Monday, November 23, 2009

Judge & Jury

I recently caught an episode of 48 Hours Mystery. If you haven’t seen it, it’s probably because you have an active social life and are not usually available to watch television at 10pm on a Saturday night.

Get. Off. My. Blog.

The premise of these shows is always the same: Someone died. Someone else is on trial for the murder of said deceased person. Person on trial swears they didn’t do it. We get to hear all the gruesome details about how they liked to have naughty sex in the most troublesome of ways…oh, and we get to hear about the murder scene, too.

It’s supposed to be objective, with the reporter giving you the information from both the prosecution's and the defense's angles…but it rarely works out that way. Within the first five minutes of airtime I’ve already announced the verdict (usually to the dog), whilst rolling my eyes dramatically. But I watch the other 55 minutes…just to be sure.

The other night, it was the wife who was behind bars. She had really long blonde hair that she kept flipping over her shoulder, then tilting her head in just such a way that it would slip over her shoulder and back to the front.

Then, she would flip it again. Over and over. For 55 minutes.

She said she was an entertainer and a choreographer. She was actually a showgirl and a stripper. Potay-to, potat-o

She says she was infertile, so she decided to have a rip-roaring good ‘ole time and travel and date and gamble and strip and dance and be decadent ‘cause she didn’t have to be a responsible person if she didn’t have children. (Hey, she said it…not me.)

She said she got married “a few times”. In actuality, it was seven. Seven.

Then she marries this guy and he pays for all these infertility treatments and she becomes pregnant. They have a son. They’re married for "eight blissful years", according to her. “He was a good man,” she says…whilst flipping her annoying hair off her shoulder. Hubby drives off on business road trip, hits bad weather and decides to turn around and head on home.

(This is the part where the dog and I shout at the teevee, “Nooooooo! Don’t do it! You’re gonna be murdered and mutilated and mayhem shall ensue!!! They’ll find only your torso stuffed in a big blue Rubbermaid container a few miles from your home in the desert!!!” But, it’s too late.)

He goes missing and everyone’s worried, except for the wife…who’s shopping for a brand new, super-shiny, black grand piano and a bunch of other stuff, when she isn’t flipping her stupid freakin' annoying long hair out of the way.

Oh, and she’s been having an affair. The deceased’s mother keeps calling and calling, looking for her son…and it’s annoying the crap outta blondie. “She was always jealous of me,” blondie says, flipping her I wanna strangle her with it long hair. It didn’t help when the detective in charge of the investigation calls her to request she take a polygraph test and the boyfriend’s voice is there in the background, telling the detective to go eff herself.

Good drama. Good teevee.

Idiot boyfriend pisses off detective. Detective gets search warrant. Search warrant is delivered by SWAT team. (Can you say “r-a-t-i-n-g-s”??) Idiot boyfriend tries to take down SWAT team…idiot boyfriend gets boo-boos….everywhere.

Still, in the end…blondie takes the fall. She swears up, down and sideways that SHE didn’t do it…the boyfriend did it. She swears! It must be true!

The jury was out for only two hours of deliberation. The most damning piece of evidence against blondie? Not the excessive spending….nor the boyfriend…or the fact that she resisted reporting her husband as missing….it was….(wait for it)…

…the surveillance videotape from Lowe’s of blondie at the checkout buying the BIG BLUE RUBBERMAID CONTAINER!!! She had no explanation for that one. They gave her life. No parole. I do believe she’s appealing. You can’t make this sh!t up.

I’ll never look at a Rubbermaid container the same again.

Anonymous said...

haha. Nice one Kathryn.
Ok I didn't catch that but you can't make me get off your blog :P
No it's not because of my totally insane roller-coaster social life, it's the lack of said social life which keeps me up till 3 in the morning doing homework, hence: no TV for me... :(
Blondie really shoulda looked for a wig when she was buying that rubber maid. I mean seriously, the most suspicious thing ANYONE can do is go out in the middle of the night (just guessing) to buy a rubbermaid from a store WITH a surveillance camera. That's what rubbermaid dealers are for, damn it! I mean, there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING suspicious about a married woman having an affair and buying expensive cars shortly after her husband goes missing and not reporting said husband missing, no! That rubbermaid is a dead *cough* (no pun intended) giveaway.
That sure does sound like good TV though!

