Sunday, November 22, 2009

Every Kiss Begins With A Gag

Here in New York, the commercial teevee ad wars are hot and heavy. Welcome to the holiday season. From now until December 26th, prepare to be inundated with a virtual plethora of annoying, repetitive and only rarely amusing (where it then becomes annoying after seeing it for the 300th time) commercials aimed at getting you to part with your hard-earned dollars.

Let’s face it…in this part of the country, there are two major contenders for your cellphone service. “Ya got your Verizon Camp and your AT&T Camp. Pick a side, people…and no take-backies.” (You should have heard this last statement with a stern-sounding male coach pre-game voice)

Verizon happens to be better. What? You don’t think so? “Verizon sucks,” you say? Well, you’re wrong…and no-one can hear you, anyway….’cause it’s my blog and only I get to talk. But, I’ll argue this till the cows come home…(I put in the word "cow" for Spot...she knows why) as I’ve had both of these contenders...and Verizon’s clearly better. (Pun intended and pun intended) And it all comes down to who’s made you happy and ya can’t have it both ways. Well, you could…but that’s a whole ‘nother post…and we’re not going there now.

Verizon is the home team here in the Northeast. I don’t know whether it’s because they got the higher spot on the cell towers or what…but AT&T drops a lot more often than Verizon. Verizon knows this. Their entire holiday ad campaign seems to be centered around it:

Verizon: “We’ve got more coverage…in more homes…in more cities…in more public restrooms…under more desks…than anyone. Especially AT&T. They suck.”

AT&T: “Nuh-uh. YOU suck. We’ve got this super-duper spectacular two-part ad with Luke Wilson standing on a huge map of the U.S., throwing postcards from supposed-happy AT&T customers from all over America while he makes remarks about having lost his wallet once in Des Moines…and it’s in two parts..did we mention that? viewers have to sit through the first ad and then see an ad for something else, followed by the second half where Luke’s practically drowning in these postcards…so, take that.”

Well. I think that totally clears up any confusion as to who has the better coverage.

This competition is probably not a competition at all…when it comes to quality, or price, or variety. I’ve actually no idea if one diamond place is better than the other.

However. I have a definite opinion on their commercial ads.

Dear Kay Jewelers,
Please fire your ad agency immediately. We are all laughing behind your back. Actually, scratch that. We’re laughing right in your face. HAHAHA. You must think we are a bunch of sappy, emotionally-challenged schmucks. We are not. You are insulting our intelligence, offending our ability to feel anything resembling natural sentiments and making my entire family extremely nauseous each and every time we’re forced to endure one of your sappy, transparent attempts at a sweet, loving commercial.

Hallmark. You’re. Not.

Give it up. It sucks. Get some new “people” and stop trying to make us cry. You’re making us lose our lunch instead. You don’t wanna be known as “Kay Jewelers…The Vomit People”, do you??

For anyone who hasn’t had the pleasure (gags) I’ll give you two mental snapshots:

1) Man and woman stand at the picture window watching the raging storm outside. They wear deeply concerned, troubled faces. Perhaps their concern is authentic because they’ve pre-read the script. Suddenly, lightening flashes and thunder crashes and woman lets out a frightened cry, turns and buries her traumatized face into man’s chest. He responds with, “Don’t worry, darling. I’m here. I’ll always be here. For the rest of your freakin’ lifeeverywhere you go, everything you do…everywhere you look….I’m gonna be right there. For. Ever.” (Okay, so I may have added that last part...but the rest is true.)

2) Man and woman sitting on the floor by Christmas tree. Man is attempting some rudimentary sign language and speaks out loud (for our benefit). He (supposedly) apologizes for his lack of proficiency in signing and (supposedly) says he has a present for her. “Really?” she signs…a clueless look on her face. He pulls the “Kay” box from under the tree and (supposedly) signs “Merry Christmas”. She opens it to display the watch/bracelet/necklace tucked inside. Then he (supposedly) signs, “Do you like it?” and she (supposedly) signs back, “Read my lips” and leans in for the infamous Kay kiss. As the shot fades to black, if you look really closely, I do believe you can just make out the woman flipping the camera the bird.

Happy freakin’ holidays.

