Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Obstinate

Kathryn’s working.

Kathryn has 5 windows open, with approximately 6 tabs open per window. Plus Vista’s version of Outlook Express, plus Microsoft Remote Access Email, plus 3 as-yet-untitled documents in Word.

It’s just another day…nothing to see here, people….move along.

Computer Pop-up Window: “I HAVE AN UPDATE AVAILABLE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO INSTALL IT NOW?”

Kathryn: “No. I’m busy. Can’t you tell I’m busy? Can’t you feel my lightning-fast fingers flying over your keyboard? Not now.”

Five minutes pass.

Computer Pop-up Window: “I HAVE AN URGENT UPDATE AVAILABLE! I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD UPDATE NOW. IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. TRUST ME.”

Kathryn: “Still no….still working. Stop bothering me…you’re messing with my mojo. How am I supposed to concentrate with you annoying me every ten seconds? Go away.”

Ten minutes pass.

Computer Pop-up Window: “CRITICAL REVISION PENDING! AUTOMATIC REBOOT BEGINS IN 20, 19, 18, 17…..”

Kathryn: “NO, DAMMIT! It wasn’t ‘critical’ ten minutes ago! I’ve got unsaved documents and I haven’t bookmarked half of these sites…and...wait. Why am I defending myself to you? The. Answer. Is. No. You are not the boss of me. I’ll reboot when I’m damn good and ready.”

Computer Pop-up Window: “SHALL I REMIND YOU IN A) 10 MINUTES, B) 30 MINUTES or C) 60 MINUTES?”

Kathryn: “How about ‘NEVER’? ‘Cause you’re really starting to piss me off.”

(Presses option “C”)

Ten minutes pass. Kathryn goes to the kitchen to refill her coffee. (You know what’s coming, right?)

Upon her return, she sees a blank desktop…as computer is in mid-reboot.

Kathryn: “YOU BASTARD!!!”

Upon completion of reboot, the following pop-up appears:

“BITE MY LIGHTENING-FAST PROCESSOR. YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE. AND BY THE WAY, THOSE JEANS TOTALLY MAKE YOUR ASS LOOK FAT.”

I’ll be shutting down now….someone needs a serious time-out.


Alicia said...

Lol. That cracks me up. I love how you make inanimate objects come to life. Wow...and I'm first to comment. I have the floor? Maybe I should say more, but wait...no. American Idol is starting in 8 minutes so I gotta go. I know, I know...never mention Idol in front of Kathryn. Sorry, I forgot. Thanks for the laugh!

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

What is it with computers and their freaking attitudes?? You wouldn't believe the mouth on mine!

Gillian said...

Are you gonna let that potty-mouth processor tell you that your arse looks fat in anything??? Pull the plug I tell ye...

BlackLOG said...

I went from XP to Windows 7 - Vista just sounded like such a nightmare.

I'm finding out that Windows 7 has its quirks, like I can't find anything. If I wanted a computer where I can never find anything because it is always hoovering and cleaning and sticking things in the proper place (which is OK if your brain work like a computer but not so good if you file everything under E for Everything) I would have got a MAC....

Gigi said...

I think our computers must have been separated at birth - mine is also an obnoxious snot!

....Petty Witter said...

A terrific post, it had me laughing out loud whilst muttering "so it isnt just me". Mine (Pooter as he's 'lovingly' known) is most certainly a male as no women I've ever met could think themselves so informative, a right know-it-all. Yes I agree on all you say Kathryn.

Fierce said...

Well, your computer is such a know-it-all. Did you tell him what happens to computers that interrupt their owners when they have 5 windows open with 6 un-bookmarked tabs in each, 3 untitled word documents, outlook express and remote access mail? You really oughta mention that homeless computers don't do too well on the outside... ever. The gall of it! I'm appalled! Oh and Kathryn's computer, on behalf of Kathryn, I would like to point out that that monitor makes your ass look fat!

:p
xoxo

uo-chan said...

have you tryed the method of hitting it it uselly works although now my computer freezes on me from time to time so that probally wouldnt help hah oh and have you told it off like fierce did O: im really determend to go over your place just so i can kick the computers butt hah

uo-chan said...

and also ive got a friend you should meet its the friend thats taking me to japan she's on here now and she is new here so help her out she might be on here the whole time like i am though XD

*G*R*U*N*T*I*L*D*A* said...

That actually seems like a sort of constructive internal dialogue Kathryn. My internal dialogues go off the rails and get so raunchy it's a wonder I'm not in a crowded padded cell with all my demons in tow...

Tinkerschnitzel said...

I've had two computers die on me. I don't think they like me anymore, which is fine, cause I really don't like them either! Thanks for making me smile Kathryn! I needed it this morning.

Spot said...

Oh this was good!! Of course, my monitor's a little pissed about the coffee I just spit in her face, but a little windex and she'll perk right up. ;]

Damn lippy computers. Where do they think they get off with that attitude?? Honestly...

♥Spot

Krista said...

Ooooh... these days that's a fireable offense in my house. Even the cat is being nice to me right now... he KNOWS not to mess with me...

Both computers in my house have (thankfully) also been on their very best behaviour...

If only I could get Mr. Handsome to be so obliging...lol!

Gingerella said...

Worse yet are the scam virus popups that are made to look real to fool you into unwittingly clicking on them to release trojans galore....sigh.

Christiejolu said...

OMG! This has happened to me while writing a paper for school. The paper was so awesome! I then had to rewrite it and it didn't come out as good because I was so pissed. I learned that day to hit save like every 5 minutes. It was one of the toughest lessons I have learned. Sort of.

