Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Is It Live, Or Is It Memorex?

Well, here I go again.

Why host a blog if I can’t climb on my soapbox every now and then? Those of you that truly know me are aware that teevee watching is somewhat limited in my world, if for no other reason than the fact that I’m a very busy worker-bee and usually don’t sit down and turn it on till around 11pm or so.

Therefore, I have every reason to expect the highest quality of programming.

Enter the modern-day Comcast equivalent of the Tivo…otherwise known as the “DV-R”. This is the single greatest invention since the wheel.

“Well, that’s a tad dramatic...don’t you think?” remarks my IV, the lately-unusually quiet, yet always opinionated Clinton Kelly.

K: “Nooooo, it’s just about right. Bring on the prize…this one’s a winner. It dices…it slices…it allows us to fast-forward through commercials and pause real-time.”

C: “Isn’t that some kind of oxymoron? Like old news…or extensive briefing? Does everyone around you freeze as well?”

K: “Very funny, Mr. Funny Man. The truth is, you haven’t lived till you can randomly pause something to go pee…or make tomorrow’s lunches…or to rock on to David Bowie and Queen singing ‘Pressure’ on your iPod.”

C: “Or, how about deafening silence? That’s a good one. Or pretty ugly…or how about original copy…hey, this is fun…”

K: “Excuse me. Do you mind, Mister-$24.99-a-copy? You get paid to talk…this is the land of the free. And speaking of free… I want to talk about the new string of commercial ads for the faux.”

C: “The what…for the what?? Tell them about my new book.”

K: “I did already. You’re not paying me enough to promote it more than once, Kelly. As a matter of fact, you’re not paying me anything…so zip it, Zippy.”

C: (Rolls eyes.) “Whatever. So talk…who’s stopping you? I’ll just sit quietly over here…thumbing through this copy of Freakin’ Fabulous, published by Simon Spotlight Entertainment and available at many convenient locations near you.”

K: (Sighs)

As I was saying, I have become addicted to my “DV-R” contraption-thingie. As the commercials are whizzing by (at “2x” speed…I’m not sure what this means, but I know it’s wicked fast) I’m casually counting all the car ads…almost always a minimum of two per commercial break. No worries…as they’re nothing but a blur as I careen towards the part where my show resumes. It’s freakin’ great.

Until you’re at someone else’s home and they don’t have it. It took me two or three rounds of stabbing the remote at the teevee in frustration before I realized that in this place, commercials have the run of the house…and therefore I’m forced to endure them in their entirety.

This is how I came across the latest ad for a plug-in air freshener that mimics the smell of being outside. I find this ironic on so many levels…is this for people who live in high rises and therefore can’t open their windows? What am I missing here?

Another fav of mine is the liquid foundation that starts out white in color and magically morphs to match each and every skin tone on the planet. What the hell?? Isn’t that the same thing as putting moisturizer on your face? Someone give me the phone…I want to get a patent on my latest invention: it’s an electronic device that not only emits music, but essential vitamins, nutrients and fiber into the air! We’ll call it “The MuViNuFi-Extreme 5000” and we’ll promote it as the biggest advancement in technology since the 8-track.

We’ll make a freakin' million!

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