Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Talking to Myself

What would you imagine would be the most efficient way to convey several examples of aimless, unrelated, ironic observations for maximum impact?

Why not just interview myself?!

I think I will! Here we go:

Interviewer: “Kathryn. That is your real name, isn’t it?”

Kathryn: (Waves hand) “Whatever. Proceed.”

I: “How many times a week would you say you scoop up the poops by the front door?”

K: “Excuse me? Are you interviewing me about poop-patrol?”

I: “I believe your residential visitors may be interested in knowing what the odds are that they’ll leave with an extra treat on the bottoms of their shoes.”

K: “I’m taking the fifth. Next….”

I: “Duly noted. Visitors should consider themselves aptly warned. What is the strangest natural phenomenon you’ve ever witnessed?”

K: “Funny. I get asked that all the time. I once saw a pacing dragonfly. I watched it from the window of a restaurant where I was having lunch. It literally flew across the street, then back in front of the window…like, 30 times. Somehow, it sensed when to 'stand down' when a bus was coming, or it would’ve been bus-grill-road-kill.”

I: “Huh.”

K: “Yeah…I know. Pretty heavy stuff.”

I: “Mmmm…. What’s heavy is that you felt it noteworthy enough to share in this public forum.”

K: “Well, that’s just the kind of special person I am.”

I: “Uh huh. Moving on: Most unexpected sight on the side of the road.”

K: “A front loader with the bucket raised and a toilet sitting in it.”

I: “A what?”

K: “A front loader…geez…it’s a tractor…you know, one of those yellow things that picks up dirt? Geez…”

I: “I didn’t say anything…”

K: “Mind out of the gutter….I know what you were thinking. That’s what it’s called…I should know. I dated a guy whose family had a business next door to a man who had a cousin who sold tractors in Connecticut.”

I: “And the toilet?”

K: “I have no idea. I didn’t put it there. You asked, so I answered.”

I: (Sighs) “Most annoying, yet frequent life experience?”

K: “Oh, that’s easy. You know how you’re in…say, an elevator…or a waiting room….or hostage in the back seat of someone’s pick up…and they’ve got this God-awful LITE-muzak radio station playing? And you’re listening to “He’s So Shy” by the Pointer Sisters…and you’re thinking “God, I HATE this song…this is like, the stupidest song ever…” but then you realize to your horror that your foot’s tapping to the beat and in your head you’re singing “that’s when I knew…he wanted me too…but I had to do some breaking through…” And then you’re thinking “Oh, just kill me now…no no no no no….” and then “HE’S SO SHY! (SO GOOD LOOKIN’) HE’S SO SHY! (REALLY GOT ME GOIN’) AND I’LL LOVE HIM ‘TIL THE DAY I DIE! (OOOOH, YES I WILL)”

I: “GREAT. Now I’m going to have that song stuck in my head all night.”

K: “Huh. Well, I’m off to bed. G’nite."

Think, Don't Speak. said...

Heh, I got a chuckle out of some of those remarks, good stuff. I may take up this idea of self-interviewing for my blog sometime, thanks for the idea. :P

Kathryn said...

Think,Don't Speak: Hey, go for it. We're doing all the talking anyway...why not branch out and give Barbara Walters a run for her money? Besides...we're so damn witty....
Thanks for commenting!

Isabella said...

I loved your post. Thanks for the giggles before I go to bed. Maybe it will inspire me to have a funny dream to post tomorrow.

Katy =) said...

Hey Kathryn. that was really funny. I'm going to try self interviewing my self later. Ha I should go call my friend Caitlin and tell her to self interview herself the next time she is bored!! Thanks!!

-Katy:)

Kathryn said...

Isabella: What a beautiful name! AND you have good taste! (Kidding) Thanks so much for the sweet comment. I'm slowly making my way thru to visit everyone who took the time to comment/flw. Hey-if you don't have that funny dream, just make something up. Who'll know?

Kathryn said...

Hey Katy=)
Isn't it hilarious how we all love the idea of talking to ourselves! I think it's why we're so good at blogging...we're just naturals at it. We know just what to ASK and just how to ANSWER. It's a win/win.
Thanks for commenting!

Ron said...

ooo...ooo...what a freakin' faaabulous idea, Kathryn!

A self-interview!!

And your answers slayed me!

Please note that I DO know what you mean about your most annoying, yet frequent life experience because I've had that happen too. And WHY? WHY? WHY? do we do that???

And it's pretty bad when I'm doing it to Olivia Newton John's MEGA HIT..."I Honestly Love You."

HA!

Hope you had a great day, my friend!

Kathryn said...

