Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Nowhere But Up

So. In the last few days:

I’ve backed up-

I’ve sat up-

I’ve cleaned up-

And I’ve caught up.

Now. As long as I don’t lift anything, slip on anything or try to cook anything…things should start looking up as well- - -

Clinton Kelly (My ever-pragmatic IV): “How do you plan on avoiding all of these things? It’s only the beginning of January, kiddo. You’ll have to eat, you’ll have to leave the house and I don’t think you can milk that back-thing forever…”

Kathryn: “We can alternate between eating sandwiches and cereal. We can have everything delivered. All my work’ll be done via computer and phone and ‘my back-thing’ was most excruciating, thankyouverymuch. I do believe that stress could cause me to relapse…wait, I think I’m feeling a twinge.”

CK: (Rolls baby blues) “This time, you’re buying your own Ben Gay. You may as well pick up some moth balls as well….then I can pretty much guarantee that no-one will come within 20 feet of you, much less ask you to go anywhere near their food.”

K: (Eyes light up)

CK: “I’m kidding. You have to feed da boys sometime….I believe it’s in the parent handbook. And smelling like an old fart is going to make you feel like an old fart. Never underestimate the power of the senses.”

K: “Who are you? The Dalai Lama? Did you catch a whiff of that guy on the A-Train this morning? Phew! I wanted to light a match!”

CK: (Grimaces) “I don’t know which bothers me more…the bad B.O. or the bad B.O. doused with a bottle of Old Spice. Wait. That’s not where I was going with this…”

K: (Confused) “Really? Are you sure? ‘Cause you’ve mentioned that guy several times today. I think we should talk about it.”

CK: (Sighs) “No. What I want is for you to let me make my point.”

K: “So, who’s stopping you? You’re the one who brought up farting, which thereby led to the inevitable stinky-recall of the B.O. guy.”

CK: (Leans against the wall. Pulls out Blackberry…starts scrolling.) “Just let me know when you’re done. I’ve got nothing but time.”

K: (Stares. Bites bottom lip. Glances around the room. Counts the tiles on the floor. Multiply length times width…carry the seven…add the three. Tries to whistle. Realizes she can no longer whistle. Thinks, “Didn’t I used to know how to whistle? When was the last time I recall being able to whistle? Do people forget how to whistle? Is this an old-age thing? Have I had a mini-stroke and it has permanently prohibited my ability to whistle? Who would I call for this? A neurologist? A speech therapist? My 6th grade music teacher?”)

CK: “Kathryn!”

K: “What? WHAT? Okay…rewinding….B.O….farting….senses…old fart. What’d I miss? WAIT. Weren’t we talking about smells?”

CK: (Shaking his head…lips pressed tightly together) “Yes, I mentioned the sense of smell. My point was that if you believe you’re getting old, you will act in a more elderly manner. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

K: (Squints eyes) “Who said anything about being old? I’m not old. Are you old? Who’s old?? My friends certainly aren’t old. I don’t like where this is going. I think the only thing old around here is…your watch. Now, that is OLD.”

CK: “It’s vintage Cartier. I was talking about your back. You’ve completely taken this out of context. I’m simply pointing out….ya know what? Never mind. We've spent enough time on this."

K: “Oh. Speaking of time...what time is it? Did we eat dinner? I can't remember. Man, I'm getting old."

CK: “Oh, for the love of God”

Anonymous said...

LOL! I love these kinds of posts! They are a lot of fun to read! I am glad to hear your back is feeling better.

Anonymous said...

Haha....this was great. XD It's nice to know that your feeling better though. (:

Thaydra said...

I believe they say the mind is the first to go. Forgetfulness, and all. In that case... 33 is ANCIENT! Hope your back is all better, so you don't have to douse yourself in B.O. in order to keep the (ahem) starving teenagers at bay!

Lauren said...

Haha! I'm sure you can forget how to whistle. I have a friend who forgot how to skip. And she was a girl scout... disgusting... Her inability to skip that is. Actually, that same friend was stuck in front of or behind a guy on a four hour bus ride that smelled so badly of B.O. that the whole bus could smell him. Eww.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Typical Kathryn........

