Thursday, October 21, 2010

Scream and Lift

So a while back, I happened upon an article outlining how you could use these facial exercises to perform a non-surgical face-lift. They seemed totally reasonable and completely doable in my spare time, so I thought I’d give them a try.

Not that I need a face-lift or anything….I was actually Googling “How to Face Your Fear of Lifting”…yeah, I’m pretty sure that was it.


Clinton Kelly (MIA of late, temporarily ((albeit incorrectly and prematurely)) presumed deceased, may-he-rest-in-peace), MY IV, author, TV host, public speaker and drinker of anything that includes gin): “You neglected to mention my Macy’s spokesperson gig, my clothing line on QVC, or my seasonal switch to Manhattans in the cooler months. Where is my cocktail, by the way? You said you’d have it ready.”

Kathryn: “No, I did not. You announced in a rather threatening tone that ‘I’d better have it ready when you…’ ...and then the line went dead. I do believe the call was dropped.”

CK: “Huh. Interesting, since I’d emailed you to follow up.”

K: “Really? ‘Cause I heard the server was down today.”

CK: (Eyes suspiciously) “Which server, exactly?”

K: (Blank stare) “Uh. All of them. It was an internal hydrosync of the radical sprinkboob which caused a short in the satellitespleen that conducts the mobility of the paradoxyl spanx-continuum. It’s technical stuff…you wouldn’t understand.”

CK: “I see. So, you’re finally looking into that face lift?”

K: “Bite me. I said I’d found some facial muscle-strengthening exercises online and I’m trying to incorporate them into my day…but it’s not as easy as you’d think.”

CK: (Folds arms) “Okay. I’ll play along. What are you supposed to do?”

K: “I’m glad you asked. The first exercise asks you to open your eyes REALLY WIDE and open your mouth REALLY WIDE and hold it for like, 20 seconds….


…I do believe the hands on the face are optional, though.”

CK: “And what, precisely, is this supposed to do…besides scaring the crap out of anyone who sees you?”

K: “Um. Stretch everything? How the hell should I know? It didn’t explain why…it just said to do it. The second exercise is to purse your lips REALLY HARD like you’re trying to whistle...or maybe kiss something that’s like, 3 feet away...and hold for the prerequisite 20 seconds.”


CK: (Sips his cocktail) “Wow…check out those cheekbones. I wonder if she’s had any work done.”

K: “Ha. You’re missing my entire poi--. HEYHow’d you get that drink?? Never mind…I’ll assume you simply dumped it out of that take-out coffee container you were carrying when you arrived. Now I’m completely re-thinking every time I’ve seen you with ‘coffee’…”

CK: “Do you have a point? This needs freshening.”

K: (Sighs) “Yes, I do. You are then supposed to do some maneuver where you try to look UP, whilst FORCING the back of your head FORWARD...and then reverse it. I just don’t see how one can accomplish this whilst driving.”

CK: (Stares) “Kathryn. You can’t be serious.”

K: “Well, not about the ‘head UP, head DOWN’ part…but the surprised and whistling part? Yeah. Commuting is the perfect time to do them. I’m just wondering what the other commuters will think when they see it.”

CK: (Startled) “You’re doing this in front of other people?? In public??”

K: “’Public’ is a relative term. I am in the privacy of my own vehicle…but, yes…technically, I suppose it’s public domain. Why? Do you think it’s a bad idea?”

CK: (Pauses) “I think someone could get hurt. You’ll either scare the crap out of them or distract the hell out of them and either way, they’ll drive off the road and it’ll be all your fault.”

K: (Thinks) “But, do you think I’d still look younger??”

(CK walks out of the room in response.)

What do you think? Would you do these moves whilst driving and not give a damn what anyone else thinks?? I need to know.

Molly Louise said...

I would practice this while driving.

I have also heard that practicing the Welsh alphabet is just as good as Botox. And a lot less expensive.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Clinton basically voice my thoughts at the end there...but, I can also see it happening....Oh no. You don't think this'll become a trend do you?!

Women everywhere will be stretching their facial muscles, causing people to stare and crash, which will make them pay HUGE bills and sink us ever lower!

