Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Stay Inside the Lines


Okay. We all know how reasonable I can be, right? Words like “laid-back…accommodating… and extraordinarily attractive” often come to mind when describing me in random discussions….right?

(sound of crickets chirping.....)

Hello? Is this thing on?

Fine. Whatever. I know you’re still there…’cause I can hear you breathing, which is actually freaking me out a little.

One of my recent forays involved hitting up Lowe’s (the home improvement center, not the movie theatre…just to clarify) for something I’ve put on three separate lists…all of which somehow disappeared into The Twilight Zone of Kathrynville.

I needed to purchase a door stop.

No, this is not code for some never-before-heard-of New York just-invented-yummy cocktail….I needed an actual door stop. Taylor (18) can’t seem to open the door to the main bath without a big ***BAM!!!*** as the door hits the ceramic tile wall. I equate the sound to what I believe one would hear outside the heavily-barred window of your apartment on a typical Saturday night if one lived in a drug-infested, crime-ridden, gang-oriented neighborhood…just to give you a loose example....ya know, for emphasis.

So, I made it to Lowe’s and found the aisle with the door hardware, where I instantly determined that someone was evidently unhappy with the lack of options in door stops: they had screw-in, spring-out, wall-mounted, brass, white and brass with a little bit of white on just the very tip…they had 3” ones and 5” ones and ones that doubled as corkscrews and tire-pressure gauges. (Okay, so maybe I made up that last part…but you get the idea.)

This was practically the whole freakin’ aisle.

All I wanted was a freakin’ door stop.

I looked to the left: no Lowe’s associate. I looked to the right: ditto.

Another customer approached me and inquired if I knew where they sold the telephones.

Telephones? I said, “Um. In the electronics department?” (Note: There is no electronics department in a freakin’ home improvement center. On some level, I’d like to think I knew this…but this whole gang-related door-stop dilemma had me too bewildered and flummoxed to think clearly.)

I wound up with the “Economy Rigid Door Stop” for a nifty 89 cents and got the hell out of there….before someone else could ask me where they sold the dog food.

Alan W. Davidson said...

Sounds like a new career option to me, Kathryn...

Gigi said...

LOL! I used to HATE Lowe's (the home improvement store; not the theatre...) for this very reason (hmm, and Home Depot too....) - but lately, around here anywhere, as soon as you walk in you are accosted by no less than 5 "associates" wanting to help you (I kid you not). And after you leave them nipping at your heels, then every single one you pass (that seem to pop up out of NOWHERE) are asking you if you are finding everything you need. It's kinda freaky after so many years of No Customer Service.

Hope the door stop works for you

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Oh SURE. Don't even mention where they put the cat food.

Fierce said...

For something that essentially has only one function, you'd really think they'd stick to the one classic door-stop: the one that stops the door. Really, businesses need to learn to be more Kathryn-friendly if they wanna make it in the dog-eat-dog business-world.

:)
xoxo

sage said...

I could have made you one with a half of a tennis ball and some duct tape... but that might be too red necky for NYC!

Carol said...

When I remodeled my bathroom the beautifully chipped and bent gold door stop seemed so out of place with all that brown so off to Home Depot I went where within 12 minutes my eyes had glazed over due to the extenstive discussion of the merits of various door stops by the guy in the orange apron. i got a BROWN one to go with my other brown stuff. Then I came home and framed the little gold one in a shadow box and hung it next to the front door to remind myself of the evils of home improvement.

Lynn said...

But why sometimes you go into a place with an idea for exactly what you need, and it doesn't exist. And you think, "This should be a no-brainer." But doorstops? umpteen gabijillion of them. Go figure.

Kimberly said...

My hubby just bought a door stop for my scrapbook room door. It is the kind that attaches to the middle hinge so you don't have to put a hole in your floor. It is pretty cool actually. :) And he only shops at Lowe's (hates Home Depot for some reason). The price on this amazing little bugger? $1.42. I, however, did not realize there were so many options.

Glad you got it sorted. I can't wait to hear the story of how you installed it. :)

Christiejolu said...

LOL! My girls play with the door stops in my house and they make this really loud boing sound through the entire house....

Lauren said...

