Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Hysteria Revisited


A few weeks ago, I was watching TV in my bedroom. It was a typical evening…and I was toggling between Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives on Food Network and I Didn’t Even Know I Was Pregnant! on TLC. 

Do not judge me. I can’t explain it…there’s just something bizarre about that show. Maybe it’s because the voiceover-guy always says, “And new mom Twyla has no idea if her newborn child will suffer any post-traumatic stress from being born in the toilet…” and we all know that the baby is fine because every baby from the last 200 episodes has been fine and this is the part where I say out loud, “Oh, gee. I wonder if that mom’s gonna play this episode for this kid when he gets older and say, ‘See, honey? We put the story of how you were born in the toilet on TV for all the world to see’, ensuring that, if nothing else, he’ll be taunted by his peers and called names like “Poopy Boy” and “Toilet Throat”…’cause…ya know, kids can be cru-el and aren’t very sophisticated.

Anyway.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see…(wait for it)…a mouse. It darts behind the armoire and I begin to choke on that slice of pizza I was casually eating. Then, I scream.

“CONNOROHGODCRAPIT’SAMOUSEOHGODOHGODCONNORCONNORCONNOROHGODI’MGONNAPUKEIT’SAMOUSEOHCONNOR!!!!!”

Connor(14) comes barreling into the room and politely asks me to exit the area. Actually, I may have knocked him down in my enthusiasm to get out the door…but you get the idea. I bolted casually walk down the hall and frantically leap nonchalantly sit on the sofa in the living room.  Connor had closed the door behind him and had evidently decided he was going to catch this unwanted intruder. Unbeknownst to him, the little bugger made a hasty retreat back under my door and ran down the hall…directly towards me.

It was the scream heard ‘round the world.

I ran into the kitchen, crying and gagging and I flung myself onto the countertop…feet resting in the sink. Absent from this scenario was any hint of motherly restraint…for Connor does not fear this…this beast. This is my demon.

When I spied the thing scurrying across the living room…as if it was following me…I almost lost consciousness. At this point, I’m done. Game over. We’re moving…we’ll just live in the car…and I feel utterly betrayed by the one place where I should feel safe.

At this point, the thing disappears. Connor hunts and hunts…alternately moving furniture whilst reminding his mother-in-a-puddle that “it’s way more afraid of us”. After many, many minutes of looking, Connor proclaims the area secure…that it probably couldn’t take the noise level and booked next door for some peace and quiet.

After 20 minutes of hysteria, I began to settle down and had moved from my perch on the counter back to the couch. That’s when I saw it run out of my office. When I screamed, it ran back in.

Oh. My. God.

I flew out my front door in my bare feet and hammered on the landlord’s door. When he opened it, I yelled, “MOUSE. IT MUST DIE”, or something to that effect. He set traps and stuffed towels under my office door, assuring me that it would be “taken care of” by morning.

Needless to say, I didn’t sleep a wink that night. I told anyone that would listen about my mouse-mayhem at work the next day and I received little sympathy. Almost everyone looked at me like I’d lost my mind…being afraid of a helpless little mouse.

Although Connor initially claimed the mouse had been caught and disposed of by the landlord the next day, upon further interrogation questioning  I learned that the trap was, in fact, empty. I arrived home that evening with half a dozen mouse traps, four packages of blue poison pellets, several plug-in Sonic Pest Repellers and a healthy dose of dread.

The next morning, the traps were empty…but something had left a small piece of blue poison right next to my flip-flops. Almost as if to say, “I was gonna eat this but I decided to chew on the edge of your comforter instead. NAH-NAH-NAH-nah-nah-nah…” (Insert evil mouse-laugh here.)

That was several weeks ago…and since then, I haven’t seen any signs of anything.

Helpless, my ass. 

Fierce said...

I believe you, that mouse definitely had some evil master plan involving scaring you witless. But you are brave, strong Kathryn of Kathrynville, and we readers? We will help you fight this epic battle of (wo)man against beast, because there is no such thing as a "helpless" mouse.

:)
xoxo

kathryn said...

Fierce: Wow. How did you get to be so wise? Are you BFFs with the Dalai? I'm guessing this must be so. I did not feel brave. I felt...violated. Thank you for choosing to stand next to me whilst we battle this fiercest of creatures. On second thought, I think I'll stand behind you...

Cathy Olliffe-Webster said...

