Sunday, January 10, 2010

No Reply at All

I get frustrated when things don’t work properly. We’ve all bought ‘em… (right?)…those stupid annoying things that don’t wind up doing what they’re supposed to do.

The below item is a handy item. At least, in theory.

What? You don’t know what it is?? Huh. That’s probably because I’m the only person that was stupid enough to buy one.

That would be Sneaky-Crappy-Rip-off Artists=1, Kathryn=0.

I was walking past the “As Seen on TV” store (there’s your first clue), moving at a swift 3.2 miles per hour (as is the standard walking speed when traveling through a mall with two boys who are sprinting a good twelve feet ahead of me because well, heaven forbid anyone they know sees them with their mother) and this item caught my eye.

Me: (Screeches to a stop) “Oh, WAIT! This is EXACTLY what I’ve been looking for! LOOK!”

Taylor (17): (Groans) “Crap. Whatever it is, it's gonna take that much longer to get out of here. (Mumbles) Connor, get on the other side…we’ll gently maneuver her past the store window. Once she gets past the display, she’ll forget all about it.”

Me: “What do you think I am? A dog?? C’mon! It’ll only take a minute….LOOK!”

Me: “I hate it when I have to turn into a ‘human pretzel’…and with ‘19 rolling balls to soothe and invigorate’, how can I go wrong? My back is always sooooo itchy…and I've no-one to scratch it.” (Looks pathetically at her two male offspring....who simultaneously hang their heads in defeat.)

It was $9.95 in the store…a veritable bargain, right? (The ad above is from the “As Seen on TV” website, where evidently, you get 2 applicators for $12.95. Boy, do I feel gypped. But wait! There’s more….!)

There are several issues with this (ahem) device. First off (and most important) is that I have very, very dry skin…and use Body Butter from The Body Shop.

It’s da best body lotion EVER….but it’s more the consistency of…well, butter. Regardless, I loaded up my “Roll-a-Lotion”, carefully and scrupulously following the manufacturer’s suggested instructions for use:

“Unscrew cover of the plastic. Unscrew cover of the base roller exposing base under. Insert lotion remarkably into base. When onto screwing base roller. Enjoy!”

(That would be clue #2.)

I got the general theory behind its operation…but I do believe it’s a bit lacking in execution. The body butter is too thick, so nothing happens….except you feel 19 teeny little rollers running down and around your back. Not alltogether unpleasant...but not worth $9.95 plus tax.

I tried smushing the body butter into the underside of the “roller mechanism”….big mistake, btw. Now, I’ve basically got 19 non-rolling roller balls. I tried another body lotion with a more fluid consistency and felt like I had syrup dripping down my back. When I checked, it actually was dripping down in big, gloppy clumps.

At this point, I conclude that this particular product is a piece of crap….especially when I realize that it’s next to impossible to clean. But I’m sure I’ll be able to find a use for it…somehow….some way….someday....using some non-liquid, non-messy, non-sticky product...

But LOOK what I found whilst perusing that site!

I’m SURE this one’ll work! I mean...look at the photo!!!

(Okay, readers….spill. Will anyone own up to buying something ridiculously sucky?)


Collette said...

I do buy "as seen on tv" stuff every once in awhile. I bought that "infinity" razor that never needs to be replaced. I can't even use it because it's smaller & a single blade set in plastic that scratches you more than shaves leg hair. It rusts pretty good when you leave it in the shower for awhile, too...LOL!
My babcia, however, bought the "nu-wave" oven & loves it! It cooks even frozen things from the inside...out(like your blog. no wonder it's amazing)so quickly & leaves the meat very juicy.

Gavin said...

Hmm....well...I don't believe I have ever bought something that lame before. I don't trust "as seen on tv" crap. But I'm sure I've bought something totally not worth it I just can't recall it off hand.

I just tagged you with a really cool tag btw...check out my blog when you get the chance. And to answer your ? in your reply to my last comment...yes, my email really is latin. Or at least whatever the translator sees as latin. XD It means "immortal blood."

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Man, I've had that happen too. What a nightmare! (I have to advise against the color brush.)

