Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Incompatible

Back in November, I received an email from one of the companies I consult with:

Kathryn,
It has come to my attention that you’ve been sending emails to clients using your own non-approved, non-official email address. Please be advised that the below email address has been activated on your behalf through our firm and may now be used.
Sincerely,
IT

Since I am not the sharpest techhie-knife in the drawer, it took me a moment to realize I was not in fact, receiving an email from someone named “It”, or “Cousin It”, or “It’s Raining Men…(hallelujah!)”. (The latter being my personal favorite)

That mystery solved, I took a nap.

Just kidding….but I did basically forget all about it….as I was between projects and was honestly not all that impressed.

Slowly…bit by bit…I started the laborious process of entering the contact information into the Microsoft Office Outlook Web Access.


The other day, realizing I’d run out of time and needed to do a small announcement mailing to a select few, I logged in and crafted the most professional, concisely well-versed email in the history of emails.

That done, I rifled through a stack of documents to find the group of people that needed to receive this electronic masterpiece. Ah. Only 34 email addresses….piece of cake! I’ll simply click on this here “BCC” button and choose the recipients, as it’s trés important that everyone thinks they’re my one and only.

But wait! What has become of my beloved contact list? Who are all THESE people? I don’t know any of these people! These people are not MY people!

I glance at the time. Crap! It’s 12:30…no-one’s gonna answer the phone at 12:30. Does the entire world shut down from 12:00-1:00? Oh, double-crap! It’s 12:30! Metro (the wonderdog) needs his medicine!

So, I race into the kitchen, grab the medicine cup, grab a piece of leftover turkey from the fridge and run back to my office…where Metro’s still sprawled next to my computer chair.

“Open uuuupppp,” I sing-song…as I wave the piece of turkey in front of Metro’s nose. He immediately sits up. I pry open his mouth…expertly insert 4 pills on the back of his tongue and rub his neck, in the universal “you must swallow” motion. I then say, “Good boy!” and hand him his piece of turkey.

I then place a call to Cousin It…and got a guy by the name of Brian. At least, I think he said Brian. The following is the actual transcript of our conversation:

Brian: “Thi- i- Bri--. How ma- -elp –ou?”

Kathryn: “What? Who is this?”

Metro: “Plehh!” (Spits two pills out of his mouth. Looks pleased with himself.)

K: “CRAP! METRO!”

B: “No, -is Br-an. C-n y-o –ear –e?”

K: “What? No! I can’t…why are you breaking up? Take these pills, dammit!”

I put the phone in the crook of my neck and repeat the tried-and-true procedure of force-feeding Metro his pills.

B: “-hat –ills?.....-t –ight –e….-hone…” CLICK.

Metro: “Plehh!” (Spits same two pills…albeit, smaller…out of his mouth. Stares expectantly at me to see what’s gonna happen next.)

I’m staring at him…trying to process the possibility that I’ve been disconnected by Cousin It guy and deal with the fact that these pills are now the new bane of my existence. As I’m picking up the pills, the phone emits a piercing EH!EH!EH!EH!EH!EH! and I gasp and drop the phone…and proceed to wait for the ringing in my ear to subside.

Metro runs towards the kitchen, then back to me…in the universal-doggie sign for, “Come this way and I’ll show you where we can find more of that turkey!”

I finally manage to get the pills down the dog and re-dial Cousin It.

Brian: “This is Brian. Can you hear me now?”

Kathryn: “Uh-huh. Are you sure this is IT? Are you guys any good? What the hell is wrong with your phones?”

B: “Uh. Something’s screwed up. What do you need?”

I’m thinking, “Duh. Maybe you’re screwed up…” but I calmly explain that I can’t seem to keep my contact list up at the same time as my email…yada, yada.

B: “I’m not following.”

K: “What? You’re not following…what?”

B: “Um. Anything you just said. That doesn’t sound right.”

K: “Look…here’s my password…go look for yourself.”

B: “Okaaay….I’m in. You see the green toolbar where it says contacts?”

K: “No. There’s no green toolbar.”

B: “Yes, there is. To the left of the long list that starts with Accounting.”

K: “Nope. There’s an empty grey box. Are you sure you’re with IT?”

