The stage is pitch black. The audience of 10,000 (give or take 9,990 or so) holds their breath in cautious anticipation.
Suddenly, a lone spotlight pierces the darkness and the audience gasps in surprise!
A solitary figure walks quietly to the center of the stage and picks up the microphone waiting there. Only then does she gaze out at the sea of faces before her…and she smiles.
Oprah: “Welcome! I am so glad you can all be with us on this spectacular day…to celebrate this incredible occasion. Never before has such an event captured the hearts of so many. I for one, am honored to have had a voice here at Inside…Out.”
The crowd goes wild! The applause is deafening… and seems to be inexhaustible.
When the room quiets down, there is another figure on the stage.
Bill Gates: “Hello! I also feel privileged to have been an integral part of life here in Blogville and---“
Oprah: “Well, I wouldn’t exactly use the word ‘integral’, Bill. You sound a little bit full of yourself there. It’s not a good look. And speaking of good looks…”
George Clooney: “Hey. I thought I was late. Where is she?”
Bill Gates: “I thought she was with you. I haven’t seen her since she asked me to take a look at her laptop on Friday.”
George Clooney: “Ha. You mean when she called and asked you to come outside and then drove slowly past your house and flung it out the window at your head... managing to behead several ornamental lawn animals before coming in contact with your driveway, shattering it into a million pieces? I saw it on YouTube. I think she’s going with the iPad, buddy.”
Martha Stewart: “She was really mad. I tried to cheer her up by gluing the broken laptop pieces into a pretty mosaic abstract for her entryway. She was having none of it. You never should have promised her Microsoft would name the next operating system ‘Kathrynville’. You knew that wouldn’t end well…she could be anywhere by now.”
Donald Trump: “What’s happening? Why is everyone just standing around? Woah! (Stares out at audience) Did you realize there’s a whole crapload of people watching you?? Bill, you’re fired…I can’t believe you lost our gal. George, call every liquor store within a 30-mile radius. I’m calling the Taj Mahal...maybe she checked in. Ask Ellen if she can entertain the masses.”
George Clooney: “You’re not the boss of me. However, I will check the liquor stores…not because you told me to…but because I want to.”
Ellen DeGeneres: “Aw. Why do I have to do it? I was just about to make myself a sandwich. Why can’t Jerry do it?”
Jerry Seinfeld: “Wait a minute…I’m not doing this all by myself. This crowd is tough…they’ll eat me alive!”
Ellen DeGeneres: (Rolls eyes) “Oh, don’t be so dramatic. Tell ‘em the one about the monkey with the rotten cantaloupe…that cracked me up on the way over here.”
Jerry Seinfeld: “Really? That one?? You don’t think the chimp impression is too much?”
Mrs. Obama: (Breathless) “Sorry we’re late! The traffic on Fifth was diverted because…well, because of us… (Turns to Prez, confused) I still don’t understand how that works…”
President Obama: “I have no idea. Do we have time to grab some bagels while we’re here? Hey, where’s the birthday girl?”
Kathryn (to Clinton…backstage): “C’MON! They’re all waiting for us! I can’t believe you’re wearing THAT…”
Clinton Kelly: “HEY. I was sitting on the couch…watching a little Bravo…when you dragged me over here. A little warning would have been nice. I have a life, you know…”
Kathryn: “Oh, c’mon! You, of all people…it’s been two freakin’ years, Kelly. Get over it and put on a suit. On second thought, forget it…there’s no time…we’ve gotta get out there!”
Clinton Kelly (Sighs): “I wonder if it’s too late to volunteer to be Kirstie Alley’s IV…”
Pushes him onto the stage…and marches out till they reach the middle…where she abruptly stops.
She looks out at the audience and breaks into a huge grin.
Kathryn: “April 5th marks the 2nd anniversary of From the Inside…Out. Two whole years, people! I’ve loved every single freakin’ minute. And since my birthday falls on the 12th, we shall make a week-long party out of it. Let’s boogie!”
Here’s to another amazing 2 years…you guys ROCK!