Ron said...

Bwhahahahahhhaha!

OMG...I can't stop laughing at the hair coloring brush. If they had only had those while I was still a cosmetologist, I may be still be a cosmetologist.

Gee...I wonder if it works?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And the body lotion thingy you bought looks very similar to a thing I used years ago to apply self-tanning lotion to my back. Which, BTW didn't work either.

I don't purchase stuff on T.V or online, but have bought stuff like that in the store. Some worked and some didn't. But I'll tell ya, the last DVD player I bought was a piece of CRAP!

GREAT post, Kathryn!

Hope you had a grande weekend!

xo

Postman said...

Just to let you know, I had a rum gimlet in hand while I was reading this post.

Funny stuff, by the way. Almost too true to be funny. "A veritable bargain at $9.95" indeed.

I'll own up to buying something sucky right here and now. I was in the market for a pair of low-profile ear buds to hook up to my Walkman during my musically-oriented constitutionals on my college campus. I should've known better than to buy them for $2.95 out of a vending machine in the NDSU library. They lasted as long as I wanted 'em to...but they were utterly devoid of static protection. That meant I couldn't wear anything even remotely resembling fleece or even cotton without getting my earlobes involuntarily stimulated by mild electric shocks.

Good post.

Thaydra said...

I got suckered into one of those weight loss things that promises it's totally different. After watching a (must have been) 30-minute ad-video, it sounded good. Plus, they guaranteed that they would pass along ANY new info, without charging me for it- unlike those other ones. Plus- it wasn't one of those "buy-our-products-and-they'll-make-you-skinny" places.

So, I Paypal the $40 over.. and instantly get a "But wait! If you just pay another $30, we'll also give you THIS book, with more information!!" Wait a sec-- didn't they just say I wouldn't have to buy more info? Then I'm directed to a website selling products for weight-loss. WTF?

The program (e-book): lifting weights.

Fortunately- it also came with a money-back promise, which is the only thing I saw that they kept true to. I consider myself lucky.

Alicia said...

I'm glad you bought it, cause I was going to and now that I know it doesn't work,well I just saved me some money right? Oh, well actually YOU saved me some money.

You know what I did buy that doesn't work for nothing! A GT Express! You know, one of those folding gadgets that's supposed to make everything from chocolate brownies to stuffed chicken breasts. Do not whatever you do, buy one of those.

NSGIRL said...

Unfortunately, I am a sucker for that kind of stuff. Fortunately, I have learned to control my amazement & walk away. Unfortunately, not before buying the amazing Shiatzu(?) Massager...yeah...it's stuffed back in the box, hidden in the far corners of the garage never to be seen again!

Thanks for a laugh once again!

snoble24 said...

i bought those things that you rub your skin with the remove hair i dont remember what there called but they dont work worth a shit still had to shave

Anonymous said...

I bought a mini-grill from the As Seen on TV store at the Galleria. Don't buy anything from there unless you like 3rd degree burns and lead poisoning!

Jenny said...

As soon as I saw the picture, I literally yelled out loud to the dog, IT'S ONE OF THOSE LOTION THINGYS!!! She was not impressed that I knew what it was before reading your explanation. Will you please be impressed with me therefore giving me the validation I so desperately need? Yes? Great, thanks.

You totally just saved me $9.95 plus tax because I have had my eye on this thing. I like that line: "Insert lotion remarkably..." ??? I must not know what remarkably means. And omg that hairbrush! Do you think they sell the wig on the website too? I think it says a lot that a real blonde wouldn't even use it to pose for the picture.

I've ordered the Nads (remember the green wax stuff?) on the recommendation of a friend and it was a Nads FAIL. She was blond haired and blue eyed. I'm Italian. I'll let you do that math.

Mark Price said...

i have a real life Ron Popiel as seen on T.V. Ronco Pocket Fisherman! I love it! I take it with me while I am "working" cause it is small and doesn't weigh much. Once Lovely bought one of those electric belts to firm abs. I almost peed a little laughing. mmmm tv stuff! Thanks for the giggles Kathryn. E mail me sometime.

