Monday, January 11, 2010

Chill

There’s something disturbing about pulling back the curtains to welcome the morning sunlight into the room and discovering this:

It’s just so…wrong.

Do you realize how dangerous these icicles can be? I'm You’re walking out my your front door…minding my your own business…and *WHAM*!!

I'm You’re skewered like one of those roasted rotisserie chickens at the market…only not nearly as appetizing.

Let’s think about this. Suppose no-one finds my your lifeless body until…I dunno…dinnertime? So, they find me you…this crumpled lump in the cold, wet snow….with really bad hair….’cause my your brain is where the dagger made its initial impact with my your now deceased person…only, now there’s NO WEAPON ‘cause the heat from our over-active imagination has MELTED it.

I can just imagine the conversation the detectives assigned to this case would have upon arrival at this horrifyingly devastating scene. (Warning: May be traumatic for some viewers):

Detective Snoopsalot: “Wow. In all my years as a homicide detective, I’ve never seen a more gruesome scene. What are your immediate observations, Newbie?”

Detective ThinksHeKnowsAlot: “Well, it’s obvious she was walking outside with her bottle cap collection…”

Det. Snoop: “Those are screw-caps, Detective…with a few corks thrown in for good measure. They’re all from the same kind of wine, from what I can see. This lady liked her vino. Did you draw this outline of the body, son?”

Det. Thinks: “Yes, sir. She was wearing these pointy-heeled shoes…you could do some serious damage with those heels. Ya think she may have somehow performed some kind of Olympic diving maneuver…

…and somehow managed to impale her own head with her own stiletto, then put her shoe back on and somehow left no trace of her brain on her Jimmy Choos?”

Det. Snoop: “Not likely. Although, the victim has a rep for being a pretty talented lady….I don’t think even she could have pulled that off. What the hell’s the deal with the hair?”

Det. Thinks: (Shrugs) “Not sure. It looked pretty crappy when I got here…kinda like bed head?...but, ya know…with snow. I ‘prettied- it-up’ a bit for the official crime-scene photo. She strikes me as the kind of gal who’d appreciate it.”

Det. Snoop: “Ya got good instincts, kid. So. What do you make of this whole mess? The screw caps? The bad hair? The whole in the head? And think fast…’cause it’s almost Margarita time at The Blue Moon Lagoon on 10th Street.”

Det. Thinks: (Thinks) “I surmise that this gal loved her wine. So much in fact, that she kept all the screw caps as souvenirs. Then one day, she realized it might not look so good…having all these mementos from her past escapades lying around…so she decides to bury ‘em in the yard. But not just anywhere…somewhere special. As she’s navigating the front steps…carrying all those blasted bottle caps and wondering where she can creatively bury ‘em… in her not-made-for-winter-footwear…she slips on a patch of ice, does a flawless 9.8 header off the stoop, causing an icicle to dislodge from the roof...thereby impaling the victim in the noggin…rendering her…well…ya know.”

Det. Snoop: “You’re a freakin’ genius. Case closed. Let’s go have a tall one and toast the gal with the caps and the Choos. Somehow, I almost feel like I knew her…”

Det. Thinks: (Sniffs) “What’s that smell? Oh, crap! Did she have a dog?!?”


Gavin said...

Where you do come up with this stuff, Kathryn? XD This was great. I love the names of the detectives. Thanks for the chuckle. Someone funny always seems to have a new post when I need it.

Heather said...

LMAO!! Watch that first step out the door, it could be a killer!
Poor Metro!

Jenny said...

My first thought upon opening this post - WHOA! Weaponry! And then you talked about weapons. And then I saw the drawing and I was like cute heels! And then you said heels. And then I was like you could totally impale your head with a heel. And then you said the heel/head impalation (shut up, it's a word) thing and I realized something very, very important. You and I, my dear blog neighbor, would get in SOOOO much freaking trouble were we to be left in each other's company for too long. I mean, our imaginations combined, could cause great chaos, especially being that it appears we are both tuned into the same frequency. Oh snap! We could take over the world! Or, you know, a bar or something. Whatever. I'm down.

