Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Rantpiphany

I do believe I’ve had an epiphany.

“An actual epiphany,” you say? “Or, is it one of those backward, questionably-sane rants of yours that some in the psychiatric community would consider more likely to be some sort of breakthrough psychosis disguised as an epiphany?”

Clinton?? Is that you??


Clinton Kelly: “Um hm. It’s me. Don’t act so surprised. I’ve been lurking.”

Kathryn: “Well, you’d never know it. Where the hell have you been? And don’t even bother to use the excuse that you’ve got more important things to do. I can’t believe you just left me…all alone…with no-one to talk to….”

CK: “Excluding your 600 followers, evidently. Poor you. And yet, even in my absence, you managed to have an epiphany, my independent little ram.”

K: “Aw…that’s sweet. Wait. Are you calling me a ram because you know I’m an Aries, or because you think I’m rather stubborn and hopelessly antagonistic?”

CK: (Stares helplessly...unsure of the best way to respond) “What’s your epiphany?”

K: “Do you really care?”

CK: “Tick tock, kiddo…”

K: “FINE. The times…they are a-changing, right? So, how about we take a break from the old stereotypes of the past and break in some new ones?

CK: “I’m feeling a sense of foreboding…mixed with….what?? Ah. I believe it's an ominous premonition of calamity. Care to elaborate?”

K: (Gives evil eye) “Despite your sarcastic lack of confidence in my innate ability to extract superior knowledge from the depths of mediocrity, I shall tell you, oh great sarcastic one:
I’d like to see the gender roles completely and utterly reversed…for say, one year. Women already work the full-time jobs, so now they’ll simply receive the equivalent to the male genders' compensation. I’d also like to see the male responsible for 80% of the daily chores, handle the gestation and subsequent birth of their offspring and suffer through a monthly menstrual cycle. They must shave their legs, shave the pits, wax the eyebrows and upper lip, color their hair, search endlessly for the perfect bra to keep their girls from drooping painfully close to their belly buttons, endure the pain & blisters associated with donning heels ten hours a day/five days a week, remember & buy gifts for everyone’s birthday/anniversary, etc in their immediate family and beyond, deal with hot flashes, mammograms, pantyhose, bad hair days, makeup, pap smears, the infuriation of trying to find pants that elongate the leg and tops that accentuate the smallest part of our waists. And finally, I’d like the male gender to take OUR last name in marriage…for a change. Same for our offspring. You’ve had it the other way for like, the last thousand years….I think it’s our turn. Any questions?”

CK: “Only one. Would you like a refill?”

K: “Good man, Kelly. Good, wise man..”

Carol said...

OMG I'm an Aries too! That must be why the voices in your head are so familiar. You know, if we change the gender roles, we gotta sit around and scratch ourselves and come up with stupid names for sex acts we'd like performed on us and maybe, just for the hell of it, get a beer gut!

Christiejolu said...

LOL@Carol...That would be so cool! I am too active to ever be a man...But I will take those man wages though!

Slamdunk said...

I can't reasonably defend my inappropriate spitting and scratching, so I won't try.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

"Rantpiphany"

That's so you Kathryn.

Really though, I would LOVE this to happen...though I wouldn't much fancy having to sit through football and car talk.

Collette said...

I LOVE this! It's so hard to find a good trainable man!LOL! (((HUGS)))

Alicia said...

Wow...it's been a while since I've seen Clinton. He's aged a bit don't you think? (Don't tell him I said that though)

Until you itemized everything I do I never realized how busy I am...no wonder I'm so stinking tired!

Where's the line to vote for this switcheroo?

Lily Johnson said...

Haha! I am an Aries too, Jeez! you don't know how many times this has crossed my mind. Let them just be us for a year. Hmm!it would be a total disaster.

Boonie S said...

I had an epiphany before I came out too.
Thanks for another excellent post.

All the best, Boonie

Gigi said...

The truth of the matter is, they couldn't handle being a woman. Not even for a day, much less a year. Throw in pregnancy, a menstrual cycle and pantyhose and forget it!

Alan W. Davidson said...

...but I take out the garbage!

Tinkerschnitzel said...

I love it! Oh, don't forget about all the moisturizing and picking out just the right products without completely destroying your hair and having to decide what to wear in the mornings. I think that's one of the worst.

j.m. neeb said...

Alright, this has been driving me crazy for a while, so I need to ask... What the heck is an "IV" (besides the Roman numeral for 4 or the medical fluid they pump into you when dehydrated)?

I tried searching old posts -- at least, for as long as my limited attention span would allow -- but wasn't able to come up with anything...

Straight Guy said...

Um...

OK. We'll swap. But if you give us those responsibilities you can't assume that we will CARE about them at the same level. We won't care how our legs look and adult birthdays will be reduced to the honorees pick of dessert once a year (as it ALWAYS should have been). If we swap, your end of the bargain is to stop caring about the cleanliness of the bathroom.

I dread the additional grooming and manscaping, but have of us already seem to be there.

Still interested?

Oh yeah, in terms of equal pay and family names decisions, I stand by you, sister.

KellyGrrl said...

Haha Love it :-) You crack me up!

TC said...

Now that you mention it being a woman sort of sucks doesn't it? Oh well makes us tough!! Yeah, that's my story and I'm sticking to it..

Karen from Mentor said...

Hmmmm....single after half my life married...this is an interesting idea for iffin I decide on another go round.

*takes a number*

Says [even though I can't actually pull it off]

you go girl....

kathryn said...

Carol: HA! I see no downside to this.
We never get to scratch in public (not that we'd want to, mind you)...but we itch too, ya know!