He's probably sleeping in your pillow case. He likes the smell of your perfume and squeaks sweet nothings in your ear all night long.

ValleyWriter said...

I hate to bring this up.. but you say you haven't seen anything... Have you SMELLED anything? That's usually what happens with critters & poison (ew!!).

I am not so scared of mice, but rats - no way Jose. When our realtor told us "roof rats" are common in California (they like to climb up the palm trees and sun themselves on the roof), I almost moved back to MA that day! Fortunately, no rats here yet (seen, heard or smelled!).

Gigi said...

Yeah, that "helpless" creature is up to something. I'd move.

I must say your reaction was quite restrained!

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Vermin MUST be exterminated

Jen said...

You're back! I can't handle rodents either. We had a slew of them in my apartment in college. I was a mess all year. It was so disgusting. Here's to hoping you got rid of the little bastard.

Slamdunk said...

Ha, that must have been a shocker.

I did laugh at your son's battle charge--this is where all of that XBox Call of Duty training pays off.

Jenny said...

Ohhhhhh myyyy goooosh, I laughed SO HARD! Your hysteria is hysterical. :) I'm glad you survived. I was almost murdered by a grasshopper once. People need to take things like this more seriously.

Missed reading your stuff girlfriend! Hope you're doing ok!

Betsy said...

We once briefly rented a house that had an infestation of mice, we could literally hear them moving around behind the walls. Our cats would sit and stare at the wall for hours at a time, knowing they were there but unable to get at them. Must have drove them mad!

Alicia said...

Merry Christmas Kathryn! It must be Christmas because I feel like a little kid at Christmas when I check my email in he morning and there is a post from Kathryn! I'm all giddy and joyful!

So now this creature, how dare he invade your space! Next time I suggest you call the fire department. Even if they don't catch the mouse, firemen are so cute :-D

Adele said...

I know what you feel! I had a mouse running around in my room about a year ago. Oh it was a scary night. Yeah, I know that it's tiny and scared of me and everything, but still... it's not supposed to be in my room!!! Really. Why can't they just live somewhere far away in some sort of a Mouseworld?

kathryn said...

Cathy Olliffe-Webster: OHMYGOD. Are you trying to kill me?? Don't answer that. And do not tell me that mice like to climb bedsheets...'cause if you do, I'm going to become your permanent house guest. And probably not in a good way.

ValleyWriter: Ewwwww. I hear you, sweetie! And yeah, I was warned about a possible...(ahem) odor. Luckily, they seem to have eaten and ran, even though my dad said they often can't remember where the exit is. So. Freakin'. Gross.

Gigi: Thank you. (Sniffs) I thought I held it together quite well. Connor may never be the same, though. And yeah...how sneaky was that thing? It was like a rodent-mafia-message...only with blue poison. Bleh.

kathryn said...

A Daft Scots Lass: Amen. I could not agree more. But then, that's obvious...right??

Jen: Hey! Yeah...it feels like I'm on a roll. God, I hope so. Thank you for the bye-bye-bastard wishes...we can only hope. They completely, totally and utterly skeeve me out.

Slamdunk: Ha! It's so true! How did you know that Connor plays Call of Duty? He absolutely took charge...and wanted me to mention that it was a baby mouse...and evidently very...(gags) cute. Yeah, riiiiight.

kathryn said...

Jenny: (Grinning) Thanks Sweetie! Your comment made my day! Wow...I hope that grasshopper is doing 20 years-to-life in the penn for attempting to harm you. Doesn't he know who you are??

Betsy: Oh, wow! I'll bet that did drive the cats mad. I'd have given anything for a cat during this...incident. Though I'm allergic, I would have gladly dealt with the wheeze to know something could catch that critter.

Alicia: Ha! I will definitely do that! Maybe they'll let me camp out on their ladder for a day or two...just till I feel safe. Thank you for missing me...the cyber-loooove is appreciated across the miles...more than you know!

kathryn said...

Adele: I know! That is exactly how I feel. Live and let live...but outside, where they belong. That and the element of surprise with their fast, jerky movements...totally freaks me out!

Dorn said...

In my early 20s I lived with 3 roommates and a dog. Eventually we had a mouse problem. Shouldn't surprise anyone that 4.5 men couldn't keep a clean house. We did the blue pellet thing. HOLY. CRAP. The amount of blue poop in areas that I still shudder to think about was terrifying. I threw out every pot and pan in the house. I couldn't eat in the house for months. Some evidence doesn't need to be highlighted by electric blue dye. Good luck!