Lou said...

I feel sorry for the Cloudy screwcaps, discarded in the snow as if they didn't matter; like common rubbish even. After they'd travelled so far...

Fierce said...

Wait, those were heels? I thought the victim had just stepped on twigs or something. Those detectives are brilliant so I suppose you now know what the killer/victim should do with her bottlecaps? Wait until SPRING or SUMMER to throw them out. Ya know those months that DON'T have death daggers hanging down the edge of vic's roof, yes, those are perfect for dumping vino-evidence. And also never step out of your house with a bad case of bed head, just in case a dangerous dagger-cicle is waiting to turn a person into a human rotisserie.
:)
xoxo

JP said...

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that happened in Grey's Anatomy...

That's how Yang meets Dr McArmy... She gets impaled by an icicle... and Army dude has to remove it.

Not that I watch Grey's Anatomy or anything... hey! give me back my Man Card!

KT said...

what i love about this story is that you managed to draw the attention AWAY from your shameless drinking habits and turned it into a very funny story. Well done, my friend, well done. BTW are your DI's from Camelot and are they part of the round table or something?

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Amazing what you get from icicles hanging outside your house. But that's what we love about Kathryn, that she never fails to be herself!

ValleyWriter said...

You crack me up! Thanks for the laugh!

Tia said...

You are hilarious! Everyday (practically) I see icicles hanging from my roof and I have NEVER thought of anything like that. You make my day. And I loved the heels. :)

Spot said...

Those icicles are nothing compared to the ones I saw on the overpass the other night. Seiously if one of those babies popped loose and struck your windshield...well I know you can imagine! Where were you going with all the screwcaps?! And why would you wear Jimmy Choos in the ice and snow?? I'm pretty sure that's a crime!

Loved your story. Especially the snappy ending. If that detective was on Law & Order it'd only be a half hour show!

♥Spot

Picture Imperfect said...

"only, now there’s NO WEAPON ‘cause the heat from our over-active imagination has MELTED it."

LMBO Kathryn. I don't suffer from an over-active imagination, I THRIVE on it! ;o)

It would appear as though you do too.

But you know, up here we would call that Darwinism and save the detectives a few minutes. That way they could get the best seats at the BML on 10th. ;o)

Gingerella said...

Didn't Ralphie in A Christmas Story blame the icicles for breaking his glasses so he wouldn't get in trouble for shootin' his eye out? ;)

Ron said...

Ok, Kathryn....I have only one thing to say about this post....

Bwhaahahahhahahahahahahaha!
Bwhhaahahahahahahahahahaha!

This was beyond PERFECTION!

When I saw that first photo of the outlined body...I almost DIED! BRAVA!!

So clever, you are!

Like Gavin shared, I love the detectives names. And the dialogue...well...hysterical!

So listen, my friend...watch your step while walking under those icicles. They look mighty sharp!#$!? Which reminds me - they have warning signs posted in the city streets here in Philly during the winter months that say, "Warning: Ice Falling Off Buildings"

YIKES!

Enjoy your day, my friend!

xoxox

Runnergirl said...

They used a similar idea in an episode of CSI once. But I prefer your version!!

JennyMac said...

This made me laugh so hard which is great since I am supposed to be on a con call in 2 mins. :)

Watch out for those daggars on the eaves. YIKES. I will never see something like that in Atlanta.

JD at I Do Things said...

HAHAHAHA!

Oh, you should not be doing this for free. Quick! Someone pay this lady!

If I'm to be impaled by ANYthing, it better not even think about touching my hair. I don't care about the condition of the rest of my corpse, but my hair has got to look good.

thelocalsloveit said...

How on earth you come up with this stuff is the real mystery.

:)

dailyseeking said...

This was too funny, growing up in Ohio we used to pull the icicles off of the tail pipes of the cars and suck on them like Popsicles---maybe that explains some things!

