Monday, October 5, 2009

Second Time Around

This is one of my all-time favorite posts. It originates from 6.24.08. I hope you think it's as funny as I do. I'd entitled it "Sinister Subtitles":

So. Jackie and her mom Joyce (or “Foyce”, her secret-agent-Mom-computer-geek code name) invited me to catch a movie and some dinner with them.

It was Saturday afternoon and I was snuggled up with my best bud (laptop) and we were in for a frivolous afternoon of “Let’s try and find more widgets for the blog!” I was dressed in my Saturday afternoon finery: shorts that I bought at Cuffy’s (Cape Cod) without trying them on…they’re about 4 sizes too big…with a drawstring at the waist…and are made out of the same material they use for big fluffy towels at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Connor likes to dry his hands on them. (These are literally the only pair of shorts I own.)

Add to that a tank top that announces CAPE COD, Massachusetts. Clinton Kelly is a huge fan of these shirts: “T-shirts imprinted with city names should only be worn by those too hung-over to realize where they currently are.” Oooooh, SNAP!

Now that you have a proper “mental snapshot” of my attire/attitude/environment, you can imagine that I had quite the debate as to whether I wanted to give all that up for dinner and a movie.

So, okay…it took me about 5 seconds to call Jackie and say “YEAH! Name the place and time, BAY-BEE!”

Jackie’s version of a “movie” is evidently a far cry from mine. See, she’d arranged for us to see an “Independent Film”…which is Jackie-code for a foreign filmin another languagewith subtitles. The film was entitled “Blood Art” and the film’s description read:

"Blood Art" follows detective Giacomo Curreli as he investigates the murder of elderly Signora Marcucci in Sardinia. Is the perpetrator the moody artist who lives upstairs, the strung-out niece of the signora's housekeeper...or are more sinister forces at work?

Oh, boy! I get to spend the next two hours watching a moody artist and a strung-out niece get investigated for the murder of one elderly Signora Marcucci! I wonder why it was important for us to know ahead of time that she was “elderly”…? Was this actually a skillfully-veiled clue as to the identity of the killer? Possibly the “Medic Alert” people of the infamous “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” fame….maybe she refused to pay her bill:

And so, with the dimming of the lights, we were off to Italy. We met the moody artist (who spent the lion’s share of the movie without a shirt on…not that I’m complaining, mind you…just thought you should know, for your own edification.) Anyway, there was a guy-lead-detective, with some Italian name…and a girl detective…who kept calling him “Superintendant”, which may or may not have been an Italian code-name for “guy I’d really like to have a little somethin'-somethin' with, but since he says he’s happily married, I’ll just spend the entire length of this award-winning film batting my eyes at him and making sure he knows in every scene possible that I’m NOT wearing a bra.”

I noticed there were these l-o-n-g spews of Italian dialogue…”Carbana etulio garbonza beans piscuito alonga marto martini flamboosa bilingua carpottio tay infusio morticia”…which would translate on the bottom of the screen to “Let’s talk.” It left me more than a little suspicious that we might not be getting our full money’s worth out of this dialogue...

Maybe they’re assuming that we “stupid foreigners” can’t read any faster….and perhaps they are correct. I DO know that I was rooting around in my purse at one point and I missed several vital-to-the-integral-plot lines of dialogue…I’d temporarily forgotten that the only way to follow the story was to READ for TWO HOURS. So, I had a choice to make.

I could:
A) keep quiet and hope that by reading extra fast and never blinking for the next 90 minutes that I’d miraculously surmise the information I’d missed, or
B) I could try and whisper to the “J’s” around me for a clue.

I went with Plan “B”.

K: (In loud stage-whisper)“Pssssst! Jackie! What just happened? I was tryin’ to find a mint…and now I don’t know….who is that guy?”

Jackie: “What?”

Joyce: “Calducci did it.”

K: “What? Did they say that?”

Jackie: “Did they say what?”

K: “What did Calducci do? What did I miss? I was getting a MINT.”

Joyce: “No, thanks.”

Jackie: “Okay.”

(This is the point where I realize that they both think I’ve offered them a mint…so, I lose more written-translated-dialogue whilst I root around ((again)) for more mints…)

K: (Whispers)“Who was that other guy?”

Joyce: “Which guy? The Italian guy?” (Smiles)

K: (Snickers) “The guy standing on the basketball court…who is he and what did he say?”