Hey Ron!
Damn! I thought FOR SURE you were gonna say "Have You Never Been Mellow?", which (I'm ashamed to say) I've got somewhere on my iPod. (Don't tell anyone.)
There's nothing worse than singing along to a LAME song just because someone has made you a captive audience.
Great to see you, as ALWAYS-LOVED your post tonight over at Vent!
Later, you fabulous man, you....

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

re: "never hurts to ask" - has anyone every made a donation to you, monetary that is?

Interesting blog!!

Kathryn said...

Bonnie, Original Art Studio: Nope. Never. I figure someday, Bill Gates'll stop by and be so impressed that I didn't jump ship to Firefox, he'll reward me for my loyalty.
You? Has it ever happened to you? (The donate thing, not the Gates thing...)

Fumblingconfidence said...

Very funny, consider the idea stolen.

Danny O'Byrne said...

Like everyone else has said... this idea will probably end up on my blog in some fashion.

Great blog, funny stuff, congrats on Blog of Note.

Kathryn said...

Fumblingconfidence: Well, I never.
(Kidding) You're welcome. (Gee...no dinner? No nothin'?) Looking forward to see what you come up with.
Danny O'Byrne: Go for it. Thanks so much for the kudos...it's been an absolute BLAST.

Gretchen said...

That's funny! Good stuff!

Kathryn said...

Hey Gretchen! Thanks...I appreciate the comment!

JayL said...

congrats on being featured on 'Blogs of Note' !!

Puri Dewayani said...

haha. love your idea

~:C:~ said...

lol

I'm SO glad I don't know that song, otherwise your delicious little ear worm would be in my head first thing this morning and I'd be playing hostess to it all. day. long.

jeffb said...

Great to read something quirky and funny. Good job.

Jeff

ananiasr said...

just in time! I thought i am getting out of my mind because i was doing just that... talking to myself and answering questions myself! I guess i will be pretty comfortable the next time i interview myself. You're good!

Kathryn said...

JayL-Thanks so much! I'm glad you stopped by & took the time to comment.
Puri Dewayani:Thank you!Gee...it was SO easy...it's like I knew the questions before they were even said!
~:C:~ Smart girl. And you have no desire to Google it and squirm all day with da worm? I'm sure pretty much ANY stupid song will do in a pinch.
JeffB: Thanks.I hope you'll come by and visit/comment again. Good to see you.
ananiasr:It's fun being the celebrity/interviewer. You get to dismiss questions you don't like, and revel in making the celebrity (still you!) look stupid...all at the same time. Good times!
Thanks for commenting!

Antonio Barbosa said...

Funny interview! :-D I am one of your blog followers. Have a nice day!

Kathryn said...

Antonio Barbosa: Thanks! I'll reciprocate at your place as soon as I can-I'm pacing myself in my travels. I'm looking forward to visiting-
Thanks for commenting.

JP said...

I would think it would behoove you to clean up the poop on your front step more for YOUR benefit than your guests. I mean odds are they'll step in it while coming INTO your house, thus tracking poop into your house rather than stepping in it while leaving. Just sayin'.

And the dragonfly thing? Not that strange really. But then again I grew up on a river so I'm used to dragonflies.

And the toilet thing? Seriously guys? Spend a dollar or two and buy a freakin' padlock. I've seen crews put like their tools and stuff in a backhoe bucket, but never a toilet. Maybe there was some rash of portapotty thefts???

emily said...

Stumbled across your blog, you've brightened my day... thank you.

Tinkerschnitzel said...

Haha! I talk to myself all the time...out loud...when other people are around. It makes for an interesting time. :) Great blog!

Kathryn said...

LP: Oh, crap. (Pun intended) WHY did it not occur to me that visitors would bring the poo in? This, of course, changes everything. New rule: NO MORE SHOES. (I'll do anything to get out of poop patrol)The toilet thing was bizarre...it was like they'd staged it for the weekend. They were prob hiding in the bushes and laughing as ppl ran off the road looking at it! Thanks for the great comment!
Emily: Thank you so much! I hope you stumble back in again sometime! (Kidding...abt the stumble part, not the visiting part)
Tinkerschnitzel: Hey, sometimes ya just have to get the thoughts OUT. We can't help it if there are other ppl around when that happens. It's a force of nature.
Thanks for the comment!

Mark Price said...

Wow thanks so much for putting "He's So Shy" into my head. I was starting to wonder what I would be singing in my head and in the hospital halls today. Im so glad it wasn't the Flintstones theme again!

Absolutely Normal Chaos said...

Haha, I don't know that song -- looks like I should be glad! :) Thanks for the giggles! :)

Spot said...