B: (Sighs) “I’ve sent you a capture of the page. Take a look.”

I look. The screen shot is not even CLOSE to what I’m seeing on my computer.

K: “The screen shot is not even CLOSE to what I’m seeing on my computer! How can this be??”

B: “Are you sure you’re logged into the right place?”

K: “Crap! I’m sending you a capture of what I see. Hang on!” (Muttering to myself, “Open capture software….saving file to desktop….”)

B: “Just hit Print Screen and paste it into the email…or Control S and Control V.”

Metro: “Plehh!” (Spits one teeny-tiny pill onto the floor. Sniffs it, sneezes and casually saunters away.)

K: “I’ll send these and call you back. METRO! You’re taking this pill, dammit!”

….Metro was having none of it. Can you see the defiance in his eyes??

In the end, he took the pill. And I found out that I was seeing something completely different because I was on Firefox….not Microsoft Internet Explorer…and I was trying to view Microsoft Office Outlook Web Access.

It was a classic case of incompatibility….

K: “Hi…is Bill there?”


Jen said...

I hate giving dogs pills. Although, cats are worse. Love the reference to Cousin It. Computers baffle me sometimes.
Thanks for the kind words on my last post. I really appreciate it!

Gavin said...

All I got out of this post was that Metro is awesome. XD So don't toss me a surprise quiz later ok?

Carol said...

I have learned many, many things from IT, mainly that everything in life is solved with a reboot.

snoble24 said...

you need to put the pills inthe turkey so when hes eating the tuky hell take the pills at the same time and wont even know it. we do that with my dog

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

Phew....I'm exhausted from all the effort and confusion. Hope you recovered and that Metro finally got his right dosage of meds!!

Ron said...

Oh, Kathryn, Kathryn, Kathryn....

Bwhahahahahahahahaha!

Reading this was like watching an I Love Lucy episode. I could actually see all this happening to you. "Cousin It" just about KILLED me!

Like Jen shared, giving a pill to a cat is just horrendous! No matter what you do to try and get it in their mouths, they spit it out. I even tried to hold their mouths shut for five minutes, but then when I let go....OUT popped the pill!!!!!

Metro is such a little cutie. What great eyes he has. He kinda looks like one of my Italian uncles.

Hey...and don't ya cha LOVE "It's Raining Men??" One of my favs. I miss the Weather Girls, don't you?

Great post, you crazy lady, you!

Thanks for the laugh!

P.S. and guess what? Your page downloaded in 1 second! I love you DSL!

xoxoxo

TC said...

I understand perfectly, I was one of the first to use Cargill Nistvo. That was all fine and good but I was babysitting @ the same time and running a trucking business, reminded me of your conversations. @ least Brian was American? Not like tech help for some of the computer and internet services (hughes--Indian).

WannabeVirginia W. said...

IT guys are so cool. I love that they can take over your computer from Bill Gates bowels and move the cursor around. (I think I need to go to bed or drink more wine).

Jen said...

Try hiding the pills in a piece of cheese. Works for most dogs.

Jen said...

Oh...to pill a cat...Grab kitty by the scruff and dangle her like a kitten...she'll be motionless...put the pill all the way back in her throat...after she swallows, drop her and run...

Bernadine said...

Hi

This was really funny....

IT is just incompetent.. They think they know eeeeverything but actually they're quiet useless... Sorry to all the IT guys reading this blog (this is just the way I feel about you...)

For example: the colleague next to me had a virus on her comp that ate away all the software on her computer. They (IT) just needed to replace her box and upload all her programmes back on it.... and.. whalaaa, but instead they took 6 months... 6 months (half a year) to fix up her computer box... She is working on it now... just fearing viruses...

P.S. I just love your posts. They are very funny. Really picks you up when your feeling down!!!!!

Have a great day Kath!!!!

BlackLOG said...

Are you sure that "Br-an. C-n y-o –ear –e" did not end up swallowing some of Metro's pills. I'm sure I've warned you about the dangers associated with multi-tasking. It’s why I just stick to breathing and little else. As proof of its effectiveness I haven't missed a breath in years, not since the rather regrettable incident with the canary the volleyball player and the under weight aardvark. Hardly my fault and the judge was very understanding and agreed it was a silly law but his hands were tied and he had to follow court guidlines.