Krissi said...

Cool, I get the first comment. Makes me think I should say something profound. But I can't think of anything profound. We had at&t and kicked it to the curb after almost a decade of service. They have the IPhone and sucky prices so after much dispair that I would never own and IPhone we jumped ship. We have Sprint which we are enjoying and their customer service rocks. Especially after they saved us from a paticularly nasty charge that our daughter managed. GO SPRINT!!

Unknown said...

Ha ha ha! I loathe that 2nd Kay commercial. The worst part is - it's a hold over from last Christmas. So we have to watch it again. For 6-8 weeks. 2-3 times a night. NOOOO!!! (Thank goodness for the DVR!)

Unknown said...

This is why I DVR the shows I like to watch ... so I don't have to endure sappy/crappy commercials such as these. I can just FF my way through the commercials and only watch the good parts. It also makes a 1-hour show only about 42 minutes long. Time management at its best. :)

Merry Christmas!

Kelly@MentalGarbage said...

Oh lord... If I have to hear "every kiss begins with K" signing out of my tv one more time, I'm gonna lose it!

I agree with Kimberly - my DVR saves me...

Lauren said...

AHAHAHA! I'm actually laughing out loud and interrupting my parents viewing of The Amazing Race. If they kill me it's your fault. I think you should write the Kay commercials. I've seen a few and honestly, I liked your first one so much better.

Happy freakin' holidays to you too!

Kelly@MentalGarbage said...

I meant singing... haha Maybe I was just still hung up about the "deaf" Kay commercial...

Anonymous said...

Thank goodness I've never seen those commercials, I'd probably have broken my TV by now and then I'd have to pay for the damages and... *sigh* it'd just be one big mess. So I'm happy I never got to see that, and Kathryn, you are a strong woman!

Moonrayvenne said...

I am sick of them also. And just think, it's not even Thansgiving yet! ARGH!
Yes, I have Verizon & it IS the #1 carrier!

Oddyoddyo13 said...

And yet, you have to sit and watch the commercials anyway huh? I'd actually prefer TV/radio without commercials.

Spot said...

How now brown cow. Hahahaha. Funny stuff. Commercials, egads! I'm so tired of them and the really bad acting. Especially that first Kay commercial you mention.

I have At&t because it was the only service that worked way out here in the middle of nowhere when we first got cell phones. When our contracts up, I'm switching us to sprint because my bro-in-law works for them and can get me good deals!

Um and you totally forgot that insipid walmart commercial where the lady's whining about chasing sales and wanting to be home for "storytime by the tree". I may gouge my ears out if I have to hear that one much more. Two words lady: shop online!


Lynn said...

I've heard that many kisses begin with too much alcohol. And I'm pretty sure that after the ad people are driven to the bottle. Which means that, in a roundabout way, some kisses DO begin with Kay.

Kristen said...

Just as I read this I another Verizon ad came on. I love Verizon so far I have had absolutely no problems with it. Oh and I totally agree with that first Kay commercial. When I first saw it I thought it was the beginning to a scary movie. Plus the way the guy talked so entirely way too creepy. Apparently the necklace he gives her is supposed to symbolize embrace. Yeah, "embrace"..."strangle", potayto, potahto...

Love this...and wishing I had a DVR..

Anonymous said...

Haha...I hate those commercials. That's why I rarely watch tv on the tv. The few shows I do watch I watch on the computer. Less commercials that way. XD

Heather said...

I think most of the commercials are targeted to the upper class, cause all they do is annoy, jewelry, high dollar electronics, ect..ect..

The rest of them are for the kids to beg and plead their parents for.

Turn the tv off!

Runnergirl said...

When I lived in St Lucia, I used to LOVE American tv adverts. Because they used to be sooo cheesy and over the top, and in the UK until recently companies were not allowed to directly target their rivals (they're still not, but there's some legal loophole somewhere!). I actually miss them!

I agree with the others - you should sooo go into advertising script writing!

dailyseeking said...

I can't laugh this hard so early in the morning! I do have Verizon and did switch from AT&T. I find they are better; and I'm with you on all marketing from now until forever.

Mark Price said...