Lauren said...

Totally trust the hair colouring thingy. I know I would. (This is sarcasm and should not be taken seriously.) I'm more like your sons when it comes to shopping. Except I'm alone and have to drag my mom out of stores where she's already paid but goes back for more. So... uh regards to them.

Kathryn said...

Collette: Very interesting! So, we have one HORRIBLE item and one HOME RUN item. That's actually not too bad. It's good to know there's SOME decent stuff sold from that place.

Gavin: HEY. It wasn't LAME! Okay, so maybe it was lame. And it's not all CRAP! Okay, so maybe it IS crap. I'm on my way, sweetie!

Oddyoddyo13: HA! I think you may be right, sweetie! Isn't that photo hysterical, though??

Kathryn said...

RON! HA! IF they had only had those while I was still a cosmetologist, I may still be a cosmetologist. Oh, I'm SURE it MUST work, sweetie....they've got a PHOTO and EVERYTHING. Actually, this "device" said it could be used for self-tanner application....I couldn't imagine that going well! My weekend was fabulous...hope yours was as well! xoxo

Kathryn said...

Postman: Okay. So, we've established right off the bat that you are an honest, hardworking, sophisticated guy, re: rum gimlet in hand. Good to know. Oh, crap! So, you basically received electro-shock therapy to your ear canals...and subsequently your BRAIN by wearing these handy-dandy bargain earbuds! You are a brave, brave man for admitting to this. Now, about your abnormal brain waves....

Kimberly said...

I'm so glad you explained what the lotion thingy was because I seriously hadn't a clue. :) I hope you didn't waste too much of your body butter!

Love the hair coloring brush though! It's a good thing I'm perfectly happy with my God-given hair color. :)

I'm sure I've been suckered - I mean enticed - into buying some "as seen on tv" stuff. Just can't remember what right now. My kids keep asking me to get the thingy that squeezes all the toothpaste out for you. Every last bit it claims. Um, no. They just don't understand.

And, hey, thanks for stopping by my humble blog today! Comments make me smile. Have a fab week!

Kathryn said...

Thaydra: Wow...you ARE lucky! I hope you reported them to the Better Business Bureau. I would definitely follow through on that. Da bastards!

Alicia: Uh-huh. Just ANOTHER example of ME doing ALL da work! Okay. Note to self: "Do not...under any circumstances...buy a GT Express". Got it!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

I will deny, deny, deny that I bought the Slap Chop! That is all I am saying!

And I am not keeping America happy one slap at a time.

Paul Wynn said...

You gotta admit the snuggie is one of the best inventions ever made!

Kristen said...

I bought a tuna can strainer from the As Seen On TV store at the Mall of America. Actualy both my mom and I did.

Almost three years later...yeah, it is still in the gadget drawer and probably still in its packaging.

What can I say? Shopping in and of itself turns the brain to mush, let alone a whole trip solely dedicated to the sport. *sigh*

Postman said...

Ha! So that's the explanation for the abnormal brain waves. Thanks for clearing that up.

Wow, so THAT'S what drinking a rum gimlet signifies? Good to know! I'd better lay off the appletinis.

Runnergirl said...

I havet to admit to being tempted by some of the things I see in catalogues, but have learnt my lesson that if something looks too good to be true, it probably is!

Surely the advertisers of the hair stuff don't expect us to believe that's her real hair, do they?

Gillian said...

I bought a disco ball on a local bid site on a whim. It's still sitting in a box about 5 years later. WTF was I thinking?

Kathy said...

I totally got behind the PedEgg. That thing works! It's gross, but it works.

I want that hair coloring brush. I'm sure it works flawlessly. Ahem.

Bernadine said...

Hi just popped into your blog again from Gavin's blog.

We here in SA are like 10 years behind your Americans so most of those stuff haven't hit us yet (or not that I know of). I for one do not trust that hair colouring brush. I will not use it on my hair thank you (maybe on my enemies hair).