Ack! No, not that song!!! Now stuck in my head too.

Frankly, I'm a little concerned for you though. Of course, we all talk to ourselves, duh. But I thought we were supposed to worry when we started answering back? Poor poor Kathryn...you just took a huge leap down the road to crazytown. (Don't worry...so right behind you)!

Jk! I thought this was a very funny post. Thanks for the giggle. =]

♥Spot

The Average Everyday Girl said...

I love your stuff! You have a great voice and your writing is pretty funny =]

Kathryn said...

Hey Mark! You're welcome. Why should I be the only one suffering through that song? And, now I've got the Flintstones theme stuck in MY head. Thank you for that.
Absolutely Normal Chaos: Hey! Love your ID name...I can SO relate! Honey, be grateful you don't know the song...it's sooooo lame.
Hey Spot! Nah...I do believe I've discovered that we are our own best interviewer/conversationalist (is that even a word?). I mean, who knows us better than...well, US? When I say, "What was I just gonna do?" who'll know the answer? ONLY ME. See? Perfectly sane.
Honey, I've been on the road to crazytown for-eva...if you're with me, I'll have someone else-besides myself-to talk to.
The Average Everyday Girl: Thank you very much! It always seems funny in my head...but I'm never sure it'll come out that way. Thanks to ALL for commenting! I'm visiting...s-l-o-w-l-y.

lifelove'n'wine said...

That was a great interview. I might steal it too...it seems you've started a new blogging trend!

Kathryn said...

lifelove'n'wine: Steal away, girl...I'm glad I've inspired ppl to talk to themselves more...why should I be the only crazy one?
Happy to see you, Jen!

Eileen said...

Oh no! Im going to be singing that for the rest of the week! Love the idea of interviewing yourself, its like a somewhat saner version of talking to yourself.

Kathryn said...

Oh, Eileen! You TOTALLY get me! That is exactly what it is. And besides....crazy ppl never THINK they're crazy, so if I think I AM, then I know I'm NOT. Right?
Thanks for the great comment!

saku chan said...

hahahaha i do that to and my friend's always thinks that im crazy but to tell you truth it helps expectually when you have alot of stuff to do and you have a list and i still do that to weird how you never grow out of stuff

Kathryn said...

saku chan: I know! I think more ppl talk to themselves than don't. But, no-one wants to admit it. Well, except for me....I don't care. If the men in the white jackets haven't come to get me yet...
Thanks for commenting!

Natalie ElizabethRose said...

Reminds me of myself (: trully and its tragic haha
ah genius giggle making!

screwdestiny said...

Oh my gosh, that last part was insanelly funny. I do it all the time, too, so that made it even funnier.

Kathryn said...

NatalieElizabethRose: No! Not tragic! Us creative-types (bloggers) have the ability to think (or talk) outside the box! We're special...and people put up w/us 'cause we're so talented. Thanks for visiting!
screwdestiny: I seem to have hit a relatable topic with this one. It's nice to get all the random thoughts OUT, right?? Glad to "meet" you.

JSC said...

This is hysterical! Bravo!

Kathryn said...

JSC: Thank you! It was so much fun to write, too. (What's not to like? It's me...interviewing me!)
Tks for commenting!

Michelle said...

First let me say, I think you're hysterical! I love reading what you have to say. But this one really cracked me up. I talk to myself all of the time. I always tell my hubby and my kids that I know that at I will listen to what I have to say! But what's even scarier, is that I actually ANSWER myself sometimes. Glad I'm not the only one!

One more thing. We're in China for a year. The song I hear over here at least once a day, is "My heart will go on" by Celine Dion from Titanic. Of course, it's always the muzac version. I've heard it in the grocery, restaurants, stores, you name it, it's there. And it sounds like it's on a loop, because it just plays over and over. I haven't heard that song in YEARS, and now I can't get it out of my head! AAAGGGHHH!
Anyway, just thought I'd tell you what a great writer I think you are. Thanks for keeping me entertained!
Mich

Kathryn said...

Michelle: Thank you for the lovely comment! You've definitely made me smile! You know, I used to police myself...try hard not to talk out loud when the kids were around, etc. NOW, however...I've caught myself talking out loud in the market...and I'm not the only one!
I chalk it up to having a list running in my head (yeah, that's it). As for that song that's everywhere? You may need to be one of *those* ppl that wears iPod headphones everywhere-just to drown it OUT.
Thanks for the comment & flw!

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Whew. I thought I was the only one who talked to myself.

Kathryn said...

Oddyoddyo13: Nah....all of us creative types talk to ourselves...it's how we stay amused!

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