Spot said...

Three words: Get A Cat!!

We live way out in the country so we have mice every winter. Well, we also have cats. The mice don't last very long.

This was hilarious. I'm so glad Conner was there with you!

♥Spot

kathryn said...

Dorn: You had me laughing out loud at this image of electric-blue mouse poop! Well it served them right, dammit! Stay out of my house and your poop will be a normal color! 'Nuff said.

Spot: I know! (She whined.) If I can get past the ensuing wheeze from my killer allergies. I actually had 2 cats before reproducing...somehow, childbirth made me allergic. I think someone told the mice.

Carol said...

Sweetie, move! he went to get his friends, scaring the crap out of you is the most fun he's had in ages. They are gonna down a couple cold ones and come taunt you when Connor is not home.Move now. It's the only way to go.

Gigi said...

*snort!* Laughing at all the comments - and your replies.....

You do realize that you are the ONLY one I come back to see what's been said after I've left my mark, err....I mean my comment?

And yeah, I TOTALLY saw the Mafia overtones in the scenario....

Kristy said...

Hey I would do the same thing. Not crazy at all. I love how you commented at my site about my boy being so big and his outfit at hockey! I agree of course that he is so cute! And, I also loved the punky-ness of his outfit - the shorts and black socks and hat. So silly.

Gay Guy said...

Reality shows really are one-trick ponies, aren't they?

kathryn said...

Carol: Okay! 'Cause hey, we're obviously not dealing with your average-intelligence mouse. There's probably a whole CLAN of them. They're probably watching me right now...
Gigi: Really?? (Smiles broadly) I'm so flattered, sweetie! I've always said that I have the best commenters...I knew I wasn't the only one who knew it!
Kristy: Ha! Yeah...shorts, black socks and a hat. You do realize that a girl wouldn't be caught dead in that ensemble, right?
Gay Guy: Yes...I couldn't agree more. And yet, I'm drawn into this one if I stumble across it, even though it's so damned predictable. I guess I want to be sure I'm aware of every conceivable way that a person could tell the very same story.

Wendy Blum said...

Well, even after all this time of my unexcused absence I come back and find your story telling as lively as it ever was, Kathryn.
Though I am not afraid of mice, a spider would have the same effect on me as "your" mouse had on you. Only the flip flop would've been the spider's demise. Feel free to insert my evil laugh....Now :)

Angelina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Angelina said...

After being away for a couple of weeks I returned home. My hubby was on a business trip so I was alone. No sooner had I unpacked, I spied a spider. I screamed, no one heard me of course. Then... I saw another one, much bigger, huge, gigantic! Thankfully I have a collection of heavy books. "War and Peace" was about the right size.

I phoned hubby immediately. I said, I'm going to a hotel! He said. What, did I do something??? No, not you. But the house is infested with spiders I said. How many did you see, said he. TWO!!! I said, and if there are two who knows how many...I added. Calmly he said. You have to get some perspective you are much bigger and if you see another one just leave the room not the house. Doen't he know they have eight legs and can follow! ugh.

Juliet said...

ah yes. women have a right to be terrified of mice. i would be screaming with ya. yikes!!
Juliet
now following :)

Jeff said...

Mickey is brokenhearted... ;)

kathryn said...

Wendy Blum: Hey you!! Ha! That seems to be the common line-in-the-sand for most people. They're either mouse fans (not.) or spider fans (not.). I'm not fond of spiders...but I'll gladly handle 'em over these despicable...rodents. Gross.

Angelina: Oh, I totally feel your pain! I'll bet hubby would have sung a different tune if that spider crawled across his nice hotel pillow. I'm with you...two is an infestation...they hang out in freakin' groups!

Juliet: Welcome! I appreciate the comment and the follow. I'm doing my very best to find a balance between there (real life) and here (where I truly want to be!) I'll apologize ahead of time if I'm not as responsive as I should be.

Jeff: Yeah? Well...Mickey is hopefully swimming wit da fishes, if you know what I mean. And I'm not one bit sorry.

Juliet said...

woops! Thanks so much for letting me know. I cant believe i missed that so many times!
Juliet :)

Runnergirl said...

I've been too busy at work to read your blog entries.

THIS WAS A BIG MISTAKE!

I forgot how much your posts make me laugh!

Thank you!

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