But, you still could look younger.

diane rene said...

oddly enough, looking at these techniques might explain why Lucille Ball had such an amazingly young looking face ???
I say, do it in the car ... 'it' being the facial expressions, and well, applying make up, catching up on that leisurely reading ... I know you can handle multi tasking, you've proven that with video of your commute ;0)

Christiejolu said...

Those are some funny faces...They face yoga on Youtube...Not that I was looking...

Lauren said...

I wouldn't do most of things you do while driving. I seriously need to focus THAT hard. But if you feel comfortable... go for it. Who knows, you may instead cause a suicidal person to laugh and save their life. You could be a hero with a creepily tight face. I mean, with the rejuvinated look of a woman who found an alternative to a surgical facelift?

Christopher said...

i'm about to go check youtube to see if someone maybe took a video of you without you knowing... this sounds hilarious

Lynn said...

*snort* Oh, this made me laugh at the thought of you doing this in the car. Or sitting in the doctor's office. Or while waiting in the check out lines...

Sorry, I've been a bit out of commission lately, although I've been reading your posts. Unexpected trip to BC. But I've been reading your posts, even though the internet here has been sporadic at best. You've given me much needed smiles--thanks!

Selina Kingston said...

I dont think so! I'm very self-conscious in the car. I can't even do my pelvic floor excercises in case anyone guesses what I'm doing ......

Angelina said...

Funny! The only exercise I do while driving is my kegels, and even then I notice people looking at me. I wonder if I'm doing them wrong!

Gigi said...

You mean to tell me that when we are inside the car other people can see in?!? And here I thought it was my own little privacy capsule!

Do them - cause odds are the person in the next car is doing his/her own thing and won't even notice.

I'll be trying a few a these exercises myself this morning - you know, in the interest of science.

sage said...

I didn't realize you were Van Gogh's model for "the Scream" and Whistler's mother? You really are eternal, aren't you, Kathryn? :)

ValleyWriter said...

Who cares about distracting other drivers... I'd be afraid all that stretching and skin movement might cause wrinkles! Besides - you look fabulous dahling - no lifting required!

j.m. neeb said...

You are going to hate me for this, but most people think I'm about 8 years younger than I am... so I'll just focus on my regular driving and skip the exercises.

Alicia said...

It wouldn't bother me to do them in the car, especially the kissy face one...the truckers would probably like that. I work with truckers and they like anything kissy. They're a horny bunch! Oops...strike that.

Anyway. I wouldn't do that open your mouth and eyes real big thing cause my theory is that when you do that you are really stretching your skin, like you would a sweater right? And when you stretch a sweater does it ever end up smaller? I think not. So I think your skin would actually stretch more and probably start to sag and get more wrinkley.

But love the kissy face!

Alicia said...

Oh and welcome back to your IV. I love all your drinking buddies :-)

Thaydra said...

Absolutely do them while driving. Then, you can add the laughing exercise when you see people's reactions. I've heard that one is good for tightening ab muscles!

I might just have to try these..

HulaBuns said...

Oh man, I would totally do them while driving. In fact, when Binderclips is driving sometimes I make faces at people in other cars just for fun (and to embarrass him). But this is functional face making, I'm in.

Tina said...

I'm making those faces now (out of guilt) because I haven't been here for so long. I'm a fool. Forgive me? I have cocktails...

Runnergirl said...

So that's what my fellow commuters are doing!?!

Kristy said...

My mom used to do these strange exercises in the mirror to try and tighten her under chin neck skin. It scared me.

Gay Guy said...

Kathryn,
Can't we just put warm wash cloths on our face and take a short nap? Wouldn't that work better?

kathryn said...

Molly Louise: You would? Well, then. I'll keep an eye out for you during my commute! And if you'll excuse me, I have to Google the Welsh alphabet now!

Oddyoddyo13: HA! You are getting quite the razor-sharp wit on you, Dani!! Gee, I guess if we could crash the cars ourselves, then we could maybe get the cosmetic surgery whilst they're stitching our internal organs back in. We could "kill two birds", so to speak...

diane rene: HA! I'm thinking you're correct about Lucy. She was always making those expressions...and she did look GREAT.Oh, the things we could do in the car...if only that damn driving didn't keep getting in the way!

kathryn said...

