Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Road to Insanity is Paved with Seltzer

Once upon a time, there lived an ex pole dancer with an IQ of 168, extraordinarily-awesome hair, legs that went on for miles and a sense of humor that once gave Seinfeld a hernia from uncontrolled bouts of laughter.

That gal, my friends, could be me.

Okay, so maybe the only pole moves I’ve ever done involved trying to escape down one that attached to the big-kid slide when I was too chicken to actually wait my turn to hurtle down the 103-degree-aluminum-ride-of-death when I was ten:

…and maybe that 168 isn’t really my IQ but more like the balance in my checking account…and I might have just made Jerry pee a little bit…

But the long legs and great hair are mine, dammit. Can I finish the story now??

This chick has it all: great fam, great friends, great job, awesome blog and the extraordinary ability to recite the alphabet backwards, even during inappropriate moments of stress. But there is one trait that seems to get her into trouble: she likes to drink lots and lots of seltzer…and she likes to drink it at room temperature. (It’s weird…I know….but hey, I never said she was perfect.)

Drinking lots and lots of seltzer has its value. Hell, you’re drinking water, after all. How can that be bad? The bubbles tickle your nose and relieve any errant gastro-intestinal upsets, resulting in one's experience of sweet, lady-like belches, which are often a source of private amusement that will cause this gal to smile knowingly, and will more than likely cause those who catch her eye to unknowingly smile back, creating a universal ripple-effect of smiles that could ultimately result in world peace.

Hey, it could happen.

The downside to drinking room-temperature seltzer is that during the initial opening of the bottle, you must turn the cap ever-so-slowly…to let the carbonation escape ever-so-gradually…or be prepared to take an unexpected seltzer-shower. Don’t believe me? Go ahead…give it a try. I double-dog-dare ya. You’re fine once you’ve progressed past this nerve-racking initial phase and have taken a few lady-like gulps (yeah, she’s a drink-straight-out-of-the-bottle kinda gal…but always with one pinky delicately raised, of course) but beware of that first time. It’s a doozy.

At work, she’s kind enough to offer her co-workers a verbal, “Seltzer alert, people”…so that they receive sufficient advance notice of the inevitable “sssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssSSSSSS” sound to follow and they don’t panic and call 9-1-1, thinking someone’s about to be consumed by an escaped, freakishly-oversized rattlesnake from the Bronx Zoo that somehow made its way up to the second floor of this particular building, took a left at the second green door, somehow got past the employees in the first three offices and is now closing in to dine on the tastiest one of their beloved dragons.

Hey, ya never know.

Her dad’s been in and out of the hospital. He started off at home, then to one hospital…then to rehab….then was rushed to a second hospital (for a completely different reason, just to mix things up a bit so everyone is truly and utterly insane) and as of this writing is back in the rehabilitation place, getting stronger and evidently feeling more like himself, as he insisted that Laura (sis) drive down there and bring him ice cream ‘cause he didn’t like whatever kind they had on hand. I mean, that’s progress, right??

You’re probably wondering what this has to do with seltzer. I know I would be. See, on one of her visits to the hospital, she lost her mind and opened a new bottle of seltzer on the way to her Dad’s hospital room, looking to take one giant swig to down the ibuprofen hurriedly thrown into her mouth moments before to quell the monster headache threatening to cause her brain to self-combust.

The seltzer literally went off like a volcanic geyser and she yelped in surprise and spit the pills all over the floor, along with her keys and her yet-to-be-validated parking stub from the lot. Now, a hospital….with all those walkers and IV’s…. is probably not the best place to create a slippery (water), bumpy (four Advil) environment for sick people sauntering down the hall. And the nurses who are simultaneously walking and trying to read the doctors’ terrible handwriting on those charts probably aren’t too keen on it, either. Afraid to leave the scene for even a second to grab paper towels for fear of an even bigger mess, she stood rooted to the spot until she could flag someone down and offer about a hundred apologies, while some sweet nurse’s aide was kind enough to insist on cleaning up the mess on her own. Grateful, the gal thanked the sweet aide cleaning up the projectile seltzer with bits of half-melted Advil mixed in and proceeded to enter her dad’s room, where he inquired as to why there was so much ruckus in the hall.

Two days later, this gal returned to said hospital…with a previously-opened seltzer in hand (thankyouverymuch) to discover this sign above her dad’s bed:

Ha. I’m glad someone’s got a wicked sense of humor. I’m certainly glad I’m not that gal…for I would probably be mortified. And if I were her, I think I’d switch over to something a little less…combustible. Maybe a nice coffee cup of concealed Cloudy….I’ll bet she wouldn’t spill any of that.

Alicia said...

Hahahaha! This is the Kathryn I know and love. Only Kathryn would have something like this happen to her.

On a more serious note. I hope your dad is going to be ok!

Have missed you my friend, but I can see you have your plate full. Take care, keep smiling that smile as I'm sure it will eventually bring world peace!

Hey! It could happen!

kathryn said...

Alicia: Hey, babe! You know me too well...and your sweetness and support are what I love most about you. Thank you for the lovely comment and for reminding me that true friends are always there for you...just waiting to offer encouragement. It means more than you know! xoxo

Alan W. Davidson said...

Ha! That was a funny story and you're a funny lady. I bet you made Jerry pee A LOT. I bet he had to excuse himself to change his...well, you get the picture. Glad to hear your dad is doing better.

Gigi said...

So, basically what you are saying is that the tastiest dragons are located in the inner office - good to know.

Glad to hear that your dad is getting better; anytime you start complaining about the ice cream then you know you are on the mend.

Dorn said...

Is Soda Water and Seltzer Water the same thing? I thought Seltzer was what clowns used in their slapstick routines. If so then you can just pass this whole thing off as practice for your Patch Adams impersonation. Right setting and all.

Straight Guy said...

When called out like this, I always escalate the confrontation. Show up with a wobbly cart full of barely-balanced, but filled-to-the-brim, carbonated drink options.

diane rene said...

aww :( hope dad's going to be okay SOON!
my dad has spent a lot of time in the hospital, or hospitals. because of his special circumstances, he gets sent to a different one depending on what is ailing him at the moment. my favorite (NOT) is when he is sent to USC ... I have a collection of Texas Longhorn gear that I wear especially for my visits with him there. all of the staff just shake their heads at me as I stroll thru the doors.
it's the little things in life, am I right?

Full-On-Forward said...

Awesome post! Prayers for you Dad!

And don't forget to take the Alka---with the Selzer for the Ibumotrin!

Hugs my NY Friend!


Kesha Tickets said...

it's going to be great. And I'm 100% with you on the boob sweat. It's just plain unnecessary!

Christopher said...

That's funny stuff. Glad to hear you're dad is getting his strength back too.

Oh, and you had me at long legs...

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Awesome - you're funeee

Have a great weekend.

Kristy @Loveandblasphemy said...

That's great! Room temperature seltzer, huh? Yikes. Surely there is more downsides? Maybe?

Jen said...

So sorry your dad has been in the hospital. I've been wondering where you've been. Haven't seen you around the blogosphere in quite a while.

Jerry said...

It took me three attempts to get past the hair and long legs part -- but once I did, you had me laughing. While I'm sorry your father is in the hospital, we can see he sure hasn't lost his sense of humor. And we now know where you get yours.

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