Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Horror

Today was Open House at the middle school. Connor (12) was psyched that I would have to run through his schedule…with 8 minutes per period…and 6 minutes to help us hapless parents find our way to the next class.

Today, I’m operating on 4 hours sleep. Four. This is not good. The combination of being sleep-deprived, navigating through 9 periods of classes and having to sit and try and pay attention does not make Kathryn a happy gal.

Did I mention it was only 4 hours?

Everything was progressing smoothly until I needed to switch floors and travel to the other end of the building for science. I was late, and I basically careened into the classroom just as the bell rang. The science teacher was standing no more than 2 feet in the door...and she had a snake wrapped around her neck.

Now. I don’t do snakes. I also don’t do mice…which is ironic, as snakes eat mice….but, I digress.

This snake had to be 6, 12, at least 3 feet long, minimum.

I mean, seriously….Connor couldn’t have given me a heads-up? I instinctively backed up and must’ve had a look of horror on my face because the seated parents found this hilarious.

I however, did not.

Then, she offered us bugs to eat. She had two flavors: Mexican and barbeque. Evidently, these were the same bugs the kids ate yesterday. Now, ask me if Connor told me that they ate bugs….go ahead, ask me. How does one neglect to mention eating bugs in class??

The dads all felt obliged to try them….we moms all declined. I did however, ask to take some home for YOU to see:

It was pretty funny watching the teacher offer me these bugs-on-a-plate, whilst trying to simultaneously lean backwards (as I’m convinced the snake sensed my fear and was preparing to fling itself, ninja-like, onto my neck…where it would wrap itself tightly and then refuse to let go). I’d ingeniously asked for my bugs “to go” and quickly wrapped them in a tissue and encased the remains in my handy-dandy Neosporin plastic travel container, which meant dumping all the band-aids and said Neosporin into my already chaotic bag, but…there’s nothing I won’t do…for YOU.

Now, go make yourself a sandwich. Tomorrow, I’ll fill you in on what happened in math class. (Hint: A dad and I got in trouble. Of course, it wasn’t my fault.)

Anonymous said...

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Katy =) said...

Hey! Was it a real snake? What was up with the bugs. That's so gross! How old are you? I'm just wondering. You don't have to tell me though=)! That sounds like it was a fun day. 4 Hours of sleep!! Wow! I can barely stay awake in school with 6 hours of sleep! I gotta go do my homework now.

By!!

-Katy:)

Amanda said...

Hi, I came across your blog on Blog Catalog, and I can safely say that your story made me want to crawl under my desk and cry.

I hate snakes! I have always been ridiculously terrified of them, and when I was in 7th grade, my science teacher walked around our classroom with a huge, I don't know, man-eating python WRAPPED AROUND HIS NECK, and tried to get everybody to pet it. Like you would pet a dog. Scarred for life. My skin began to crawl just reading what you wrote.

This science teacher you mentioned actually sounds like my old science teacher.....I feel sorry for your son, it will be a rough road ahead involving displays of tapeworms and owl regurgitation.

Kathy said...

What in the hell were kids eating bugs for? Did I read that right? passes out....

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Ew! What was her problem; why couldn't she give you a boring sylibus and tell you how she grades? Did she think this was Vegas or something?

Emma said...

I actually have a friend who likes to eat bugs (the ones made for eating) and insists they taste like corn... I've always been to chicken to try.

Kaitlin said...

Hey! Just stumbled upon your blog. I love your style. And I DON'T do snakes either. You are so brave for even going into the room! I would have bolted.

Kathryn said...

Katy=): Yes, a REAL slippery, tongue-darting-in-and-out snake. Sweetie, you need more than 6 hrs sleep to concentrate in school! I'm a super-cool mom...I'll tell you that much! Still gonna read me, or am I too old? Now, do your homework!
Amanda: I hear that! This thing was crawling in and out of her blouse...I cudn't concentrate on a word she said. I don't think that look of horror left my face the whole time. And, I'm sure your assessment is painfully accurate...Connor's got quite the year ahead w/this one. Thanks for the comment.
Hey Kathy! Real bugs...cooked, or fried or something. BBQ flavor...I guess protein? You'd think I'd need to sign a consent for this, no?? I'm emailing you a blurry pic of the box they came in!
Maureen@IslandRoar: Hey, Maureen!
I KNOW! It was like an eppy of Nat'l Geographic gone horribly wrong. I'll admit-she held my attention, tho. I miss reading you! I've got to come and visit.
Emma: WHY? Why does she want to do this? Ya want protein? Eat chicken! Eat beans! Cheaper and not so....ew! Tks for commenting-hope you'll visit again.

Kathryn said...

Hey Kaitlin-thanks for the kind words. Yes, we could have bolted together! I had all those seated ppl looking at me...it was horrifying. It was probably just the reaction she was hoping for!
Tks for the flw! I'm chipping away at reciprocating...so many great ppl to read!

evilteenietiff said...

