Sunday, December 27, 2009

Cows, Facts and Peanut Butter

Connor (12): “Mom! What are you doing out of bed? I thought your back hurt.”

Kathryn (Eternally 25, evidently going on 95): “It does. My blog. Need to blog. Sunday night.”

C: “Why aren’t you talking in complete sentences?”

K: “Dunno. Must be the pain….blend thoroughly with healthy dose of a serious inability to fashion a post worthy of publication…."

C: “What??”

K: (Winces) “I’ve got writer’s block….nothing to say. This blinking curser is mocking me.”

C: “Okaaaay. On an unrelated note, why does the dog have peanut butter on his head?”

K: “Oh, riiiight. That was from last night. I was trying to give him his pill and due to my excruciating pain in leaning forward, my hand may have slipped. There are also probably remnants on the oven door and the kitchen phone as well….”

C: “Ew. I don’t even wanna know.”

K: “That’s okay, ‘cause I’m not offering to tell you. But I’d check the phone before you put it to your ear.”

C: “Good to know. Did you know that without phlegm, your stomach would digest itself?”

K: (Surprised) “What?? Ew. Where the hell did that come from?”

C: “Did you just say ‘hell’? What kind of a role model are you?”

K: (Chagrined) “Sorry. Is this your ‘random fact’ of the day?”

C: “Maybe….have you got anything better?”

K: (Thinks) “Uncle Bob told me that cows that have names produce more milk than cows with no names, proving undeniably that everyone….even cows…prefer to be addressed by name, instead of just a number....I mean, who wants to hear 'This way, #3267-6...time for your milking.' when you can hear 'Bessie! Milkin' time!' See?”

C: (Rolls eyes) “I like my fact better.”

K: (Sighs) “I’m not surprised. Can you GGGoogle ‘removing peanut butter from doggg fur’ for me? I think I need to lie down.”

C: “Sure. Is this peanut butter on your keyboard?”

K: "Crap. No wonder my gggg keeps stickingggg."

Anonymous said...

XD This is like one of those priceless moments.

Dreamfarm Girl said...

Hope you are feeling better soon! Back pain is awful!

I liked your fact of the day better. (Don't tell Connor.) BTW, my son also hates to hear me curse. It's not motherly of me. (But it's human of me.)

Anonymous said...

Love the random stuff.

Poor dog, I once dropped lunch meat and it landed on the dog, took a while for her to figure out where it landed. But it was very entertaining.

Anonymous said...

That's awesome. Perhaps we should keep that knowledge to ourselves, though, in case of a human-milking-alien invasion, otherwise who knows what new names we'll end up with?

Anonymous said...

Having a peanut-buttery day I see. I don't envy that poor dog, and I like Connor's random fact better. Wait, was that the one about the phlegm? Ew, sorry my mistake, I liked yours better.

Bobby Allan said...

You poor thing! Bernie has offered to come and lick up any stray peanut butter. And that includes the pb on Metro!

Unknown said...

I'm going to have to vote for your random fact. While both were cool, yours grosses me out less!

Hope you're feeling better soon!

Gigi said...

oh Kathryn, I'm sorry you are in pain - but even in pain you gave me my first smile of the day! Hope you feel better soon!

B-ster said...

Get to feeling better! And I like both random facts.

Straight Guy said...

Well, now when folks google search for "phlegm," "cow milking," and "back pain" they will get a link to this post. So, cross that off your list.

Had back pain. Hate back pain. The worst part about it is that there is usually no quick recovery.

Please feel better.

Noelle said...

Hey Kathryn,
What happened to your back? I've been off the grid and not reading these past few days, so I may have missed it, however, I have to say that I hope it happened after Christmas, and, heaven forbid, NOT while you were taking your dear one's Christmas Dinner out of the oven!
Hope that you had a good Christmas.
You have my condolences, as I, too am suffering from a bad case of writer's block, and it sucks because I have a deadline in early January to get a draft of my manuscript in to my publisher....great diet though!
Happy New Year, feel better!,
Mona (Noelle)

Lauren said...