Jackie: “Where’s my mint?”

K: “This movie is stupid.”

Jackie: “What?”

K: “I said ‘Here’s your mint’…”

The music swelled…whilst we watched some form of goose-herd flying off into the sky…then, there was the pre-requisite car chase…followed by the shot of the guy-Superintendant-detective standing on the beach…while the cameraman walked 360 degrees around the guy with the camera zoomed in so close I could see a little bitty bit of earwax in his ears…whilst the guy looked soulfully out at the surf…while probably thinking in his head “I wonder what’s for lunch today? And did I remember to turn off the iron? Hmmmmm…..”

In the end, the movie was….predictable. Especially since Joyce had accurately predicted who’d done it. They “collared the perp” and the girl detective got in one meaningful smooch before the guy detective said he had to go find his imaginary wife and kids. (I think he just wasn’t that into her.)

The dinner after was FABULOUS.

The restaurant had Cloudy Bay!

I believe the food was delicious, but I can’t be sure.

Did I mention that they had Cloudy Bay?!?



BlackLOG said...

You went to an Italian Art house movie!!! Are you mad, not even Italians go to Italian Art House movies. Not even Art House movie fans go to Italian Art House movies (Including the Italian ones). Note even deaf, blind and dumb Italian Art House movie... you get the picture

I guess the only saving grace is that (please note I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt on this and have assumed that you did not go out in the oversized shorts and tank top) your crime against fashion was kept in check, well for one evening at least....

P.S thanks for giving the ending away to 'Blood Art'

JP said...

Mrs Ryan can't watch things with subtitles because she's always doing other things while "watching" TV so... if there's subtitles I have to narrate for her. "Ok, Ando just warned Hiro not to do that... and Hiro said it was his destiny." "What is his destiny???" "I dunno, whatever he's doing..." *sigh* Just watch the freakin' show yourself.

writing complex said...

Hey I like your blogs if you want you should check out www.writingcomplex.com by the way your blog is awsome

JD at I Do Things said...

HA!

I actually looked up "Blood Art" on imdb.com, and the first result was "Rambo." Further down the list of matches was "Terror at Blood Fart Lake."

I don't mind subtitles, but I do not care for mints, thank you.

lifelove'n'wine said...

Haha! Thanks for reposting this so we could read it! The whole mint scene was hilarious!

Spot said...

Thank god my only friend who would even dream of seing an Art House Film lives 5 hours away and thus cannot possibly drag me to one. She just watches and then critiques them for me...you simply have to see this one...sure sure I'll look that up (when pigs fly...). Hehe. Kudos to you for sitting through one (kinda) like a big girl! At least dinner was worth it (you think)!!
I think you should pick the movie next time!

♥Spot

Heather said...

I like foriegn films, but I have found that the french ones go way to fast for me to read. I have never tryed a Italian one. Now I'm thinking I shouldn't!

Great blog, funny.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Ah, what we do for our friends...
At least you got a little "cultcha," right?

Lauren said...

You should have started making your own dialogue. It's what I do when my bosses start to speak in Chinese. It's fun!

NSGIRL said...

I can totally relate to the not being able to pay attention to something like that! The "mint" scene is more my style & had me laughing out loud...here at work...oooopsss..shhhhh!!

Fumbling confidence said...

I question my ability to read and watch tv/movies. A mint sounds nice, thanks.

sarabeth said...

Cloudy Bay Savion Blanc? Because that is my FAVORITE! I only like french flms. Then even if I have no idea whats going on, I like the way it sounds.

Kathryn said...

BlackLOG: Welcome! Yes, I did. Yes...I did. Uh-huh....I DID. I went...I didn't know I was going before I did, but I went, I saw and I read. And nooooo, I did NOT go out in that outfit. Did I fail to mention that bitty fact? Crap. I should've mentioned that. So, where were you BEFORE this movie, with your expert, detailed, seriously-opinionated-opinion?? Gee...should I have put a "Spoiler Alert" at the end of that piece?
(Hangs head in shame) Sorrrry....

JP: Well, that takes all the fun out of it for you. I'd stick w/the English-speaking flicks till she can make the time to read it herself. I mean, really....!

writing complex: Thanks! I'll check your place out.

JD! Well then, I should have gone to the movie w/you. I wouldn't have lost my place lookin' for a mint!

lifelove'n'wine: Thank you, my dear! I'm glad you liked it! I'll be by for a visit in a few!

