Friday, June 11, 2010

Adapt

I am trying my best to behave. To listen to my body and to not overdo. Although, it would seem to me that I should be the boss of my own body…and if this is indeed the case, then why can’t I just tell it to cut the crap, lose the ache/numbness/discomfort and get on with it, already??

Anyouch-

I’ve spent the lion’s share of the week trying to wade through a mountain of paperwork, return a crap-load of phone calls and attempt to find a suitable position with which to *tap-tap-tap* my way to the much-loved, much-missed land that is my second home: the internet.

This has been my uninventive setup so far:


That is my laptop on a serving tray on my bed. The phones are self-explanatory…and the mouse has to be on something, right? The flaw to this setup is that I have to use the tray to keep the laptop from overheating…which I’m certain it will do if I were to actually rest it on my lap.

(Clears throat) Hence, I hereby denounce the name “laptop” as being unscrupulous, bogus and deceitful. It’s misleading, phony and basically a sham. I mean, yes…you can technically place this 14” by 10” computer on your lap…ya know, for show. A better name might have been a “Portapute”….or “Port” for short. (Copyright # YTV-3K-00000000000 pending.)

I know…you’re shaking your heads in complete and utter amazement at my brilliance…it’s almost superhuman, right? I know…and I haven’t even made my point yet.

So, I needed to fashion something else to use as a resting surface for my portapute. (See? It’s catching on already! Oh, wait….that’s me.) It’s too uncomfortable to have a wooden tray resting on an already achy-breaky leg, although it comes in mighty handy if you say something you feel superstitious about, ‘cause the wood’s right there and all….

Plan A:


I figured I could stick my legs through the middle, as it’s a bottomless/topless box. I chose a liquor box for it’s unusual strength and durability…and because…well, I have so many of them. Problem is that I had to shore it up on both sides to keep it from collapsing…so I chalked it up to a design flaw and went back to the virtual drawing board. (Author's note: My sister Laura has one of those bed-trays. I can tell that's what you're thinking, you know. But, that would require my getting in the car and driving over there to retrieve it...and that's not gonna happen. I know you understand.)

Plan B:


This one seems to be working a tad better. The box is also plenty durable and I’m sure it will last for years to come. (Where's my sarcasm font when I need it??)  (Actually, this one’s only slightly higher on our structurally-sound rating…but we’re not worrying about that today, now are we??) I’d also like to point out my inability to think through the notion that I might want those grabby-hole-thingies to be on the sides…thus making it easier to get the blasted thing off of me when I need to stand/stretch/pee/whatever. I then had to cut two new holes on the left and right sides (not pictured), further questioning the integrity of said structure. Hey, ya live and ya learn...I can't be a freakin' genius 24/7...

Here’s a view from underneath:


What?

As you can plainly see, George is showing his concern and empathy for my sciatica affliction by assuming a painful expression that he feels conveys both my heroic bravery in battling this on a day-to-day basis and my determination to maintain my sense of humor through insurmountable agony and an extremely achy, extremely numb butt.

At least, I think that’s what he’s saying….

Fierce said...

Plan B seemed solid, until the whole hole-in-the-side debacle. Shouldn't be too bad now though, you got Clinton AND Clooney to keep ya company. You are so lucky!

:)
xoxo

John McElveen said...

OMG--I gotta remember to Pee before I come here!!!!!

WOOD you consider, a cordless keyboard, cordless mouse, to go with a lap---- portaputer? Snicker.

You'd have more electricity around you than a small Electric Transformer.

Hello this is-zzzzzzzzzzztttttttttttt! Poof!!

You could just trash the whole damn thing and fall in love with a TIVO!!!

But then we would miss you. I am going to try the Maxi pads on our whifffer--- sorry, Wet mop thang, ..well...you know!

Great idea.

Hope that Sciatica gets better fast! Prayers going up--and keep the pressure OFF that nerve and ENTIRE area EVEN in bed!!!!

John

kathryn said...

Fierce: Well, I figure each of them can hold up one side when it starts to fail. (Let's face it: that's not being pessimistic, just realistic.) For today, it's worked well...although it has a decided lean to the right for some reason...

John McElveen: Dammit. I don't know how to DO this "keeping the pressure off" thing! And I'm not super-fond of going "POOF!" either...but I like the idea of possibly humming/glowing with energy. Just not the exploding kind. I'm trying! I'll keep trying!!

Lauren said...