I'm a descendant of farmers, truckers and military men. Swearing is... very much a part of our vacabulary? Um peanut butter? I suppose since you aren't telling your son that we won't get to hear about that one either.

I have some four year old T3s if you want them?

Tina said...

Feel better soon! And make those guys give you lots of tlc!

Unknown said...

Mmmmm... peanut butter...

sorry - I get distracted easily. lol

Tinkerschnitzel said...

Hope you feel better soon. After my holiday, I wish I could use back pain as an excuse. :)

Spot said...

Oh dear! Hope you feel better soon! My kids don't mind me cussing, maybe because they are way worse than I am. I liked your fact. I will now start naming the cows I pass on a daily basis!!


Ron said...

Hi Kathryn! freakin' KILL me...

..."Crap. No wonder my gggg keeps stickingggg."

Bwhahahahahahaha!!! That was brilliant! Even in your pain your CREATIVELY WITTY!

Don't ya just love how peanut butter sticks like cement? I bet it could actually be used as a GLUE.

Love the whole idea about cows giving more milk if they're called by name. I mean it makes perfect sense to me, ya know?

So sorry to hear your back is still out of whack.

Know that I'm still sending LOTS of "positive energy" your, my NY friend!

Thanks for the great laugh! Enjoy your evening!


kathryn said...

Gavin:'s "priceless" all right. If you're into sticky peanut butter smeared around like a crime scene....!

Dreamfarm Girl: Thank you! I try hard not to curse...but sometimes I forget I'm talking to a 12-year-old boy. He seems much older at times! (And for the record: My brother's cow-fact came right in the middle of a conversation about something totally unrelated...such a GUY!)Hope you're having a great vaca, sweetie!!

WannabeVirginiaW: HA! But, did you remember to later clean said dog?? I can assume she was right under your feet the whole time...right??

Mixed Reflections said...

Oh, your dog is a pill popper too? It seems like we're always having to shove something down poor Flanders' throat. At least there are peanut butter and cheese. Your snake comment on Gropius had me laughing hysterically. Hoping your back is feeling better soon. And some days just call for the word "hell."

kathryn said...

~:C:~ HA! EW! Could you imagine? If I consider "Bessie" and "Millie" to be cow-names, maybe aliens would call us all "Tiffany" and "Brittany" as the human counterparts...

Fierce: Aw, Fierce! You crack me up! Yeah, Connor's was the one about the phlegm. You should have seen the look on his face when he saw how it's spelled....he's still mystified and amazed that he's been "spelling it wrong all this time". I said, "And WHY would you be spelling it at all??"

Chrissy: Hey babe! Metro says, "GREAT! Especially since I can't reach that part of my anatomy myself, otherwise I'd have consumed it by now." It was hilarious...he could smell it, but couldn't quite figure out where it was!

ValleyWriter: Thank you! So far, I'm 3 for 3...or whatever it is when my random fact is whooping Connor's. I'm definitely better today....thanks!

Gigi: Aw, thanks sweetie! I'm truly better today...I brushed my teeth this morning and didn't see stars! Now, THAT'S improvement!

B-ster: I'm getting there! The day I can put on socks without wincing, I may throw a party!

kathryn said...

Straight Guy: Did you hurt your back the day you fell with an armload of stuff on the slippery steps? (See? And you thought I wasn't listening.) I'm sooo glad to cross that Google search issue off my list...that was keeping me up at night!

Noelle: Happy Holidays to you, too! I'm happened the day after X-mas and I'm on the mend. Doesn't writers-block just suck?? That's why I write like crazy when inspiration hits...gotta have something in the hopper for times like this!

Lauren: HA! I'm sure your 4-year old T-3's are about as effective as my 3-yr old Valium! Fortunately, I believe I've turned a corner and Advil will do just fine!

Tina: I WILL! I'm seriously milking it...believe me! (Lots of sighs...grunts...and groans....)

SMOOG: Oh, brother. You're as bad as Metro!!

Tinkerschnitzel: Well, I can't WAIT for it to be GONE! It is much better today, though. It was a stupid move on my part and I may never touch another clay pot again!!