Spot: Thank you....I think I WILL choose the movies from now on. Yes, dinner more than made up for what I'd missed in the theatre...it was excellent!

Heather: I could definitely do without another foreign film. I simply do not have the patience...
Unfortunately, I STILL cannot comment on your blog! Have you noticed your link is not working?!?

Maureen@IslandRoar: HA! Yeah, it's about all the culture I could stand. No wonder I was so thirsty afterward!

Lauren: HA! That would have been great! I don't think the "J"s would have cared for it...they obviously have more class than I do!

NSGIRL: Welcome! SHHHHHHHH. You must lean to laugh quietly! I'm so glad you liked it!

Fumblingconfidence: Sigh. You're gonna make me look for another one? What am I? The local 7-11??
(Good thing I keep all the mints from the tanning place!)

sarabeth: YES!!!! Cloudy Bay SB!!! MY TWIN! Ohhhh....where have you BEEN??? Love, love, love my Cloudy. Happy to share!!!

saku chan said...

ok so ya that blog was like totally random and our last one to hehe i like random stuff so keep on randomising yea i know its not a word but i use it alot haha

Ron said...

Yes...this was HYSTERICAL!

First of all, have you notice how you and I write with the same SICK sense of humor?

...while the cameraman walked 360 degrees around the guy with the camera zoomed in so close I could see a little bitty bit of earwax in his ears

Bwhahahahahahaha!

And....

Possibly the “Medic Alert” people of the infamous “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” fame….maybe she refused to pay her bill...

Bwhahahahahaha!

OMG...that was so cleverly brilliant!

I really enjoy subtitled films, but I have to REALLY be in the mood for them. If I watch them at home I get too distracted with things to do, so I'm better off in a movie theater - eating LOTS of Twizzlers.

Speaking of...have you ever seen "La vien Rose?" It's an incredible French subtitled film about the life of Edith Piaf.

Thanks for the laugh, Kathryn!

Really enjoyed this!

Hope you had a great Monday!
X

Kathryn said...

saku chan: Thanks for the comment...and the new word "randomising". HA!

RON! Well (as I said out loud whilst reading your comment), this is why you and I hit it off so damn well! Great minds, bay-bee.

Somehow, I misread your description of "La vien Rose" to be the life of Edith Pilaf and I'm thinking, "Oh. She must be the one who invented the rice by the same name." I'm such a knucklehead.

I'm SO GLAD we can make each other LAUGH. How I wish you lived closer...but then we'd never get anything done. No work, no sleep...just spending our days pointing out the ironies of subtitled films and wearing f*%&-ing ties! Happy Monday to you too, my friend!

Jen said...

Well, I love Italian films but that is because I learned Italian. Pretty rusty but it comes back. The only problem is that they speak way too fast in those movies. Next time I think you need to pick the outing.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

oh my god the mint scenario was hilarious. Well done.

Reality Asylum said...

hahahahahah... garbanzo beans.

I bet the dinner afterwards was especially delicious because it didn't involve any reading, aside from the menu.

Where's my mint?

evilteenietiff said...

After reading that little piece of entertainment I have this to say:

WHat is cloudy bay?

and yes, I was too lazy to google it

Kathryn said...

Jen: So, I was correct in my assumption that we're missing some of the dialogue? It seemed like they were saying a lot more than I got to read. But maybe that's just me.

WannabeVirginiaW: Thank you so much! It was pretty funny...annoying, but funny. Thanks for the comment.

Reality Asylum: HA! You are correct, my dear. No reading involved...if I recall, it was really dark in that restaurant. I didn't mind that one bit. Thanks!

evilteenietiff: I accept your laziness as a valid excuse for not knowing what Cloudy Bay is. The truth is, most ppl have not heard of it. It's a white wine...a sauvignon blanc, to be exact...from New Zealand. Very good, hard to find...and very tasty. I love my Cloudy. I want to marry my Cloudy. We're in looove.

evilteenietiff said...

New Zealand?

ah that place is a hop, skip and a jump away from me, I got a friend up there, I could quite possibly get her to bring some down during her next visit to the land down under!

Kathryn said...

evilteenietiff: Well, now you're just making me jealous! You are so lucky, girl. I've been known to search high & low for my Cloudy...just don't buy the '2008 vintage...they've had a crappy year. Anything older, tho...is perfection.

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