Tuesday, February 9, 2010

A Whole New Level of Random

Two of my least favorite words in the English language are splashed all over the news here in the Northeast today.

One is blizzard.

The other is conditions.

Other words being bantered about would include white-out, treacherous and brine.

Clinton Kelly (My confused, yet ever-faithful IV, breaks into song) “One of these things is not like the other~one of these things just doesn’t belong. Can you tell which thing is not like the other~ by the time I finish my song…?

Kathryn: “What the hell are you singing? What are you…..five?”

CK: (Rolls baby blues) “Blizzard conditions, white-out, treacherous and…brine? Wait for it…”

K: “Oh. Riiight. That last part must have come from the water softener instruction manual. My bad. Do you have any idea how heavy a 50-pound bag of salt is?”

CK: (Sighs) “Wait for it….”

K: “It’s really heavy...and it’s like, dead weight. Very concentrated….that means it’s very dense.”

CK: “Why didn’t you call one of da boys to lift the bags?”

K: “I did.”

CK: “Then, why are you complaining?”

K: “I’m not. I am simply pointing out the obvious…which is that I have had waaay too much exposure to salt today. And sand….and neither one in the good way.”

CK: (Frowns) “I know I’m going to regret asking this…”

K: “The only kind of salt I enjoy is on the rim of a margarita glass. And I’d prefer to be picking sand out of my swimsuit than dumping it in a wiggly-line down an ice-encrusted driveway in preparation for yet another pounding of 10-18 inches of snow, thanks to a supposed ‘One-two-punch’, as gleefully reported by Jeff Mendleson, my ex-favorite meteorologist, which is evidently arriving at midnight from the combination of two storms…one of which is heading our way from the Midwest and will mix it up with a Nor’Easter that’s coming from...well, ya know…the south.”

CK: “That was a very long run-on sentence. I don’t believe you took one breath.”

K: “I’m breathing now. So at 8am, I was at the market and by 10am, I was making sauce from scratch with meatballs and sausage. Feel free to be impressed. I’ve recently discovered that the trick to not having burned meatballs on the outside and raw on the inside is to bake ‘em. This may be the greatest discovery of da boys’ whole entire lives…now I don’t have to buy those meatballs in a bag that you nuke and add to the sauce from the jar.”

CK: (Fake gags) “So, now you can cook?”

K: “Well. I wouldn’t go that far. I mean, the house still filled with smoke and I burned the garlic and one of the pans is on its third soaking, but I made so much I decided to surprise my sister by leaving some in her downstairs fridge with a note from me that says, ya know… “Surprise!”

CK: “I wonder what surprised her more…the fact that you cooked, or that you broke into her house to leave the food…”

K: “HA. Well, in the end my surprise was foiled. Ya wanna know why?”

CK: “Do I have a choice?”

K “Because I punched the code on her garage door and I heard the whirring sound and I waited and waited but the door never opened. So, then I thought I'd broken her freakin’ door and I thought, ‘This meal is not that good…maybe I should just cut my losses and skedaddle.’ But I did the right thing and I called her and do you know what she said?”

CK: “‘The garage door is broken.’”

K: “She said ‘The garage door is broken’.”

CK: “I just said that. So, you brought the meal home again?”

K: “Nope. She told me how to get in…but I had this eerie feeling that I was being watched.”

CK: “Don’t tell me she was in the house…”

K: “No. That would be creepy…but check out these ominous figures on the roof of the barn on the edge of her property.”

CK: (Squints at photo) “What the hell?”

K: “They were really BIG…like turkeys…or ostriches…or something. I googled ‘Big birds sitting on barn roof’ but this is all I got and I just know this isn’t right.”

CK: (Chuckles) “Well, it may have to remain a mystery.”

K: “But I think it’s kind of interesting that you were singing a song from Sesame Street and I saw Big Bird on the roof of the barn….what are the odds of that?”

CK: (Frowns) “What time did you get up this morning?”

K: “4:45. I’m exhausted…”

CK: “Say good night, Gracie….”

Anonymous said...

Good night Gracie!

Oh wow, big bird has been stalking you? You have some intense connections there. Maybe you should ask Obama to let you use the secret service for a couple of days, ya know, in case the rest of Sesame Street decide to give 'ole big bird there a hand with creeping you out. *deep breath* Whoever you pissed off, at least you know they're under the age of ten (either physically or just at heart).


Anonymous said...

Omg...now I'm gonna have that stupid song stuck in my head for hours. XD

Dreamfarm Girl said...

