Monday, September 7, 2009

Save Me

With the beginning of school bearing down on us, I’ve been trying to get the boys into the habit of waking at a decent hour. Being the cool, hip Mother-of-the-Year that I am, I’d promised da boys that if they did well on their grades, they could pick their own bedtime over the summer.

This was not one of my better parental decisions.

Now “decent hour” would be any time before…say, 11am. Starting on Wednesday they’ll need to be dressed, fed and out the door by 6:45.

You do the math.

Last week, they both made some half-hearted attempt at waking an hour earlier each morn.I do believe they got as early as 9am and the next morning they arose around noon. So much for a master plan.

Taylor (17) has a huge room on the lower level of the home. He has his own full bath, as well as a kitchenette.

The advantage to this set-up is that we don’t see very much of him. The disadvantage to this arrangement is that we don’t see very much of him….I’m ashamed to admit that we have, on occasion, called him on his cell to alert him that dinner is served.

Connor (12) on the other hand, has the dubious pleasure of having the bedroom next to mine. Yes, he’s very fortunate…and I do believe he probably thanks his lucky stars each and every night for having his mom so darn close.

This past weekend, da boys went to their dads. It was Friday night...and I was ALONE! WOOHOO. Just me and a 9-year-old pup who has to pee every hour and will follow me everywhere I go and then lay on the floor in the middle of the room and make no effort to move out of the way even if I’m walking towards him with a huge box of something in my arms….


So. It’s 11pm and I’m ready to dive ‘tween da sheets. I send Metro out for one final trip, by tethering his collar to a leash ingeniously wedged onto the railing in the foyer:

I know, I’m a freakin’ genius. Meanwhile, I stand anxiously peering through the glass, making sure some wild mountain lion doesn’t swoop out of the bushes and try to abscond with my baby.

This mission accomplished, we head back to the master. Metro climbs into his bed, I into mine. I’m drifting off when I hear…music. Huh. Neighbors playing music? It doesn’t sound like it’s coming from outside. As I lean my ear against the screen of the window, I realize something: the music is coming from inside the house. The house where I am all alone, except for my ferocious guard dog who looks pretty much like this:

I’m a little freaked out, because I know that the only time Metro will get antsy is if a deer were to saunter down the hallway. Strange people he doesn’t seem to have a problem with. I’m visually scanning my room for something that I can use as a weapon…in case….what? In case there’s an intruder and he’s carrying a gun in one hand and a boom box in the other? The only thing I could find was a singular drumstick left by the previous owners and found by Connor under one of the baseboards.

Now sufficiently armed, (I figured I could distract the intruder and then sufficiently poke him into dropping his weapon, or maybe the boom box, as I was not digging this tune) I crept out of the master. The music was coming from Connor’s room. Upon entering, I discover his alarm clock, blaring some Japanese song…set to go off at 11:31pm. Go figure.

Relieved, drum stick and I head back to bed. Around 1am, I hear…something. It sounds a little like water running….mixed with some kind of animal…either way, it is NOT a sound that belongs inside my home. I grab my cell and I’m already dialing my friend Wayne, so that he can call 9-1-1 to report me as missing and/or murdered.

Wayne: (Groggily) “H’lo?”

Kathryn: “WAYNE. There’ssomethinginthehousedownstairsandI’mallbymyselfanditsoundsreallyweirdgetreadytocall9-1-1,” I rattle.

Wayne: “Kathryn? What time is it?”

K: “Did you hear me? It’s water and….or...something else! In Tay’s room! DOWNSTAIRS!”

W: (More awake now) “Okay, okay. It’s probably a cricket or something. Did he leave the window open down there?”

K: “Crap! Crap! Ew…ew….crap!”

By this time, I’m standing at the top of the stairs and this is when I remember that the overhead light is still out. Wayne was expected to reach it and change it for me on Saturday.

K: “Crap! The liiiiiight’s out.”

W: “Hold onto the banister. You know the way in the dark, don’t you?”

I do believe I heard a hint of sarcasm there, but I was too freaked out to respond. However, in order to hold my cell in one hand (it won’t stay in the crook of my neck…I’ve tried) and hold the banister, I had to temporarily put the drumstick in my mouth.

K: “I’fth gob a bwumskith im my mouph, show bon han udda fone!”

W: “What? Did you say something? I might’ve dozed off for a minute.”

K: “A bwumskith! A bwumskith! Ssssssssss!”

W: “What the hell? Have you been drinking?”

Why does everyone keep asking me this?

By this time, I’ve reached the bottom of the stairs, I've removed said drumstick and realize that what I’m hearing is….a babbling brook and….some frogs?

