Monday, June 7, 2010

Lady MacGyver

Yes…I’ve fallen off the edge of the internet-earth again…or so it would appear. If anyone had bothered to look closely however, they would have undoubtedly seen the tips of my fingers frantically digging into the crumbling dirt…right there at the cliff's edge...and they would have heard my exasperated, weary voice saying, “Ow. Crap. Uh-oh. Sh!t. That’s gonna leave a mark…”

And although it may seem as if I’m getting lazy…or being somewhat irresponsible about staying current, this is actually not the case at all. The truth is that I’d been sucker-punched after the already discombobulating upset of a residential move by something called “Sciatica”. All I’m gonna say is I initially chose to deny the pain even existed in favor of packing boxes and completing my move, only to be hit with a pain afterward that made me shriek with surprise and agony and which resulted in a trip to the ER and many, many days of uninterrupted bed rest…and I’ve got the fetching hospital gown and narcotics to prove it:


One might think that being on endless bed rest would make the ideal time to surf the web, completely reorganize all email accounts and stockpile many, many a witty post for future publication. Alas, this could not be further from the reality of it all. Having to lay flat makes typing on a hot, sweaty laptop next to impossible…and trying to focus whilst under the influence is an excellent way to duplicate orders, alienate acquaintances and pretty much guarantee a future including lots of junk/spam emails from sites you categorically don’t recall visiting.

Bottom line is this: I believe I’ve pushed through the worst of it and am officially on the mend. (Picture me knocking on the wooden tray that sits between my lap and my laptop as I type this.)

During my brief forays in the vertical position, I’m attempting to un-do a whole week’s worth of family life in the rest of the house sans me…or my talent for cleaning up after everyone else. Since we’re out of a lot of stuff (and I’ve no inclination to brave driving as of yet) I’ve had to get creative to get things done…not unlike that legendary teevee character from the 1980’s.

MacGyver was famous for creating things out of other things…and getting himself out of many a pickle by, say…creating musical notes with liquid-filled goblets to replicate code sounds to successfully open a keypad-locked door. That’s just the kind of guy he was.


Today, I was washing the ceramic tile floors, using the Swiffer Wet Jet:


…an ingenious device that allows one to start each cleaning session with a brand-spanking-new cleaning pad…


…that is, unless your floors are really dirty and you realize you’re only halfway done and the pad is filthy and you need another one only to discover that you’ve completely and hopelessly run out and then, well…what are ya gonna do? At a cost of $6.69 for 12 pads, with no generic alternative…they’ve got us by the cojones, right?

But I wanted to finish now and I was so freakin’ annoyed that I couldn’t get this one thing done. So, I got to thinking, “Would anything work about the same?”...and....voila!:


Don’t laugh…it worked freakin’ great. And at roughly $6.29 for 36 pads, it’s a bargain.

I can just see the guys reading this….scratching their heads…brows furrowed…till realization dawns…now they’re turning pale and starting to gag. Sorry guys…it’s not like they’re used or anything…geez. (I was tempted to add, "grow a pair" to this last statement but I feel you've already suffered enough. You're welcome.)

C’mon…admit it. I'm brilliant.

Part invalid...part imbalanced, maybe....but freakin' genius...

Tia said...

definitely freakin' genius. :)

Lauren said...

Wow. I have to say, I snorted when I saw the pads. My mom is now questioning me mercilessly regarding the effectiveness of your... experiment? Watch, in a few days she'll give it a try. I'm willing to bet.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Oh. My. God.

I've got to tell Mom about your discovery-she'll flip over having saved so much money!

On another note....You're hurt?! ER hurt?! What the heck Kathryn, you're not supposed to be hurt! Are you TRYING to give me a stroke? And no, I'm not overreacting, and don't say "I'M FINE" because until you're stomping on the gas pedal of your car and singing Tiptoe Through the Tulips (at least I think that's a song) I will NOT believe you're completely healed.

So heal. Now. Please.

Really though, feel better.

And don't make me panic like that again.

ValleyWriter said...

Oh boy - I've known a few people with sciatica - no fun at all. I truly hope you're on the mend - just don't over do it!

I LOVE your ingenious substitution. You're right -that's a hell of a deal!! And the wings are perfect for keeping it in place, I bet - LOL!

Saranne said...

You're my hero! Still have the leftovers from pre-menopause in my cabinet....can't wait to try this! OX

kathryn said...

Tia: Ha! I knew it was genius...! And I couldn't wait to share. Thank Gawd I can see straight to type it out....(yay!)

