at least you weren't in the middle of a bikini wax, that is REALLY awkward ... not that I would know or anything.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Good job Kathryn-you completely distracted me from the original topic of the post until the very end. Bravo. Nobody does it like you. :)

By the way...

Do I smell Chinese?

kathryn said...

Carol: Why? Don't you remember where you were this weekend? Sounds like you're not exactly sure where you were. Maybe you were here? Hmmmmm.....

diane rene: HA! It's totally true. There never seems to be a good time to do the "maintenance"...no time when you're shielded from someone needing something.

Oddyoddyo13: You are too funny, sweetie. I've found this entire weekend to be distracting. And you've got school tomorrow, right? First full week?? Ouch. Hope your school has air conditioning...

Gigi said...

And this is EXACTLY why I don't leave keys under the mat - so no one can get in.

Thanks for the reminder - I've got some maintenance to take care of myself. And yeah, now I want some Chinese....

John McElveen said...

Am I Late? Some a-hole took the key out from under the mat!

John

Hannah said...

Wonderful post as always....though I do have to tell you....it's Alec, not Alex. :)

kathryn said...

Gigi: I know! But it's not always easy finding a good hiding place for that all-important emergency key. I've lost many a key to the "fake rock" debacle.

John McElveen: HA! Nah...you're not late. It's an ongoing party here...grab a drink and find a seat. Do you want Chinese??

Lauren said...

Oh wow... that makes my weekend sound lame. You really should find another place for your spare key. Sucks that two comedians, a talk show host and one comedian/talk show host walked in on you with dye in your hair. I doubt it, but I hope they choose to be merciful.

kathryn said...

Hannah: THANK YOU! I don't know what I was thinking...it probably didn't help that I kept stopping and starting this post. You are a DOLL for telling me and I've corrected my error.

Lauren: Oh, pulease. You'd think I could get through 45 minutes w/o having to answer the door, or the phone. There is never a good time to be seen with goop in your hair.

ClimbtoNowhere said...

It sounds like you had the weekend I had, although yours was much funnier. But from now on, I'd go to a salon.

Boonsong said...

Always amusing! Thanks for this.

All the best, Boonsong

Mark Price said...

I didn't realize how many celebs dropped by your place. Fun. Jane Lynch is right about the black ear-gunk...it is nothing to fool with. Love the laughs!

Missed Periods said...

I was just watching Seinfeld, and the way he and Kramer and Elaine and George would just walk into each other's places without even knocking, I am not surprised about his behavior. But, Oprah...I'm shocked she didn't call first.

Runnergirl said...

Sometimes I never know where your posts are going to end up, but they're always awesome.

I hope your guests cleared up after themselves!

Daily Panic said...

Holy Cow! I had a personal maint. thang going on this weekend too- I brought back the 80's and home PERMED my hair! What in the heck was I thinking??? And yes, it seemed like everyone was drawn by the aroma of the perm that curled my eyelashes just from the fumes! I think my head in perm rods shocked everyone that entered the apartment. But you know what?? I'm thrilled not to put that flat iron to my head and I've missed the curls.
I'm sure you look beautiful today, and I look like I stepped out of a Guns and Roses video circa 1988!

Christiejolu said...

Woman you are FUNNY! Have a nice week!

Lily Johnson said...

Jeez do i envy you!!! Except for the hair dye and the dog incident. You are amazing Kat. This made my day.

Sawah said...

wait.. is that Ellen in the bathroom...with the tambourine?!?!
hahahaa

KellyGrrl said...

I love these posts with your visitors! They crack me up!

Jen said...

If only all my house guests could be that entertaining. Hope you got yourself organized. Received the book today and I'm excited to start reading it. Many thanks again for sending it!

kathryn said...

ClimbtoNowhere: Hey. Anyone can saunter into a salon and order up some gunk. It takes a true artiste to slop on the goop once every three freakin' weeks.

Boonsong: You're welcome! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Mark Price: I'm getting a second opinion on Friday. I'm sure it's just some mold from all this damned humidity.

kathryn said...

Missed Periods: It's so true. Funny how Seinfeld was set in NY...and we were supposed to believe they never locked their doors? I believe Oprah would say that she told Ellen to call...and Ellen was too busy with that stupid tambourine.

Runnergirl: Hey! Cute photo! Love having a face to go with the comment. Yes, I have very neat guests. That's the beauty of them being in my head.

Daily Panic: Hey, I'm thinking Guns & Roses looked pretty HOT in 1988! And curls are excellent...it's the frizz we don't want. I'm sure you look fabulous!

kathryn said...

Christiejolu: Thank you, sweetie! I hope your week is awesome as well...

Lily Johnson: Aw, thanks doll! It's very sweet of you to say. And, it really was a nice weekend, dog vomit and hair-coloring aside!

Sawah: Hey, cutie-pie! We need to get together soon...before you and Connor get super busy with school. Didn't the summer just FLY??

kathryn said...

KellyGrrl: I'm glad. I basically just find the most interesting photos of them online and then I try and make a story out of it. I don't know that it always makes sense...

Jen: Wow! That book wasn't due to be delivered until Friday. I guess sometimes, the United States Postal Service is not snail mail! Glad it arrived safely.

TC said...

Kathryn when you said regulars I thought you all had a party without me?? You did didn't you?
Seriously I was like Carol, was I there.
What color is your hair now? Was it blond?

Pearl said...

I've just removed the extra key from under the door mat.

:-)

Pearl

Wendy Blum said...

Wish I had so much excitement at my place. You're so lucky!
I love these soap opras of yours, Kathryn. You really have a knack for making the lines fit the characters. Maybe you should help out in the acting realm one of these days. Script writing could be write,er,right up you alley. The question is: Is Hollywood ready for the world of Kathryn??

sage said...

Okay, I won't complain about my weekend--but the office move... I'll reserve the right to complain :)

Loredana said...

Why wasn't I invited...wtf?!?!?

Kate said...

Wow...never a dull moment. Kept me laughing!

Tinkerschnitzel said...

See, this is why I don't do personal maintenance anymore. If the phone's not ringing or someone's at the door, then I've got my boys needing something. I can't remember the last time I got to pluck my eyebrows!

kathryn said...

TC: We DID NOT have a party without you! For it wouldn't be a party without you! I just colored the gray (I found my first gray hair at 18yo)...which I have to do every three weeks.

Pearl: HA! Don't you think that sometimes...it's actually better to hide it in the most obvious place...'cause people wouldn't think you'd honestly put it there? No?? Me, neither.

Wendy Blum: Aw...you're so sweet! And you're wonderful for my ego. I can actually hear the players in my head, so it's surprisingly easy to put the words in their mouth. Honey, I'm not entirely sure anyone's totally ready for me. I do believe I'm an acquired taste.

kathryn said...

sage: Oh, yeah...I don't blame you one bit for that. Office moves are the worst. Complain away...I'll listen!

Loredana: Um. Well, technically I didn't know they were coming. I would never have a party without you guys!

Kate: Aw. Thank you! I'm always glad to extend the entertainment to outside of my head!

kathryn said...

Tinkerschnitzel: I know! And then the time totally gets away from you...and you'll think it's only been a week or two and it turns out to be a month, right?

Heather said...

I don't have folks at my door but the phone is never ending. I have to turn the ringer off just to get to watch a movie in peace.

Sorry you didn't get any Kathryn time.

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