Oh doorstops... my parents finally installed one after I busted a hole in the wall. I was in a hurry! Things slam when you're in a hurry... Good call on the doorstop.

Runnergirl said...

Ha ha ha ha! Same as any home depot style place - I think they do it deliberately to confuse the inexperienced and frighten them into buying something waaay more expensive than they needed!

Bernadine said...

I hate home improvement stores. My husband goes there way to often.

Strange the people think you work there. Did you look like a sales assistant to them maybe?? :)

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Your technical and home improvement skills know no bounds. It's a good thing you got out of there fast or they might have snagged you as their new resource person.

ValleyWriter said...

I swear - when you need help at those places, there's no one to be found. When you don't need help, twenty people in a row will ask you "Can I help you find something?" On my last visit, after several polite no thank-yous as I searched up and down each aisle knowing exactly what I was looking for and knowing they had no I idea where it was, I decided to tell the truth = "Yes, can you help me find my husband?" :-P

Spot said...

I love Home Improvement stores! I can spend hours walking through them picking out things I'd like to have if I had the money to remodel my house. Really, I do that. I call it "shopping for when I'm rich". That way, once I'm rich, I'll already know what I want, because I'm sure I'll be too busy doing "rich" things to shop at Lowes.

Hilarious post! And I do think of all those things when I think of you!
♥Spot

JD at I Do Things said...

Doorstop, eh? Couldn't you just stick a book between the door and wall? Or maybe shove some dirty laundry back in there?

I'm just sayin'. Anything to avoid a trip to Lowe's.

KellyGrrl said...

Home improvement stores are always crazy... And you can never find anyone when you need them!!

TC said...

I agree about the no customer service. I'll have to go back and check it out but used to I could load enough lumber up for a house (perhaps I exaggerate a tad) without any of the employees doing anything but sprinting away if they did spot me.

Selina Kingston said...

A door stop! Oh my god, that's what I need and for all these years I didn't realise that would solve the problem of the kids banging open the kitchen door. You are a genius Kathyrn my darling girl and I am off to our local hardware shop. I'm going to wear a red t-shirt in the hope that someone asks me where the dog food is !!!

When Pigs Fly said...

I hate Lowes. I can never find anyone to help me and if I do the person never seems to know anything anyway. The place drives me crazy. Whenever I go in there I make it as short and sweet as possible. Otherwise, I will end up decking someone.

Tinkerschnitzel said...

I do the same as Spot! I love those places. We just bought a new PVC door frame so I NEVER have to replace it again. Now I just have to figure out how to get it in. :) Kathryn, want to come down to Texas and help? The temps will be in the 100's.

Heather said...

I hate it when I go into a store knowing what I want and having to stand there and sort through all the options.

I asked this lady where I could find something (at a different store) and she snapped back...I DON"T WORK HERE!! I never did find anyone that did!

Gay Guy said...

You are just barely into your new home and you got out of Loewes for 89 cents?!? For real? Not $89?

John McElveen said...

Kathryn,

You PARKED & WENT IN, for a 98 cent doorstop!

I'm in Love,

LOL

Have a great weekend young Lady!!!

John

DorothyL said...

flummoxed...now there is a word :)

LOL @ the whole door stop thing...I totally know that feeling only too well when I go into our Home Depot...I often wander if I just fit the look of a clerk as I am almost always lost to where anything is or do people just feel the need to ask anyone to maker it easier for them :)

Kristy said...

Hey, I have a hard enough time when they remodel at the freakin grocery store! Took me 10 minutes and 2 other mis-guided customers to find the butta!

Wendy Blum said...

There are a type of door stop or if you'd like, wall protector, that is a thin round cushion that can be placed on the wall behind the door knob to keep the door from slamming into the wall. We have one on our wall behind one of our doors and it works great. Think we found ours in Wal-Mart. Or...You could use some more of your Maxi-Pads and create one of your own Ms. McGyver. Let me know how this works,lol. Or... Maybe some of that foam from the craft aisle?? Looks like construction paper made of foam. You could layer the foam to make it as thick as needed. If your wall "sweats" after a steamy shower you may want to adhere it to the wall with some Liquid Nails or good caulking. I'm no McGyver. Just call me Martha Stewart-In-Training. Best of luck!

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