Lauren: Well, tell Mom it worked exactly the same as the one that was....(ahem)...designed for the unit. My version held on and picked up the dirt on the floor. Who could ask for more? (HA! 2-points for the Dr. Seuss rhyme!)

Oddyoddyo13: Aw, honey...I love you so much right now. Yes, I was hurt...pretty bad...but I honestly believe the worst is behind me. It was uber bad timing is all. I didn't want to drone on and on about it (it actually started hurting May 1st! I bit the bullet on that pain for a long time!) 'cause I was complaining enough about moving. But then it got much worse and...well, here I am. Better. Pinkie-promise.
Thank you so much for caring...

Gigi said...

Oh Kathryn! I knew I loved you from the first moment that I stumbled across this site!

Pure freakin' genius!! (Yeah, and I loved MacGyver too!). Am thinking I may be trying this ingenious idea as well - since I'm surrounded by wood floors that SHOW. EVERY. SINGLE. THING (and drive me crazy....)

Bless your heart! Sciatica totally sucks! Feel better soon (at least you are weaning off the drugs enough to type...that's a good sign, right?)

Viv said...

That is awesome! I rarely use my Swifer because those dang pads are so expensive! ... I rarely use it because... I... can't find it. It.. got stolen. its... broken...A Witch flew away on it? UH! Now I have no excuse! I can't wait to try the MAXI SWiFER! Thanks Kathryn!

Are you ok??!! Get better ASAP!!

kathryn said...

ValleyWriter: Honey, you're soooo right! Those wings only helped. Who would've thought it could serve so well for something so totally different?? Thanks for the well-wishes...I'm resting in between. I'm also hating this...it's making me feel OLD. When I'm fully recovered, I'm determined not to let this happen again!

Saranne: HA! So glad I could share it! Maybe this bed rest has forced more brain cells into action?! Nah...it's probably just desperation! I was just so tickled that it actually worked!

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

I think imbalanced is part of the definition of genius. I think your idea is awesome. And money saving too. Way to go McGuyver!! So glad the sciatica is getting better. I had that while pregnant, but by the sounds of it not half as bad as you had this last bout. It's sooo painful. Be careful!

kathryn said...

Gigi: Ha! Right back at 'cha, sweetie...(on the love thang...not the sciatica!) I was pretty amazed when the pad didn't fall apart, I must say. And thank you for the sweet words on this stupid f*#-ing siatica...I still can't believe how much pain I was in...and yes, I'm weaned down to only about once a day and I rest about every 2 hrs or so. I feel like an old freakin' woman...but not for long!

Viv: Oh, you are too funny! I only use mine 'cause there's no way I'm getting down on the floor to clean it....but those stupid pads were annoying the crap out of me, especially because there's no generic version available. I don't like not having choices! And thank you...I AM much better...still a weird twinge-like feeling in my calf, though. It's a very strange, painful thing and I hope it never happens again!

kathryn said...

Maureen@IslandRoar: Thanks, sweetie. Wow....a lot of ppl have had this stupid thing, huh? It wasn't really so bad until last Wed (6/2)...when I drove for about 5 hours...that was the beginning of the end. Thankfully, it got me serious meds (no more massive ibuprofen), which I'm now weaning off, thankyouverymuch. I think the rest made the biggest difference, though...

Carol said...

Holy way to be inventive! Who needs margaritas when apparently you have enough good drugs that allow you to alleviate all household problems. You go girl, the most inventive thing I've used those for was once to wipe my brother's runny nose.

sage said...

You're creative! Or under the influence of drugs or perhaps both... I hope you've completely covered or are well on the way.

diane rene said...

sciatica ... now THAT is fun. NOT! I'm glad you are feeling better. hubby and I both get it from time to time and we are both miserable when it happens.

I love your swiffer idea though, GENIUS is right!

when you get tired of using the winged wonders as well, just something to think on ... I once loved my swiffer, but then ditched it when I went to target to get more over priced dreaded refills and found them to be OUT OF STOCK. the other end of the aisle held an omop which used washable microfiber cloths to do all the dirty work. the swiffer found it's way to the curb and I even found washable replacements for the other overpriced swiffer product ... the duster refills. the plus PLUS side? I justified the need for yet another mop by telling hubby how environmentally friendly this is :)

WIN WIN

feel better, soon - or at least enjoy the drugs while you're not ;)

injaynesworld said...

You just got out of the hospital and you're cleaning floors? What the hell kind of drugs did they give you?

That's why God created guilt. So you could get other people to do those things. Milk it, girlfriend.

Bernadine said...