Christiejolu: Really? I'm going to have to check that out! Ya know...just because you've mentioned it and I want to be polite and all. (Boy, we're very good w/the disclaimers, huh?)

Lauren: I LOVE YOUR ANSWERS! Freakin' genius! You should study really hard subjects in school 'cause you're so freakin' smart and all. Oh, wait...you already do. Love the idea of saving someone's life while looking younger! Whee!

Christopher: Oh, GOD. I don't suppose you'd tell me if you found anything, right? My biggest fear is being stuck at a light...and the person next to me thinking I've had some sort of facial-stroke for the longest 20 seconds of my life....

kathryn said...

Lynn: Ha! Oh, the check-out lanes! I didn't even think of that! Or, how about the car-lane in the bank...where they have those cameras watching you??! I hope everything's okay on your end, sweets. I'm guessing maybe Dad's not feeling well? I'll be by to check in on you tonight.

Selina Kingston: HA! So, even kegels are out of the question, huh? Afraid your face will give you away?!? I guess there's good reason to be concerned...considering Angelina's post under yours! HA!

Angelina: I keep forgetting to do those. I don't want to be one of those old ladies that pees every time she laughs or coughs or sneezes. (TMI, guys??) I'll have to get right on that!

kathryn said...

Gigi: I know! Hard to believe, right?? Yeah, we "scientists" have to stick together....for the better of mankind! Once we've proven our data is correct (ie: everyone gushes, "WHAT have you done?" and "Did you have something done?"), we'll know we've bettered mankind. Yeah, that's it.

sage: HA! Oh, God...what a perfect comment, Sage! Little did we know that they both were practicing their facial exercises...especially Whistler's Mother, who evidently started doing them TOO LATE!

ValleyWriter: Aw. You always know the right thing to say, sweetie! And such good points! Obviously, more Kathryn-research is needed. I shall report back my findings. (Not that you'll ever need 'em, gorgeous girl...)

j.m. neeb: You're correct. I do hate you for that. And you probably don't even appreciate it 'cause you're a GUY. No. Fair.

Alicia: Ha! Only thing that worries me about the "kissy face" (besides being possibly followed by a caravan of truck drivers)is that you'd wind up with those wrinkles over your lip...like a longtime smoker would get. I may have to re-think these. Clinton says, "Hey, gorgeous!"

kathryn said...

Thaydra: Oh, I like the way you think, girl! The laughing part would be the best...and GOD knows I could use some ab-strengthening!

HulaBuns: I can remember making faces at people when I was little...and also waving frantically at other cars as well. Of course, nowadays, they'd probably think I was being abducted. Things were so much easier as a kid...Hubby must just loooove riding in the car with YOU!

Tina: Sweetie? (Squints) Is that you? Sorry, it's 6am here and even laptop is half-awake...it's not showing the photos on the comments page. Don't you worry 'bout a thing, sweets! I am always happy to see you...with or without cocktails! (Although, give me those!)

Runnergirl: Uh-huh. Next time one of 'em swerves off the road, ya just never know!

Kristy: But did it work?? THAT'S I wanna know....for, ya know, scientific purposes only. I'd imagine it would be scary for little kids!

Gay Guy: Yes! With cucumbers on our eyes, please. Or, maybe we could head to Hershey, Penn and have a chocolate facial...that'll work, too. Ah, eternal youth...I'm Googling it but there are no easy answers, GG. Well, this girl better start getting ready for work. It takes longer to make up this face than it used to! Later, dude.

Kimberly said...

I think I've done these faces unintentionally while yelling at my kids in the car. No wonder people were looking at me funny. :)

At least now I know there's an up side to the contorted faces. :)

Nance said...

I yawn on airplanes with these little blue things in my ears to help balance the pressure in my eustachian tubes and make my ears pop. When the blue things don't work, I hold my nose, close my mouth, and blow up like a jellyfish. Nothing works and then tears flow.

Do these count?

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