Always makes me love her post no matter how strange/hysterical/eccentric it is.

Ron said...


This was watching a Laurel and Hardy film in fast motion!!!

K: “What? WHAT? Okay…rewinding….B.O….farting….senses…old fart. What’d I miss? WAIT. Weren’t we talking about smells?


Your mind works like mine. People think we don't hear what they're saying because of our ability to talk and listen at the same time, however, when we hit the REWIND's ALL there!!!!

HYSTERICAL post, Kathryn!

I'm SOOOOOOO glad to hear you're all caught up and your back is feeling better.


Have a grrrrrreat night!


Krissi said...

Lol.. your awesome. I can always count on your for a chuckle. Honest did you honestly count the tiles because me I have a hard time not feeling quiet up with words so I want to know do you really have the power not to speak when someone is waiting? You could possibly become my hero.

Alicia said...

See, it didn't take you that long to get caught up. Good job, just be careful you don't hurt your back again.

Unknown said...

Good to hear you are on the mend.
Onward and Upward!

Do people not smell their own B.O? I always wondered about that.

While at the movies, a group of people sat in front of us and one of them wreaked of B.O and alcohol, the theater was packed and there was no where to move to. Not a pleasant experience.

Dreamfarm Girl said...

I hope laughing doesn't make your back hurt b/c you've got to be chuckling to yourself writing your posts. You are hilarious! You are not getting older, just funnier. : )

Heather said...

I must say you are genius, you are always so entertaining and hilarious.

When I grow up, I want to be just like Kathryn!

Runnergirl said...

I heard on the radio this morning that apparently prolonged use of mobile phones can now help cure Alzheimers...

My dad always says that when he gets OLD, he's going to sit on the porch in a rocking chair and smell of cabbages. Never mind that he has neither a porch, nor a rocking chair!

Tina said...

You know, I think you should write a screenplay. Your dialogue is so good and funny. Include the internal monologues. They're the best!

Spot said...

I'm seriously considering sending a care package of food your way. Lol. I'm glad your back is better! And of course we're not old. Duh Clinton! How dare he suggest that? I think Ben Gay smells nice. And Old Spice. Wait! Do you think my sense of smell is getting old??


Anonymous said...

Oh I absolutely love Clinton. Who else could put up with you? Oh wait there's loads of us that put up with you but Clinton knows you best.

Anonymous said...

The last boring movie i watched
In btw checking my nails n checking my phone, i thought
Kathryn should have written the dialogue for this movie, it would have been worthwhile
ur Hilarious!
Pls write a book, of u and Ck
id love to have that in my bag everytime

Unknown said...

"This time, you're buying your own Ben Gay..."

ROTFLMAO! That was awesome. That Clinton, he's so sassy... :oP

Glad to hear you're on the mend Kathryn. Take care of yourself, hear???


Áine said...

The randomness never stops :) lol

Momiji chan said...

uh?..... i get what your coming from weird smells in the room belong to the awards to my dog and brother just the other day he farted and here i thought it was a door squeking haha this is what you get when you all you have is men in the house

kathryn said...

Christiejolu: HA! And I love writing 'em...since the conversation is happening in my head whether I blog about it or not!

Gavin: Yep....muuuuuch better, thanks!

Thaydra: HA! you've managed to incorporate all my main points in this post into your comment! It shows you listen well, grasshopper.

Lauren: Wait. Was skipping part of being a Girl Scout? Your friend sounds like she's had a lot of bad luck!

kathryn said...

Oddyoddyo13: Hey, sweetie! Thank you for your kind compliment. Happy New Year to you!

RON! Aw, always make me smile! (Smiles broadly) Yeah...I've heard this reaction from ppl before...and I really DO listen! I just don't always hear things the same way that others do. The other thing ppl tell me a lot is, "Inside voice, Kathryn." Pfft. Love, Superwoman xoxoxo

Krissi: YES! But it takes tremendous effort...and some serious mindgames...such as: count da tiles (pretending I'm measuring for a new floor) or I'll try to remember all the character's names from M*A*S*H.