Christiejolu: Hey, ya never know. Maybe...over time...you too will find yourself falling asleep in a full-sitting-position on the couch.

Slamdunk: Oh, don't even get me started on the spitting. What is it with you guys and your own saliva? Why can't you...I don't know, swallow it?

kathryn said...

Oddyoddyo13: Hey, no-one says we have to exactly take on their customs. We can wash the car, shmooze with the guy that rotates the tires and basically not worry about whether those pants make our butts look big. Oh and we'll only have to take a pain reliever if we have a headache or play too much football with our friends.

Collette: HA! I'm convinced that after a year of role-reversal, both genders will have a new attitude. Don't you think? I mean, how could we not? Then, we'll get the option of whether we want to switch back or not. Maybe every other year?

Alicia: Honey, I hate to even mention this...but we've all aged...but just a teeny bit! Yeah, I'm thinking the only caveat to this vote may be that none of the guys are gonna want to participate! If YOU were a guy...would you??

kathryn said...

Lily Johnson: Ha! You're right, I'm sure. I DO know that it would be the first year in history that no babies were conceived!! Another Aries...no wonder we get along so well.

Boonie S: Thanks, sweetie. (For the 'excellent post' comment. I'm not sure what to make of the 'coming out' comment. You'll need to clarify this. I think I've missed something!?!

Gigi: I know it...and you know it...and most women on the planet know it. I just don't think they know it. Or if they do, they'd never be willing to take it on for a whole year. I'm hoping my male readers won't hate me forever for this post!

kathryn said...

Alan W. Davidson: Of course you do, handsome! I didn't mean you! I fully realize that collecting and hauling the garbage to the curb is a very....specialized responsibility. All I'm suggesting is that I'd like to see you do it in 3-4" heels, with severe menstrual cramps. That's all. (Oh, and could you send me an 8X10 of it when you're done? You can wear the fez if it makes you feel better.)

Tinkerschnitzel: I knew I could count on you guys to think of the ones I'd mised! All in all, I think the genders could learn a lot about each other, given the chance. I'm thinking the guys will never go for it.

j.m. neeb: Aw, sweetie. Ya know when you're searching for a birthday gift for your (insert love interest here) and you see a rainbow-colored chandelier with holograms of Dolly Parton imprinted on each crystal and that little inner voice warns, "Sure. Buy that and you're guaranteed to never get laid again"?? That's an IV. It's supposed to be the voice of reason...but sometimes, it seems to enjoy the insults a bit too much.

Lauren said...

Tehehe. I know some men do understand the problems of finding bras and shaving legs and so on... Oddly enough, not the men who really need to shave everything and wear bras. And if men have all these things, does that mean women don't? IMAGINE WHAT I COULD DO WITH THE TIME I DON'T HAVE TO SPEND SHAVING! I COULD SOLVE WORLD HUNGER!

kathryn said...

Straight Guy: (I'm offering an early disclaimer here...I haven't even read his response yet and I'm already nervous. Wait. I'm getting a refill...) Okay.....GO! Oh, YAY! I LOVE it! We won't about how our legs look 'cause we'll be just as hairy everywhere else. Dessert? Fine with me.The cleanliness of the bathroom won't matter 'cause we'll be peeing in the general vacinity of the commode...you're the one who'll have to sit in it. Aw, honey...tell Mrs. SG she's lucky to have you!

KellyGrrl: Thanks, sweetie! You deserve the laugh-break from all that home reno! Hope it's going well.

TC: Uh-huh. Except that the myth is that the male gender are the "tough" ones. Makes no sense to me whatsoever. Physical strength is only a fraction of the whole picture, right?

kathryn said...

Karen from Mentor: I figure, "Why the hell not?" I don't hate men...by any stretch. I guess sometimes it just feels like we may be getting the short end of the stick if you get my drift. (Pun intended) Of course, if we could be physically stronger than them...well, that would be the icing on the cake, don't you think?

kathryn said...

Lauren: I defy any man to tell me whether it's more comfortable to wear a bra with or without an underwire. Yes, they shave their faces...but when they don't it's considered a choice...and a statement...and a style. With us, we're considered gross and Neanderthal. Not. Cool.

Gay Guy said...

Kathryn,

From the list that you provided, taking someone else's last name seems the least of my worries. It's waaaaay the best option.

Mark Price said...

Ok, Im in but...I want breasts. Not disgusting man-boobs either. Super model ones. Ahhh sitting down to pee, that would make a restroom a place of rest. In goes a tv. Free pass to be irritable for no apparent reason. Never pay for another drink. No more mowing grass or trimming trees. No more car repairs. No taking out the trash. Getting my choice of what movie we will be seeing. Filling the DVR with my shows. Sounds pretty good so far. Yep, I'm in. LOL

Karen from Mentor said...

Oh don't misunderstand me. I like men. A lot.

But...um... if it's all the same to you....I'd rather *not* find one who knows how much comfort is available in an underwire bra. Right on board with the other stuff though.

:0)

HulaBuns said...

To Lauren and Kathryn: I think during this year the man doesn't have to shave his beard, but instead let it grow out, then have to learn to braid it.

The other thing that should be mandatory is not having to see the men for a year. I seriously don't want to see my husband in a bra, hairless and with a braided face. LOL

Vince said...

You might in your more irritable moments think like that, but you would hate it if your man took longer than you to get ready to go out.
And as to the underwire thing with the bolder-holder. Go to Macy's and find yourself the oldest woman in the bra department and GET YOURSELF FITTED. And you buy expensive. You don't buy cheap loo paper for your tailend because you know it will not do the job and will cut you up as well.

Jerry said...

Actually I could handle this as long as a bikini wax isn't required.

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