Saturday, October 3, 2009

An Unnatural Position

Okay people….minds out of the gutter. We’re talking about yoga here….at least, I’m pretty sure it’s yoga.

I’ll have to check my channel guide to be sure. I am truly amazed by the stuff you can find on teevee these days. A very good friend of mine (it’s Jackie) showed me months and months ago how our cable provider had workout videos just sitting there…free for the asking…if only I can remember what channel they’re on. Once I found the channel, I had to look under “freebies” and then I was lost again. For the life of me, I could not find these videos. The logical thing to do would have been to call Jackie, but I’m nothing if not tenacious…and admittedly, somewhat stubborn as well. I was going to do this ON MY OWN. All by MYSELF. (Said with the foot stomp of a petulant two-year–old)

They’d artfully hidden it under “Sportskool”. What would have made me think to look THERE? Ultimately, with no other options left, I clicked. There I found a virtual plethora of choices:


  • Abdominal strengthening (Otherwise known as “If you can’t close your pants anymore, you’re in the right place.”)
  • Knee/Hip Pain (“Whipper-Snappers Not Welcome.”)
  • Ultimate Guys Workout (“A place where men can be manly men and learn how to burp the alphabet; balance a full mug of beer, a bowl of pretzels, walk and ogle some woman without spilling; and how to surreptitiously rearrange oneself whilst in a four star restaurant.”)
  • Yoga for golfers (You cannot make this crap up. Seriously.)

And finally, my favorite:

  • FLEX. (Defined as “regenerate your body and recover from exercise.”) 29 minutes. Can't I just omit the workout, hit the mall, grab a bite to eat, park my car really far away from the stores and have the end result be the same? I'll "recover from the exercise" on the way home in the car, dinking my smoothie and chomping down on my cinnamon/sugar pretzel from Auntie Annie's…yum.

Okay, FINE. So, here’s the thing. I’m at a great weight (due to the unhealthy fact that I’m basically too stressed to eat very much) but I’m not toned, probably because I’m not 25 years old anymore. Are you shocked? Welcome to my mirror.

Anyway, I’ve been saying for the last few months that “if I could just tone up, I’d be in pretty good shape”. (I think what I actually said to Jackie was “I’d better start exercising if I want to make it through another year without catching another cold and almost dying. Remember? The one that almost killed me? The phlem? The sneezing? Me sounding like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer when his dad put the fake black nose over his red one? Remember?? ("Id's nob bewy comfable!") I do believe her only response was, 'Well doll, if you worked out every now and then, your resistance might be a bit higher' or, something to that effect. I know she said it with love, but geez. At least she was smiling when she said it, probably 'cause she was remembering Rudolph and comparing his red nose to mine.

So, I decided to start with the “Ab Strenthening”. I figured “How hard can it be? I’ve seen the actress who plays Charlie’s mother on Two and a Half Men doing something called ‘downward-facing dog’, and she’s WAY older than I…

…so surely I can do THIS.”

Okay, so it’s a little harder than I'd thought. Within the first five minutes, the host basically informed me that I’ve been breathing incorrectly since the age of 3. The next ten minutes were spent re-teaching me how to breathe properly…then she got into the heavy stuff. She sat me in the lotus position and then reprimanded me for not sitting up straight. (I believe she suggested I pretend I had a spikey steel rod stuck down the back of my tank top, pressing against my spine to keep it straight. My thoughts ran towards somewhere else she could put that spiky, shiny, steel rod. Grrrrrrr.) And, how did she know I wasn't sitting ramrod straight, anyway? Unless everyone's in the sitting-question-mark position...and then maybe there should have been another option under Sportskool called "How to stand STRAIGHT so you're not always looking at the floor and your shoulders aren't so hunched that your 'ta-tas' have met up with your abs and are leaving smiling-face-marks there from the underwire in your bra." (Of course, this would just be for us gals....I'll leave the guys alone....for now.)

Then the REAL WORKOUT began. She had me folded in more positions than a cloth napkin at Daniel.
Not only was she assuming positions that seemed anatomically impossible, but she was talking whilst doing them...a feat I found downright impressive, awe-inspiring, infuiriating.

She was SO showing off.

