Thursday, May 28, 2009

Windfall

Gee whiz…and just when you think your own personal economy is tanking….along comes the prince on the proverbial white horse. Or, in this case Mr. Ray Abu…riding in on a recent email into my propitious little inbox. Mr. Abu says he is the “chairman of contract award and monitoring committee of the ministry and international trade development. His duty, as empowered by the Mauritius government is to provide the basic amenities and social recreational activities in urban and rural areas”.

Now. I’m already paying rapt attention, as this guy has used the words “ministry” and “international trade development” in the same sentence, which has to mean that this guy is above board and requires my utmost consideration.

He goes on to explain the nature of this enigmatic inquiry:

“This program includes assistance to deprived local communities and to co-ordinate projects and development at the national level. Furthermore, from this project we’re able to realize some reasonable amount of U.S. $21.8 (twenty one million eight hundred thousand US dollars only) as commission from various contractors resulting from over invoicing of payment receipts/vouchers hence all the necessary approvals have been completed.”

Wait. What? Oooooh….now I get it! You realized that you over-invoiced someone, but since you’ve got all the necessary approvals, you figure you’re golden. Got it. Continue.

“These approved funds were packaged and dispatched through a security company for onward delivery to its destination in Europe. The money was first deposited into a security vault before we arrange for its movement to Europe through diplomatic channel using decoy purporting that the fund belongs to an expatriate/company. As we are government officials, the oath of office does are not allowed us to operate foreign bank account, hence we need you to stand as the beneficiary and claim the fund on our behalf from the security company.”

Huh. Hang on a sec, whilst I look up the word “purporting”. Is that like, importing??

Purport:

1. To claim or seem to be something or somebody.
2. To intend to do something.
3. Intention or purpose of something.

Well. That totally explains it. Plus, they’ve used words like “security company” and “security vault”…giving me a complete sense of confidence and well-being...not to mention the use of “hence” and “behalf”...which are words only used by snooty, rich, well-connected, stellar individuals. Go on.

“Presently I am now in Europe to search for a reliable person/company of high integrity /dignity and one with conscience who will claim this fund on our behalf as the beneficiary.”

It’s….it’s like he knows me! I’M a person of high integrity and conscience!! Just the other day, I picked up a ten dollar bill an elderly gentlemen dropped on the floor at the bank. Granted…he knew he’d dropped it…but, I could have made a run for it. (Do you think it matters that I'm not technically IN Europe? 'Cause just say the word, Ray old buddy, and I'm on the first flight to Istanbul.) Tell me more.

“We have agreed to give you 30% of the total sum as commission for your assistance/effort and 5% will be used to settle every expenses incurred, we will use 65% to invest under your recommendation/guide and go into joint venture business with you . I would greatly appreciate your assistance and I look forward to your response as soon as possible through this e mail address: Best regards, Mr Ray Abu
rayabu1967@yahoo.com

So…30% of $21.8 million (US dollars only) comes to $6.54 million for ME and another $1.09 million will be used to settle my expenses incurred and I can decide how to invest the other $14.17 million ‘cause now we’ll be PARTNERS?!?


Sorry readers….I have to go now. My buddy Ray’s waiting for me…and I’ve got a ton of maps to change. I purport to be on the next plane to Mauritius, Kathryn Island. Does anyone have change for a Rupee??

Nicole said...

You are a riot! Great read, I've never understood how they actually get people with these scam letters, but somehow they must or we would not get them every other day. Thank you for the chuckle!

Kathryn said...

Thanks for the kudos. I never understood it, either...but it's fun to see the hits from all over the world from people Googling "Ray Abu". Maybe my parody will make someone think twice before reaching out...!

jh said...

This was great. I'm certain you would only select an island with palm trees, yes?

Kathryn said...

You know me so well. "Oh, cabana boy.....(I mean, man)!"

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