Saturday, February 19, 2011

-athryn...Who??

Anonymous Person #1: “What the hell ever happened to that chick from Inside…Out? The one who lost the first letter of her name to some mysterious, unnamed boss (Dragon, Ric Dragon) due to some unfortunate trauma of his (we can only assume it’s a childhood trauma that somehow involved a cello, a container of Play-Doh and something to do with his mother…’cause in the end, mothers manage to get blamed for just about everything anyway. I’m just saying…), whereas the rule is that anyone with a “K” in their name had to have it surgically removed if they wanted to work with him? Wow. Imagine if your name is Drake…or Brooke…or Nikkie? That’d be a bitch. ”

Anonymous Person #2: “Excuse me? WTF was the question? Do I know you??”

#1: “Very funny. Seriously, what was her name? Kelly? Kourtney? Kumbaya??”

#2: “You very well know her name. For everyone else, it was Kathryn.”

#1: “Did you say ‘was’? Did she DIE? ‘Cause I heard she was in rehab with some hairdresser who got hopelessly addicted to the hairspray fumes from the guy on Jerseylicious who used it in his hair like, every half an hour. It looked lime cement on camera. I can only imagine what it felt like. And the fumes....(shivers)...”

#2: (Stares) “No, I believe it’s her 81-year-old dad that’s in a physical rehabilitation facility following several bad falls, two trips to the doctor and a 5-day-stay at a hospital. Now her dad’s getting three squares a day, his meds are on time and the goal of physical therapy is to make him stop falling down. She’s missed more work than she can possibly make up but rumor has it that she’s relieved as hell he’s in a secure, comfortable environment (albeit temporary…21 days) and that although she has stuff to do during the day today, she’s planning on partying like it’s 2011 tonight with her sisters. Rumor also has it that there will most likely be alcohol, dancing with abandon and there’s been talk of building a couch in the middle of the front yard constructed entirely of snow. I’m sure photos will be taken…if not by the participants, then surely by the neighbors.”

#1: “What’s the ‘stuff’ she has to do today?”

#2: “That’s what you got out of that explanation? Whatever. She’s taking her car in for a recall she got like, 2 months ago. Evidently, her steering wheel can lock whilst she’s driving. Also, her windshield wipers are getting ‘wonky’. (Her word, not mine.) They only operate on one speed (fast) and won’t retract when you turn them off…but simply stop in wherever position they happen to be in at the moment. When the roads are messy, which is basically all the time, you’ll hear the click of her turning them on…followed by the click of her turning them off…followed by, “CRAP”, as they’ve stopped in the perfect spot to completely obscure her vision. Then it’s a series of, clickclickDAMMIT!...click, clickSONOFABITCH!...click, clickYOU ARE SO FREAKIN’ DEAD TO ME…etc. If the steering wheel locking doesn’t kill her, the stress from those damn wipers may just do her in. Either way, it’s time.”

#1: “So, she’s not dead? Or in rehab? Or fleeing the law from that Ponzi scheme?”

#2: “What?! Um, no, no…and NO. My understanding is she’s fully aware that she’s been frustratingly remiss in both posting, visiting others’ blogs and commenting here and there and even mentioned a few people (AKA Spot, Mark, Wendy, Pampers & Pinot, Missed Periods ((not what you might think it means, BTW)) and Chrissy, (to mention a few but certainly not all)...and some very welcome newbies commenting at Inside…Out and many, many others who faithfully comment on a regular basis...but I can’t read her harried notes here as I believe she was driving when she wrote them) whom she hasn’t spoken to in “fore-eva”-again, her word- and is feeling a crapload of guilt and said, “I’m really jonesing to get back online to my place and stay awhile”.

#1: “WTF does ‘jonesing’ mean?”

#2: “Look it up. It’s a New York thing. Suffice to say, she’s missed everyone and has cleared her calendar of everything on Sunday except to pay two bills, investigate and remove whatever’s emitting that funky smell in the back of the fridge and will stay in Inside…Out all day...in her jammies, if need be. She's also reminded me of some self-imposed punishment she has that will not allow her to read one comment until she’s in a position to reciprocate…so she’s almost afraid to check her site. She’s thinking no-one’s there but spider webs and a dog-eared copy of Nat Geo from 2004.”

#1: “Do you think she’ll really resurface tomorrow and make a dent in re-connecting, Clinton? It would make her feel a hell of a lot better. I've heard she installed the theme song from the show “Cheers” as her ringtone, as a gentle reminder of everyone here she adores so much…”

#2: (Frowns) “Well, thanks for blowing my cover, Anonymous Person #1. As I am a man of integrity and honor, I shall not stoop to your level. But to answer your question? Yes, Ellen…I do believe she’ll be back.

xo

Dorn said...

As long as Ellen and Clinton are chattin' about you, you'll never fade away. Looking forward to your dent tomorrow.

Gigi said...