I did my best…really. I found some semblance of the positions she assumed…not always so easy when you can’t take your eyes off the teevee (mounted a good four feet up the wall), lest you inaccurately parrot her practiced movements and punctured a lung, or something.

I almost didn’t start it at all, after seeing this disclaimer prominently displayed:

Sportskool is not liable for any injury or accident befalling any viewers of this programming.

So, in conclusion....

...Yoga may/may not be for me. Starting with this particular torture "workout", may not have been for me. Maybe I'm just one of those people who can get away with telling my doctor that I have "an active lifestyle"....

Or, maybe I've got to try again tomorrow. Right now, I'm in the mood for one of those pretzels....

Kiwi said...

All right, I'll admit, I can do yoga. I definitely understand your difficulty with it (and, as it seems, everyone else in the world's problem). Twisting up like a little pretzel is definitely not for everyone. Granted, I'm a "young'un," so I'm pretty flexible. Yoga is one of those things that just requires a lot of time and effort. If you keep doing it, it gets easier for you. Then again, you could always take up something else, like running.

Spot said...

Ack!!! Did Kiwi say "running"? Why, why for the love of Pete would you do that unless something was chasing you?! Running I do not get. I do enjoy me some yoga & pilates though. When I'm inspired, which is maybe every two years.

Go to the mall...recuperate!

♥Spot

Ron said...

Being someone who has practiced yoga(and still does a few times a week), I've come to the conclusion that it's much more challenging than say, working out at the gym.

Some of those positions take alot of time to eventually execute them. And some I still struggle with.

There are also so many types of yoga. I seem to find more help through slower moving yoga - and more medative.

With yoga, it's more of a mind-body-spirit thing. I found some positions to actually bring up emotions while I was doing them.

oooo....and I'm with you, girl!

There's nothing like a Auntie Annie's!!!

Especially WHILE I'm doing yoga!

It's NIRVANA

HAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHA!

Have a great Saturday!
XO

Lauren said...

God invented vitamins so people didn't have to work out in order to build an immune system... yeesh... Clearly I work out a lot. I don't actually take vitamins either. Maybe you shouldn't listen to me... Yeah, maybe stick to the yoga. Never know, chicky on screen might tie herself in a knot and then who'll be laughing?

JP said...

I kinda like my mind in a gutter.

Like anything else, Yoga is good in moderation. They make things for those of us who can't quite make the positions... they make straps and bricks to help us... check 'em out and do the yoga...

BTW... Yoga is hot.

Paige said...

It sounds like you're on the right track. At least you're at your ideal weight. If you think you're interested in yoga, I recommend Denise Austins's Yoga Body Burn. (With a little practice) it's very doable on a multiple times a week basis. If I can do it, you can. Plus, it feels GREAT!

Cynica Sarcastamos said...

I love people who do yoga. I however, will never be one of them. I hate yoga. Plus I'm allergic. But I really love GUYS who are into it. They're so Sex in the City Aidan, ya know? Me, I WALK on the treadmill at the steepest incline for 2-3 miles at about 2.5 mph. I love this machine cuz while it keeps my butt small (sort of) and super tight (mostly), it has a little shelf on each side - one for my martini and the other for my KFC. Now if you ask me, the designer of this machine was thinkin'. Perfect!

Insanity said...

Ok...that made me tired just reading that. No way I'm going to actually try it. xD I'll just stick with my running and martial arts training thanks.

Kimberly said...

I will admit, I have never tried yoga. I hear the "yoga pants" are very comfortable though. Maybe you should just start there. ;) Buy some pants, look like you know what you are doing. And grab a pretzel while you are shopping for your pants!

Actually I go to aerobics 3-5 days a week at the YMCA and I love it! I sweat like a pig (I know, I know - pigs don't sweat!) and I feel great the rest of the day (after I get showered, of course). If I could just keep the junk from entering my mouth (how does it get there?), I might actually lose a few pounds. :)

Great post, as usual! Thanks for the flw also!
~Kimberly

Jenna said...

Hey! You should try just going to youtube.com and searching for things like: pilates, beginnger yoga, at home exercises, things like that. They have short videos, its all free! I've learned alot of things there that I can do at home, and because anyone can make an account and anyone can watch them, you get a LARGE variety.

caesar said...

hey! great post.
i think i can do yoga.
hahha..learned alot of things from youtube.
try it.

thanks

Mark Price said...