Collette said...

OMG! Don't you hate when that happens? You're in the middle of a phone call & everything else is going haywire! Hope you got everything worked out! (((HUGS)))

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Computer crap drives me absolutely insane. I wind up feeling so stupid. I want to say, "Look dude, I could start an IV anywhere on your body and save your life; just tell me what to do with the damn computer!"
We have to hold my cat wrapped up in a towel, then hold his mouth closed and put pressure on his neck, definitely a 2 person operation. Your dog looked Pissed!

Lauren said...

I'd do that too! Except that I don't like Firefox... so not that exactly. I get messed up over the Microsoft/Apple conversions. Can't we all just work together dammit! Your dog sounds... clever. Is he hiding the pills under his tongue or something? I am not letting Meeko see this.

KT said...

lol....niiiice.

jh said...

All this lack of computer savvy from a blogger?? How so? Metro is looking as 'fetching' as ever. Is he on that $2 a day pill? Yikes.

jmberrygirl said...

Love it when dogs get that "you can't make me!" look. =) Nothing like a little IT trouble to get the day going perfectly. I spent two hours yesterday scratching my head because the monitor didn't work. Guess what? Loose connection between the chord and the unit. I hate IT.

Picture Imperfect said...

Metro looks like SUCH a rebel! LOL but I'm sure you know that it's his JOB to do everything he can to avoid taking those pills. ;o)

Metro runs towards the kitchen, then back to me…in the universal-doggie sign for, “Come this way and I’ll show you where we can find more of that turkey!”

LMAO - ah yes, the universal language, indeed. Gotta love 'em!

Glad you got your cousin IT issue worked out. ;o)

Fierce said...

Who'da thunk that your problem was that you were working with a fox instead of an explorer. All it took was a change of company, Kathryn, and you would not have had your problem. I do think Metro was conspiring with the fox to give you a hard time, they are cousins after all... or is that the wolf?

:)
xoxo

Heather said...

Okay, I was very confused there with all the chaos, but then you mentioned firefow. I know nothing about all that.
Metro is fabulous and living up to the dog code of "I'll show you"!

Gingerella said...

Stupid technology that we're all dependent on....pffft!

As for Metro, ask your vet if his meds can be compounded into a liquid form (and most animal medicines can, it just requires a little extra work on the vets part and some will say no it can't be done because they don't want to have to do it), then all you have to do is either squirt it down their throat or on top of their food...MUCH easier to administer that way.

Jan said...

Kathryn, you are so freakin' fabulous! I love hearing about all of your escapades! We will be seeing a stage play of yours on life in the almost-groove, one day soon, I hope.

Lily Johnson said...

OMG, the IT guy would just be wondering if you are ok!Lol. Computers do that to everyone dear except to our IT cousins i guess.

Kathryn said...

Jen: You're very welcome, sweetie. (I've no idea what I said. I'll have to check!) Well, I could not handle cats then...'cause Metro's exhausting.

Gavin: HA. No surprise quizzes on this one. You got plenty out of it!

Carol: Ha! The universal fix-it: the reboot! This was one time where even THAT wasn't gonna cut it!

Kathryn said...

snoble24: That's a great idea! As long as he doesn't bite into the pill...'cause if he DOES, he'll never eat another bite of turkey again!

Bonnie,Original Art Studio: Yep...all is well. That makes two of us re: exhausted! Twice a day...every day....these meds. UGH!

Kathryn said...

RON! OF COURSE you can "see" it happening to ME. You KNOW me TOO WELL, Ronnie! Metro looks like one of your Italian Uncles?! Which one? Uncle Vinny or Uncle Guido? xoxo

Kathryn said...

TC: Oh, yeah...he was VERY American. Had the 'tude and everything! But, to his credit, he laughed when he realized what the problem was. Nice guy, overall.

WannabeVirginiaW: I opt for more wine! "Bill Gates bowels"?? Had a bad experience w/Microsoft yourself...haven't you, missy??