BlackLOG said...

Oh my god, I just popped into the basement of ‘From the inside…. Out’, to pickup some stuff that I left behind and found your receipt for the extra large Rubbermaid bin. It was dated a couple of days before I moved out. Sounds like I got out just in time.....Stop flicking your hair at me Kathryn, it’s not my fault I missed a few of your blogs I was busy….Don’t worry I’ll catch up on the old editions in my own time

Cynica Sarcastamos said...

Those pesky Lowe's surveillance cameras are the only reason I don't kill more of my husbands.
I'm with Fierce on the wig thing. I've planned the imaginary murders of several friends, employees and politicians over the years and if it weren't for Law & Order, I'd be writing this from some cell block on Rikers.
I am a shameless L & O whore and since I can find some version of it on at least one of the three thousand five hundred and forty two channels 25 hours a day, I'm booked forever. At least thru 2012, because... well. You know.
But if L&O ever does go away completely, I will certainly be in the market for another waste of my life in 60 minute increments minus the ads.
Thanks for the tip, K!

Anonymous said...

Egad! I bought two blue Rubbermaid containers for the stuff I left at my parents' house. What if someone breaks in, and steals them, and then offs their spouse AND their mother in law, and then stashes the bodies in my containers, and I go down for the double homocide? *bites lip* Does anyone know if Kuwait has an extradition treaty with Canada? Anyone?...

Heather said...

LOL, hilarious! Your spin on it that is.

It was the hair that made her do it!

Runnergirl said...

What's Rubbermaid?

jh said...

So funny!!!!!!! I too am obsessed with 48 Hours. Now I know why we're friends. I'll never look at Lowe's the same, & I have to go there today-aargh.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

OOh, sorry to have missed that one!

f8hasit said...

I've a basement full of Rubbermaids...
Now to just add bodies to them. You'll keep my secret, right?

Don't make me come over there...

Jen T said...

Oh my god, Kathryn! This is too funny because I NEVER watch that show, but I happened to be bored out of my mind on Saturday and ended up seeing that exact episode! Her hair flipping was ridiculous! And hello, who gets to wear THAT much make-up when they're in jail??? She looked like Mimi!

Dreamfarm Girl said...

Remember when tv was only dramas and sitcoms, so at least when the plot was horrendous and cruel and the characters displayed their annoying habits, you could comfort yourself with the thought that it's only make-believe. sigh. the good old days.

Mark Price said...

ok this is what happens when i sleep in an extra hour, everything is taken on the flipping,taken...rubbermaid,taken...ugh! so I guess all thats left is to just say HI Kathryn! Lovin yer posts!

Spot said...

Huh. I believe someone told you on Saturday night that she was guilty. Oh wait that was me! And I wasn't even watching the show because my boring Saturday nights are filled with ghost tv. You should definately come over to the darkside with me. Because no one flips their hair after a ghost scares the s**t out of them!

I knew Rubbermaid was evil...


Betsy said...

Sounds like I missed an entertaining evening of TV bliss! ;) My Husband loves to watch those murder shows like City Confidential and Snapped. And then he'll tell me to not get any ideas about killing him because he knows what signs to watch out for since he watches these shows, lol! Ah, bless where did I put that arsenic....

Áine said...

That was so bizarre you couldn't make it up! :) lol

Unknown said...

I love that stuff! My favorite, favorite kind of teevee. Especially on the rare occaisions that they actually surprise me. Matlock always surprised me. I never seemed to guess "who done it" with that show like the newer ones. Sad. There are five hours left in my work week! Should have lots of tv time tomorrow!

Brooke said...

