Thursday, September 3, 2009

Mom of the Year, Not. (Thanks, Elton)

So, this whole parenting thing is not always easy. More like: rarely predictable, sometimes infuriating and often downright exhausting.

But, it’s also a hoot.

‘Cause you get to mess with somebody else’s mind….something you would normally be told not to do, only now it’s almost a requirement. (Cue “Jaws” music here….slowly build to terrifying crescendo…….! CUT! Now, replace with complete and utter silence.)

Scary, right?

Most of the time, I get it right. I think. But, sometimes….well…..I’m a little less than perfect in my parenting skills.

Like when I’m leaving to drive really, really far away and leaving the boys home. I’ll stick my head in Connor’s room to say goodbye. He barely glances at me, as I’m interrupting his video game.

Me: “Well….bye. I’ll be back in like, I dunno…maybe eight hours?”

Then, I say the three little words that every 12-year-old boy wants to hear from his mother.

Connor: (Eyes never leaving teevee screen) “Okay. Uh-huh….okay.”

Me: “That’s it? ‘Okay’? That’s all I get? You want your last words to your mother to be ‘Okay’??”

Connor: (Finally looking at me) “What? What are you talking about? Where are you going, anyway??”

That’s when I give him “The Look”.

“The Look” is comprised of tilting ones chin slightly downward, whilst staring intently at minor subject whilst pressing ones lips tightly together. It is a serious look, not to be over-used, lest it loses its effectiveness.

I then go on to explain that on every murder or missing-persons special, they always want to know what the last thing was the relative ever heard from the person who is murdered/missing.

Connor rolls his eyes at this. Says that I’m not gonna be murdered and the chances of my being missing are probably slim to none. (I can’t tell if he’s happy about these odds or disappointed.)

I then say those three little words again. I stare at him expectantly….and he dutifully says them back.

Is this effective parenting? Define “effective”. Hey, if I go missing, at least he won’t have some stupid thing to say on his part of the interview.

Then, there was today. I had to clean. I mean, I HAD to clean. It was way, way overdue. So, I got ready. First, I turned on the whole-house-fan to make sure all the rooms were going to have adequate amounts of dust and pollen swirling through them.

WHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I then don my iPod headphones, but do not commence with the singing until I’m running the vacuum cleaner, so as to ensure I don’t sound….well, weird. I figure between the house fan and the vacuum, no-one could possibly hear me.

So, I’m singing. The iPod’s on shuffle and I’ve proactively set the “lock” button, ‘cause I know I’ll be banging it and inadvertently pushing on it during this “who-has-to-go-to-the-gym-when-you-work-this-hard?” period.

At one point, a particular Elton John song comes on and before I realize it, I’m belting out the words:

“SO, SHE LAID DOWN BESIDE ME AGAIN!!!
MY SWEET PAINTED LADY, THE ONE WITH NO NAME!!!
MANY HAVE USED HER, MANY STILL DO!!!!
THERE’S A PLACE IN THE WORLD FOR A WOMAN LIIIIKE YOU!!!!!
OH, SWEET PAINTED LAY-DEE!!! SEEMS IT’S ALWAYS BEEN THE SAME!

GETTIN’ PAID...FOR BEING LAID!!!!
GUESS THAT’S THE NAME OF THE GAME!!!”

That’s when I glance up…and see both boys standing there. Their mouths are open…and they’re horrified. It took me a good 30 seconds to realize the significance of what I’d been singing.

Okay, so I guess I’m out for “Mother of the Year”.

susan F said...

LOL! That is TOO funny! You probably didn't damage the boys ;)

So how do you keep your ear buds from falling out? Mine fall out all the time.

Chrissy said...

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall! Although, I guess I would have been blown away by the WWWHHHHHRRRRRR!!!

Lou said...

Lol I can just picture it :-)

JD at I Do Things said...

HAR.

You're Mother of the Year in my book. That's a great song. LOVE classic Elton. Now I'm in the mood to clean my house to the tune of "Take Me to the Pilot."

jh said...

You must be the funniest mom ever! The boys are so lucky.

Kathryn said...

Sue: I can't use those "earbuds"...I'm thinking my ear canals are simply too small and delicate to accept their massive size. (Actually, they make my ears ACHE.) I use the Sony ones that clip around the ear & rest ON the ear canal. It's great...unless you're laying down on your back.
Chrissy: That is correct! You wud've been sucked in to the whirling void of dust, pollen and dog hair...just like Dorothy.
Lou: Sorry. I didn't mean for you to have to deal with a mental picture...I figured the fleeting image was punishment enough.
JD: Thank you, my dear. Had you been here, we cud've sung it in harmony...that'd have been much better.
jh: Aw. Thanks, sweetie. Actually, I'm the lucky one. They put up with all my efforts to make life more...interesting for them.

Ron said...

I just love the way you tell a story, Kathryn!!!

I know I haven't known you for very long, but I would have to agree with JD....

...you're mother of the year in my book!

And isn't Elton the BEST???

Tiny Dancer is one of my FAVS! I have it on one of my CD's and I love to BLAST it!

*yes...and while cleaning!

Kathryn said...

Ron: Aw...I'll TAKE IT! Thank you! I figure maybe they'll grow up more...well-rounded...with me as a mom? Whatever. I figure, they could always do worse than moi.
Yup...love Elton....LOVE Tiny Dancer...must close all windows in house before belting out that one, lest I hear the neighbors snickering.
Happy you're here, my new BlogBud!

Nicole said...

K, da boys just thought their mother had escaped to another planet. Here's my own story (me as the child):

My father is the biggest Neil Diamond fan - EVER! We were driving to Grandmother's house & I've been singing since before I could talk. My first swear words: "Hot Damn Tonight!" LOL Poor Daddy still blames himself for my foul mouth; I blame my ex & Yankee husband, but that's another story. I was about 2 or 3 singing those lyrics in the backseat; my daughter paid me back as I drove her to pre-school, she sang Centerfold every day.

You are the Mom of the Year, you are NEVER wrong until they grow up and have children of their own & think they can find a better way. ~Nic xoxo

Kathryn said...

Centerfold....good tune! I've got that here, somewhere. Hey, we can do our best to protect their impressionable little ears from only so much...the outside world is conspiring against us.
But, it's got such a great beat!

JSC said...

Hi Kathryn
New reader here, found you thru Blogs of Note (congrats btw I'm jealous for reasons I can't figure out).
This post had me laughing out loud. Your blog is great!!!

Kathryn said...

JSC: Aw! Thank you! Hey, I've had the "jealous" conversation with lots of ppl lately...it's nothin' I wouldn't feel...that little tinge of, "Why not ME?" I got lucky. So glad you enjoyed this post! Da boys are the source for a lot of my humor. If you have the time, check out "complacent" on my favs on the right...Connor's hilarious. Thanks for commenting-please visit again...and I'll reciprocate as well.

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