I dropped my Dentyne Classic laughing. It was ok though. I was forced to become a verizon customer. see they bought alltel who has the worst customer relations people in the world working in their stores and so deserved whatever it was I did that upset them. (Really, there were police) And as for the diamond stores...all Lovely Wifes shiny stuff comes from...Kay's! You crack me up Kathryn. Have a great Monday!

KT said...

hmmm....I'm not sure what to make of your little rant. I definitely don't like at&t. But I have Tmobile, and I can't complain. I do LOVE the verizon commercials (can you hear me now? good...Verizon wireless)...jajaja. Although I don't like their newer ones of scary dead zones. So, not funny when you're home alone and the only sound you hear are the long nails cutting through the glass window and then all of a sudden...AHHH!! Sorry, scared myself a little. I don't like the kay commercials either, but only because they're THAT cheesy when they say, "every kisses begins with Kay". Well, obviously, when you spell it out, but in reality every kiss begins with a stare or touch or puckered lips. Do you say "KAY", right before someone kisses you? I didn't think so, because neither do i. I'm ranting. Better go before I start whining.
P.S: Hope you a magnificently, marvelous day!

Chrissie said...

I haven't had the pleasure of seeing those ads. However, I get the feeling that it is now completely unneseccary, because there is no way I would get more amusement out of watching them than I have from reading this post.

Jen T said...

OH MY GOD, I know, right? The Verizon thing is true...but even more so? SHUT UP KAY! Those commercials make me nauseous. That one with the couple and the storm is just ridiculous. Especially the part where she's like "Never let go, EVER". And she's scared of a lightening storm? Well then, MAYBE she should be staring at it out the window!

The worst worst worst one is the one with Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman (yeah that's how I still refer to her) and her open heart necklace. She wants it to be a symbol of love around the world. FYI Dr. Quinn: Most people in the world can't go to Kay to FIND your necklace because they can hardly afford to buy food! Plus: your necklace isn't even pretty! So there!

Whoa...apparently I have been harboring some pretty serious frustration with these commercials. Thank you for helping me let it out.

Anonymous said...

Bwahahahaha - SO true, Kathryn. Will you think less of me, though, if I admit to getting all emotional over some of the DeBeers commercials?

Tinkerschnitzel said...

hahaha!!! We get the same commercials here. I can't stand any of them. Give me something entertaining, like a Super Bowl commercial and I would be happy.

Amy said...

I don't know what's more annoying, the Kay's jingle or actresses shrieking, "He went to Jared!"

Áine said...

Here in Ireland,every few ads are directed at the under 12's... lol :) Try watching the same ad 20 times a day...and that ones not even Crimbo related :) Thanks for the funny post

Unknown said...

I know, right? Happy Freakin' Thanksgiving. You know, that turkey-eatin' holiday that got swallowed up this year as American retailers (and others) attempt to gain a few more dollahs!? Get ready, the week will be filled with braggarts discussing their programs to feed the needy, dogs wetting themselves with the excitement of new people in the house and no small amount of anygry yelling between friends and lovers... It's the most wonderful time of the year!

carissajaded said...

I literally gag every time I see the Kay's Jewlers commercials. The first time I saw it I kept waiting for the joke.. the part where they would wink at us, or somehow allude to the fact that they were aware of their over the top-ness (its a word.)

As for phone carriers, I use sprint, and actually kind of like it. I really disliked AT&T and hate it now that my friends all got it for iphones, and their phones don't work anywhere!!

Unknown said...

LOL as always Kathryn. Love this post!

I don't watch much tv so don't get the overwhelming urge to throw said tv out the window. Commercial Rage is a very common thing.

I used to love commercials - when I was a baby I would play all the way through the show and then stop to watch the ads. :o) But now they are cheesy and stupid and make me want to throw things at the tv.

Hope you're having an awesome day!

Betsy said...

When I saw the title of this blog I immediately had a flashback to my first "boyfriend" in Jr. High and my first "real" kiss.....lmao! Gagging it was, indeed.

I don't have a cell phone, so I never pay attention to cell commercials. I can tell you that here in Nebraska it's Alltel that rules the roost...but I couldn't say anything else, heh.