I like bluberries in my yoga. Or strawberries.

jai said...

hey Kathryn,

your thoughts on yoga were fun to read....though im sorry that its seems painful to you rt now.

Yoga is one of those things that take a while to like and get used to it. so give it some time.

Fumbling confidence said...

I had the same genius idea back in the summer after noticing some intriguing (read low impact) workout shows on tv. I decided to try "Shimmy". Half way through trying to figure out how to make my hips go in circles, my daughter walked in. You would have thought they caught me naked with another man. They were horrified and laughing hysterically. I was so traumatized, I haven't done it again. I have an ab roller that I pull out when I'm sure no one is around.

Tessie said...

I want to try Yoga someday... but I figure since I am moving to China on Monday I should see about learning basic tai-chi while I am there. Anyone ever try it?

Kathryn said...

Kiwi: Running? As in away from something? Like a rabid dog...or a territorial Candian Goose, per se? Or, do you mean running for a bus, perhaps? (JK) Yes, I will keep trying...if for nothing else than some "SERENITY NOW!!!" Thanks for the comment! (I can't return the comment on your site...it says your profile's not available.)

Aw Spot! I hadn't read your comment before I made the one above! HA! We think alike...(what a surprise). Yeah, run out for milk, running late to a meeting...can't quite see the point behind running for pleasure.

Oh, Ron! You Dali Lama, you....I can just see you twisted up like a pretzel...eating an Auntie Annie's pretzel!! ("Serenity NOW, dammit!")

Lauren, I LIKE the way you think! She really annoyed the crap out of me...no breathlessness...you'd think she was casually conversing over a cocktail or two. Well, minus the slurring, of course.

JP: Straps? Bricks? Are we talking about yoga or torture? Wait! They're one in the same for me! HA.
Sorry....I couldn't resist.

Paige: Can I hold you to this?? I know it works if I'm in excrutiating pain when I cough, sneeze, laugh or breathe. Otherwise, it's no good. I'll def check it out! Thanks...

Cynica Sarcastamos: HA! So, now I'm wondering...which is the made-up part? The actual walking or the martini and KFC in the side holders?? I'm guessing the latter...at least until 5pm. Kudos to you for walking on that blasted thing...I have one in the garage...I'll sell it to the highest bidder....cheap!

Insanity: Running & martial arts is more than enough, sweetie. You can feel the pain vicariously through me.

Kimberly: Well, therein lies the problem. When you work out, you get hungry..and you feel justified to EAT. Therefore, working out may not really work. I'm just saying...

Jenna: Riiight. Youtube...I always forget about them. I'll def check 'em out, but then I'm dealing with a 17" screen (laptop) and my screensaver kicking in...but it's worth a look! thanks for the comment!

caesar: Thanks! You sound like you understand yoga like I do!(BTW: I can't comment on your blog-the verification box is half covered. You have NO IDEA how many times this happens! Grrrrr.)

Hey Mark! HA! This made me laugh. You're such a GUY. (I mean that in the nicest of ways....)

Kathryn said...

jai: Well, alright. I'll keep trying. If I puncture a lung though, you're the first person I'm emailing.

Fumbling confidence: Well, good for you! I mean, the ab-roller part, not the lookin'-hysterical-at-your-children's-expense part.
Funny...they're always laughing AT us...never WITH us....

Tessie: Now, now dear. We don't need you beating anyone up while you're there. Be a nice American...
(JK)

Chrissy said...

What timing. I HATE yoga. HATE it. But I do know what an awesome workout it is. I JUST got back from the sporting goods store where I bought a yoga block. I've been using Bernie as one for the last few weeks.

Ugh, I feel your pain. And you're probably feeling every muscle in your body that you didn't know you had.

The Confessionist said...

I feel a bit better now... I can't do yoga either :) I mostly just watch the videos and tell them 'stfu', whilst sitting there with my arms crossed, glaring at the screen.

and a pretzel would be nice right now... haha

Kathryn said...

Chrissy: I'm sure Bernie is glad she's been replaced by a block. A yoga block. Bernie looks nothing like a block. I'm imagining her beating the crap outta said block. You'll have to keep me posted. And, why did you buy a yoga block if you hate yoga?