I love some of the blogs that appear on blogs of note, yours is truly an interesting read.

I hope mine can be as entertaining as yours one day.

I've never tried eating bugs before, that is if I don't include the numerous worms, ants, and insects I would have consumed as a mere child~

I love the way you describe things too, definately going to watch this!

Kathryn said...

evilteenietiff: Aw. Thank you! And thanks for the follow...I'll visit you as well. As for eating bugs, I sure as hell wasn't gonna do it today. Altho, I do recall yelling for my mom as a kid and having a fly soar straight into my mouth. I gagged for the rest of the day.

Brndoutw8ress said...

I was reading through your post and I gotta tell you I love the way you use words! And by the way what the hell kind of school does your kid go to that they feed them bugs, I thought our school lunches were bad! Thanks for the laughs, I'll definately be back!

Krissi said...

I too recently did the Jr. High back to school night. Scary, scary, scary. All those hormones in that one little building. Bugs and snakes are the least of your problems. My daughter's science teacher had dead bugs all over the room thankfully not one live or eatable thing was in the room.

Sunshine said...

lol sounds interesting i have a 6th grader and im waiting for these kinds of things to happen to me! I like the photos to help the story along.

Isabella said...

I really don't mind snakes. Thank goodness because we have one living right outside our front door. I've thought of moving it to the woods but I figured if I leave it maybe it would eat the chipmunks that keep bothering me. No, snakes aren't so bad...now spiders. eeewwww.

And there is no way in #@#@ I would eat bugs! Are you sure the teacher didn’t get those from a tequila bottle? He may be on the sauce.

~:C:~ said...

Eeeww... grody! Personally, I'd be pretty vexed about my child's teacher feeding him insects without my express permission, but whateves... bugs scare the crap out of me, so perhaps I'm biased. :P

Thanks for sacrificing your Neosporin container to the gods of blogdom.

Ashleigh said...

Hey there,

I love it! Did the same thing myself last week...minus the bugs...Yikes!

Gillian said...

There's no frikken way I would've eaten the bugs either...

Kathryn said...

You guys leave the most awesome comments! If I haven't visited you yet, believe me...I'll be there soon w/a comment/flw. I know you all understand how much we looove our comments!
Brndoutw8ress:I know! A lot of ppl have expressed concern. It's a public MS-nothing fancy...just an eccentric teacher, I guess. (You shud've seen me trying to sound out your screen name, "Brendow Tray Wess? Browned-outwait-ress? BurnedOutWaitress! Ohhhhh! Good 1!"
Krissi: Then you and I shall share the pain. Yes, hormones and overall behavior seemed to be the top du-jour for *most* of the teachers.
Sunshine: 6th grade? So, then...you can relate! Good times. Yes, I've found pics can help fully convey the emotions of the moment, right?
Isabella: Interesting how ppl seem to either have a strong aversion to snakes or spiders. I can handle spiders. I do believe it shud be woven into marriage vows: "Will one of you promise to handle the spiders whilst the other tends to the errant snake...till death do you part?"
~:C:~ FINALLY. Someone has acknowledged my sacrificial Neosporin plastic travel container! It's open on my printer...(sans bugs)...all but forgotten. I'll never look at another bandaid the same.
Ashleigh: Good for you....and we survived. I always dread Open House...the crowds, the papers, the rules...those parents who keep asking questions after the bell rings...
Gillian: I think this teacher liked the reactions she got. Connor said *they* ate chocolate covered ants the other day. (By way of explanation as to why he never told me) He said they were "crunchy". Gross.
Thank you ALL for commenting!

Tay said...

If the snake threatened an attack you should have just thrown the bugs (preferably barbeque as all snakes love barbeque) at said snake to distract it whilst you made a hasty getaway (theme music optional).

Kathryn said...

Tay: LOL! LOVE this! I'm sure that would have done WONDERS for my son's relationship with this teacher for the next 170 days of school! Oh, God....I can just picture me flinging the bugs at the teacher/snake and making a run for it! Classic!
Great comment...thanks!

jh said...

I bet you like bugs & school almost as much as you like mice!

lifelove'n'wine said...

Haha! What is up with boys and their lack of sharing details? Eating bugs in class seems like one of those things you might mention.

P.S. Geoff is afraid of snakes too. Very. It's hilarious because he seems completely fearless about everything else. It's something I like to tease him about...cuz I'm mean like that.

Kathryn said...

jh: HEY. Cut that out, missy! It was gross...and had you been there, we cud've beat feet and gone for Martinis. MUCH BETTER!
lifelove'n'wine: Hey sweetie! #1: I don't know WHY Connor didn't share. You'd think that would be worth mentioning...even in passing.
#2: Shame, shame, shame...teasing Geoff (snickers). What's YOUR phobia, huh? So, you're on snake-patrol and he gets all the...what?