I don't watch much TV, I couldn't even tell you what current ads are on. I do get annoyed at the cheesy male enhancement commercials with that guy with the goofy grin and all the ladies looking at him like he's a lollipop ready to be er....enjoyed. ;)

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said...

As an employee of an ad agency, I have to say...whether or not you like them, they do have that "sticky factor". Meaning you obviously remember them (even if they make you barf).

Ron said...


I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED your #2 commercial idea for Kay Jewelers! I actually think it's both brilliantly clever and sweet!

Ok, I guess cause you and I live on the eastcoast and have Verizon as our carriers, I must agree...I truly love them. I had AT&T when I lived in Florida and couldn't stand them. When I had a cell phone I also used Verizon as my carrier and never had a problem with them.

This is another reason why I never turn on my TV...commericals. There use to only be one or two commercials during a sitcom. But now it's like every 5 minutes. TV is like watching advertising. That's why I only like HBO or Showtime stuff - no commercials.

However, I have watched European commercials and I think they're much more interesting and creative then ours.

GRANDE post, my friend!

Thoroughly enjoyed it!

Hope you had a wonderful day!


Unknown said...

The commercial started wrong and ended even worse.The fact? It was plain dumb!

wendy said...

The last ad for the guy supposedly inept at signing is one I have seen. And I was wondering while watching this ad why the guy can't use sign language after he's supposed to have been with his girlfriend long enough to be buying her such an expensive gift. Or maybe they haven't been dating,it was a one night-er and the sex was outstanding and he felt that it warranted an expensive gift. LOL! Sorry people, my mind just works that way ;)

kathryn said...

Krissi: Yes, you are #1! And you've mentioned Sprint! Where are you?? Ah...Utah. I'll allow it. So, AT&T's not so hot there, either...huh?

ValleyWriter: I KNOW! I've moaned for 3 consecutive years about the "Kay" ads...why aren't they listening to me?? (IT's gonna be a looong 6 weeks!

Kimberly: Ain't it the truth! I also love my DV-R. Ya know how I wind up seeing these ads? 'Cause I FORGET I'm watching a tape! DUH.

KellyGrrl: Oh, it's SO annoying! I'm SO over it. Do you think anyone checks with a sample audience before they release this stuff?

Lauren: Freakin' thank you!! I KNOW. I could TOTALLY write a better ad than THEY can! (Sorry, Mom and Dad!)

Fierce: You are one LUCKY girl! But, I'm guessing you probably have your own ads there that annoy the crap out of you!

Collette: YES. She totally agrees w/me on EVERYTHING. MY kinda gal! It seems to get earlier and earlier and they play these ads more and more...right? Enough!

Oddyoddyo13: Well, yeah. That would be the Premium Channels, but then no sitcoms (or not many) and Satellite Radio, right? I don't have either!

Spot: Oh, yay for good deals! That's definitely a matter what! Honey, we don't HAVE that Walmart ad here...thank GAWD. See? We all have our nightmare-ads in different versions....

kathryn said...

Allegria: HA! This was a fabulous comment!! Yes, yes and YES! Love it!

Kristen: HA! You are so right on..."creepy voice". I find myself thinking, "Is this for real?" The DV-R is great, but sometimes I forget I'm watching it and sit thru all the ads anyway. (duh.)

Gavin: Lots of ppl are going that route, I believe. Hey, if it means less ads, I'm all for it!

Heather: I know! Actually, it's all on the DV-R...and I agree about the high end stuff. I love when they yank out the car ad with the bow on top? many people do YOU know who got a car for Christmas??

Runnergirl: I would LOVE to write some ads! You hardly ever see the really witty ones anymore (although MAC ads are good). Usually, even if it's good, they play it way too often!

dailyseeking: Thank you! I'm glad to have the support, so I know I'm not losing my freakin' mind! And hey...ANY time is a good time to laugh!

Mark Price: HEY. I don't care where you buy your shiny baubles...I just don't wanna lose my lunch over it! So, honestly Mark: did ya pick up the gum and put it back in your mouth?? ( one'll know....)

book*addict: HA! See? In the beginning of your comment you're a bit conflicted, but you totally ranted by the end! Yes, dead zones= scary, but they're past that now. The Kay ads are just downright annoying. Hope your day was great too, sweetie!