Oh my goodness, snow storms and big birds and meatballs, oh my!! I hope you get a good night's sleep after all that!

Alicia said...

I knew I shouldn't have read you right before bed. Now I'm gonna have bad dreams of ominous black figures on a barn. I just hope it's that cute wolf boy from the Twilight movie :-)

carissajaded said...

hahaha i too, am going to have that song impaled in my brain for days, But seriously =, what is up there??? weird, I need to borrow Clinton Kelly for a bit I think...

Mark Price said...

big bird is creeeeeepeeeeeee!

BlackLOG said...

In the UK you can be prosecuted for salting and attempting clearing the pavement. Mrs B's Hairdresser had a threatening letter from the local council because she had salted the area outside her premises in an evidently misguided attempt to help her elderly customers get to their appointments. It's a mad world I tell you, mad....

Unknown said...

Oooh - I'm so proud! Sauce from scratch & meatballs in the same day - you go GIRL! Now stay home today, cuddled up in your sweats & (hopefully) enjoy some leftovers (though with teenage boys, who knows if there's ever any of those...)

Jen said...

Must agree, salt on margarita glasses is much more enjoyable than carrying 50 pound bags for the stoop. Can't believe how much snow you are getting. Hope you made it to the store before everything was gone off the shelves.

The Shitty Astrologer said...

Those birds might be owls - they sometimes sit on the roof of barns like that...

You guys south of the border are getting all the snow this year, yes! Less shoveling, grieving, shrieking and waving our fists to the skies for us Canadians! Enjoy your Snowpocalypse!

Tinkerschnitzel said...

I'm with you and Jen with the salt thing. Margaritas only, please! I've seen enough of that damn salt to last me a while, and it looks like we're getting more snow and ice tonight into tomorrow. I really hate winter.

Unknown said...

Big Bird ROCKS! :o)

"Good night, Gracie..."

I always love reading about your adventures in cooking. I actually like burnt garlic and onions... as long as they're not *too* burned... ah well, perfection is overrated anyway right?

Glad you didn't break the garage door. ;o)

Momiji chan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Momiji chan said...

ooh that place looks haunted haha i love haunted places i feel like i have a ghost in my house as well its probally my grandmothers but i feel safe knowing its probally her and that room was the last place she was before she went home so i dont doubt she's there.its always cold in room and sometimes im scared to go in there but i feel as though im being watched at night so your not alone that you think its creepy to be watched

Spot said...

Omigosh! I'm so proud of your cooking adventure! Sorry you're stuck dealing with snow. Thank gosh for the internet, eh?

Why does Clinton watch so much Sesame Street? That's just creepy!


Betsy said...

Sauce from scratch....you go girl! ;) Winter's almost over, hang in there!

Ron said...

“The only kind of salt I enjoy is on the rim of a margarita glass!


OMG..that made me HOWL!

In fact, this whole post made me howl. I just love reading your cooking fiasco's. Only because I'm a fiasco too!

Oh my love, I know what you're feeling right now because we are currently getting snow dumped. And when I say snow dumped...I mean snow dumped. I'm actually considering NOT going into work today, can you believe it?

Thank god I went grocery shopping on Monday and stocked up of food, because nothing is open today.

Oh well...that glass of evening wine is just calling my name!!

Stay warm and inside, my NYC friend!

And remember...SPRING is just around the corner!


P.S. LOVE Big Bird!

Oddyoddyo13 said...

So, um, despite being, you know, burned was the dinner okay? Did you sister even eat it....?

Creepy photo, but I think the amount of snow in it is scarier.

kathryn said...

Fierce: HA! You simply have the BEST ideas, sweetie! I've left a message for The Prez to loan me a couple of them there "stalking experts"...you'd think Big Bird would know better than to try and stalk someone...

Gavin: HA! And why shouldn't you? It was stuck in MY head all last night! Honey, welcome to my world! I just love to share!

Dreamfarm Girl: HA! Good one, honey! I wish I'd thought of that line for the title of this post!

Anonymous said...

I hope the snow stops soon. Did you ever figure out what kind of birds they were?

Unknown said...

You made me howl once again!

I have to say I must disagree with Ron. Spring is NOT just around the corner. Not from where I'm sitting anyway. Another 6-8 inches of snow last night/today on top of the 18+ we got over the weekend.

And we're having meatballs and sauce tonight for supper. Homemade sauce with frozen meatballs. Yeah, I know my limitations also.

Enjoy the snow! It looks like it will be here a while! :)

kathryn said...