I did buy that Ab thing from our As seen on TV shop (Glomail actually) and that thing just didn't work at all. That is the biggest crap ever. And I see they just "improve" the thing all the time. Don't know what they are thinking, but if you want lots of money you don't think... correct?..

The only thing I bought from those shops was the Obitrack (that thing is actually working of course if you climb on it. It is like a exercise bike but you are standing on the paddles (not sitting on a bike chair just making your bum bigger)and you have movement of your arms. After about 5 minutes on that thing I'm like very tired. So it works. You are suppose to ride that thing 30 minutes but I just couldn't get that far.

Ok if I don't stop I'll keep writing.

Enjoy your Monday (bleh...)

Collette said...

Ok, I did buy one of those GT express things. I used it a couple of times. Not bad but more of a novelty that gets pushed out of the way for more conventional ways of cooking. Also, I love my snuggie!

Fierce said...

Before you go buy the brush thingie Kathryn, look closely at the woman's smile. To me it looks like she is in IMMENSE pain but it could also be that she is glad for having successfully fooled some poor schmuck who will order this product and end up with a whole section of hair missing. (I'm not speculating I actually talked to her... well I predicted what she would say which is sorta like the same thing isn't it?)
Anyhoo, I once bought a clock from zeller's and I don't know if that was the display clock but when I got home it did not make so much as a tik or a tok. Now it's set permanently to 8 o'clock so when I wake up I scare myself into jumping out of bed because the (non-working) clock on my wall says its 8 o'clock and I have to be out of the house by 8:25. At least I found a use for it.
;)
xoxo

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

A hair coloring brush???
WTH?
I once bought those coloring pens for my kids that they advertise on TV and they didnt' do any of the cool stuff they were supposed to.

ValleyWriter said...

Back in the day, I bought the Tony Little Gazelle. It was supposed to be like an elliptical. And you could get all buff and stuff. Ha. It squeaked so much when I used it, my cat would yowl back at it. I couldn't take it. So obviously - didn't get buff like Tony Little!

On the other hand, I did receive the Snuggie as an xmas gift last year. It was supposed to be a gag gift - but I love it! Soooo cozy!

JP said...

I really miss Billy Mays... I have to admit that every time I see one of his commercials now I get a bit weirded out. It's like he's trying to sell me some Mighty Putty from the grave...

That being said... I want some Mighty Putty. I have no need for any... just want some.

Oh and I have a Shamwow... it's from Germany you know.

f8hasit said...

I remember seeing an ad for that and thought, "Good idea. U bet it wouldn't work though."

When my back gets too dry, I just go to the maseuse. They oil you up so much, I'm hydrated for days. It's a little more expensive than $9.95, but well worth the extra investment.
:-)

Susie said...

I think you and my mother would get along beautifully...she's a huge sucker for all those "as seen on TV gadgets" (and any other ones she can find)

I just shake my head and keep walking. Don't worry, your sons will soon learn that it's pointless trying to distract youu and just let you have your fun!

jmberrygirl said...

GT EXpress 101. This sandwich toaster came with a complex recipe book, but all the ingredients had to be cooked before you insert them to GT101. =) It's the older version with no lifting plates for easy clean up. This means that while you can turn your leftovers into hot, different meals, if anything at all touches the heated plates it's guaranteedto stick and take years to get off and you can't soak it so all you're left with is elbow grease (I'm always on E when it comes to Elbow grease) and disgust.

Tinkerschnitzel said...

Hmm. I have a George Foreman Grill that I don't use because it sucks trying to clean it. I have the shamwows - they're okay, but they don't dry the car all that well. I want the ultimate brownie pan. Seriously. Does anyone know if that actually works?

Spot said...

I haven't ever actually bought any of this stuff...but I totally want a SlapChop!! That just looks like fun. And even if it doesn't work right, slapping that thing has to at least work out some agression, right?!

You crack me up dear!
♥Spot

Picture Imperfect said...

OMG... I have been wondering just how I would get sunblock on my back on my trip... I NEED THIS ITEM! LOL

Surprisingly, I've never fallen victim to the late night TV ads. One time, my boyfriend decided I should have some 'tap lights' and ordered them on the phone. He wound up getting charged about 30 times for them and was too lazy to deal with Visa so wound up paying about $300 for two tap lights that you can buy from Wal-mart for about $3.