It was Taylor’s alarm clock….evidently set to “Nature Sounds”.

I couldn’t figure out how to make it stop, so I did as Wayne suggested…ending the call and going back to bed.

I doubt it even saw it coming.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

This is so funny and I can relate on so many levels. BTW, I have been known to "call" my kids in their rooms upstairs for any number of reasons. And my dog would probably welcome a stranger, that is, if she bothered to wake up.
I do love your nighttime dog leash method. I may need to steal your idea!

Ron said... usual, you're HYSTERICAL!!

I'm reading this, thinking it would have made for the PERFECT episode of Will and Grace!

Your dog leash walking method is PRICELESS! I actually think it's a brilliant idea!

Lou said...

"In case there’s an intruder and he’s carrying a gun in one hand and a boom box in the other? "

You are hilarious Kathryn!

Jen said...

Love this post! I was cracking up midway through. I love the line about the best and worst thing about letting your son live downstairs. And, classic, calling him on his cell phone to let him know dinner is ready. This is probably something I would do on a regular basis to avoid going down into the depths of a teenage boy's room. The alarm clocks came out okay. I would have taken the drumstick to them.

Unknown said...

You are so funny - I think you must be drinking, but I don't care; you are hilarious! I can think those stories, but my friend, you do have a gift for getting them on paper (or the computer as it were). :)

Keep 'em comin'! <3

JD at I Do Things said...

HAHAHAHA! The ONLY way this post could've been funnier is if it had been an actual chicken drumstick in your mouth. It wasn't, was it? That wouldn't make a very good weapon. But it makes a hilarious visual.

O, Special K! You may have outdone yourself!

Jen T said...

Haha, I love this story! You rock.

kathryn said...

Maureen: Thanks. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one taking the techie (albeit lazy) way to contacting my child. And we have the ferocious guard dog in common, too! Steal away on my dog-walking methods...just be prepared for lots of ribbing from friends.
Ron: Thank you! I thought the leash idea was pretty smart. It's hysterical listening to the leash extend (wheeeeeeeee!) and contract (wheeeeeee!) as he moves about. I loved Will & Grace!
Lou: Well, I was assuming this was no ordinary intruder. This was a COCKY intruder....experienced, self-assured and never went anywhere w/o his tunes. That's what I pictured, anyway.
Jen: Wise words. It IS scary going into his room...door's always closed and there's all these sounds...and odors. Ew. Gross.
Nicole: Of COURSE I'm drinking (it was after 5pm and everything)! Thanks for the compliment. Things always seem funnier in hindsight, right?
JD: Nope. No chicken leg. That wud've made a lousy weapon...but it wud've gotten Metro up and following me. But then he'd be attacking the hand with the drumstick while I wrestled with the bad guy....nope. Wudn't work.
(Still lovin' that "Special K")
lifelove'n'wine: Welcome and thanks for commenting. I hope to see you again...I'll stop by to say hello.

Margo said...

teenagers, technology and being alone at night are a frightening combination. Glad you made it through without encountering a boom box wielding maniac!

kathryn said...

Margo: Hello! "boom box wielding maniac"...yup, that's exactly what I was prepared for. Ya know...he cud've been from long lineage of perpetrators...not into headphones yet. Besides...he'd need to hear the homeowner coming. (Amazing the thoughts that can run thru your head in about 3 seconds)
Thanks for commenting-

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said...

I can't stop laughing!! This was great.

kathryn said...

Erin: Welcome and thank you! Had you been here, you cud've held the drumstick for me.

jh said...

Kill the alarm clocks at all cost to mankind. Wow, how scary, & not once but twice?! Maybe you should drink even more & then you'd sleep right thru it! You certainly bourght back high school memories with that whole sleep thing. Ugh. Don't you remember when students would say they wanted to be a teacher when they were an adult -I always thought, but you'd have to get up this early forever, the horror!!

Susan F said...

Too funny! My son always left his alarm clock on too, but there was only one of him. I WISH my dogs would be more like Metro. They start yapping at everything... if you move too fast, if the timer on the stove goes out, or even if I sit on the couch instead of the love seat where I usually sit. They just sit there and bark at me until I move back to my regular spot. Maybe I'll trade you for Metro?

Susan F said...

I mean, maybe I'll trade my dogs "with" you for Metro?

kathryn said...

JH: Yeah, I hear that. Why don't these alarm clocks have a setting for just the weekdays? The first few days of school are always hell...there's simply no avoiding it.
Susan: That's hilarious! How did I not know this about Gracie & Tosha? So, it sounds like they rule da roost, eh? You sit where they TELL YOU to sit. Too funny!

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