Alicia: Yes, ma' got that right. No more achy-breaky backs! I have SO learned my lesson!

Mixed Reflections said...

Overpowering perfumes hiding a pre-existing odiferious disaster are soooo disgusting.

kathryn said...

WannabeVirginiaW: I don't know! I can they NOT smell it when an entire bus/train/department store can smell it? I swear...there's nothing you can do except breathe through your mouth!

Dreamfarm Girl: Aw! Thank you, sweetie! Yes, I'm definitely having a great time when I write these posts! It's my favorite thing to do!

Heather: Thank you, sweetie. I'm so glad that I'm not just amusing myself! But a role model?? Pish!!

kathryn said...

Runnergirl: Your dad's gonna smell like cabbages? What is that even about? I mean, do they eat 'em and then reek the smell...or what?

Tina: Thank you, sweetie! High praise! I love my "IMs"....they wind up being the funniest part of my day sometimes!

KT said... i;m the biggest dumb blonde there is because i JUST realized that IV stands for inner voice..please tell me i;m right. To defend myself i am student a psych one at that so this whole time i kept thinking IV as in independent variable. i kept thinking that that wouldn't make sense because you're not conducting an experiment. but the more i thought about it the more it made sense to me because independent variable is whatever YOU are controlling in the experiment. So if this was an experiment Clinton could be an IV because you ARE controlling him. do i make sense?
OH, BTW, you're so not old. you're not past 60 (safe enough number, right? you're nowhere near 60) then we can talk about being old. BUT you're only as old as YOU feel. so numbers don't matter.

kathryn said...

Spot: Ha! that you mention it, you DO seem to like the smells from our Grandpa's. That can't possibly be GOOD. (Don't tease me about the food.)

Fierce: Uh-huh...Well, he should know me best after all this time! I just love his snarky sets me off.

sweetness: Why, thank you! I will get right on that book! I'm sure he and I have had more than enough conversations by now to fill a novel!

kathryn said...

SMOOG: Thanks, sweetie! Yeah, Clinton's very snarky these days...he's giving me grief because he knows I'm feeling BETTA!

Smileyfreak: HA! I am officially declaring myself the Queen of Random. (Wait. Maybe I wanna be the Princess, instead.)

saku chan: Yup, it's true. Men are very into bodily functions...have you noticed this?

Courtney: Thank you! Nope, not a bad least, I doubt Clinton would think so. Maybe it helped that I moved his photo out of the "basement" he put it??.

Tea said...

Uugghh, I've had my back go out too and it's amazing how we take MOVING for granted. It really gave me a better persective as to why we have handicap parking. When I was hurt it took me forever just to walk in from a parking lot. Get better.

kathryn said...

Gropius: "Overpowering perfumes hiding a pre-existing odiferious disaster are sooooo disgusting" HA! I could not have said it better! (You're so eloquent and concise!!)

book*addict: Oh, sweetie! If only I were smart enough to have thought to use Clinton as an "independent variable"....I looove that! It would make me sound so....intelligent and worldly. Of course, you'd be the only reader who would understand what it I guess I'll stick with "inner voice". And you are far from dumb...for the record, I used to explain each and every time what IV stood for...but after almost 2 years? Nah. Can't be bothered.

Isabella: Thanks, sweetie. I am MUCH better now...and you're so take the simplest tasks (putting on socks & shoes!) for granted.

Moonrayvenne said...

I totally get the B.O. thing. 2 guys I work with, I swear, do NOT bathe or wash their clothes. We have to make sure to stay away if they are walking past or standing in front of an open window...UGH! The winter is bad enough but when it starts to get warm outside...hoo boy, is it nasty!

Ok, now you do as little as you possibly have to do to get that back feeling better. Moving around a little is ok, but turning, bending & lifting can be hazardous. Be careful! (((HUGS)))

kathryn said...

Collete: HA! I've promised myself I'd start doing some serious back-muscle-strengthening exercises...but I haven't quite gotten around to it yet. (Wish I could do them whilst in my computer chair!) I also wish someone could tell your co-workers how bad they smell. Do you really think they don't know??

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