Why would anyone want to get off your blog when you describe it so well that I actually felt like I was watching it? I'm hooked on the show snapped.. Sometimes it's just to good. Anyways.. I'm new to the blogger..And looking to meet new people. Love your blog.

Ron said...


The whole time I'm reading this I could just picture my hateful sister (with blonde hair that she FILPPED) doing this and then being stupid enough to get caught at Lowe's ON CAMERA!

Ok...I think you just got me addicted to another TV show - thank you very much! I think after I finish watching all 7 seasons of Project Runway, I may have to see if they have 48 hours on DVD.

And yes, my friend...I will never look at a piece of Rubbermaid the same way again.

I think I may have to switch to Tupperware!


Great post, Kathryn!

Hope you're having a great Tuesday.


carissajaded said...

Holy wowsa's. My roommates are always watching tivod episodes of this show and I even hear them making noises and commenting like they are really interested. But they also watch HGTV and Food network 24/7 and act really interested watching that too. I usually use that time to listen to a podcast or watch something else during this time because I thought it would be boring. Guess you just proved otherwise. I just read your post like I was actually watching it. Loves it.

Anonymous said...

I've heard of the show...never watched a full ep though. I get bored easily. XD Oooh, I noticed that you have 599 followers.


That ought scare a few peeps away. XD

Alicia said...

It must be so much fun to watch TV with you and the I watch the same kinda stuff sometimes but don't really get so into it.

Wish I could be #600, but I'm already following. Good luck though!

Jen said...

I was sure you were going to say it was here hair that did her in. At least I was hoping you were going to say that. Maybe she strangled him with it, or he grabbed a bunch as she was putting him in the Rubbermaid container but she didn't notice it and they busted her based on all the DNA. I was so hoping something had happened to her hair. Did they at least make her cut it when she got to prison?

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said...

I love that show but my life is so full of fun and excitement I'm usually ASLEEP by 10pm on Saturday's.

BTW...I totally expected them to find strands of her hair to convict her with.

Moonrayvenne said...

Great post! Just like I was watching it. I used to watch Law & Order but then they added SVU & another & it was just getting too many to keep up with! WHEW!
I will have you know that I, too, have a few rubbermaid containers for storing seasonal clothing. (but, clothing can be emptied quickly...MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)

wendy said...

Love this! Love how the idiot boyfriend got boo-boos..everywhere,LOL! And I was actually waiting for you to write that the damning evidence was a really long strand of blond hair! As much as she flipped it around there had to be some of it flipping-pun intended-all over the place. Whatever happened to the detectives looking for dna evidence? Although how can you deny being in Lowe's with a gynormous Rubbermaid container and video to prove it. Moral, don't try this at home kiddies, you WILL be caught and get life in prison or boo-boos..everywhere! LOL

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Hmm. You watch some interesting TV. Hey, at least they aren't Kay commercials.

Anonymous said...

Yeah I missed that episode. Not because I have a social life either.

I thought the evidence was a piece of hair too. Maybe they are saving that for another episode.

Lauren said...

I hate hair flippers so I love what you said about strangling her with her hair. Oh, right... you crossed that out. I agree with it anyway! It's particularly annoying when you're behind a hair flipper in line. I don't like hair in my face, much less some stranger's. By the way, read this post on the giant projector in my media class.

Unknown said...

Note to self: Cross out rubbermaid container on shopping list!

Gay Guy said...

Okay, let me get this straight: "Hubby goes missing and the wife goes shopping for a brand new, super-shiny, black grand piano." Diamond? A gigilo? Disappear into the Caribbean? Sure. Grand piano? Who cares if she's guilty, she's a freak.

Unknown said...

I didn't see that show ... but not because I have a social life. I was probably where I am right now. Commenting on someone's blog.

Who needs tv when they can just go read Kathryn's blog? I mean, really.

Thanks for sharing your twist on it. Once again you made me laugh out loud. DH is probably wondering what the heck I'm doing.

Unknown said...

Isn't that always the way... it's always the big blue rubbermaid containers that give 'em away.

