Sunday, June 13, 2010

Bite Me, Duct Tape.

This post is a labor of love, people. Never let it be said that I didn’t slide my toes right up to that thin line between sanity and its ever-babbling cousin, insanity…to bring you my most cutting-edge, deep-seated thoughts and ideas.

Yes, that was my version of a disclaimer…you can try sending the men in the white coats…but I’m a notorious screener...and I probably won’t answer the door/phone/email/text/tweet.

Lately, I’ve noticed I’d waaaay overbought on the packing tape for this last move. Not wanting to be a waster, I’ve tried my best to find alternative uses that go….beyond the norm. I now present to you my 13 tried-and-true, ultimately awesome uses in Kathrynville for packing tape:

#13:


(I’m wondering if I should’ve added an “xoxo” to the bottom there??)

#12:


This one didn’t work out so well. The tape sort of melted in the sun and everything got kind of sticky and goopy and runny and now when you touch the screen for directions, it kind of doesn’t want to let your finger go….causing me to shout, “Eh! Ah! Nigel….quit it! Stay!” (My nav has a British accent…tres sex-ay…but not so much lately with the stickiness…)

#11:


I know it’s kind of hard to see the cheap thrifty ingenious photo frame I’ve made around this totally awesome hand-drawn masterpiece. Yes, that’s me…in high heels…walking Metro. Although, I’ve just noticed now that I have no girlie-parts…but on the bright side, there’s not a pound of extra weight anywhere!

#10:


Emergency Fashionable invisible belt.

#9:


Troll torture device. Yes, he’s even got a piece of packing tape over his mouth….I’m feeling an odd mixture of shame and giddiness for having thought of this…

#8:


It’s a great way to encourage the entire family to sit down at the table for a meal!! Any second now, it will dawn on Taylor (18) that this is a most excellent idea and that he loves us all so very, very much!!

#7:


Doorstop. (Ahem…ya like it, JD??)

#6:


Temporary drain stop. Not to be confused with the door stop. They're two completely different things.  (This one basically works until you introduce any sort of liquid.)

#5:


For all you gardeners out there! Why spend money on garden stakes?? (Why, indeed…)

#4:


Taylor’s now prepared to walk the dog in the pouring rain…without worrying about wet hair or poop-smeared hands! (Yes, those are baggies on his hands….I packing-taped ‘em on. He was less than thrilled.)

#3:


Works great in a pinch for a missing bottle cap!

#2:


Excellent hair-removal system! No pain whatsoever! (Unless it pains you to get the evil look from your child.)

And my #1 use for all that extra packing tape:


Toilet tissue for guests you really don’t like.



Now I think I’ll get to work finding a use for all these stickers I found all over me after that ER visit…



***No family members or trolls were harmed in the making of this tutorial.***

(Thanks to Taylor for his scads of patience. I'd say, "I owe you one"...but I don't. You still owe me. Oodles.)

Gigi said...

LOL!!!!! Priceless!!!! And the fact that you got Taylor to participate? Even better!

BTW - you look fab in the picture of you walking Metro...but it seems you are spilling some Cloudy there...

Lynn said...

Taylor? Is a sport! Seriously, you're a way cool mom if you can convince an 18 year old to take part in this. Awe. Some.

I think I'll have to try the invisible belt idea. Good one.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

You know, the person I feel really bad for in this whole scenario is Taylor...the model, if you will...or the test dummy.

You're very creative, btw. I'll have to remember the toilet tape(?) one for future references. You know, used for good(?) instead of evil and all that.

Really though, I burst out laughing with this one...constantly. I think my Mom's afraid to come upstairs now for fear of finding me having choked to death-or an axe murderer or something being up here. Not that my laugh is THAT loud.

Wow, I've really babbled huh?

ValleyWriter said...

OMG - this was SUCH a welcome laugh! Almost worth having kids... just so I could torture, uh, I mean PLAY, with them like this :-P

sage said...

Thanks, I needed a laugh and it might even be worth me contributing to your legal defense fund... Is it still called child abuse when the kid is 18? you forgot leaving pieces of tape on park benches, sticky side up, with notes like "bite me"

I love the toilet paper one, of course, once a bunch of that stuff gets clogged in the commode or drains, how will you explain it to the plummer?

Dreamfarm Girl said...

You have outdone yourself with this one, Kathryn! Love "engaging" your son on this one....the family that sticks together well, sticks together, eh?? Hilarious!!

kathryn said...