At least you still have your creativity and sense of humour. And George. Mustn't forget George. Is he the pocket version? He's looking... shorter than I thought he was. I hope you feel better soon. And that your table solution does in fact last you forever.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Oh, Kathryn, you never fail to make me smile. You're a riot! Only you could make a laptop-on-the-bed setup so funny.
I hope you're feeling better...

diane rene said...

as always, you never fail to amaze me :)

Lynn said...

Don't tell me you have a DELL!! RUN AWAY!!! (I've had nothing but troubles with my two Dell computers. The first one, thought it was a glitch. The second one, I realized that it's Dell.)

Ah well. At least the box is good for something... hehe

Kimberly said...

Even in the midst of your pain, you manage to keep your sense of humor. Thanks for the laugh! And I hope you are back to normal (whatever that is!) soon!

kathryn said...

Lauren: Thank you, my dear. We all know how quality built my inventions usually turn out to be....with my stringent quality standards and all. Yes, you're seeing the pocket-version of Georgie...proportionally accurate, but small enough to fit discreetly for those who'd try and pilfer him when I wasn't lookin'. We simply can't have that.

Maureen@IslandRoar: Thank you, sweetie. It seems I have no shortage of ideas (in my head) to create what I essentially want. Bringing it to life is where I seem to fall short. (And then I go and share it. Oh, that makes a lot of sense!)

diane rene: I do try...honestly. I believe my ultimate goal is to cover up all my bungling by making the story amusing enough that you gloss over the fact that I made a mess of things...

kathryn said...

Lynn: No worries....I do NOT own a Dell! Laura (sis) brought me over the box (from her office) when I was packing to move. I don't know about their computers....but they make pretty strong boxes, I'll give 'em that. Sorry you've had so much trouble w/ yours...I'll stick w/my Toshiba.

Kimberly: Thank you, sweets! Yeah, I've no clue what "normal" is...but I know that being online is a huge part of it. And being in "Kathrynville" mode means I'm consciously looking for the funny...and that's always a good thing, right?

Oddyoddyo13 said...

And here we are witnessing poor Kathryn in her attempts to remain online and in touch....well, you ARE extremely dedicated. I would never have thought of the box thing. Probably would've just crawled to the computer by my elbows. :)

KellyGrrl said...

Pure genius! Love it

Christiejolu said...

I often wondered why they call them Laptops too when they get so hot when sitting on your lap....My Laptop is old, so I am not sure if the newer ones get hot too...I love your invention though!

Gigi said...

Just another thing we have in common - love my Toshiba!! We are like *this*!

How about Plan C? Tell your sister with the bed tray thing to drive it over to you - since you are incapacitated and all.....you know, cash in on some guilt...

Alan W. Davidson said...

Very creative ideas and far TMI about the numb butt and overheating lap...may I suggest an alternative?

Perhaps two light chains hung from the ceiling over bed/sofa or wearever you are laying about. The chains would screw into the sides of the 'portapotty' tray just over your lap. This will also allow you to slide out for food or pee breaks. If it pans out, you can mail my royalty cheques to...

Jerry said...

Well Hot Lap -- don't computers have voice recognition thingies built into them now? It just seems you could plug a larger screen into your laptop and sit the whole thing on your dresser and kinda' shout at it.

Here I'll try it.

Can u here me

Tell kathurin that. No don't tipe that part. Just...

No darleng im not shouting...who..kethurin...i dont no a kethurin..im just hollering at my cumpewter, how sillee why wood i call my cumpewter kethurin you misunderstud me. no itz ok u dont hav to cum in heer to c whaht is on my cumpewter. its ok. whaht. cumpewter send note...send note now...now dammit...o hi darleng...

Ava said...

Psst! Hey Kathryn! It's ME!!! Wendy Blum. I had to open a different account here in blogville because certain people in my life at this time cannot be trusted in reading my poetry. They are trying to use my emotions against me for their own sadistic purposes. We'll just leave it at that ;)
Honey, I am certain you are in MAJOR pain. I am so sorry for you and your numb buttocks.
I have to say also that you are gifted match for Mr. McGyver. If TV execuatives ever decide to re-make the series over again for future generations, you should be nominated to play the role of McGyver. Why should a man always be portrayed as the brilliant one?? Of course, necessity has always been the mother of invention. Take it easy on yourself, Kathryn. But don't give up! I know you will come up with a solution for your portaputer's problem =)

Ava said...