The Confessionist: HA! I'm telling you...they always make it look so easy. That's how they SUCK YOU IN...then you feel crappy if you can't do it, while she's talking about the weather....
Yeah, I never did get that pretzel...

tigerpast said...

You have a collection of boys, right? Whaddyou need an exercise program for? A de-stresser would be more to the point. I've been there - I know.

Lisa (aka LadyWanderlust) said...

I am SO impressed. At least you turned your channel from HGTV or Housewives of Atlanta to the GET OFF YOUR COUCH POTATO ASS AND MOVE Channel AND you actually excercised (or were tortured into a healthy existence). Keep up the good work...do a Doggie Style Lotus Flower (or whatever the hell it's called) for me!

Cheers, LisaB.

Trust Is A Luxury I Can't Afford said...

Listen, I'm not a person that's easily impressed. Just leaving a comment on your blog is showing how impressed I am.

A person with a purpose on your blog that isn't sugarcoating the truth: you fit that description.

I congratulate you on your yoga attempt and wish you luck on your further endeavours.

If you have time between attempting to bend your body into physically impossible positions, I invite you to view my blog if you wish. Farewell.

Anonymous said...

Love ur blog :)
you may like to check mine which i just have started ;)

http://mahsa-theeye.blogspot.com/

jh said...

Good for you girl. Flex is a good one. But the best exercise channel is Exercise TV. It's available on Timewarner (not Cablevision) & some others. Hopefully you have it & just haven't found it yet!http://www.exercisetv.tv/about/

susan F said...

It's true that You Tube has everything. That's how I learned how to spatchcock a chicken. It's a good idea for exercise programs. You can have variety, whenever you want that way.

Kathryn said...

tigerpast: Uh huh, uh huh. It's true...but they're older now. They've been known on occasion to pick ME up. No more chasing after the little ones, unless you count the dog. Thanks for the comment!

Lisa (aka LadyWanderlust): You guys are making me laught a lot today! I do believe it's called "Downward Spacey Lint-Spotter Crapeze Position". You mean I have to do it AGAIN??

Trust is a Luxury I Can't Afford:
I thank you for your kind words, my dear. I make it a point to visit everyone who comments here...unless I can't get THROUGH! You would not believe how many times this happens! Now, I don't finish my comment till I've hit the other tab to see if I can reach your site. (See? 17 windows open and counting!) Thanks for the comment and flw. Keep visiting, commenting and flwg ppl...and you'll see that ppl shud reciprocate.

Anonymous: Thank you! I'll see if I can link there...you should link up so you have an id...makes it easier for ppl to link to your blog. Thanks for the comment!

Hey JH!! Now, honey...you KNOW I don't get Time Warner. Are you teasing me??

Hey Sue! Are you kidding me? What the hell is "spatchcock-ing a chicken"? Do I even want to know?? you're gonna make me look it up, aren't you??

evilteenietiff said...

Note to self:

Infiltrate work out video, push over Yoga instructor whom is in an awkward position, then proceed to eat chocolate in front of the camera, and tell people that they aren't eating the dairy treat right because their fingers aren't clasping the nougat bar in the right position.

lifelove'n'wine said...

Haha! "Id's nob bewy comfable!" This made me laugh...love it:) Good luck with the whole bendy thing. I used to have a yoga tape and hated it because how can I do it right when I have to look at the tv? How??

Kathryn said...

evilteenietiff: Now, THAT I would PAY to see. I could do that workout every single day!

lifelove'n'wine: I KNOW! How am I supposed to face downward and look at the tv at the same time? And yet...somehow, they expect me to.
Grrrrr.

BlackLOG said...

Kathryn Don't do it.... what they don't tell you ...
The hidden dangers of Yoga

NSGIRL said...

A friend & I tried yoga...once. It was too hard not to giggle in all that silence while they are telling you to get into those positions..."pretend you're a tree"! I'm no good in those situations!

Kathryn said...

BlackLOG: Ew! That is SO GROSS. Fortunately, they haven't developed a smell-o-vision as yet...so, I think I'm safe. For now....

NSGIRL: HA! A tree? Are they kidding? I guess it beats the "steel rod in the back", though. Hard to take seriously sometimes!

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