Gigi: Ha! Yes, my dear....and how did I know that you'd pick up on that, re: my Cloudy spill?? It seemed entirely appropriate at the time of that masterful creation...as you can plainly see, I am a serious artiste!

Lynn: Yeah...he came though for me this time. Never mind that I had to book him 3 weeks in advance. There was more than a little begging and pleading in there, too. I'm just saying....

Oddyoddyo13: No babbling! I'm thrilled...it's exactly the reaction I'd imagined. I'm glad I can give you a laugh, sweetie!

Alan W. Davidson said...

LOL, those were really inventive, Kathryn. I don't know why your son put up with all of that. I guy of patience...like me. Seems to me he's got all of the evidence he needs for an abuse case...just sayin'...

kathryn said...

ValleyWriter: Uh, yeah....we love to torture (I mean, play) with them. They're so su-weet.....and agreeable. (He hasn't even begun to repay me....)

sage: I don't even know where to begin responding to this comment....yours is over the top funny...from the remark about child abuse (surely the clock has expired...no??) to the park benches with the eloquent note of "bite me"...LOVE IT.

Dreamfarm Girl: Oh, yeah! No matter how you look at it, it's all about *sticking* together. No matter what the risk! I'm so glad this post came out as funny as it was in my head!

Alicia said...

You are so creative! I just wonder if you didn't pull some of the hair off of Taylor's arm when you taped the baggies to his arms?

Jerry said...

I could take self-defense courses and kung fu judo karate to learn how to protest myself from armed desperadoes -- but my God, there is no defense against Kathryn and her Duct Tape!

Lauren said...

Okay, I laughed out loud at a really inappropriate moments and now my parents are staring at me. I once got bored at one of my former jobs and made a wallet of packing tape. It's kind of neat but really impractical. Applause to your son for being so cooperative. He was cooperating of his own free will right?

KellyGrrl said...

OMG tooo funny!!! hahahaha

Kimberly said...

So does Taylor believe that you have completely lost your mind? Or was he a willing participant? :)

Absolutely hilarious! Thanks for a good belly laugh!!

TC said...

OK, how'd you get the kid to help. I've done the sink stopper thing, can't remember why.....

Adele said...

Exactly what I'm thinking - you can fix EVERYTHING with tape. And you can use tape for EVERYTHING. Well, almost. Usually when I try to get a nice piece of tape to use in a reeeeeaallly smart way, i get a sticky, non-usable piece of tape that looks like you door stop, but is completely unhelpful when I'm trying to pack a Christmas gift or something. But I still love tape. I wonder who invented it...

Krista said...

LOL! My faves are the troll torture device, the door stop and the sink stopper that works until you introduce some form of liquid. LMAO!

Collette said...

Hey haven't been around in awhile but so glad I stopped by today! I don't know what I would do without your ingenoius ideas:) (((HUGS)))

Kristy said...

You must have had so much fun with this! My husband would love it! He's always trying to find new things to do with duct tape.

Smileyfreak said...

What did you use to bribe your son into doing that??

...maybe I can use the same trick on my sister...

LOL :)

Christiejolu said...

I love all these uses for tape! They are great! I am a total screener myself....

Slamdunk said...

I love the drawing. No matter what our plans are or the weather outside, there is a dog who patiently waits for me to take him on his nightly walk. So, I can def relate.

Jen said...

Love it!!! I think I may try the hair removal system. This is just about as good as your Swiffer idea. Alternate uses for Maxi Pads always come in handy.

Tinkerschnitzel said...

You are a genius, which makes me wonder why Carnegie or MIT hasn't called yet. Keep the ideas coming! I've got 2 boys who will eventually completely destroy my house, and I need all the help I can get!

Straight Guy said...

I wouldn't worry that these things will come up at discussions between Taylor and his future therapist. I wouldn't worry at all. Please especially don't worry about photo number 4.

John McElveen said...

Absofreakinglutely BRILLIANT Kathryn!

Again...I should know by now--but every once in a while will you post a courtesy Class 1 Beverage Alert!!

John

kathryn said...

Alan W. Davidson: Abuse? Me?? So, you expect me to believe that you've never taped Sean to an umbrella to encourage walking the dog in the rain? Are you sure? Why don't you check w/him. I'll hold.

Alicia: Honey, you are too funny. YES, he did lose a few hairs during the tape-removal process...and I can't believe you thought of that! He was furious w/me for not keeping the tape on the plastic. Hey, I never said I was perfect!

Jerry: That is correct, sir. You may run....but you cannot hide. This tape is very sticky and it will find you.

kathryn said...