Nacho said...

hahaha

yoli said...

lol

Paul Wynn said...

Whoa those are serious icicles! Dailyseeking I don't know if thats something to tell others... LOL

Chelsea said...

LMAO... I dont understand how you come up with these random stories, thats some mind you have on you.
Now I know what I've been missing since I've been gone from Blogger..
Hilarious!

Lily Johnson said...

That was hilarious Kat!You are one funny and talented lady. The corks and the heels! LMAO

Kathryn said...

Gavin: Aw, I'm glad you liked it. It all started with seeing those icicles...and it "snowballed" from there. HA!

Heather: Oh, yeah! THAT'S the lesson here! That...and watch out for Metro's POOP!

Jenny: Yes, I do believe you may be my imaginary/impalation twin! (I'm sorry..."Word" and "Firefox" claim this is NOT a word...which is why I had to use it.) Yeah...I've checked my calendar and I'm free to take over the world/a bar (maybe the Blue Lagoon on 10th?) any time after Jan 24th.
Does that work for you?

Kathryn said...

Lou: Ah, don't worry sweetie. They've all been returned to their "holding place" after their photo shoot. Seriously!

Fierce: Well, I could not have said it better! You've completely captured the very essence of the entire murder scene and investigation. Detective Snoopsalot suggests you consider the field of forensics as a career!

JP: Really?? I must've missed that eppy....or it's permanently buried in my subconscious. (Cough) I happen to feel Grey's is a gender-neutral show, so you're good with me!

Kathryn said...

KT: I got to the "shameless drinking" part of your comment and I'm already laughing out loud! You are too funny! Hmmmm....Camelot? Or maybe more Monty Python??

Oddyoddyo13: Thanks, sweetie! Boy, you really do GET me, don't you? That's just what happened...I saw the icicles and it went from there!

ValleyWriter: You're very welcome! Glad I can deliver!

Tia: Well, NOW you'll have a whole new appreciation for those icicles of yours, right? Yeah...the heels make the whole outline, right?

Kathryn said...

Spot: Yeah...these guys knew their stuff. Or, actually...it was the incentive to get to The Blue Moon Lagoon on 10th. I don't know HOW the screw caps got in my head! They just DID!

SMOOG: I can understand that...but in the end, it doesn't matter...'cause if they solved the crime quicker up your way, it would still take 'em a hell of a lot longer to get to the Blue Moon Lagoon on 10th.... You see the conundrum.

Gingerella: Ya know...you may be right! I missed it this year...wanted to see it again. Those icicles are the cause of much pain and entertainment, I guess.

Jerry said...

I do love imaginative writing -- and this entry oozes with it. I just wish the theme of self-empailment with a stilletto heel could have been expounded on more.

Drama, improbable mystery, humor, wonderful writing -- I hope the producers of 'The Closer' pick up on this.

Kathryn said...

RON! So? Do you watch out for falling ice, Ron? Do ya listen? 'Cause there's no point in warning you if you're not gonna listen. Somehow, I just can't picture you doing a furtive glance skyward every now and then...I think you're too focused on people getting out of your way! Scary stuff, either way! xo

Kathryn said...

Runnergirl: Wow....so, obviously my idea was NOT an original! It must've been percolating somewhere in the back of my brain...but yeah...I don't see MY version ever being on CSI!

JennyMac: Hey. 2 minutes is plenty long enough to compose oneself after a satisfying belly laugh...don't you think? Oh, and if you eva see these things in Atlanta, I'll have to cross Georgia off my list of perfect retirement places.

Dreamfarm Girl said...

Yikes, clearly this was a one of those morality tales, and I am getting the lesson. With all my wine drinking, I do not need to be living near those scary looking ice weapons! Or it coitains for me!

Watch out, Kathryn -- your fans need you!

TC said...

Thanks, now I will be old and doddering, hopefully not next year, and associate icicles and Jimmy Choo's and never remember why.......

Kathryn said...