Spot! HA! Make sure you give 'em "cow" names....just in case they can tell the difference. Happy Holidays, Spot!

kathryn said...

RON! Peanut butter is seriously sticky! Especially if you're stupid enough (insert me here) to get it all over your fingers and hands...even the strongest dish soap still left me with a "film of butter" on my hands...and my feet kept making this *twack* sound on the kitchen floor. AND, I'D JUST CLEEEANED! Dammit. Your positive energy is working, my friend...I'm definitely better today! Thanks!

Tom Bailey said...

There are so many things I can read into this one. I enjoyed reading the story thanks for sharing.

Tom Bailey

Tom Bailey said...

There are so many things I can read into this one. I enjoyed reading the story thanks for sharing.

Tom Bailey

Heather said...

Maybe you should let Connor do the doggie meds, till you get to feeling better. LOL! Even when your in pain, you can still put out a funny post.

Just remember Ice reduces swelling, which is most likely causing the pain from a pinched nerve.

Lynn said...

I say milk the back pain for all it's worth. *haha! I crack myself up...teehee...*

Glad you're starting to feel better. Just don't let on tooo soon at home. And demand grapes Hand peeled.

JD at I Do Things said...

How come when you have writer's block you somehow end up with a funny post and when I have writer's block I end up with . . . nothing?

KT said...

yes, i must agree with Bessie, i definitely prefer to be called my name too. especially when it's milking time....wait, that part doesn't apply to me does it?
Ok, seriosuly, Kathryn, you shouldn't be writing on your blog if you're in pain...despite if it makes a good one. You should be in bed and resting. Yes, I know you're mom and mom's are meant to suffer (muahahaha), but just pretend to not be a mom for one day. I'm sure Connor'll understand.

Noelle said...

For Gods sake Kathryn, go into your room, with your laptop if you like, SLAM the door, LOCK the door, put your IPOD on or use some other headphones (I have them for my laptop for when I want to watch a movie and check out entirely so I can see the whole thing!) and just let em take care of themselves, just remember that prior to emerging, if you've been in there for 24 or longer, FIRST call the cleaning girls and then WAIT until they get there before you emerge, TRUST ME they will understand, and you will feel as though you are NOT on a sinking ship sweetie!!
Feel BETTER and take care of thine own self!

kathryn said...

Noelle: Thanks, sweetie! It's always nice to get permission to pamper yourself....altho, I'm not sure why it takes a reminder to do it! Lucky for me, I'm much better now! (It only took 9 days instead of the 2-3 weeks WEB MD said it would take. Woohoo!)

Noelle said...

You are most welcome m'dear, however do not miss the point, Web MD was giving you the perfect OUT, read: milk it if you care to! AND the reason that we have to remind one another (be reminded by one another) to pamper ourselves, even just at times take care of ourselves, is because of things like (I don't know about your house, but at mine, well:)if I get up and go downstairs for soda, juice any form of unoffered SUSTENANCE I MUST be BETTER, therefore, I can take out the garbage and fold all of the laundry AFTER I do it; OR if I have the NERVE to answer the phone because it has rung so many times that I don't think anyone else is home to do it (don't know why I keep falling for this one) whichever of my children who is calling from their bedroom, and cell phone who id in need of an emergent !!!! ride somewhere, (or THEY will DIE! I should be so unfortunate!) will KNOW that if I can lift my head off the pillow in the first place, I am by far ready enough to get behind the wheel of the car, and since I'm there....well, MOMMMM, nobody's bought any energy bars for us for about a year (I have generally been ill for maybe three days by this time) so can you pleassseeee go to the grocery store before you come out of there (my room, the CAVE) and find a bunch of dead kids?
Need I say more? If we don't take care of one another, who will??

kathryn said...

Noelle: Well, you are absolutely correct, of course. I tend to forget to "milk it" as you so eloquently put it...'cause I'm just so damned happy to feel better!

And truth be told, da boys were kinda (sorta, a little bit) good about doing more and will still (occasionally) help me UP! Makes me feel like I'm 80!

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