Hey Kathryn. It's Wendy, aka Ava, again. I could use some of your McGyver genius. So far, you are the only person I have been able to add to my follow list. I cannot get Bernadine or Gavin. I don't know, but I think I may have upset Gavin :( I have been able to get onto his blog a couple of times since he began blogging again. But once again, I cannot reach him. Hope I didn't write something that offended him...Any way, I have tried typing in their URL's to no avail. Because you have helped me in the past to overcome my computer illiterate ways,lol, I thought maybe you'd have some thoughts on what I could be doing wrong with everyone else's blog URL's. At least I found you again =) I would miss reading your blog.
Thanks in advance =)

kathryn said...

Ava: Shoot me an email, sweetie. (Click on the little girl on my sidebar holding the envelope) and I'll see if I can help.

Alicia said...

Kathryn,
I've been meaning to get in touch with you and sympathize about "our" sciatica together (although I've been told not to take ownership of it and that way it doesn't exist. One of the hundreds of ideas I've been given to help me get through this).

Today marks the end of the 7th week that I've been suffering with this stupid thing and I so sympathize with you. Yesterday was the first time in all those weeks that I actually went out in public (other than work). I had to make a run to Walmart to get all those items we need to run a home (toilet paper, paper towels, toothpaste, etc.).

It was hard but I did it. I had to have my sister with me to reach items on the bottom shelves and heavy items.

I feel for you and I hope you start feeling better soon. I understand how that dead leg thing feels, like the dentist shot it full of novacaine and it's numb and weak but it didn't help the pain any!

Stay strong Kathryn and if you have health insurance see if you can get into physical therapy and get a TENS unit. That is the only thing that helped to get me on the road to recovery.

Take care kiddo and I think your idea with the last box is super; and as long as it bring you back to us I'm happy.

kathryn said...

Oddyoddyo13: Aw. You would have thought of it, sweetie...if you were surrounded by boxes all day like I've been. They're just so....handy! And you are just as dedicated as I.

KellyGrrl: Thank you! I think having the sympathetic Clooney underneath is the icing on the cake!

Christiejolu: Well, my laptop is a few years old already...but I haven't heard anyone shouting about how (literally) cool the new laptops are...so, I have to assume they're...well, not so much.

kathryn said...

Gigi: Uh huh....uh huh...I'm feelin' that....gee, "cashing in on the guilt?"...I never do that. (Lovin' the visual of you 'n' me like *that*)

Alan W. Davidson: Oh, yeah....'cause your method is so much simpler than mine. (Rolls eyes) As for the TMI? Hey. How are you going to properly empathize, appreciate and therefore sympathize with my plight if I don't supply you with all the gory details?? Hmmmm??

Jerry: Oh. God. I've snorted, peed a little (sorry Alan) and laughed my ASS OFF at this comment! I'm going to have to INSIST that you create an ENTIRE POST at your place (www.gentlysaid.blogspot.com) so I can laugh some more. This is positively GENIUS. I'm freakin' serious here....get to work!

kathryn said...

Ava: Hey, sweetie! I feel like you're in the witness protection program. I'm glad you've found me...but I'm sorry you had to switch blog-gears. I tried to email you but you don't seem to have a link anywhere, so shoot me one and I'll try and help.

ALICIA! (She sobbed) My partner in pain!! Unfortunately, no medical insurance here...but after a trip to the ER, I did wind up with a flyer on sciatica...and one of the suggestions was "positive visualization". Uh-huh. Monotone: "I don't wanna gnaw my leg off...hummmmmm....." Bedrest, narcotics and icepacks have helped the most, I think. I tried sitting in my (practically brand new) desk chair today...and only lasted 8 minutes. How the hell are you managing at a desk at work?? I'd really like to know this!

TC said...

I have now figured out why I find your blog so true to life and hilarious Kathryn. I had the wooden kitchen tray on the table behind the couch for about a month because the stupid laptop was JUST too hot for my lap.
I've also had sciatica, so can sympathize....George doesn't come to visit so much anymore though?

Alicia said...

Kathryn,
I've only been able to return to work the past three weeks. There is an army cot in my office and I try to lay down for 5 or 10 minutes every hour. It's kind of an odd item to have in one's office and since what I do is sell truckers insurance I'm sure they think I'm probably turning tricks in my office...lol.

It gets better. I didn't believe it would ever get better, but it does. Just keep doing what you are doing with the icepacks. Be careful with the narcotics. They gave me ibuprofen and I was taking two in the morning, two at lunch and two before bed and I didn't know that they can harm your liver!! Great, tell me after I've been taking them for 4 weeks!

Heather said...

I think your box lap tray is a great idea. I see nothing wrong with it. Just poke some hole into the top for venalation and your done!

Hope you don't have to use it for much longer, hope you get better soon!

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