Funny how life seems to get in the way of blogging. Hope your dad recovers quickly. Have a great time tonight - I'm supposed to go out as well (see - there's that parallel again) but I don't know if I'll make it. This damn bug will NOT go away.

dailyseeking said...

I'm glad your back; hoping your dad makes a speedy recovery.

Lily Johnson said...

I did miss you dear. I was thinking 'WTH happened to Kat? Guess now I know thanks to Clinton and Ellen.
Take care and eagerly expecting more of you.

Kimberly said...

Glad to hear you dad is doing better. Praying for a speedy recovery for him!

Enjoy your night out tonight! But not too much. :)

injaynesworld said...

Very clever! Sounds like you've had a lot to deal with. Looking forward to you getting your blogging groove back on and all my best to your dad in his rehabbing.

Alicia said...

So glad you are back. Missed you bunches. I figured it was life getting in the way. Happens to me too. There should be a pill for that huh?

Gigi said...

You know, after much thought, I had to come back to add this....

If Ric, Ric Dragon insists on dropping the "K" from Kathryn then you should insist on dropping the "R" from Ric. That would reduce him to -ic, ic Dragon.

That might make him re-think his stance on the "K" issue. Because, really? Who wants to be known as Ic?

ValleyWriter said...

I wondered about you, too - though I have to admit I've been MIA a bit myself, so I can't really say much. I'm sorry to hear your dad hasn't been doing well, but glad that he's getting help now. My thoughts are with you, dear athryn.

sage said...

Wow, you tell us a lot in this creatively funny post! Glad you're okay and that you're dad is getting three squares in that place and not the other place (the government run one) that offers the same deal for a little more confinement.

Kristy said...

You always have the most creative ways to get information across! I am so impressed.

John McElveen said...

Great to see Atheryn again!!

Missed ya--what--Yes--I was gone for 3 days.

And you post this incredible piece and I have to forgive you.

For what, I'm not sure. But I seriously hope your Dad is doing well!

Love ya K,

John

There it is-- the missing K

Oh--and if your name was Dick--it would still be--Dic, just not as LONG!!!! !!!!

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Lou said...

Wow sounds like things are full on for you right now. Hope your dad's doing OK.

Jen said...

You forgot about me! Been missing you around the blogosphere. Sorry life is so chaotic these days. But, I guess that's just life.

Collette said...

WHEW! So, I'm not the only one who hasn't been keeping up. Sorry to hear about your dad but glad he is getting the help he needs to get better. I understand about the windshield wipers as we have been combatting quite a bit of snow ourselves in Michigan(see my post for my complaints...lol) Hope to see you soon! (((HUGS)))

Jerry said...

Its cool about your Dad -- and its cool that you are here. It is okay to say 'cool', isn't it?

kathryn said...

Dorn: Yeah...about that...well, it took me an extra week but here I am! Sweet comment, bud. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I'm a-trying...

Gigi: I do hope you're feeling better by now, sweets. If not, I believe a visit to George Clooney...or, I suppose, any doctor of your choosing will have to suffice. (Yeah, I know he's not a doctor anymore on teevee...hey, it's early!)

dailyseeking: Thank you sweetie! I have missed all of you very much. I wish I didn't have to start getting ready for work in a few minutes...I wanna stay! (Stomps foot in protest...almost spills coffee.)

kathryn said...

Lily Johnson: I appreciate your concern, honey...you know I do. It seems as if every time I think I'm getting a handle on my time, something (or someone) absconds with some of it. I'm trying my best...and I will find a balance, dammit.

Kimberly: Yes, the night out was much-needed...and it took me a bit to get into not being in stress-mode. My sisters made me laugh...hard...and I sorely needed that. More to come...and thanks so much for the prayers, sweets. Always appreciated.

injaynesworld: Thank you so much, my dear! You know the drill...it comes in waves and then (hopefully) gets lovely and quiet and....ordinary. Can't wait to blog w/o guilt...can't wait to blog w/o being interrupted...and if you ever hear that I've run away from home, look here...'cause this is where I'd probably be!

kathryn said...

Alicia: Oh, yeah...there should be a coping-pill...especially since booze doesn't cut it. Not that there aren't pills out there...but what if you just want one that makes you manage your time more effectively and gives you more money at the same time? Oh, and takes off ten years while it's at it?? Perfect, right??

Gigi: You have a valid point...and I do believe there was a glimmer of conscious with that decision of his because he gifted me a beautiful red "K" which sits center stage on my desk. I'll have to photograph it for you. Fortunately, he's never dropped the "K" in an intro, so I think we may be okay. ("ic"....HA!)

Valley Writer: Thank you, dear friend. I guess MIA is pretty much par for the course when we lead such full, sometimes-chaotic lives, right? It's frustrating, though...'cause there's a huge part of me that lives here and I'm always wanting to stay. Like now...when I must sign up and get ready for work. (Sigh) If no emergencies...maybe I'll honestly be back tonight. Fingers crossed!!

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