Serves him right. LOL!

KellyGrrl said...

I actually loved my lotion roller thingy.... haha until the part that held it to the handle broke... Although, it did take a little trial and error finding out what lotions would work better than others... Something the consistency of baby lotion works really well.... :-) I am a sucker for as seen on tv stuff. I love it...

Heather said...

The only thing I have boughten "As seen on tv" lately is the mighty putty. I used it to put a wooden sign on my door, it worked and I was very pleased. % months later it feel off and now I have the rock hard remnents suck to my door. Hubby says he is going to have to grind them off. I'm not allowed to use it ever again!

KT said...

I would honestly be a sucker for those things, but i never buy them. I always wanted to try certain products or other but my too outspoken rational side YELLS at me to tell me to stop picking up the phone or walking into a certain store. so, sorry. I can;t confess of buying useless gadgets, but i can confess in always wanting to, which i guess makes it just as bad, no?

Jerry said...

Buy the Hair Coloring Brush! It is an absolute Must Buy! In fact, I would buy one if I had enough hair for it to make a difference. (And uh, let us know how it turns out.)

Yes, yes -- I once bought those battery operated lights that one is supposed to use to flood light in their closet. Flashlights would have worked better.

Kathryn said...

NSGIRL: Ah, the Shiatsu massager! I think I had one of those once! I wonder what happened to that thing? Maybe mine is with yours! Ya think??

snoble24: Ah! Good to know! I'd always assumed they didn't work, or they'd put the razor-people out of business!

Anonymous: Ouch...and ew! It sounds like an ER visit just waiting to happen!

Kathryn said...

Jenny: I am TREMENDOUSLY impressed, sweetie! (Tell doggie she must learn to be more supportive.) Re: "remarkably"...I'm guessing the translator may have had a few before tackling this complex instructive piece. I remember NADS! Whatever happened to that stuff? I always figure they discovered it did some damage & they had to pull it!

Mark Price: Hey guy!! So, you carry the pocket fisherman with you...why?? Are there many fish on your railroad route? I knew about the bunnies....I hope Lovely was laughing WITH you on that ab-belt!

JD at I Do Things said...

Well, apart from Thai porn, the suckiest thing I've bought lately has been the infamous as-seen-on-TV BUMPITS! But I only bought them so I could blog about them.

Kathryn said...

Lauren: I'm not a "shopper" sweetie...not in the vague, rambling kinda way. I'm more of an "in, out, DONE" kinda gal. And I TOTALLY trust the hair-coloring-thingie! Not.

Kimberly: I'm happy to stop by! I *TRY* to stop by each time I see your name in the comments...it makes it easier 'cause I can just click on your blogger name and I'm there. And you will be happy to hear that I scraped each & every last bit of Body Butter out of this thing!

Kathryn said...

WannabeVirginiaW: Okay, then! Good to know! So, I'm guessing it wasn't all you were expecting?? Hmmm?? I'll take that as a "yes"!!

Paul Wynn: NO, I will NOT admit that the "snuggie" is the best invention ever. Of course, even if it is, I would be hard-pressed to know that, since their commercials are so STUPID.

Lily Johnson said...

Well, i wish you goodluck next time. It is frustrating when you buy something with your hard earned money and it turned out to be just crap.

Kathryn said...

Kristen: HA! A tuna can strainer? So...someone invented an easier way than the old "open can, push out excess liquid" method? Of course they did!

Postman: Hey. You can do appletinis, margaritas, martinis...it's all gooooood. (And all shows you have exquisite taste and above-average breeding, in my humble opinion.)

Runnergirl: I do believe that yes....these advertisers expect that SOMEONE will think that's her real hair. I don't know HOW...but I do believe it's true. Scary, right??

Kathryn said...

Gillian: Seriously? A disco ball? What WERE you thinking? Maybe wild parties with friends with a 70's theme?? Well, maybe it'll be "in" again!

