Thursday, January 7, 2010

Ebenezer? Is That You?

Okay…enough is enough. New Year…new beginnings? Or same old crap, different year?

Clinton Kelly (My delightfully-surprised-that-he’s-actually-being-utilized-two-days-in-a-row IV): “Uh-oh. This can’t possibly be good. We’re only seven days into the New Year….se-ven. What could have possibly peeved you off so early?”

Kathryn: “Look, I’m behind free enterprise as much as the next guy…but these emails have to STOP. How did they get my email address, anyway? DO they have my email address? Or is it the internet-equivalent of those telemarketer’s calls where they randomly spit out emails to ‘AnExternalRemodel'...and then 'TheInternalReconstruction'…and then they happen upon 'TheInternalMakeupRemover' and then somehow they hit 'TheInternalMakeover'??…’cause it’s really starting to piss me off.”

CK: (Stares) “I’m well aware that you’re upset, so it’s probably not the best time to point out that you’re not making a lick of sense.”

K: “Are ya looking? ‘Cause all you have to do is look at my inbox to know what I’m talking about. Train those cornflower baby-blues on this...”

CK: (Reads from highlighted e-mail): “Mom. My fifth period teacher wants to know why I’m eating two slices of American cheese and a packet of tartar sauce for lunch. I think you need to send in some lunch money. See ya. Connor.”

K: (Flustered) “No! Not that one….that was a mistake. That teacher doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Look at this one. It’s from an ‘Elfredo Ebenezer’:”

I was kept up to speed that you still have not requested for those tablets so I presume you did not receive my email some days back. Anyway, as I wrote, it can be obtained with the use of

Rely on me on this one because I and our other friends have been making use of their meds since the year before this. All you have to do now is to have that order.

Ran advance instance ve expulsion array Reps near weight network minimize bin Ill. Habitual Accompanied Luck value application following setting graf.

Enjoy Reuters explosives rest, switched assault.Conservation shifted hospital text Spain efficient strengthening, engineering part work family.

Talk to you really soon

Hotmail: Trusted email with Microsoft’s powerful SPAM protection. Sign up now!

CK: “Huh. What’s with the random non-sensical stringing of words? Are they hoping you’ll click on the link based on the fact that they’ve included the words ‘work’, ‘family’ and ‘conservation’? In no particular order?”

K: “I have no idea. I just know I’m getting fed up. We’re talking three or four emails a day. ‘Hotmail…trusted email with SPAM protection’ my ass! They ARE the SPAM and they don’t even know it! Give me the phone. I’m calling Bill Gates.”

CK: “Three to four a day is not really a lot. I probably get twenty or so a day at work…”

K: “Okay….focus. MY blog, MY voice. Your stuff gets filtered anyway…who are you kidding? Where’s my rolodex?”

CK: “No-one uses a rolodex anymore, sweetie. It’s all on your Blackberry. Wait. You’ve got Bill Gates’ phone number on your Blackberry?”

K: “Shush! I’m on the phone…Hi, it’s Kathryn?...From The Internal Makeover?... Is Bill there?...Yes, I’ll hold.” (Hums the melody to Killing Me Softly With His Song whilst tapping her foot to the beat)

CK: “Are you freakin’ kidding me? You are not…who did you call…really?”

K: “Bill?'s me. Listen…about this Hotmail bullshit? I’m getting hit with an awful lot of SPAM…and it’s not making you look good. I’ve determined that the only people using it are ‘people that don’t wanna be identified’…if ya know what I mean. Ya gotta make it STOP.”

CK: “Who the hell are you talking to? Seriously…you’re starting to freak me out. Is this another one of your voices? I was really hoping I was the only one…”

K: “Shhhh! Sorry, Bill…it’s just Clinton. Kelly? TLC? Macy's? Never mind. Can you just delete the whole Hotmail thing? It’s really not sitting well with me.... (Pauses) It’s done? Great! Thanks, buddy! Love to the wifey and kiddios…”


And THAT, my friends….is just the way it went down…in…The Kathryn Zone.

Ron said...

Ok...I just want you to know that I clicked on that link and felt like a complete IDIOT, so THANK YOU MISSY!!!!!!


I honestly can't believe you get that much spam. I get SOME, but more so through my blog than my email system. Google only allows you to place them in a spam box, but won't allow to to BLOCK them.

...…and then they happen upon 'TheInternalMakeupRemover' and then somehow they hit 'TheInternalMakeover'??…


You KILL me!

FABU post, my wild friend!

Hey, and the next time you're talking to Mr. Gates please tell him that I HATE Vista!


carissajaded said...

heheheeh. You tell Bill Gates Girl!!! he needs to hear it from you, for me too. You need to get some gmail. I have used my account for pretty much everything and I rarely get spam that doesn't go in the spam folder. It blocks it pretty well!!!

Oh that Clinton Kelly... you sure proved him wrong this time!

Anonymous said...

XD I never get spam. Seriously. I don't. But then I don't use Hotmail anymore nor do I hand out my email that often and since it's in latin I'm sure that helps tone down the spam a bit. XD But I love your post. I was just about to go to bed since the sleeping pill is kicking in now but I had to read before I logged out. (:

Runnergirl said...