Ok... interesting replacement you got there. I wondered what the pads was doing in this post when I opened it. You made me laugh again. :)

You should enjoy your day, Kathryn. :)

John McElveen said...

OMG--I just peed myself--I need that friggin Pad!

The Sciatica is no joke and I'm truly sorry you had to deal with it!

The MacGiver-Pads are total total genius! We have one of those in the box--ohhh that sounds bad doesn't it!--and I'm gonna tell my wife about the pads!


John

brite said...

Mmmmmm narcotics....and a sexy nightie...woohoo! Hope you're back to 'normal' soon! And I love the ingenuity!

Lynn said...

HA! The most inventive use they've had at our house was as fridge decor. When company arrived. Seriously--they were not greeted with as much admiration as your use! Which is, of course, brilliant!

So sorry you've been hurting. PUHLEASE get completely better soon. You've had enough on your place over the last couple months. It's time for you to have a break already.

kathryn said...

Carol: OMG! Is your brother still in therapy over that one??? That is freakin' hilarious!! Did you see the post where I used a tampon to protect me from a bra underwire-gone-mad?? I'm telling you, Sweets....there's a whole untapped usage for these babies!

sage: HA! I'm sure it was a little bit of both...but we're going with pure genius for the biography, 'kay? I'm still feeling it (this am it's in my ankle...does this mean it's leaving??). I'm getting there.

diane rene: Oh, that's fabulous! GREAT to know...don't 'cha love it when we have choices?? And anything that can be washed and reused is definitely a win/win. Thanks for passing on this great info!

When Pigs Fly said...

That is brilliant. I too have run out of those damn Swiffer pads and have wanted to scream. Now I know what to do. Thanks, lady MacGyver!

kathryn said...

injaynesworld: HA! You are too funny, girl. Yeah well...you know how it goes: You get the icepack out of the freezer and notice an ant on the floor by the fridge. You wonder if one of da boys spilled watermelon juice there and it kinda snowballs from there. (It's the good kind of meds-the kind that make you loopy and prevent you from driving...I'm forcing myself to wean off, although I can't remember why anymore...)

Bernadine: Ha! I'm glad I could make you laugh...yeah, I figured most ppl wouldn't be expecting my end result but it really does work!
Hope your Tuesday is terrific!

John McElveen: Ha! That's just the reaction I had...I laughed so hard, I peed! I think I surprised myself-but desperation will do that to a gal! Yeah, this sciatica bites...it feels like it's getting better...but I thought that before, so I'm taking it slow.

kathryn said...

brite: Well, the narcotics and the nightie would be sex-ay....even the moaning could be interpreted as a turn-on...but those ice packs, the limping and the cursing every time I drop something? Not so much...

Lynn: Aw, honey...my sentiments exactly. Thank you...but seriously? The fridge?? Did I miss this photo? 'Cause I'm guessing it didn't make it into the family album. Your kids are hilarious!

WhenPigsFly: I'm glad to have helped, Sweets. There's nothing more frustrating than running out of those stupid, expensive things. I mean, seriously....a special trip to the store for Swiffer pads?? Give me a break.

Kimberly said...

Genius. Simply genius.

Love it!

Glad to hear you are on the mend. Take it easy (if possible)!

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, my god, that is pure awesome.

MacGyver would be proud.

At first I saw both photos and thought you were going to tell us you had to use a Swiffer pad as . . . the other kind of pad. Either way: brilliant.

I'm so sorry you've been in such pain. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better.

But . . . they let you keep a hospital gown???

kathryn said...

Kimberly: Thank you, Sweetie. Yes, I am trying to take it slow. I want to move, move, move but now, I'm wary....so I've slowed way down...whether I like it or not!

JD at I Do Things: Okay...how weird is it that the idea of reversing the usage of the pads grosses me out?? Weird, I know...Honestly, they didn't so much let me keep the gown as I left with it on. They'd set me up in a wheelchair our front...all by myself with a turkey sandwich and those stupid slipper-socks...to wait for my ride home. I had the gown over my cami, as I was still in my pj's. Want me to send it to you? I've washed it and everything. Of course, you know how fetching they look.

Julia's Mom said...

That's hilarious!

My memory of MacGyver is him using a tampon and a pencil to make a bomb so you are clearly related to him.

KellyGrrl said...

Absolutely freaking genius!! Sorry about your back! That's definitely no fun... Hope you feel better soon!

Alan W. Davidson said...

No comment.

Besides, I'm a guy and we would have left the floor dirty and not started the project in the first place!

~:C:~ said...

OMG

Kat, that's insane, and by insane, I mean friggin' genius!