Kathy: Hey! Well, I'm happy to know there are some winners out there. Not surprisingly, there seem to be more losers. I'll see if I can get a two-fer on the coloring brush!

Bernadine: Welcome! Well, 10 years behind us or not, you're not missing anything! Yes, most of the stuff is CRAP. I wish it wasn't true...but it is. Isn't it interesting that they make those exercise things look so effortless when THEY use them? What IS that?? (Hey, Gavin!!)

Collette: You're the 2nd one who's not too fond of the GT...and also the 2nd one to give a thumbs up to the Snuggie. FINE. But, can you do something about that God-awful commercial??

Fierce: HA! Oh, you are a piece of work...yes, you are. I hadn't noticed the look of pain on the model's face...but that's probably 'cause I cudn't get past her phoney wig. Well, at least that clock is right twice a day, right??

Maureen@IslandRoar: Well, if we were to to in on 2 blonde wigs, we could probably get a good blog out of that coloring brush. I'm guessing the coloring pens would be a total bust.

ValleyWriter: Okay! That's 3 for the Snuggie. Bad commercial and all. Gee...maybe I'm the only one who thinks it's incredibly lame? I don't remember The Gazelle. Was there a teeny disclaimer on the bottom of the ad saying "may cause your pets to scream in pain from sound"??

JP: And how's that German Shamwow working out for ya, bud? I notice you didn't say....
Yeah, Billy Mays...really not fair that they still show him...there is a guilt-factor they're preying on, I think.

f8hasit: Well, I'm remember that! I seriously keep a back-scratcher in my drawer of my nightstand...that's how itchy my back gets. I still think the lotion would help the most, though...

Kathryn said...

Susie: HEY. I am NOT a SUCKER! Well, not for ALL those things....just certain ones that I absolutely. must. have. I think I'll keep walking next time, though...

jmberrygirl: Ew. You're like the 3rd person to mention this GT. Obviously not a good choice. And I HATE how they "improve" on it...right after you've purchased it. RIP. OFF.

Tinkerschnitzel: Well, if the first one was pretty much a bust...and the second one was a disappointment, what do you think the odds are on the 3rd one? Seriously?? C'mon!

Kathryn said...

Spot: Good point! As long as you've got a backup plan in case it doesn't work like in the commercial, I do believe you're good to go!(That's optimism for you!)

SMOOG: HA! This is a GREAT STORY! Probably not for HIM....but it is for the rest of us! I'll express this roll-a-whatever to you IMMEDIATELY!!

KellyGrrl: Huh. Seriously?? Don't you find cleaning it to be a complete drag, though? I love the CONCEPT of it....

Heather: HA! Oh, good to know! Someone was wondering if it worked...I hope they see your comment! Unelievable...and yet, not that surprising!

KT: Um. Nooooo....you somehow resisted the option to plunk down your hard earned money, right? I did not. Soooo....kudos to you, sweetie!

Jerry: Oh...yeah...you'd just LOVE to see photos of me trying that brush, right? Gee...I'd have to buy blonde haircolor since I'm dark...hmmm.....maybe I should try some blue instead. Maybe I have something in my closet. Can I have some light, please??

Collette said...

Sorry, can't do anything about the commercial & as much as I love it for me, I think it is the most idiotic thing to put on a pet!

TC said...

My husband said I needed the straightening deal as seen on tv. I never have found one in the as seen on tv store but I'm sure I'd have model hair (think Tyra Banks wig) if I could find one?

Kathryn said...

JD at I do Things:Well, yeah...but that doesn't really count...'cause you purchased it in the name of IDoThings research, which is an accredited institution...

Lily Johnson: Uh-huh. I believe the lesson here is that 90% of what's on those infomercials IS total crap, sorry to say...

Collette HA! And some ppl have gotten the pet one and say their dog looooves it! Go figure!

TC: Oh, God! I don't think I'd buy that one unless I COULD find it in the store...and make sure you can return it!

susan F said...

Oh, the men in the family love those things, and have bought several items. I don't think I ever have...

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