Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Melting (Pot?)

I’ve decided we’re long overdue for a seriously-lighthearted self-interview with yours truly.

And don’t even bother telling me that I have redundant oxymoron taking place above, ‘cause honestly, Scarlett??  I don’t give a damn.

Interviewer: “So, Kathryn….hot enough for ya?”

Kathryn: “Ha. I totally didn’t see that coming.”

I: “I know, right? I thought I’d dive right in with the hard-hitting questions.”

K: “Okay.”

I: “Wait. What?”

K: “Ask the question.”

I: “I already did. Let the record reflect that this witness is hostile.”

K: “WTF?”

I: “Oh. Sorry. I’ve been watching Drop Dead Diva. Good show. She’s a lawyer, you know.”

K: (Frowns) “I’m aware…but it’s irrelevant. Focus, Interviewer.”

I: “We prefer ‘Translation Specialist’ or ‘Procurer of Intelligence for Public Consumption’.”

K: (Stares. Frowns.) “Who the hell is ‘we’?”

I: “That would encompass myself and all the other voices in your head. Recent additions to the group would include Tim, Heidi and Suze.”


Tim Gunn: “MAKE IT WORK, PEOPLE!


Heidi Klum: “AUF WIEDERSEHEN!


Suze Orman: DENIED!”

K: (Winces) “Crap. How the hell did so many people get in there? It does explain why I’ve put on a few pounds…”


Clinton Kelly: “Uh-huh. I’m sure that 'emergency' stash of peanut butter Lindor Truffles you’ve been popping from the very back corner of the second drawer on the right side of your desk has absolutely nothing to do with it.”

K: “Clinton. Inside voice, dammit. And it's still lame to use 'air-quotes'...I don't care who you are. ”

Heidi: “There’s chocolate?! GUTEN TAG…HALLO!

Suze: “APPROVED!! Out of my way. Comin' through...

Kathryn: “Dammit! This is a test, people. There is no chocolate. Had there actually been chocolate, you would have each received advance notification via email marked ‘High Priority’ with return receipt requested. Again, there is no chocolate. This concludes our test. Kudos for not trampling each other in your zest to reach said (fictional) chocolate.”

I: “Who are you talking to?”

K: (Sighs)

I: “I’ll bet now you’re wishing you’d answered my initial question, huh? Don’t bother showing me out. I know the way. Even though you and I both know I'll never really go.”


Carol said...

Peanut butter and chocolate make you gain weight? Someone should have told me, I recently have been having peanut butter binges, I think I need a twelve step program. Maybe someone in my head to point out the few pounds thing.

diane rene said...

tell those voices they aren't allowed to play if they can't be nice and respect the rules.

... yeah, doesn't work in my head either, but, eh!

Alicia said...

I'm glad to see Clinton is still hanging around to keep you in check.

So was this interview about the weather, chocolate, Project Runway?

Seriously, that interviewer has some issues with focus!

Slamdunk said...

I am glad your voices are creative and funny, mine only tell me that I am about to back the family car into something after it is too late to stop. Blah...

Alan W. Davidson said...

Geez. All of those people living with you and the boys. You should put them to work: cooking, cleaning, shopping for food and your new wardrobe and such. Then you'd have lots 'o time to write. Just sayin'...

Gigi said...

Wait. You mean to tell me those voices in my head are what is causing the numbers on the scale to go up?!

Adele said...

Haha, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who has strangers in my head talking to me. Thanks for that.

Adele said...

Haha, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who has strangers in my head talking to me. Thanks for that.

Margarete said...

Posts like that make me miss my morning oatmeal and coffee...

Love it!

Lauren said...

Say what!? Lindor makes a truffle with peanut butter? Man! Can we maybe set up something where Clinton sends me these memos?

Spot said...

It's good to see you back and that Kathrynville is still a thriving metropolis. =]

♥Spot

Jerry said...

There are times when I thought I would like to get in your head. But, on second thought....

Jen said...

Good to see you back. Peanut butter truffles sound really good. As far as weight goes, is it just me or has Heidi lost a bunch. I saw a snippet of her on tv and the woman looked starved.

Kristy said...

Yay for Project Wunway! (You know, said like Heidi Klum says it)

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