Alicia: Aw...sorry about that! But I HAD to share....I mean...that's just what I do! And they WERE ominous. I hope you dreamt about Sesame Street...

carissajaded: Ya know, I'd finally gotten that song OUT of my head and now it's BACK. I guess I had it coming....and CK says he's concerned about leaving me alone. (!)

Mark Price: I KNOW! THAT'S why I was so creeped out! I think I'd rather it have been a vulture.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

How nice are you! I want some meatballs.
Yeah, blizzard, right? Looking at it right now...

kathryn said...

BlackLOG: What?? That's insane! I'm surprised the towns don't have a ton of lawsuits on their hands. I can't imagine being prosecuted for shoveling...

ValleyWriter: HA! Thank you, sweetie! Yes, I am VERY proud of myself (especially now that the smoke's cleared and Connor scrubbed that pan into submission). Leftoevers? Probably NOT!

Jen: Yum. Seriously. No comparison between a margarita and a bag of rock salt. It's a blizzard out there right now. I refuse to acknowledge it.

kathryn said...

The Shitty Astrologer: Owls? I dunno...they looked too...devious to be owls. Aren't owls supposed to be smart? Well, I hope you've gone and jinxed yourself now about your end of the snow...now you're overdue!

Tinkerschnitzel: I'm totally with you, honey. By the time we hit mid-February, even the die-hards (except for Ronnie, it seems...) are DONE. Enough already!

SMOOG: HA! Yeah, I'm glad I didn't break the door, too. Honestly, I can't tell when the stupid garlic is burning...it's hard to see it through the smoke.

Jenny said...

O.M.G. The big bird pic = priceless. You are golden my friend. Or maybe not so much "golden", as "canary yellow." (a la Big Bird.) Cracked me up yo.

kathryn said...

uo-chan: Well, if you're being watched by your Grandmother, then you've nothing to fear! She's undoubtedly watching OVER you!

Spot: Yeah...at least it isn't snowing in cyberspace...I don't think. Poor Clinton...part of being a good IV is sharing MY memories!Hey! Are you on vaca??

Gingerella:God...I hope you're right, sweetie! Talk about cabin fever...if I'm learning how to COOK, you know it's been TOO LONG!

kathryn said...

RON! Is it true? YOU...actually considering not going into work....'cause of all this stupid, freakin' snow?? Now, I know I've heard it ALL.

It's a freakin' blizzard outside right now, Ronnie!

I'll join you in that glass of wine, though...and we shall raise our glasses in a toast to anything that is NOT WHITE.

CHEERS! xoxo

kathryn said...

Oddyoddyo13: Um. YEAH! The dinner ROCKED! Interestingly, my sister said she was gonna wait and eat it on Thursday. Do you think she doesn't expect it to be very good??

wendy said...

Um, Big Bird is stalking you?! And how many margaritas HAVE you consumed lady? LOL Congrats on the meatballs. We boil ours, but I will tell my husband, who cooks more than I cause I lack patience, to try baking them next time. Love the comment Clinton made "I wonder what surprised her more...the fact that you cooked, or that you broke into her house to leave the food..." I could really hear him saying that in your reality. Cause Clinton resides in YOUR reality (denial) and not mine ;) And I will say it again, THINK SPRING! Really it will be here before we know it.

Jen said...

I'm so glad you're getting all that snow and we aren't. We have enough. I didn't even bother with salt this year because every time I put it down we got dumped on again. Salt is great for ice and a little snow but it doesn't work under 10 inches and -10 degrees, and I'm bored, I like watching people slip outside.

Thanks for the Sesame Street song, it's better than the Copacabana song that was there just before I got here. Don't ask.

Heather said...

Good Night Gracie. I don't know too many people that even remember that. Clinton must be a lot older than I thought!

Lynn said...

The bird is probably a buzzard, waiting to peck at the frozen remains of any human foolish enough to go out and freeze to death. Just saying. Stay inside and stay warm, girl.

Lauren said...

Oh wow. I'm in the library at school reading this. I burst out laughing at Big Bird. I always knew there was something suspicious about that guy.

Jerry said...

Let's see. Bake meatballs and always set Monster Traps on the roof. I learn so much from you!

Gay Guy said...


Apologies for not getting around to "see" you much online and not getting any comments up. 2010 has been a killer so far. Work and weekends out of control. Plus my belt size is not moving in the right direction.

Now this snow on top of it. I slept through my hopes of getting lots done.

Post a Comment

Fabulous Insights by Fabulous Readers

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.