Sunday, June 7, 2009

Oxymoron

I was minding my own business. Just driving in the car…sunroof open…beautiful night! Full moon….seriously.

Wanna see?

Hey. Cut me some slack. It’s my cell…and it’s the MOON. It’s not exactly…ya know, close by... and it would have set by the time I figured out how to zoom. But see? Full moon. Just a few little wispy clouds hanging around it…kinda like groupies.

“What did you do?”

Why look, everyone! It’s the super-talented, extremely busy, exhilaratingly popular Clinton Kelly from fashion, TLC and Macy’s!

Clinton: “Oh, God. What did you do? Long introduction…way too many accolades…did you break something? (Pauses) Did you break something of mine?”

Kathryn: “Um. No…but thanks for the heads up if I ever do break anything of yours….”

CK: (Eyes Kathryn suspiciously) “But you did something…I can tell. Are we talking permanent damage or temporary?”

K: “Uh. Well, it’s not permanent if I haven’t fulfilled every effort in my attempt to render the situation as a possibly temporary one. Correct? So, the jury’s still out.”

CK: “What? Verbal smoke screen…can't see...it’s thicker than pea soup in here.”

K: “FINE. I’ll give you a clue…but you’re not gonna like it.” (Takes deep breath)

K: “Michael Kors.”

CK: “Oh, CRAP. What do we need? A tailor? Oxyclean? WHAT??”

K: “I do believe Billy may have resolved the issue. STAND DOWN, Kelly. I’m waiting for the final verdict. It’s still in recovery.”

C: “Okay. You’re mixing your metaphors. Are we in court or in the hospital? Pick one ‘cause you’re confusing the hell out of me. Was it the skinny jeans? Those jeans look fierce on you, girl. Tell me it wasn’t the jeans.”

K: “It wasn’t the jeans.”

CK: “If it wasn’t the jeans…..then it had to be…hmmm…green floral top…navy silk print…”

K: “IT WAS THE WHITE BLOUSE. OKAY? I GOT GREASE ON THE WHITE BLOUSE.”

CK: “-----------…………….*&*#$............-----------########............”

K: “Okay. We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties. He’s…he’s gesturing….he’s…he’s telling me….to…roll tape? No. He wants me to…call an ambulance? ARE YOU HAVING A HEART ATTACK? ‘Cause if you are, can I interview you afterwards? I’ve got an article due in a few weeks on heart attacks…”

CK: “Just. Explain. Grease.”

K: (Shrugs) “Okay. I was just driving along…on route 199….or was it 991? I don’t remember. Anyway, I saw the strangest thing and I simply HAD to pull over so I could capture it with my cell. Of course, I stopped rather suddenly and every single item in my car went from the rear of the automobile to the front of said automobile. This made a huge mess and…wait….he’s gesturing again. What? Why do you keep making the charades sign for a movie?”

CK: “Kathryn. Move it along.”

K: “FINE. My windows were severely compromised with bug remains, so I chose to pop the upper half of my body through the sunroof to take the picture. This required nothing short of a miracle of maneuvering…but I’ll do anything to get a clear shot.”

LOOK:
CK: “WTF?”

K: “I KNOW, right? They’re like huge pieces of cut diamonds…and all lit up. Just sitting there on someone’s front lawn. How bizarre is that? When I got home, I found I had grease all over my hands and my blouse. I couldn’t imagine where it came from.”

CK: “The sunroof.”

K: “Exactly. See? That’s why you make the big bucks. Anyway, I’ve been soaking it all night and I think it’s gonna be okay. You want a baby aspirin?”

CK: “What I want is a big old drink. And yeah, what the hell. Give me the aspirin…I think I feel a headache coming on.”

K: “Was it something I said?”

Linda said...

Hysterical! Sounds just like him. Don't break him though...America still needs him!

Anonymous said...

Oxyclean really took out the grease? I threw something away because I thought it was hopeless!

CindyW. said...

You've totally captured Clinton Kelly! Now-will you let him go?
I don't think I would! ;)

Rick said...

Poor Clinton. The man has the patience of a saint!

Anonymous said...

My head still hurts.

Nicole said...

WTF? Was the first thing out of my mouth before I read it under the picture - ha! You know, I am the laundry queen & stain meister, but I don't parade around stunt driving in my white blouse just because I can remove grease & blood! : )

CK will need more than an aspirin, dear. Glad there were no coronaries cause in the writing of this article.

Thanks for the laugh! Hysterical!!

Anonymous said...

One rather (obvious) observation:
Why didn't you just open the car door and get out to take the picture?? Too easy?

Kathryn said...

Okay, people....settle down.
Linda: He's not broken...just temporarily incapacitated. He's Superman, remember? Invincible.
Anonymous#1: Go grab it before the trash guy comes! Worth a shot!
CindyW: Seriously....would you??
Rick: Uh-huh. Like you wouldn't believe.
Anonymous #2: Like I said...take a baby aspirin.
Nicole: Trust me, the white blouse was the innocent victim in all this-next time, I'll check w/you the second I discover the infraction.
Anonymous#3:Gee...your tone sounds vaguely familiar....and that is an excellent question! Route 199 (or 991) is a very busy highway and I would risk life, limb & severe cell damage had I exited the vehicle. How would you live with yourself then? Hmmmmm???

susan F said...

I wouldn't have thought that you could get greasy poking your head through a sun roof either. But now I know what to do about it!

Kathryn said...

Sue: Thing is, it wasn't just my head....it was the top half of my torso as well. I stood on that console-thingie in between the front seats? Seemed reasonable at the time...

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