Elfie: Well, I'm glad you've been spared the torture....from the ad companies, anyway. You STILL had to hear it from ME, but that's infinitely better!

Lifelove'n'wine: Oh, I'm SOOOOO glad you let 'em rip, honey!! I'm totally nodding and saying, "Uh huh! You GO, girl!" I forgot about What's her name-('s just so transparent) she's talking about how her mom inspired her...(gag)

~:C:~ Oh, I haven't seen a DeBeers ad in forever! If I remember correctly, they're actually very GOOD. I have no prob with GOOD ads, or even mediocre ones...but some just do me in!

Tinkerschnitzel: Aren't they AWFUL?? How EVER will we make it to Christmas??

Amy: I know, I know! I could've made this post 3X longer from all the different, annoying ads!

smileyfreak: Oh, I can't imagine...that would totally send me over the edge!!

jmberrygirl: I know! Thanksgiving winds up just being the "cusp" to the real PUSH towards the retail KING of holidays in December. Yay.

Carissajaded: HA! Yes, I totally agree on the Kay ads. I felt the same way at first. Now, I'm just OVER it. I've heard good things about Sprint...but elsewhere. No-one seems to like AT&T.

Smoog: Yep...annoying as hell. But, good fodder for blogging and I'm taping everything anyway!

Gingerella: Ew! That ad sounds NASTY! We don't have that one...I don't think, anyway. You're better off finding other ways to spend your days. Like reading!

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt: NO....don't EVEN. I know that any press is good press, but a barfy ad will not make me run out and look for their store! Esp. if you make me endure it a kazillion times. You may pass this rant along...

kathryn said...

RON! Welcome back, handsome! You've been missed! I can tell you never watch tv...and I don't blame you one bit! These commercials have gotten out of control...especially at this time of year.

Lily Johnson: I totally agree. And you've summed it up beautifully.

Wendy Blum: OMG! I NEVER even thought of that! You're freakin' brilliant! That'll help take my mind off how much I HATE it!

Belle said...

This is why God invented TIVO. ;)

Anonymous said...

Ok class, our word for today is "ping" *points to blackboard with stick*
definition - an audio alert received when a blackberry contact wishes to chat with another blackberry contact on the software "blackberry messenger"
Now, who needs me to define "an", "when" or "to"?

Alicia said...

I saw these commercials both last night. Hate the Kay's one. C'mon...real life isn't like that. But I love looking at Luke...he's so dreamy. I can watch that one at least 6000 times.

He can lose his wallet in my bed anytime!

wendy said...

I had to tell you that my husband thinks the guy giving his hearing impaired gal an expensive gift is because he's thanking her for......the sound of silence*sung just like the Simon and Garfunkel song*! The gift that keeps on giving. At least from a man's perspective. I love my husband. I'm thinking of asking him to buy me some EXTRA LARGE Rubbermaid containers for Christmas. Then HIS mug will be on the Lowe's video surveillance tape. Not that I've been watching episodes of Snapped and knew to do that *evil laughter*

Mauritius Resto said...

Good post. It's a definite read through and through. Keep it up.

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said...

Sorry I went there. I do have to say that I had not seen their "storm" spot until the same day you posted this. I was lying in bed and it took everything in my not to laugh my ass off. What a dumb commercial.

Jenny said...

The "read my lips" line seriously makes me want to punch things. I haven't seen the other one THANK GOODNESS.

kathryn said...

Belle: Yes, thank God for Tivo! It has saved us from complete insanity!!

Fierce: Ooooooh! Now I've got it! Ok! If you see an odd request come through over the next few days, you'll know it was ME!

Alicia: I hear you. Let's just write him a more dignified ad...representing the *winning* team!!

Wendy Blum: Oh, are soooo bad! (He's not reading this, right??) You've got a devious mind...I like that about you!!!

Mauritius Resto: Thank you very much.

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIT: Oops. Sounds like I jinxed ya...sorry about that!

Jenny: Uh-huh. Like maybe punch....I dunno...the director? And maybe the marketing ppl? Just for starters, anyway...?

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