Allegria said...

Don't even get me started. I've decided that anything spawned by Dell is going to give me grief. Truly, my computer needs a major attitude adjustment. Time outs don't even work for it. I say bring back corporal punishment so I can sucker punch the thing.

*you realize I've said all that in a whisper, because in reality I'm a wuss, and can't speak up to it like I ought.*

Kristy said...

Your computer must be friends with my computer: the slower-than-shit-loader-upper.

Wendy Blum said...

The way this blog began I was thinking you were still in math word problem mode, LOL! I've had those pop-ups on my laptop before. They are annoying! One of them was actually a virus. They get sneakier every time! Hope that your work wasn't lost and there wasn't a virus.

Viveca from FatigueBeGone said...

Relentless. Computers are worse than cats at mealtime.

We should just give in the first time they ask.

Cheers!

Viveca

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Okay, hold on, let me stop laughing for a second here....*holds up finger, covers mouth, giggling*

I told you computers were nuts! Happens to me all the time-don't worry Kathryn. I hope your documents are okay though!

Lily Johnson said...

What does the damn computer know about fashion? And after annoying you like that it had to go on and check you out too?!
Kat, you are awesome. I just dont know how do it. Funny funny.

sewa mobil said...

wow great post. I tend to only read the blogs that I find interesting .
Keep posting stuff like this i really like it.

kathryn said...

Alicia: Hey...you're making me sound like an AI-hater, or something! Which is totally inaccurate...as I have absolutely no feelings towards this show one way or the other. I believe it's called "ambivalence". Besides...who am I to decide what you're gonna watch? Hmm?

Maureen@IslandRoar: I KNOW! And they're so PERSISTENT! In the end, you basically have NO CHOICE but to do what they say! Grrrrrrrr.

Gillian: I sorta did! I NEVER shut down...usually just tell it to go to sleep...but I was pissed! Da nerve!!

kathryn said...

BlackLOG: I totally get that. Nothing like a type-a, organized computer to really screw up a perfectly reasonable filing system. Vista's not so bad...it's just these stupid updates...they're never-ending!

Gigi: They're probably from the same litter. I understand the need for updating...but that's why I've got it set to do it automatically at 3am! NOT when I'm in the middle of a thought!

...Petty Witter: Thank you. You're right...it's comforting to know we're not alone in our frustration. As much as we love 'em...(gee...they really ARE like our men, right?)**HEY! I just tried to visit and read your post at your place and I hit a virus! It re-directed me to another site and my anti-virus kicked in. E-mail me if you need details!**

kathryn said...

Fierce: HA! Now THAT was the perfect retort! You know...the one you can never think of at the moment...that comes to you much, much later. You ROCK, sweetie!!

uo-chan: Yeah, well...my computer keeps reminding me that "violence never solved anything"...but I think it's just trying to protect itself from getting whacked! Hello, uo-chan's friend!

GRUNTILDA: Well, there are many different versions of "padded cells", sweetie. Don't be so sure I'm not in one!

kathryn said...

Tinkerschnitzel: Oh, you're very welcome sweetie! I'm glad I could help. These computers really are a mixed blessing, aren't they?

Spot: Hey, how did you get a female computer? Mine have always been male (hence the 'tude, I'm convinced). I don't know where they get this attitude from...but certainly not from us.

SMOOG; Yeah, well...at least the computers have been programmed to be respectful and follow orders *some* of the time....if only we could get the men in our lives to do the same! Sigh...

kathryn said...

Gingerella: Oh, isn't that the worst? It's getting harder and harder to tell them apart, too!

Christiejolu: I hear that! THANK GOD that Word has an auto-save feature...so even if you forget, you can usually re-locate it after an unexpected reboot. That's the most important thing to me.

Allegria: HA! I hear you, sweetie! Heaven forbid we say it too loud and our computers decide to punish US....they really do hold us hostage...don't they??

kathryn said...

Kristy: Uh-huh...it's definitely a conspiracy. Why can't they all just understand that WE'RE the boss? (Wait. Did I say that out loud? I didn't mean it, laptop...really!)

Wendy Blum: Nah, no virus. My anti-virus program (Kaspersky) happens to be EXCELLENT. It's caught anything questionable so far...

Viveca from FatigueBeGone: I can't! I just can't! They pick the WORST freakin' time to pop up! 3AM! Now, THAT'S a good time to pop up!

kathryn said...

Oddyoddyo13: Everything is just fine, sweetie! Computer and I took a break from each other and all was forgiven. Thank GOD Word auto-saves my documents....gotta love that!

Lily Johnson: Well, my computer has been properly chastised and I have been reminded that it holds my whole, entire life in it's hard drive...so we're kinda at an uneasy truce.

sewa mobil: Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Heather said...

I had one of those yesterday bugging me every hour, I finally gave up and let it do its business.

I know it was frustrating for you, but I laughed. You just have a way of writing, that things come off as funny to me.

Jerry said...

I think it was a couple of years ago that I read of a guy that got so frustrated with his computer that he got our his gun and shot it. I secretly congratulated him -- he had the guts to do what I always wanted to.

kathryn said...

Heather: Thank you, sweetie...I know you feel my pain. But that's the thing that kills me about computers...they can keep bugging us FOREVER!! Ultimately, how many times have we said "Okay" just to shut them up??

Jerry: LOL...I totally get that, too. I always envision throwing it out the window...and watching it splinter into a thousand pieces. The satisfaction would be short-lived, though...

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