I watch these crime shows occasionally and seriously... I just want to smack some people with a clue-by-four!!!

Clandestiny said...

OMG I totally love watching true crime shows and we've got an entire channel of em! Add all the different Law & Orders, an occassional Notorious, I Survived, and various others and I'm either so prepared to stop a mad murder spree or start one without getting caught EVER!!! lol

Tom Bailey said...

I do not watch TV other than the occasional MMA fight, documentary on biography or as backround noise at a friends house.

I found reading about television here intriguing though. You write so well it made reading about it interesting and timesaving without being bombarded with ads.

I liked your analysis.

Best regards,
Tom Bailey

Junk Drawer Kathy said...

That show sucks me in every time. Your assessment of how they always, always run their course is spot on. And this can't be the first time someone was videotaped buying either the murder weapon (usually at a Home Depot or Lowe's) or a storage container to toss the body (or parts) in.

They should have a 48 Hours channel, for crying out loud. Because Saturday night is not the only night I'm doing absolutely nothin'.

Happy Thanksgiving, sweetie! Eat til you puke!

Rambles'N'Shambles said...

we do not have that show in Australia

and....just WHAT IS a Blue Rubbermaid container, all I could picture was one of those maple syrup bottles shaped like agirl, but jumbo sized and blue. Did she shove her husband in something like that?

See that there, THAT would be entertaining, especially if there was still maple syrup in the bottle

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, my GOD! Here I've been wasting my life on Real Housewives of Wherever, and all this DRAMA WITH MURDER is going on right under my nose!

I gotta start watching this show.

"Idiot boyfriend tries to take down SWAT team"

Yeah, that usually ends well.

kathryn said...

Fierce: I love your *cough* pun intended "dead giveaway" it! I'm sure it never occurred to blondie to don a wig...that wud've covered up that hair she was so obsessed with!

BlackLOG: Ha. NO hair-flicking here....and even if I ever DID, I would have STOPPED after seeing how annoying it looked on blondie.

Cynica Sarcastamos: So, what have we learned, grasshopper? send *someone else* to buy the Rubbermaid at Lowes, since you're busy watching L&O anyway. It's THAT simple.

~:C:~ Okay. Here's what we'll do: We'll wait till next Halloween, dress up like Bugs Bunny & Daffy to Loews and buy 2 NEW Rubbermaid containers (and a ton of Febreeze for the stench from the deceased), load your discarded stuff left strewn about (to make room for the deceased) into the NEW containers, prominently display YOUR name on the NEW ones, we'll write "I DON'T KNOW WHOSE CONTAINERS THESE ARE" on the "tainted" ones, then we'll vacation in Jamaica till the heat's off. (Pun intended)

kathryn said...

Heather: Yes, that hair would have made ANYONE go MAD, I tell ya!!!

Runnergirl: Those plastic storage containers that hold everything from leftover food to HUGE tubs that hold...well...evidently bodies, amongst other things!!

kathryn said...

jh: Did you give M the evil eye whilst passing the Rubbermaid section?? HA! I never knew you were obsessed with those shows, too!

Maureen@IslandRoar: That's okay. They're all pretty much the same...don't you think?

F8hasit: "Yes ma'am. (she responds timidly...eyes darting left and right)Your secret's safe with me!"
One question, though: anybody I know??!

lifelove'n'wine: Oh, JEN! I can't believe you saw it too! How great is that! And I KNOW about the makeup...and I loved the way she kept looking up and dramatically sighing. She was not the most...likable person I've ever seen.

Dreamfarm Girl: Yep....exactly right! This gal was granted a videocam so we could watch her tape a "diary" of her time leading up to the trial. Oh. The. Drama. (Yes, I understand it was serious, dramatic circumstances...but somehow, it just felt all...wrong.)

Mark Price: Thank you, kind sir! take all the hours of sleep you can get! I'm a HUGE believer in s-l-e-e-p...zzzzzzzzz.