If I didn't have a maid, I would SO try that.

Hope your nerve stops acting up soon - I know how gutting the pain can be.

kathryn said...

Julia's Mom: Ha! MacGyver actually touched a tampon?! Hilarious! Hey...it's about time we got our money's worth out of those stinkin' pads, right?

KellyGrrl: Thanks, Sweetie. Hey...sometimes it's those little things that can just make your day! I'm being a good girl and resting as I type this. Pain's much better today (she winced and suddenly felt a hundred years old...).

Alan W. Davidson: Oh, c'mon. Don't be such a guy, guy. Besides...it was your gender I was cleaning up...after...-eth. (Brain freeze...if sentence won't end properly...when in doubt, add an -eth, I say.) I knew it would gross you guys out but I still think it's brilliant.

kathryn said...

~:C:~ Aw....so, maids run out of Swiffer pads just like us regular folks, right? (Snickers) The funniest part is that I'm afraid to tell da boys how I cleaned the floor. At their ages (18 & 13), I'm afraid they'll get all weird on me. I mean...it wouldn't bother you if someone told you they'd cleaned the floor with a sanitary napkin, would it? As for the pain...thanks for the sweet wishes for me to lose it. All I can say is, "Thank God for hospitals and narcotics." Amen.

Chrissy said...

MacGyer would be proud! Hey, warning, though, Swiffer Wet Jet isn't good for dogs. :-(

Fierce said...

Glad you had the evidence, I was just gonna put you on the stand and ask you for evidence while his honour, Clinton Kelly, oversaw the proceedings.

I just adore your imagination, I NEVER would have thought of using pads to clean the floor. Poor guys, you probably traumatized a few with this one; I wonder, is that a first for you?

:)
xoxo

Krista said...

LOL... freakin' genius indeed! I'm glad you're back and hope you get to feeling many better very soon!

lifelove'n'wine said...

Haha, oh Kathryn that is amazing! You are my idol.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're hurt! I hope the healing process speeds up for you!

Moxie Girl said...

You are a genius no matter what the circumstance! Brilliant! Happy healing! Good to see you back on the blog scene. Be well.

kathryn said...

Chrissy: What? Why?! Can't I just calmly request that Metro not lick said floor? Is this warning on the freakin' box? Oh, c'mon....something has to be easy, right??

Fierce: Oh, yes. (Ahem) It's the very first time ever that I've traumatized any of the male gender...as a matter of fact, I was recently honored with a trophy for being such a non-traumatizing individual in the eyes of the male gender. So, I guess I was due...

SMOOG: Thank you, sweetie! I'm glad to see you too. I'm (literally) limping towards a full recovery...and feel like I'm a hundred years old, which will. not. do.

kathryn said...

lifelove'n'wine: Thanks, sweets. I'm getting there...it's baby steps...I'm just horribly impatient. It's the inner 2-year-old in me, I guess. The same child who pulls out Maxi pads for her Swiffer, I guess...!

Moxie Girl: Aw...thanks doll! What a lovely comment. It's so great to be back, believe me....and I 'specially love the fact that I'm making progress on catching up. Nice to feel productive online again. Hope all is well on your end too!

Wendy Blum said...

Oh dear Jesus, I am in LOVE with you Kathryn!! You are so hysterical! But that's a very ingenious idea. I can relate to the whole beginning with one Swiffer pad only to find out that my floor had more stuff on it than the pavement outdoors, thanks to the endless stream of boy traffic through our home, then finding I had used the last Swiffer pad. It's very discouraging! Especially after I have worked 8 hours in non-stop mode. I too want to get the floors mopped NOW rather than later. What did you use on your maxi-pads to wet them and clean the floor? A douche?! Hey, it's vinegar and baking soda... right?? Handy nozzle at the end of the bag would eliminate having to touch the pad...If you ENJOY having your house smell like douche that is. LMAO! Thanks for the much need laugh =)

kathryn said...

Wendy Blum: And you are FABULOUS for my ego, my dear. I'm so glad you can fully appreciate my maxi-idea...and nothing makes me happier than knowing I was able to deliver a good laugh. There's that win/win again!

TC said...

If I had a mop that needed a pad I would use a maxi pad. SORRRY about your sciatica.

Heather said...

Glad your on the mend! Sorry I haven't been around lately.

You are a genious indeed! I use the Swiffer Sweeper wet pads and when one side gets dirty I flip it over to use up the other side.

David said...

Kathryn,
Just so you know, James read this and literally howled from laughter at the end. You couldn't have a greater felt moment of appreciation.
David

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