I had to switch to Gmail recently - and I have had not a spam since... apart from the few hundred that came through that had autoforwarded from my old Yahoo account (WHICH I HAD CLOSED DOWN)...

Gmail hon. Works for me.

On another note - ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Hilarious posting as usual!

Silent Whisperer said...

I’m getting hit with lot of spams too.. @@''

This is hilarious.. haha

Anonymous said...

I so did not click on that link *does a victory dance*. Aww Kathryn, you're talking to Bill Gates! and poor Clinton is upset because he thinks you have another IV. Ya gotta make it up to him, I think that's considered as emotional abuse.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Oh, you crack me up in the best possibe way!
And your son with his cheese and tartar sauce would get along quite well with my 2 picky eaters!
Killing me softly with his song? Now that was a blast from the past!

Anonymous said...

Yeah! tell Billy Microsoft can bite me. He copied all of Apple apps.

NSGIRL said...

I really wanted to click on that link!!! lol

Tea said...

Very funny post. We've been ok with the SPAM lately. But now I've probably gone and jinx it.

Unknown said...

Even better is when your account somehow gets hacked and *you* start sending spam to others. (Yahoo Mail SUX!). Can you get Bill working on that one? Thanks sweetie!

Unknown said...

Hilarious, Kathryn! I just posted to my blog yesterday about a SPAM I received. Apparently I have won 1 million Euros! How awesome is that?! I'm off to some warm, tropical island until this arctic freeze is over! :)

I got away from Hotmail a long time ago. They are like the SPAM capital of the internet world.

Next time you speak with Billy, tell him I said hello. ;)

Tinkerschnitzel said...

I absolutely despise the spam. I get a lot just because I work for a church. I'm sure if I call all those people who sent me emails about collecting money in Africa on their behalf and getting a percentage of it, I'd be a very rich person.

Unknown said...

You are PRICELESS! I'm so impressed that you know Bill Gates. He and I go way back too. ;o)

I snorted coffee out my nose when ol' Bill didn't recognize Clinton's name... hehehehehe that's what he gets for being so cheeky. LOL!

snoble24 said...

i get over 20 spam messages a day. i used to get hundreds in a day. i have gmail but they put it in spam box alot of the time on its own. still have to check it to be sure something i want didnt slip through the cracks and be put in spam. dont worry about 4 spam messages a day try to think of those poor joes shmoes who get 100 or more a day i used to be one of them. it sucks but its ok

Heather said...

I've never tried Hotmail, thanks for the warning!

Poor Connor!! That sandwich is missing the fish!

Momiji chan said...

ha ha spam... lol ive gotten spam and i'd like to keep it that way ive had my email for a year now so its been pretty good to me ^^

Spot said...

Gmail is much better about the non-spamage. I got really tired of the 30 or so a day in my hotmail account. Because A.)I'm not going back to school. B.)I don't have a penis, therefore it doesn't need enlarged. and C.)I really don't care how many hott singles want to meet me. I mean. What? Hott singles? Want to meet me?! No I don't want to click that link. LMAO. Poor Clinton. Guess he just doesn't know the right peeps.


Alicia said...

I know that as soon as I brag that I never get email, or I never get speeding tickets or I never get constipated or I never get my identity stolen...IT WILL HAPPEN.

so I'm just keeping my mouth shut and my fingers immobile on this one Kathryn. You and Clinton are on your own. Oh...and by the way, when I do get on What Not to Wear one of my conditions will be that you get to come and that you get Clinton.

Who's got your back girl friend?

KT said...

hey! I changed my URL and name so don't get lost if you can't find me. I'm still here. BTW it's book*addict

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Wow. Could you ask me a few (maybe a lot more than a few) questions for me too???

Lauren said...


Noelle said...

Are you drunk?? Hmmmm, didn't think so, and that's good, I mean to be THAT funny while sober! Takes me two or three martinis before I can even approach timing like your's Kathryn.
Everytime that I open your blog it's like a visit to Kathrynland for a few minutes, but you don't get to stay there unless you're Kathryn which sucks because I think that it's a fun place to be.
I like the rules of Kathrynland though I was unaware that adults could have imaginary friends without being 51/50'd.
What a hoot, hear that Squeety? You can come OUT NOW!! No more hiding in the light fixture for YOU pal!!
I have a secret spam address that I use for people/companies etc.. on-line, whom I just know will sell my address or use it for other garbage. At last glance (you have to check it every once in a while for purposes of cleaning it out, or dumping all of that mail into THEIR spam box..or they will take the account away)there were 20,000some pieces of junkmail in my inbox, seems shocking, but then I hadn't been there in a fairly long while.
ANDDDD I am as careful as I can be not to give the address that I actually USE for email to anyone of a suspicious nature. It works pretty well. I've never rec'd spam on my blog, I've hardly rec'd comments on my blog, so I don't worry about that. My blog is pretty boring, but now I have Squeety to discuss things with once again, so perhaps it will improve.
I have to go and talk to Squeets @ the rules for Noelleland now. See ya.