JD at I Do Things: I know, right? Don't evah mess with da hair! Let's start a company called "Cash for Chuckles". Gee...that sounds like money for some sort of clown....hmm.

thelocalsloveit: I wonder that myself, sweetie. I just let it flowwwwww......

dailyseeking: Oh, no! That couldn't possibly have tasted very....pure!

Kathryn said...

Nacho: Thank you!

yoli: Thanks!

Paul Wynn: HA! Well, it's not like DailySeeking is *promoting* the use of tail-pipe-icicles for lollypops!
She knows better....now!

Chelsea: Hey girlie! Where've ya been? Happy Twenty-ten to you!

Lily Johnson: Aw, thanks sweetie! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Kathryn said...

Jerry: Uh huh....uh huh. So, you'd like more graphic detail on the victim being impaled with her stiletto? (Gee...how often does one get to use these words in a sentence?) Honestly, I couldn't imagine it past the hole in her head somewhat matching the shape of her heels. It kinda ended for me there!

Dreamfarm Girl: "Coitains"....HA! Honey, you're as bad as me....so, the "life lesson" you took from this is if you're gonna drink, avoid the icicles? Ya think there's a connection??!

TC: HA! Well, think of it this way: Once you ARE old and doddering, so much time will have passed that you'll remember it...'cause REALLY OLD people remember things from WAY back, right? So, you're good.

Lauren said...

Tehehehe! They kind of did something like this on Grey's only her stomach was impaled and it was a lot less funny. And there were no detectives with awesome names. So... I like your icicle impalement story better. Although, when in less dangerous places, I tend to find them pretty.

Pratik Gupta said...

hey can we go back again and look after those screw caps, they must lying somewhere down there.. isn't it ? :D

Mahsa said...

LOL,I mean BIG LOL :D
great imagination! as always! icicles,bottle caps, detective ThinksHeKnowsAlot, pointy heeled shoes, bad hair....

saku chan said...
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saku chan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
saku chan said...

haha cool this is defently csi crime material haha oh that reminds me i have a new post check it out and i also have 9 more weeks left till the big trip oh that reminds me i have to go shopping to haha later

Picture Imperfect said...

"it would still take 'em a hell of a lot longer to get to the Blue Moon Lagoon on 10th.... You see the conundrum."

LOL... considering we don't even HAVE a 10th... you're likely correct... hehe

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Oh my God you're hysterical! Who's the dark, mischevious one now?
And you hav Jimmy Choos???
I'm jealous.

Kathryn said...

Lauren: Yes, I've been informed that this very scenario has been loosely based on a Grey's show. The crime angle seems to be more my original thought, I guess. Yes, they are pretty...until someone gets hurt!

Pratik Gupta: Ha! You're the 2nd person with concerns for the screw caps! Believe me, the detectives made sure they all found good homes. No sense wasting perfectly good screw caps...right?

Mahsa: Thank you! It's so funny how sometimes things somehow can all come together in The Kathryn Zone!

Kathryn said...

saku chan: Glad you liked it! I'll be by to check out your place! (PS: The post about Elvis? The box for a post from 1/13 just says you're offline?)

SMOOG: Well...there you go! I get the feeling these guys only go where there's a BML and a 10th! (picky, picky!)

Maureen@IslandRoar: HA! Yes...one pair from looooong ago. Hey...you know we're both showing more of our dark, mischievous sides lately!

Alicia said...

I saw that happen in an episode of Greys Anatomy. An icicle just impaled itself in Cristina's abdomen and since she has no heart therefore she has no blood coursing through her veins to keep her body warm; the damn thing never melted so then this totally gorgeous hunky doctor had to yank it out of her and then they fell in love...THE END. That kinda great stuff never happens to me!

Kathryn said...

Alicia: HA! LOVE your description of Christina not having any heart, so therefore no blood! I LOVE Grey's Anatomy...I'm DV-R'ing a crossover eppy w/Private Practice. Can't wait to watch 'em!

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