Ron said...

OMG..I'm freakin' GAGGING!!!

EATING BUGS????

This sounds like something the NUNS tried to make us do in Catholic school for punishment of MORTAL sins.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

X

lifelove'n'wine said...

He gets all the...everything else. Namely anything with more than four legs. Bugs...*shudder*

Kathryn said...

Hey Ron! I know, sweetie...you and I wud've ducked out the back and it would have taken several cocktails to remove the look of HORROR from our faces! My tweetbud in Mexico says they eat 'em all the time...they're like $25 a plate! How many drinks could we buy with that?
lifelove'n'wine: I KNEW it! Hey, there are more bugs/spiders in everyday life than snakes...you'd better watch yourself w/Geoff, or I'm TELLING.

Fumblingconfidence said...

EEEK, snakes are vile. In my opinion, they are not as vile as birds. (My skin crawls thinking about the flying rats. Ugh.)

Why would she have a snake there? Does she moonlight after school?

I would have been a dust cloud getting away from that thing.

Good job, taking one for the team.

jasofme said...

OMG what they teach now a days in school!! This made me laugh so hard because I could picture every moment!!
I myself have been to many open houses for my son who is now a teenager and man some of them were good and some.....well lets just say eventful. I remember his freshman year at a new school you talk about going to the other side of the building wish it was easy like that for me. They had us parents running up and down three floors within a certain time frame. I swear I spent more time walking around trying to find the room then talking to any teacher. The next year when I knew the school lay out I went into my son's math class to meet his teacher and right away I knew his face but could not put it were....Until we started talking a bit.. he is much younger than me so it was not from school. We did not work together. Hmmm then it hit me.. OMG I know him from an adult message board online. That is when we both looked at each other and turned red and said Nice to meet you in person. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.. there are just some things you DO NOT want to know about your child's teacher!!

JP said...

Were you and the dad making out under the stairs?

oh wait maybe I'm the one who does that in Middle School...

Kathryn said...

fumblingconfidence: "I would have been a dust cloud..." HA! Looove this line! But...birds? Like, tweet-tweet birds? Flying rats? How do you feel abt squirrels? I think they're the rats of the country. Thanks for the laugh!
jasofme: OMG! That's an unbelievable story...and I TOTALLY did not see that coming! WAY TMI, right? No wonder you vamoosed outta there! Tks so much for the flw...I'll visit soon!
JP: You're so BAD. Ya know, I forgot to put in a paragraph that said I'd continue the MS story on Saturday...suffice to say, an intregal part of the tale was on my cell & I cudn't get it to link to computer. I'll let your imagination run w/that one!

JP said...

You got caught sexting at school?!?!?!

JD at I Do Things said...

I forgot: HOW many hours of sleep did you get?

Maybe you were hallucinating the snake due to lack of sleep. We can't deny the existence of the bugs, since you have so kindly produced a photo.

I hope you threw your bandaids, Neosporin, AND chaotic bag away.

Kathryn said...

JP: HA. I'm not saying a word....until tomorrow. Hey...what happens in middle school STAYS in middle school. (!)

Kathryn said...

JD: I've been averaging 4-5 the last few days. Gee...I wonder why? A snake hallucination....huh. God, I hope not! As for the bugs, I knocked over the tissue and they all spilled on the floor and Metro was on it in a flash. And I thought he was gassy before.....!

Spot said...

Ugh! I also hate snakes!! They rank right up there with birds (Don't ask) and scarecrows. *shudder*

How do you forget to mention you ate bugs??

The best part about homeschooling my children? Yep. No more dealing with their teachers. Well except for me...but I'm rather fond of myself so it's all good!

♥Spot

Sandi said...

I just want to say you are awsome!!!!

jules said...

How stressful! There is NO shame in not eating bugs! Middle school was so hard the first time! I'm glad you survived the day!

Kathryn said...

Hey Spot! So, we agree on the snakes. Someone else mentioned birds (Perhaps a Hitchcock-ian fear?)...scarecrows are just that: scary. How do you feel about mice? They freak me out. How does Connor forget to mention anything? I just kept shaking my head. I'm sure you are your kids fav teacher!

Sandi: Thank you! I hope you'll visit/comment again!

Kathryn said...

jules: I agree! Why do they have the need to make the parents feel like middle-schoolers again, anyway? What'd WE do to THEM??
Thanks for commenting!

susan F said...

Metro ate the bugs?? LOL!!

Kathryn said...

Yes, Sue....Metro ate da bugs! You know 'Nomie....he'll eat ANYTHING!
(Supposedly they're filled with protein!) How're you doin', sweetie??

Anonymous said...

How is this a Blog of note? It doesn't even work properly in my browser...

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