Jen: HA! I can tell you've been to this magical place called "PETPILLHELL"? Ah cheese....gotta add that to the list. Thanks!

Kathryn said...

Bernadine: Aw...thanks for the lovely compliment, sweetie! I'm glad if I can make you smile! Well, I put the Cousin IT guys in their own category, 'cause most of the time, no-one knows if they know what they're doing! (Kinda like mechanics and cars...ya know?)

BlackLOG: HA. So, you'll be eligible for parole...when? 2012??

Collette: It's crazy! And it never fails! But in my defense, I thought the pills were DOWN before I picked up the phone!

Kathryn said...

Maureen@IslandRoar: HA! I would love to be a fly on the wall whilst you tell some kid to "Get it together or I'll let you DIE." (Too dramatic??) Metro WAS pissed!

Lauren: No, definitely do NOT let Meeko see this! That's all we need is them ganging up on us and making plans behind out backs! Argh!

KT: Ha! Thanks, sweetie!

Kathryn said...

jh: Hey, doll! Nah...everything BUT the $2/day pill. Now they want him on a low-sodium diet and want me to give him 2 1/2 TUMS twice a day. Wanna help?!

jmberrygirl: Aw! Frustrating as hell, right? Both the defiant dog and the IT troubles...but, it's always gonna be something.

SMOOG: Metro IS a rebel! I can't believe how smart he is sometimes. But, he keeps reminding me!

Kathryn said...

Fierce: Ha! I'm agreeing with you...and I haven't a clue! (HA-2 Dr. Seuss points!) Metro definitely knew I was distracted...and took total advantage of it!

Heather: Uh-huh. Metro is not taking any crap from me! But somehow, we've gotta come to a compromise!

Gingerella: Wow! Thanks! I will definitely look into the liquid for Metro. That would be such a relief!

Jan: Ha! Thanks, sweetie! (Blushes) From your mouth....!

Lily Johnson: Yeah, I don't think the IT guy cared WHAT I was doing! Although, he DID laugh with relief when he realized what the problem was. (Probably thought I was crazy!)

Alicia said...

Don't you hate when that happens. I don't think I could be an IT.

Metro does look downright defiant! But he's a cutie pie!

Kathryn said...

Alicia: Really? I'll bet they get off a bit on the superiority-thing...don't you think? I've no idea if they're really all that smart. How would we know? Now, Metro? He's smart! (and cute!)

Jenny said...

O.M.G. The laughter over here is out of control. This is hysterical.

As I was reading, I was feeling the familiar cringe of working with IT. I think they have to fail a personality test in order to get their jobs. Have you seen that SNL skit, Nick Burns - Computer Guy? Golden.

Wendy Blum said...

Ha Ha Ha Hee Hee!! I LOVE Metro! Dogs are so funny. I am only too glad we have a cat-only my Maisy, we found Banjo a very loving new home-and she doesn't need to take pills everyday. The vet gave her a worm pill and that should do her til her next visit. The pic of Metro is hilarious. You can see the determination all over his face. And some people say animals can't speak...Of course, they don't own pets. We know better ;) Glad you got your computer stuff all worked out. I am so illiterate with computers at times so I can relate to your frustration. Especially with cutting and pasting! Shouldn't those things be done with scissors and glue? LOL

Jerry said...

Stuffing pills down a dog's throat has to be a woman's talent, even if it doesn't work according to plan at times. I am never successful at convincing our dogs that this is an exciting adventure, no matter how much cheese, peanut butter, or turkey I use. But then, my wife somehow can accomplish this in two seconds flat.

IT -- I don't like those people because, well they make me feel stupid!

Kathryn said...

Jenny: HA! Uh-huh...you've nailed this guy's personality! He was over me before we even started! Fortunately for me, my fix was an easy one!

Wendy Blum: It was hilarious...he's spewing all these keyboard shortcuts (which I cannot get the hang of, but admittedly, da boys use 'em all the time) and I'm losing my concentration 'cause Metro's spitting out the pills. What. A. Production. !

Jerry: I do believe IT people take a course on exactly that. It's probably entitled "How to make each and every consumer feel inadequate no matter how much they think they know 1-0-1."

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