Spot: Yeah, well...YOU said she was guilty just 'cause I told you that her long blonde hair and overdone makeup was pissing me off. That's not really grounds for guilt, ya know. If I watch tv with you, I'd have to hide IN the Rubbermaid!

Gingerella: Well. Tell hubby that most of these shows are about how to *cover up* the scene...ya know...after the fact. He'll be "the deceased" by then, so a lot of good it'll do him. (I'm just saying....)

smileyfreak: That's so true! And lifelove'n'wine confirmed it, 'cause she saw it too!

jmberrygirl: How are you old enough to know Matlock? You must be watching some archived tv station, sweetie. It's rare for me to be surprised as well. That's why I loved the movie A Beautiful Mind.

Brooke: Why, thank you...and welcome! Of course, you've picked an extremely good blog to visit...and any one of the commenters here will offer you an equally good read. Hope to see you again!

RON! Oooooh....I've now gotten a good mental picture of your sister. But seriously....blonde and stupid?? I mean...that's so...cliche. Just remember, Bruno- (I mean, Ronnie...oops) if anybuddy crosses us, we just take care of 'em wit da Rubbermaid. Got it?? Oh, and gimmie a big smackeroo. xoxo

kathryn said...

carissajaded: It was pretty funny. Usually the characters aren't quite so....colorful.

Gavin: You've probably never heard of the show 'cause you have a LIFE on a Saturday night. And YES...I am STILL at 599 and it's starting to DRIVE ME (a little) CRAZY.

Alicia: You're welcome to join us anytime! We have a rip-roaring Saturday night...between me with my wine and Metro with his 90-year-old hacking (allergies)...we make quite the team!

Jen: Nope. She still had that long, annoying, flippy hair. I KNEW you'd be expecting the hair...that's exactly why I made a big deal about it. To throw you off!

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt: Believe me...if I could have changed the ending, that's what I would have done!

Collette: Okay, you guys are starting to freak me out a little bit. WAY too many women with Rubbermaid containers that they sound a little TOO HAPPY to empty. Therefore, please be aware that I DO NOT HAVE BAIL MONEY.

kathryn said...

Wendy Blum: HA! Yeah....boyfriend was such an idiot...and yet, managed to keep himself out of jail! Detective admitted that "some trace evidence may have been lost in the initial finding of the remains", ie: hair strands, etc. I guess it was too boring for teevee.

Oddyoddyo13: Oh, if only that were true, my dear. I'll let you know if any Kay ads marred my mystery-tv experience this evening...

Christiejolu: I'll bet you're right. Can't have long blonde hair be the undoing of EVERY murdering wife!

Lauren: Glad you agree with me about the hair-flippers. You read my blog HOW???? That sounds very SCARY. I hope you were the only one in the room at the time!!

kathryn said...

WannabeVirginiaW: HA! might want to hold off on buying any Rubbermaid containers for a bit. Or, at least...wear a HAT!

GayGuy: I KNOW! I was a shiny, black grand piano!! It was so bizarre, they described it and showed a photo of it. She's FREAKYGUILTY.

Kimberly: Aw, thanks sweetie! I'll try to keep you up to speed on anything you miss whilst surfing da web...

Smoog! HA! So, educate us...oh, wise one....what works betta than da Rubbermaid?!

Clandestiny: HA! So, you're the "Go To" person for planning or solving all the local who-done-its?? I'll keep this in mind!

Tom Bailey: You're very welcome. I'm happy to give you MY version of any show that catches my fancy. You're welcome to it!

JunkDrawerKathy: Ha! I totally many times have these idiots been caught in the checkout lane...using their credit lady used her scanning card for the market. Yikes! Hope you're Thanksgiving was fabulous, dahling!

Ranbles"N"Shambles: HA! Yes, now THAT would be entertaining television!!! I'm afraid it's just a BIG, boring old oversized plastic container. Sigh.....

JD at I Do Things: "Yesh...amd now I tawk liwk dis," says idiot boyfriend. Shame. Somehow, the SWAT team knocked him down...he still doesn't know what hit him.

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