Jerry said...

I'm becoming fascinated with The Kathryn Zone. I have steered clear of Hotmail, but it seems no matter where I am Spam seems to creep in.

Josie said...

What a great post! I just found your blog and am fascinated and cannot stop reading...Thanks!


kathryn said...

RON! Well, that's what you get for not listening to me. I've got your back, sweetie...but if you're gonna be're on your own! xo

carissajaded: I'll have to give G-mail some more of my biz-ness. I've got an account, but never think to check it, much less use it. I think that may change...

Moonrayvenne said...

I can't stand the spam either! That Bill really is a good guy to take care of those things for you! LOL.

kathryn said...

Gavin: Aw. I'm glad I take precedence over the sleeping pill, sweetie! Are you serious? Is your email really in latin? No wonder no-one can randomly find you!

Runnergirl: Thanks, honey! Sounds like g-mail is the way to go...Yikes! I can't believe that Yahoo just forwarded everything...I'll bet your glad to be done with them!

Silent Whisperer: You are? I can't stand 'em! They always have a subject line that sounds like I know who it is...sneaky bastards!!

kathryn said...

Fierce: HA! Well, I'll only turn to Bill Gates when I absolutely must get something done. Clinton is da best IV, but need more fire power!!

Maureen@IslandRoar: I do not know WHERE that song came from! It just *popped* into my head. You've got picky eaters too? Oh, joy!

WannabeVirginiaW: HA! Okaaay....I'll pass that message along. But remember: Copying is the sincerest form of flattery!

kathryn said...

NSGIRL: Ha! Isn't it hilarious? I'll never forget my surprise the first time I made up a fake web addy and it came up blue with the "hand" for the link when you hover over it? I was like, "Whaaa????" (Sweetie: Your blog isn't giving any comment box! There's no way to comment at your place!!)

kathryn said...

Isabella: Nah...don't say that! I've got it where it goes into a "Junk" folder, but I'm afraid to have it permanently bounced back 'cause every now and then someone will comment from a hotmail account. The spammers keep using a different email addy every. single. freakin. time.

ValleyWriter: HA! No prob....let me just find that phone number again. I've heard about ppl who get their email accts must be AWFUL.

Kimberly: HA! Well, congratulations! See that? Sometimes, that SPAM email is soooo lucky! I'm on my way to your place now...

kathryn said...

Tinkerschnitzel: Oh, yeah...there's a lot of unscrupulous people out there. I'm wary of everything these days....I tend to assume that everything is a scam!

SMOOG: See? That snarkiness can bite you when you're not looking. I've often heard Clinton say "How could he not know me?" So, that's what you get!

snoble24: I wonder why you got so many...and now it's not as bad? Is it the sites you visit? No, it can't be would they get your email address? I still think it's just randomly thrown out there...

kathryn said...

Heather: I'm not ON hotmail....the spam is coming FROM hotmail accounts. Just to clarify that. As for Connor, he's sooo dramatic...I don't know where this comes from. (!)

saku chan: You're very lucky then, sweetie. It is SO ANNOYING...and they must have like, thousands of accounts 'cause it never comes thru from the same address more than once!

Spot: HA!'s one of the first times my peeps totally blew away his! As for the spam you were getting: Ew, ew and.....ew! Some have the option to "unsubscribe", but I'm too afraid to click it.

Alicia: YOU'VE got my back, girlfriend!! And I sincerely doubt you're enough of a mess to ever make it onto WNTW! I mean...seriously....YOU? Pish!

kathryn said...

KT: Hey! What's happening? What're you up to? I'll see if I can link through to you now! Hmmm...have you listed your new blog to link with your new screen name??

Oddyoddyo13: HA! No problem! I just can't promise the answers will make much sense!

Lauren: Oh, you're so very welcome! Yes, I'd asked Bill to ensure that all the readers of TheInternalMakeover be completely spam-free for life. Did I neglect to mention that?

kathryn said...

Noelle: Why? Did I sound drunk? 'Cause I'm definitely so-ber. Well, hello, Sqeets! Pleasure to meet-cha!
I'm sure you'll fit right in over in well as here. We hold nothing against any IV's...real or imaginary! That's a great idea re: the special-dee-luxe-just-for-SPAM-email account. I have to look into that! And I love your place...I'm still thinking about your last post re: Tavern on the Green.

kathryn said...

Jerry: Welcome! I do believe that Spam is stalking you! That's what it is! SPAM secretly looooves you and wants to be with you ALWAYS.

Johanna: You're very welcome! I'm glad you've come to visit. I hope you'll visit often. We always have a blast!

Collette: Ha! Yeah...he's promised to take good care of all of us. We'll see how that works out...otherwise, I'll be back on the phone with him for sure.

Chelsea said...

HaHa...Well Yahoo is definitely worse! I have like 30 Spam emails daily.. What a pain!

Funny blog once again!

kathryn said...

Chelsea: WOW! 30 a day is a LOT! You're not the first person to complain about Yahoo...they seem to be pretty bad!

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