StacyUK: Yep. Taylor has perfected the typical (NY) teenage blank stare. Don't let it fool you, though...his emotions are right below the surface. And yes....he SO owes me!

Lauren: Um. Yeah....let's go with that whole "free will" thing. A wallet out of packing tape? I would think it would be terribly practical, sweetie....sticky enough to hold everything in place. But then, I guess it's hard to get out of your pocket??

KellyGrrl: Thank you! It was a hoot to do...we were laughing pretty much the whole time. (Well, at least Connor and I were...not so much Taylor).

Gay Guy said...

#11: What in your left hand? The triangle. Is that a cocktail? Looks suspiciously like a martini to me.

Any drinking while dog walking confessions to make, Kathryn? We don't judge.

kathryn said...

Kimberly: Are you kidding? He came up with a few of them! But then when it came time to shoot, he suffered from selective amnesia...

TC: It's easy to involve an 18-yo. You simply have to beg and plead for a few days beforehand...and then blend in a few threats and shake vigorously till he doesn't remember what he was objecting to. Piece 'o cake.

Adele: I hear that. I'll have you know that I forgot about the door stop....just checked and it's still there! I want to know who invented VELCRO! Now, there's a boon!

kathryn said...

SMOOG: HA! The troll-one still scares me a little. It's like, "WTF? Where did THAT come from?" I'm oddly proud of it, though...

Collette: Hey, you!! I'm glad you stopped by for this one, too! One of my more...thought-out posts! Hope you're well, sweetie.

Kristy: Yep. It was a hoot. Getting Taylor to commit is a freakin' nightmare, though...as great as it seemed in my head, I was afraid it would never make it onto this page. I'm so glad it did!

kathryn said...

Smileyfreak: I don't know that it's worth it, sweetie! I doubt I'll get him again for a while...and after initially agreeing to do it, he waffled and stalled and basically tried very hard to back out. (Does he not know me??)

Christiejolu: I'm glad you enjoyed it! These days, there's no reason NOT to screen calls...since everything comes with ID, right?

Slamdunk: There you go. Dogs don't care what the weather...every day is a good day to pee & poop. Right?

kathryn said...

Jen: Thank you, my dear. High praise...I shall continue to work on solution for our over-populated linen closets. I'll bet there are many more uses for those pads than anyone's letting on.

Tinkerschnitzel: Honey, I hear you. I'm happy to be your testing ground. From one boy-central to another, I'll keep experimenting and report back!

Straight Guy: Oh, God. I should have thought this through first...and it's all right here for....eternity? Proof?!?

kathryn said...

John McElveen: You flatter me, kind sir! You also validate every. single. freakin. thought I have. I think I may love you....

Gay Guy: Um. Well. Triangle, you say? I'm not aware....I'll have to re-verify....Oh, that?? That's one of those **honk, honk!** things that clowns carry....and there's some errant spit falling there. Yeah...that's it. (You are way too observant, sweetie.)

Draea Lael (Rose) said...

Kathryn, my dear, you are my new hero! I totally love this post, as I am visiting your blog for the first time...and it has me thinking...I have 4 kiddos of my own that I remind on occasion that I had them purely for entertainment and work use..the hamster wheel has begun to spin!
<3

Heather said...

That was hilarious! I am totally re-thinking about the garden stakes!
Great of Taylor to play along!

Ava said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
One has to wonder what your neighbors must think of you after seeing you taping your plants up instead of staking them. Love the idea of the hands free umbrella. But how do you tape it there and make sure it sticks properly when you are igcognito? Me think-eth this invention must go back-eth to the McGyver laboratory for more exploration-eth. Now the hair removal I can really get into. I LOVE wax. However, at a factory I once worked at, they had this kick ass thick red tape. It was UBER sticky and one of the mold techs put it on his arm and ripped his arm hair off with it. I know it sounds really odd, but honestly, if it weren't for the fear of ripping flesh off my body, I would've tried using that tape on myself. Buh-bye bikini hair. And possibly ENTIRE bikini area forever! That invisible belt idea was nice as well. UNTIL potty time. Then what?? Depends to the rescue ,) LOL
Taylor is too nice. What a great sport.
PS. I think I have a link now. Try emailing me or getting onto my new blog and best of luck. Hope it works =)

Ava said...

Love your self-portrait. Especially your high heels. You are an amazing woman, Kathryn. I wouldn't be able to walk a dog in heels and yet you make it look effortless. Does your list of talents never end??

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